Cobra
Reged: 08/03/08
Posts: 2
Loc: Canada
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
 
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Blondes Digging Holes
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent'.
In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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A Texas preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'
No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.' Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blond with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A young blonden walks into a small town bank carrying a brown paper bag full of loose and crumpled paper currency. She walks up to the first open teller and and states that she'd like to open her first ever savings account.
The bank manager overhears this request as he is walking by. Impressed with the frugal and responsible young miss, he walks up to the to window, looks into the bag at all the crumpled $5, $10 & $20's and says,"Young lady, that is a large sum of money you have there!" "Did you hoard that all by yourself?"
Pleased with the obvious attention she is getting from the nice bank man, she replies,"Nah, my sister whored half of it"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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67Firebird
Former political advocate
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 9171
Loc: Russellville, Mo
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A young blond woman from St.. Louis was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mississippi River. She went down to the levee and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the water, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe , and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said.
"This is the Casino Queen, and we never leave East St. Louis ... "
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears.
She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to the other ear?"
"The son of a biatch called back!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?"
"Objection!" said the defence attorney. "Irrelevant!"
"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question."
"I object!" the defence said again.
"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."
The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defence to object."
So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"
The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy.
When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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 That's Mel's kind of joke.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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There was a brunette standing along side a busy road chanting "88, 88, 88, 88..."
A blonde came up to her and said, "That looks like fun, can I try?"
The brunette said, "Sure."
So the blonde chanted, "88, 88, 88, 88.."
"Well," said the brunette, "that is fun. But what is even more fun is if you say it in the middle of the street."
So the blonde said, "OK." and stood in the middle of the street. "88, 88, 88, 88-" BAM! she was run over by a car, completely flattened.
Along the side of the road, the brunette began to chant, "89, 89, 89, 89..."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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Two blondes were up in the far north woods, out looking for a Christmas tree. They were all bundled up from head to toe, carrying their hatchets and a coil of rope to tie on and drag it back. They had thought of everything. They were all set..........
but they couldn't find the right tree. They searched for hours, slogging through knee-deep snow. The wind was blowing and the wolves were howling, but they persevered. Had to get that Christmas tree. Finally, as the sun was beginning to head downward, one turned to the other and said, "That's it! I've had enough! The next tree we come to, we're going to cut it down,...............
whether it's decorated or not!"
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Okay, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job ", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Testicle Therapy...
Two blonde women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The blonde rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel"?
He replied: "It felt great, but I still think my thumb's broken!"
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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Dear Friends ,
Many of you may not know this; but I have been very busy over the last 2 weeks putting my thoughts and ideas together in a book about golf. After all, some of the information I gained for this book was a direct result of golfing with my friends !!!!!!
I believe my new book on GOLF will give the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my years of struggle and experience. I'm hopeful that you find this book a useful tool . The topics covered are as follows:
Chapter 1 - How to properly line up your fourth putt
Chapter 2 - How to hit a Nike from the rough, when you hit a Titleist from the tee
Chapter 3 - How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in a bunker
Chapter 4 - How to get more distance off the shank
Chapter 5 - When to give the marshal the finger
Chapter 6 - Using your shadow on the green to maximize earnings
Chapter 7 - When to implement handicap management
Chapter 8 - Proper excuses for drinking alcohol before 9:00 a.m.
Chapter 9 - How to rationalize a 6- hour round
Chapter 10- When a divot may be classified as sod
Chapter 11 - How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water
Chapter 12 - Why your spouse doesn't care that you birdied the 5th
Chapter 13- Using curse words creatively to control ball flight
Chapter 14-When to let a foursome play through your twosome
Chapter 15 - How to relax when you're hitting 'five' off the tee
Chapter 16 - When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent
Chapter 17 - God and the meaning of the birdie-to-bogey 3 putt
Chapter 18 - When to re-grip your ball retriever
Chapter 19- Throwing your clubs: an effective stress-reduction technique
Chapter 20 - Can you purchase a better golf game?
Chapter 21 - Why male golfers will pay $5.00 a beer from the cart girl and give her a $3 tip; but will balk at $4.50 at the 19th hole and stiff the bartender
Thank you all in advance for your order!!!
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners...
On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says "Come Again"...
The blonde says "No its toothpaste this time, you nosey biatch".
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A tourist in a bar in Florida asks an Blonde sitting at the bar, "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Blonde replies: "If they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.
"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. The pilot has a heart attack and dies... She is frantic and calls out a "May Day."
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Oh my God, please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
"Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" - and I support Obama."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio... "Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven . . ."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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Equal opportunity for brunettes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buoRVFB9MKY&feature=player_embedded#!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Never tell a blonde to add a quart.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5208
Loc: uphill
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DjF
little buddie
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 5410
Loc: staring at an empty mailbox...
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who openned the hood for her???
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somewhere between "Hi, how can we help you?" and "Get off my lawn!"
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I'm sure she makes a fine salad...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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