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All The Little Nasties.....
      #2619 - 12/17/05 06:25 PM

This is the spot for "socially unacceptable" blue humor.


Crotchless.......

A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex.
She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.
One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.
"Want some of this?" she purred.
"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your underwear."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2621 - 12/17/05 06:27 PM

Two deaf people get married.
During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't
see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my prick one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my prick fifty times"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2622 - 12/17/05 06:28 PM

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced that it has settled on mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course, ibepokin.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2623 - 12/17/05 06:29 PM

The Pickle, Cucumber And Prick

One day a cucumber, a pickle and a prick were having a conversation:

The pickle says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get fat and juicy, they sprinkle seasonings over and they stick me in a jar." The cucumber says, "Yeah you think that's bad? Whenever I get big fat and juicy, they slice me up and they put me over salad." The prick says, "You think that your lives are tough? Well, whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they throw a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a wet dark, smelly room and force me to do push-ups until I throw up and lose consciousness! ! !"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2625 - 12/17/05 06:31 PM

A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman-- a practicing witch.
The morning after she caught him with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day.
In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician who examined the man and ran tests on the strange tissue.
By now the bump was three inches long, and starting to take an oddly familiar shape.
"What is this thing growing out of my head, Doctor?"
"We've run every test we know to confirm the findings," he said gravely, "but they all tell us the same thing. The bump in your forehead is developing into a fully grown prick."
"I can't believe this! Isn't there anything you can do?"
"I'm afraid not. Removing it would kill you."
"I'll be a freak! No woman will come near me!"
"There's more," said the Doctor.
"You're going to experience vision problems."
"Will I go blind, Doc?" said the man.
"No, you'll just have trouble seeing with testicles hanging in front of your eyes."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2626 - 12/17/05 06:32 PM

Employee Complaint

I, the prick, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment. I don't get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Dear Prick,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have, raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative -- you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2627 - 12/17/05 06:32 PM

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?.................................................................................................................................................///////////////////////////// ////////////////////

Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while, you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2628 - 12/17/05 06:33 PM

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87,wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks,"What?" and he replies "SEX!!!"

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

"Well,I guess I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Howard's manhood. Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Howard and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Howard's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep!
What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Howard smiled happily and replied,"Parkinson's!"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2629 - 12/17/05 06:34 PM

Crazy Sex Laws

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.(MIRROR,MIRROR ON THE WALL...)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder which head?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? ... Not as great as Guam!)

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2630 - 12/17/05 06:34 PM

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
"TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"
Well,, that's a little different," the officer smiled ...."Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same Police Officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:
"TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER---$50.00."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2632 - 12/17/05 06:34 PM

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc, but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a ******* on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2633 - 12/17/05 06:35 PM

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started walking home and began to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch. When I nibbled on her breast..... she farted and flew out the window!"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2634 - 12/17/05 06:37 PM

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini. "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.

"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.

"NO! Get away from me!"

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered;

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.

She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money....

"Well, OK...but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MYGOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2636 - 12/17/05 06:39 PM

The Vegas Hooker

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but, he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some beardedclam?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a beardedclam."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2637 - 12/17/05 06:40 PM

A young lady went to a new gynecologist for a routine exam. She laid down on the table with her feet up in the stirrups. The doctor came in and looked under the sheet and said, "My God, you've got the biggest vagina I've ever seen! Holy crap! I'm sorry, but I just can't believe the size of that thing!"

She got all kinds of mad about this and after ripping him open about his unprofessional behavior, put on her clothes and went home. On the drive home, she had time to cool off a little bit and got to thinking, "You know, maybe my vagina really IS that big."

When she got home, her roommate was gone, so she decided to see for herself. She stood in front of the mirror looking. She bent over at the mirror, looking between her legs. She laid down and held a mirror between her legs. She took the full-length mirror off the door and laid it on the floor and stood over it. Right then, her roommate came in the door. The roommate was most surprised and said, "What are you doing there?"

Thinking quickly, she said, "Uh, naked aerobics."

"Oh. Well just be careful you don't fall in that hole underneath you in the floor."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2638 - 12/17/05 06:41 PM

Subject: 3 pills/3 women/3 nights

A guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem.
My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, myex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday.
I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."
The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills in 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."
The man says, "You have a deal Doc."
Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.
The doctor says, "What happened"?
The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2639 - 12/17/05 06:42 PM

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she isited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! >There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"Uh-huh"
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning >there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with >me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."
"You're simply going through the change."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2640 - 12/17/05 06:42 PM

Subject: COMA
.
.
A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.
The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses ran into the room. " What happened?" they cried.
The husband said, "I guess she choked."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2641 - 12/17/05 06:42 PM

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in. One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.

"STOP!",he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said,"Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.

Ethel comes to a screeching halt and says,
"Oh, good grief...not the breathalyzer AGAIN!"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2642 - 12/17/05 06:43 PM

Two hookers were engaged in a deep conversation concerning their profession.

One of the hookers finally looked at the other one and asked

"How many times you been picked up by the Fuzz"

The other hooker got big eyed and kind of quiet then responded.

"I've never been picked up by my fuzz but I did get swung around by my titties once".

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2644 - 12/17/05 06:43 PM

Medical Spending

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020,there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection what to do with them.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2645 - 12/17/05 06:44 PM

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed,when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache".........
"Perfect", her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my tallywacker with aspirin... you can take it orally or as a suppository- it's up to you!!!"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2646 - 12/17/05 06:45 PM

What Men Want

A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frog
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classical music and tal-
king without getting too serious.


Oh, wait...please only read lines 1, 3 & 5

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2647 - 12/17/05 06:45 PM

A man falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.
He was already starting to blister and was in agony.
The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, a pain killer, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"
The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2648 - 12/17/05 06:45 PM

The hillbilly from McDonald County goes in to see his family doctor/veterinarian/taxidermist. He asks for birth control pills for Lurlene, his 12 yr. old daughter.

Dr. Hatfield says, "For Lurlene? Is she sexually active?"

The hillbilly says, "Naw, not really. She just kinda lays there like her maw does."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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