SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy who is totally smashed, drunk, blind to the world, three sheets to the wind, holding on to the floor for support, walks into a bar and spots a blonde at the end of the bar. He eases over to her and runs his hand up under her dress. The blonde slaps him silly.
The guy says:" Gee, sorry. You look just like my wife".
The blonde screams like a banshee:" You drunken, insufferable son of a femaledog!".
The guy says: "Christ, You even sound like her!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So.... you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God."
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Little Johnny has turned 8 and as a prize is going to spend some time with his grandparents.
After greetings and settling in, he rapidly proceeds to make a nuisance of himself. First, he goes in the kitchen where his grandmother is busy and asks, ?Grandmother, how old are you??
Grandmother spins around and states: ?Johnny, you never ask a lady how old she is! Now, go and play.?
Few minutes later, he is back. This time he asks, ?Grandmother, how much do you weigh??
Same response: ?Johnny, you never ask a lady how much she weighs! Now, get out of here.?
Only moments late, Johnny is back and asks, ?Grandmother, why do you and Grandpa sleep in separate beds??
This time, Grandmother has had enough, she cuffs him and tells him to go outside and play with his Grandpa if he can?t keep a civil tongue in his head.
Johnny goes outside and finds his Grandpa in the shed.
?What?s the matter boy, you look like somebody licked all the red off your candy??
Johnny then told Grandpa he had asked Grandmother how old she was and it made her mad, then asked her how much she weighed and it made her madder still, then asked why she and Grandpa slept in separate beds and it really made her mad.
?No problem, Johnny, go get her driver?s license and that will tell you all you need to know.?
Johnny slips back into the house and gets his Grandmother?s purse, does a little math and then marches back into the kitchen with a grin on his face. He looks at his Grandmother and says, ?You know what? You?re 65 years old and you weigh 148 pounds!?
?How do you know that?? Grandmother asked.
?I looked at your driver?s license,? Said Johnny. ?And I also know why you and Grandpa sleep in separate beds. You made and ?F? on sex!?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Living Will
Me and my wife were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
Then she got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my beer.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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There were several women sitting around talking at their weekly club meeting. The topic of birth control came up and they started comparing methods.
The first woman said that she and her husband relied on the pill. It had been effective for them since they had started using it after their 4th child was born.
The second woman said that she used the rhythm method. But she hated having to watch the calendar.
The third woman said that she used condoms, but wished that her husband would remember to buy them himself.
The fourth woman said that she and her husband had found the perfect prevention method. They used the "saucer and pail" method. All ears were opened at that comment. She went on to explain.... Her husband is shorter than she, so he stands on a pail whenever they make love, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, she kicks the pail out from underneath him.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Scots boy comes home and informs his mother that he has a part in a school play.
His mother is delighted, of course, and asks what role he has.
The boy replies: " A Scottish husband".
His mother scowls. She tells her son:" Go tell your teacher that you want a speaking part!".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like twotickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'. so she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, "Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey." But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed, femaledog.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy is driving home with his wife from a neighborhood bar and restaurant. He has had a few.
He is pulled over. To his surprise the officer only wants to point out that a tail light is out and to get it fixed.
His wife says: " I told him two weeks ago to get that tail light fixed!"
The officer, on hearing this, asks the guy for his driver's license. The guy produces a license. The officer tells him that it is expired.
The wife says: " I told him to go get it renewed after the Motor Vehicle Bureau notified him in that letter he got two weeks ago!"
The guy is fed up and tell her to shut the hell up!.
The officer leans into the car and says to the wife:" Is he always this rude to you?"
The wife says: No, only when he's drunk".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Thing Every Woman Should Know
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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Why do women wear white on their wedding day?
All kitchen appliances come in white.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. That femaledog will shut up once you let her in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
Edited by SwampFox (01/28/06 05:00 PM)
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Conversation.....
Wife: It is about time you take the dog out.
Husband: I was out with him just half an hour ago.
Wife: Typical, you do everything yourself, we never do things together.
Husband: Of course I want to do things with you.
Wife: And now you think about having sex again.
Husband: No, I don't.
Wife: No, you never want me anymore, you are only dreaming of young girls.
Husband: I am not.
Wife: What I always said, you have no interests - you just sit here watching television.
Husband: But I do many things, I cooked the dinner today!
Wife: So typical, you never let me do anything!
Husband: But that is not true, I let you everything you want.
Wife: Yes, I have to do everything myself. Now, you should at least take the dog out.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Talk about a circular argument. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spent $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She st ops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs and pinches each breast. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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After a woman gave birth to her baby, the doctor stood solemnly beside her bed..
"There is something I must tell you about your baby."
"What is wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.
"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
What's that?
It means your baby has both male and female parts.
