Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Be safe. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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Lots of friends going, and who live there!  
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun,and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her all her clothes and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did, and she asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did, and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me and says, "Now go to town, Cowboy..."
"And here I am."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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Did you hear about the blonde that almost killed her toy poodle?
She tried to put batteries in it.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Barking Beagles and Blondes...
A husband and his blonde wife were in bed asleep. About 2 AM they both awoke to the neighbors dog barking extremely loudly...
After lying there for the next 30 minutes unable to go to sleep, she tells her husband to go do something about the barking dog. He tells her he has tried to tell the dog to be quiet before and the dog always continues to bark!
There's nothing HE can do...
After another 15 minutes of barking, in frustration, the blonde wife retorts,"Well, if you won't do anything, I WILL!"
She jumps out of bed and disappears outside. A few minutes later she is back in bed.
The husband sat up in bed, and still hears the dog barking. He asks, "I thought you said you could fix the barking problem...I still hear him barking!"
She replies, "I DID fix the problem! I tied the dog in OUR yard! LET'S SEE HOW THE NEIGHBORS LIKE THAT!"
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You.
PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself.... "Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.
They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?' Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, 'nope, not yet Bubbles'.
So they row a little farther.... Again Bubbles asks Barbie, 'Do you think were out far enough now? Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.'
So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath she says,
'OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel.'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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In a bar in New York there’s a magical mirror. If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you one wish… but if you lie - POOF! - it swallows you up for eternity.
A brunette, redhead, and a blonde walk into that very bar - with a mission. They head straight for the magic mirror. The redhead goes first and says “I think I’m the most beautiful woman on Earth” POOF! - the mirror swallows her up and she’s gone for eternity.
The brunette goes up to the mirror and says “I think I’m the sexiest woman on Earth” POOF - now she’s gone too.
Lastly, the blonde goes up to the mirror says ” I think……..” - POOF!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A blonde goes into the cleaners & drops off a blouse to be dry cleaned.
As she's leaving the man behind the counter says "Come again, Ma'm."
The blonde stops and says "No, it's mustard this time."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Why do blondes prefer convertibles?
More leg room.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, 'T-G-I-F.'
He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T.'
She looked puzzled and repeated, 'T-G-I-F,' more slowly.
He again answered, 'S-H-I-T.'
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, 'T-G-I-F.'
The man smiled back to her and once again'S-H-I-T.'
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?'
The man answered, ''S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey,
It's Thursday'
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh. Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.
She responds 'It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkqHpHV5Azk 
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Subject: Blonde farmette
Amy, a blonde city girl, married a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn.
They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?'
'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
|
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A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident today"
The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible."
Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is that risk involved."
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my golden retriever pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,'Now you stay. Do you hear me?'"Stay. Stay."
The driver of a nearby car,a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said,"Why don't you just put it in park?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Blond at the scene of an accident to the EMT guy, "I think I have got concussion"
The medic holds up three fingers and asks her, " how many fingers have I got up "
"Oh no" She cries "I must be paralyzed from the waist down too"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
|
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9iJdPAum...player_embedded
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I'm glad they decicied not to shoot the last option. 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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