SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy strikes up a conversation with an attractive woman in a bar. Things go along well enough but they get to a point where the woman makes it clear that she will not sleep with him.
As she explains: " I'm keeping myself pure for the man I will truly love".
The guy says: " That must be difficult, as a young and attractive woman to deprive yourself of a sex life".
The woman says: " Not really, because I truly believe that will be best in the long run. I do have to admit that it pisses off my husband".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man and a woman are having dinner in a restaurant by candlelight. Their waiter notices that they hold hands across the table and both wear wedding rings. It is a touching and romantic scene to the waiter.
However, as the waiter is taking an order at another table a few paces away, he notices that the man is slowly sliding down his chair and under the table until he is concealed under the table cloth. The woman appears unruffled by this behaviour.
The waiter approaches the woman and tells her: "Excuse me, Madam, but your husband is completely under the table".
The woman looks up at him calmly and says: " No, he isn't. He just walked in the door".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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My wife left me...
I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer.
I was not a big drinker maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you. So I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"
I don't think she'll be back
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
"Beertits," he said
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine pilot, and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."
" Well, what was it?" she asked.
He was not much in the mood for this, but, he sighed and responded, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.' "
She giggled and said, "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and replied, "Mission accomplished!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the
agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength,and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.......................F#*# off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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old lodge skins
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 381
Loc: Porche's Prairie, MO
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Man comes home from his Dr. appointment, very sad look on his face.
Wife asks what is wrong. Man tells wife that he only has a few hours to live...won't make it 'til morning.
His facial expression brightens, and he says since this is my last night on earth,
how about a little 
She says of course that is the least she could do.
About an hour later husband says he would like to do it again. Wife says sure we can.
Another hour or so hubby says 'just one more time'.
Wife says, "Come on now, I have to get up in the morning, you don't."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mother always says."
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for it all."
The teacher fainted.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix.
The professor told his class one day, "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight,one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me.
The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.
There is to be absolutely no talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.
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THE STORY
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle BEAM FLASHED out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped it's pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she wondered wistfully.
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anudrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic WHO'S attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F**KING TEA???! Oh no, WHAT AM I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"
(Rebecca)
A**hole
(Gary)
B*tch
(Rebecca)
F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!
(Gary)
Go drink some tea - wh*re.
(TEACHER)
A+ ......... I really liked this one.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish............................ .49
Adventurous........... Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking...................Mooooooo.
Beautiful....................... Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure..............On medication.
Feminist..............................Fat.
Free spirit...........................Junkie.
Friendship first....................Former slut.
New-Age.......................... Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned....................! .No BJs.
Open-minded......................Desperate.
Outgoing......... Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional.......................B*tch.
Voluptuous.......................Very Fat.
Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate................Stalker.
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever
think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with with that outfit = I'm gay
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when
you can get the milk for free", here's an update for you.
Now 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig,.........just to get a little sausage.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its nose." replies the husband
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Now, that calls for an  for sure!!!
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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This new trend is becoming the hot ticket on the west coast
men are paying up to five figures to get this new piercing for their wives!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Young Tommy just got potty trained, but when he goes to the bathroom he manages to hit everything but the toilet, so his Mom has to constantly go in and clean up after him. Finally, after two weeks of this she can't take it anymore and takes Tommy to the Doctor.
After the examination the Doctor tells the Mom that Tommy's penis is a bit small and maybe they could try an old wives tale to give Tommy two slices of toast every morning, and then his peniswill grow so he can hold it better and therefore take a better aim.
the next morning tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table were twelve slices of toast. "Mom" Tommy yells, "The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast"
" I know" sais his mother. "The other ten are for your father"!!!!!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.
The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible!"
The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God!"
"She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?"
"Easy...Every night she places a burnt offering before me!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A wife was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast when her husband walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?"
She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment".
He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen table and they have sex. Afterwards he asks, "What was that all about?"
She answers "The egg timer's broken!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man and woman were married ten years, so the husband asks what she would like for christmas. To which the wife replies, I want a divorce!
The husband says, hell I wasn't looking to spend that much!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.
The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost
track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to
enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in
meeting up and rekindling a little of that "magic."
Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a
bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She just giggled and
said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.
Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying
that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great
lover.
"Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to fork off.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Linhardt
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 178
Loc: Jefferson City, Missouri
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How many men does it take to open a beer?
None It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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Anthony Linhardt
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her car coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear another car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not her car? When she comes home her hair is different than when she left and she smells of more perfume then when she left....is she trying to cover up the scent of another man? I saw once her pants had a white stain on them, she said it was ranch dressing from the salad she had at dinner with "the girls". I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her.
So I grabbed my favorite hunting rifle, in case there was a bad confrontation. I decided I was going to hide behind my truck which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was while I was crouched behind my truck contemplating what to do, that I noticed a liitle rust forming around the muzzle break on my gun. And a little more on the trigger guard.
Here's where I need your advice. Should I get one of those DIY re-blue kits, or take it to a gunsmith???
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are out fishing and sipping beer while discussing football and NASCAR.
All of a sudden Thibodeaux turns to Boudreaux and says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife... she hasn't spoken to me in over six months."
Boudreaux sips his beer and replies, "You better think it over... women like that are hard to find."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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