Oh my God, that's wonderful! the mother said
You mean it has a penis and a brain!!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man, you'll never hit her from here!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too, I want to see how you live on $800 a year".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Diary Entries of a Young Woman on a Cruise Ship:
MONDAY:
Dear Diary: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be! I felt singularly honored this evening. The Captain asked me to dine at his table.
TUESDAY:
Dear Diary: I spent the entire afternoon on the
bridge with the Captain.
WEDNESDAY:
Dear Diary: The Captain made proposals to me
unbecoming an officer and a gentleman.
THURSDAY:
Dear Diary: Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his indecent
proposals!
FRIDAY:
Dear Diary: This afternoon I saved 1600 lives. Twice.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died:
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible.
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, drops anchor and begins to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies.
You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day, ma'am," he said, and left.
Moral of this story: Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy is in his back yard and trying to fly a kite - and not doing a very good job of it. Every time the kite looks like it's getting a little altitude, it suddenly nose dives into the ground.
His wife has been watching from the kitchen window. Muttering under her breath about having to teach men everything, she opens the window and shouts: " You need more tail!".
The guy looks a little confused and says:
"Last night you told me to go fly a kite!".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Crowd: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!
Jerry: Today's guests are here because they can't agree on fundamental philosophical principles. I'd like to welcome Todd to the show. [Todd enters from backstage.]
Jerry: Hello, Todd. Todd: Hi, Jerry. Jerry: (reading from card) So, Todd, you're here to tell your girlfriend something. What is it?
Todd: Well, Jerry, my girlfriend Ursula and I have been going out for three years now. We did everything together. We were really inseparable. But then she discovered post-Marxist political and literary theory, and it's been nothing but fighting ever since. Jerry: Why is that? Todd: You see, Jerry, I'm a traditional Cartesian rationalist. I believe that the individual self, the "I" or ego is the foundation of all metaphysics. She, on the other hand, believes that the contemporary self is a socially constructed, multi-faceted subjectivity reflecting the political and economic realities of late capitalist consumerist discourse.
Crowd: Ooooohhhh!
Todd: I know! I know! Is that infantile, or what?
Jerry: So what do you want to tell her today?
Todd: I want to tell her that unless she ditches the post-modernism, we're through. I just can't go on having a relationship with a woman who doesn't believe I exist.
Jerry: Well, you're going to get your chance. Here's Ursula! [Ursula storms onstage and charges up to Todd.]
Ursula: Patriarchal colonizer! [She slaps him. Todd leaps up, but the security guys pull them apart before things can go any further.]
Ursula: Don't listen to him! Logic is a male hysteria! Rationality equals oppression and the silencing of marginalized voices!
Todd: The classical methodology of rational dialectic is our only road to truth! Don't try to deny it!
Ursula: You and your dialectic! That's how it's been through our whole relationship, Jerry. Mindless repetition of the post-Enlightenment meta-narrative.
'You have to start with radical doubt, Ursula.'
'Post-structuralism is just classical sceptical thought re-cast in the language of semiotics, Ursula.'
Crowd: Booo! Booo!
Jerry: Well, Ursula, come on. Don't you agree that the roots of contemporary neo-Leftism simply have to be sought in Enlightenment political philosophy?
Ursula: History is the discourse of powerful centrally located voices marginalizing and de-scribing the sub-altern!
Todd: See what I have to put up with? Do you know what it's like living with someone who sees sex as a metaphoric demonstration of the anti-feminist violence implicit in the discourse of the dominant power structure? It's terrible. She just lies there and thinks of Andrea Dworkin. That's why we never do it any more.
Crowd: Wooooo!
Ursula: You liar! Why don't you tell them how you haven't been able to get it up for the past three months because you couldn't decide if your penis truly had essential Being, or was simply a manifestation of Mind?
Todd: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Ursula: It's true!
Jerry: Well, I don't think we're going to solve this one right away. Our next guests are Louis and Tina. And Tina has a little confession to make! Louis and Tina come onstage. Todd and Ursula continue bickering in the background.
Jerry: Tina, you are... (reads cards) ... an existentialist, is that right?
Tina: That's right, Jerry. And Louis is, too.
Jerry: And what did you want to tell Louis today?
Tina: Jerry, today I want to tell him...
Jerry: Talk to Louis. Talk to him. [Crowd hushes.]
Tina: Louis... I've loved you for a long time...
Louis: I love you, too, Tina.
Tina: Louis, you know I agree with you that existence precedes essence, but ...well, I just want to tell you I've been reading Nietzsche lately, and I don't think I can agree with your egalitarian politics any more.
Crowd: Wooooo! Woooooo!
Louis: (shocked and disbelieving) Tina, this is crazy. You know that Sartre clarified all this way back in the 40's.
