SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and he stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a blonde stands on her chair and says:
"I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, Asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community and from reaching my full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits.
She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Powerball." Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the powerball! I've lost my business, my house, and I'm going to lose my car as well." Powerball night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays. "My God, why have You forsaken me? ! I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You.
PLEASE let me win the Powerball drawing just this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself...
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted & the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady & rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try & throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup & she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again & again As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when........
The Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your right breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Duckaholic
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 42
Loc: Someplace Somewhere
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One day this blonde is out walking in the park. She happened to look over and there was another blonde lay'n on her back doing the back stoke over in the grass. The blonde that was walking hops up on a park bench and yells at the other one. "Hey what the hell are you doing? You know its blondes like you that gives smart blondes like me a bad name and if I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass."
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There Is All That Room Around'm........................And Its Alot Easier To Hit- Cecil Simpson
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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BLONDE DETECTIVES
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds" . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye & one ear!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Allstar
member
Reged: 12/20/05
Posts: 37
Loc: Columbia, MO
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oldie but goodie...
A blond and brunette attend a baby shower. The blonde confides to her friend that she too is pregnant!
"Is it a boy or a girl?" asks the brunette.
"How do you know?" The blonde replied.
"Well" said the brunette, "it is all in the positioning!"
"Our friend over there concieved while her husband was on top of her and she is having a boy".
"And I had a girl after I conceived when I was on top!" She added.
The blonde broke out into a fit of sobs and crying!
The brunette said " What's wrong? What's wrong?"
The blonde choked out, " I'm going to have puppies!"
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moduckdoc
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 2945
Loc: A porn site
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Puppies make great Christmas gifts I wish I had known about this months ago.
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Freedom it isn't free, but it is worth every drop
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Here, Doggie, Doggie. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Blonde Year In Revue
January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
February - Ordered new drapes for her computer because it had windows.
March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months because the box said "2-4 years."
April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water wouldn't fit into the little packet.
June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope
July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.
August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
September - When asked what the capital of California was, she answered, "C."
October - Hates M&Ms because they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked a turkey for four days because the instructions said one hour per pound and she weighed 120.
December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A brunette goes into a doctors office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"That's odd,"says the doctor, "Show me what you mean."
The woman touches her elbow and screams in agony. She then touches her knee and screams, then pushes her ankle and screams.
"You're not really a brunette, are you?" asks the doctor.
"Why, no, I'm actually a blonde" she answers.
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger's broken."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A blonde who's having financial troubles decides to kidnap a child for ransom. She writes on a piece of paper: "I've kidnapped your son. Leave $10,000 behind the oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 a.m. The Blonde."
She walks over to the park and grabs a little boy, pins the note to his jacket, and tells him to run home.
The next day the blonde goes back to the park, where she sees the boy standing behind the oak tree.
"I'm supposed to give you this," he says, handing over a brown bag.
As she counts the money, she notices a new note pinned to his jacket: "For the record, I can't believe that one blonde would do this to another!".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'blim' could be used to create new words that describe them:
Blimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes
Blimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes
Blimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males
Blimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait
Blimbag - a blonde's purse
Blimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag
Blimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes
Blimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes
Blimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard
Blimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything
Blimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook
Blimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her
Blimboette - a young blonde
Blimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else
Blimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes
Blimboozle - to fool a blonde
Blimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence
Blimbozo - another name for a blonde
Blimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes
Blimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde
Blimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is
Blimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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PePaw
member
Reged: 12/27/05
Posts: 24
Loc: 10 miles East of Paradise
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Returning home from work a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash the blonde ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, 'I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!'
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"Never apologize and never explain, it's a sign of weakness."
--- John Wayne
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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True story from another site.
****************************
But the funny part is it's true!
I was working at a large general hospital that shall remain nameless (to protect me!). The Registrar (the senior doctor, teaching the student doctors) was conducting his rounds, in the medical ward. One patient, an 83 year old gent, had become incontinent of urine (wetting his bed). One Female student says "catheterise him!". The Registrar suggests perhaps a uridome (imagine a heavy duty condom with a tube running out the end) would serve as well, with less risk of infection? "Oh yes!" cry the students. "Well, put on on him" says the Registrar.
Female (blonde) Student: 'how does it go on?"
Registrar: 'The same as you would put a condom on a male!"
Student: (blushing) 'Oh!'
Registrar: 'Get on with it, after we finish rounds'
Rounds finished female student comes back to ward to carry out assignment. Now instead of just getting one of the nurses to do it, she insists on doing it herself. Grabs all the kit, pulls the drapes around the bed, and gets to work.
About 20 minutes later the Clinical Nurse says "what the %$#@ is going on in there?" Grunting, groaning, moaning etc. Doc, you had better take a look.
I quitely announce myself at the drawn drapes, and ask if everything is OK?
She bids me enter, she is having trouble.
I pull back the drapes to reveal a certain female (very blonde) medical student jacking off the old guy, who had the biggest grin!
WTF do you think you are doing! "But the registrar said to put it on like a condom! And I can't get him to go hard!"
There truly are times when words fail me, I simply walked away and sent the nurse in, went out , sat on the steps and laughed my arse off!
About 30 seconds later the nurse joined me on the steps, laughing so hard she cried!
And who says the Public Health system is flawed?
BTW, she passed, and is now out there, somewhere, practicing as a urologist!
Cheers, Dave.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8066
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
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OMG that is funny.....
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Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
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wil e coyote
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 95
Loc: misery (married)
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Joe and his blonde wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Joe's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."Joe's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park........... "then the electric power goes out. Joe's wife is very upset,and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Joe says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a blonde sitting by herself.
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they spread!"
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two blondes decide to go hunting for bear.
They drive down a trail in their SUV and come to a sign that says: BEAR LEFT.
So they went home. 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A redhead, a brunette and a blonde are stranded on the rooftop of a burning building.
The firemen are holding a net below and call to the redhead to jump. She does. The firemen pull the net away from her.
Next the firemen call to the brunette to jump. She is a little doubtful after seeing what happened to the redhead. The firemen assure her: " We hate redheads. Go ahead and jump!" She does. The firemen pull the net away from her.
Now it's the blonde's turn to jump. She, of course, is no dummy after seeing what has happened. She tells the firemen below:" Do you think I'm a fool? I saw what happened!"
The firemen tell her: " We hate redheads and brunettes but we love blondes. JUMP!"
The blonde says: " OK - but I have a few conditions. FIRST - drop that net and back away..."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.
On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde, she'll read it very slow."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An absolutely gorgeous blonde visits a gynecologist.
The doctor takes one look at her and all professional behaviour goes out the window. He tells her to strip naked and she does.
As she is sitting on the exam table, the doctor runs his fingers lightly up and down her naked thighs. He asks: " Do you know what I'm doing?" The blonde replies: " Yes, I do, you're checking for skin abrasions or any skin abnormalities".
Next the doctor begins to lovingly fondle the blonde's admittedly luscious breasts. He asks her: " Do you know what I'm doing?" The brunette replies:" Yes, you're checking for any lumps that might indicate possible cancer".
Now the doctor puts the blonde down on the exam table and gets up and enters her.
The doctor asks: " Do you know what I'm doing?".
The blonde replies: " Yes, you're getting herpes".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8066
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
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BLIND MAN IN A LADIES BAR
A blind man enters a Ladies "ALTERNATIVE Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair -
giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1 The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 I'm a 6 feet tall, 180-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional
wrestler!
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
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