Tina: But he didn't take into account Nietzsche's radical critique of democratic morality, Louis. I'm sorry. I can't ignore the contradiction any longer!
Louis: You got these ideas from Victor, didn't you? Didn't you?
Tina: Don't you bring up Victor! I only turned to him when I saw you were seeing that dominatrix! I needed a real man! An Uber-mensch!
Louis: (sobbing) I couldn't help it. It was my burden of freedom. It was too much!
Jerry: We've got someone here who might have something to add. Let's bring out...Victor!
[Victor enters. He walks up to Louis and sticks a finger in his face.]
Victor: Louis, you're a classic post-Christian intellectual. Weak to the core!
Louis: (through tears) You can kiss my Marxist ass, Reactionary Boy!
Victor: Herd animal!
Louis: Lackey!
[Louis throws a chair at Victor; they lock horns and wrestle. The crowd goes wild. After a long struggle, the security guys pry them apart.]
Jerry: Okay, okay. It's time for questions from the audience. Go ahead, sir.
Audience member: Okay, this is for Tina. Tina, I just wanna know how you can call yourself an existentialist, and still agree with Nietzsche's doctrine of the Ubermensch. Doesn't that imply a belief in intrinsic essences that is in direct contradiction with the fundamental principles of existentialism?
Tina: No! No! It doesn't. We can be equal in potential, without being equal in eventual personal quality. It's a question of Becoming, not Being.
Audience member: That's just disguised essentialism! You're no existentialist!
Tina: I am so! Female audience member: You're no existentialist!
Tina: I am so an existentialist, femaledog!
[Ursula stands and interjects.]
Ursula: What does it [bleep] matter? Existentialism is just a cover for late capitalist anti-feminism! Look at how Sartre treated Simone de Beauvoir!
[Women in the crowd cheer and stomp.]
Tina: [Bleep] you! Fat-ass Foucaultian ho!
Ursula: You only wish you were smart enough to understand Foucault, femaledog!
Tina: You the femaledog!
Ursula: No, you the femaledog!
Tina: Whatever! Whatever!
Jerry: We'll be right back with a final thought! Stay with us!
[Commercial break for debt-consolidation loans, ITT Technical Institute, and Psychic Alliance Hotline.]
Jerry: Hi! Welcome back. I just want to thank all our guests for being here, and say that I hope you're able to work through your differences and find happiness, if indeed happiness can be extracted from the dismal miasma of warring primal hormonal impulses we call human relationship.
[turns to the camera]
Well, we all think philosophy is just fun and games. Semiotics, deconstruction, Lacanian post-Freudian psychoanalysis, it all seems like good, clean fun. But when the heart gets involved, all our painfully acquired metaphysical insights go right out the window, and we're reduced to battling it out like rutting chimpanzees. It's not pretty. If you're in a relationship, and differences over the fundamental principles of your respective subjectivities are making things difficult, maybe it's time to move on.
Find someone new, someone who will accept you and the way your laughably limited human intelligence chooses to codify and rationalize the chaos of existence. After all, in the absence of a clear, unquestionable revelation from God, that's all we're all doing anyway. So remember: take care of yourselves -- and each other.
Announcer: Be sure to tune in next time, when KKK strippers battle it out with transvestite omnisexual porn stars! Tomorrow on Springer!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Don't you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY
for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little annoyed, Satan asked, "Well, why the Hell aren't you afraid of me?
"Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy wakes up next morning in his house after the annual office Christmas party blow out. He knows from the pounding in his ears, the cotton feeling in his mouth - and his complete inability to recall what went on at the party - that bad things might have happened.
He comes downstairs and his wife -without a word - puts a cup of coffee in front of him. He is half afraid to ask but knows that he must ask -or not go on living. He asks:" "What happened last night?"
His wife is really rather merciful and doesn't snarl" You really want to know?" but instead lays it out.
The wife says: " You managed to insult the entire Board of Directors of the company and also the chairman of the Board".
The husband says: " He's an arrogant, stuck up prick. Piss on him!"
The wife says: " You did - all over his new suit. He fired you on the spot".
The husband ( frightened but still defiant) says: " Well, screw him!"
The wife says: "I did. You go back on Monday".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry Has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds Attractive on a man can differ depending on where she Is in her menstrual cycle.
For example:
If she is Ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged andMasculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, Or menopausal, she tends to prefer a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.
Further studies in this area have been canceled.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Toward the end of the service the minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" About 80% raised up their hands.
the Minister then repeated the question and all responded by raising their hands except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? the minister asked.
" I don't have any" she replies, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is indeed unusual. How old are you?"
"I am Ninety-eight" she replied.
"Mrs. Jones, would you come down to the front of the congragation and tell the congregation how a person can live for ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world."
The little lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, smiled sweetly, and said " I outlived the b*tches"!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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