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Valintines Day Jokes
      #12607 - 01/11/06 06:28 AM

Here's a place to put those tributes to the one that makes your heart throb.... or maybe its your temple.... or maybe its your, well anyway here's the place.



Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian Saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

Osama Bin Laden," she says.

Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.

Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, ! he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot and then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new-found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, our Marines could blow his ass to Kingdom Come."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Edited by SwampFox (01/15/06 05:10 PM)


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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #14736 - 01/15/06 05:01 PM

The valentines day date was to be at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner. After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINATELY never eaten.

I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made:

I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sauteed in shaved garlic and olive oil.

In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.

When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy right?)

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila--Ranger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six ) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that $hit is EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale at the Lejeune PX ), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"

We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup.

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.

Let the games begin.

She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smellgood) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time I could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG with me???," as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

She came out with a slightly gray palor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Immodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.

Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.

After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Army food" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?" After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word.

She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't $hit for 5 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.

It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.

I know, I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #14738 - 01/15/06 05:03 PM

Last Valentine's day, I went out with a waitress from a Chinese restaurant. We ended up back at her place, where we engaged in a little light petting on the couch.

The waitress started to heat up. "I'll give you anything you like, Valentine," she said as she sat astradle my lap.

"Um, a little 69 would be nice," I said.

So she fixed me chicken with garlic sauce.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #14739 - 01/15/06 05:04 PM

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been seeing each other for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is: "Always keep your condoms in your car."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #14740 - 01/15/06 05:05 PM

How to translate classified type 'personal' ads

Affectionate = Horny.
Aging Child = Self centered adult.
Ample = Large.
Assertive = Pushy with a mean streak.
Attractive = Average and conceited
Average = Below Average
Chatty = Never shuts up.
Cute = Ugly
Dynamic = Pushy
Excited About Life's Journey = No concept of reality.
Sassy = Large and loudmouthed.
(I am) financially secure = I have a job.
(You are) financially secure = You are rich.
Freedom loving = Undependable.
Free Spirited = Crazy and irresponsible.
High Spirited = Crazy, hyperactive, and throws things.
Huggable = Large and flabby.
Independent Thinker = Crazy.
Irreverent = Mean and lacking basic social skills.
Looking for 'Mr/Miss Right' = Looking for Mr/Miss Rich.
Moody = Manic-depressive.
Non Drinker = I just finished the 12 step program.
Passionate = REALLY horny.
(I am) Petite = I am short.
(You are) Petite = You are Size 2.
Poetic = Manic-depressive and boring.
Relaxed = Lazy
Romantic = Horny.
Self Employed = Unemployed.
Slender = Skinny.
Social Drinker = Alcoholic.
Svelte = Anorexic.
Uninhibited = Lacking basic social skills.
Unpredictable = Psychopathic and off medication.
Very Human = Looks like Quasimodo.
Young at Heart = Over 40.
Youthful = Over 50 and in major denial

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #14741 - 01/15/06 05:06 PM

Murphy's Laws On Love:

All the good ones are taken.

If the person isn't taken, there's a reason for it (refer #1)

The nicer someone is, the further away he/she is from you.

Celibacy is not hereditary.

Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.

The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love him or her.

Friends come and go, but ex?s accumulate.

Money can't buy love, but it sure puts you in a great bargaining position.

The best things in the world are free, and it shows.

Every kind action has a not so kind reaction or hidden agenda.

Nice girls/guys really do finish last.

If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.

Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

When the lights are out, every body is beautiful.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight it out.

It's always easier to get a partner if you already have one.

If A is attracted to B, and you are attracted to C, A has a better chance with B than you do with C. B and C are often the same person.

If you're having difficulties choosing between two potential partners, you'll always pick the wrong one.

If it seems perfect today, tomorrow it will end.

Love is blind. Marriage is an eye opener

Even the most beautiful woman in the world has at least one guy who is tired of her.

Romance is when common sense flies out of the window.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #14742 - 01/15/06 05:06 PM

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #14743 - 01/15/06 05:08 PM


Here's one Jim H. posted in feb. of 04.

Valentine Poem

Collards is green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Edited by SwampFox (01/15/06 05:09 PM)


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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #14744 - 01/15/06 05:08 PM

A Brief And Misinterpretted History Of Valentine's Day

Ancient Times: The beginnings of the holiday started with a dissident tribe of pagans, later identified as a band of Democratic Presidential Candidates. At that time Hallmark cards were not able to use the modern techniques of printing such as inkjets and lasers. Instead the company used the blood of goats or dogs as primitive forms of ink. To keep the locals unsuspicious of their capatialistic exploitation of the holiday they presented the dead animals as a sacrifice to Lupercalia. Also the origins of dominatrix and sadomasochism are seen at this time when young men would use the hides to whip the infertile women of the town asking them 'Who's yo' daddy?'

Christianity: Now, let the pagans have their uncivilized fun and festivals, and who has to come along and ruin it? First, it was PETA blowing the whistle on animal cruelty. Then it was the early Roman Catholic Church, who was jealous that the most exciting holiday on their calendar was forty days of giving something up. So, they adopted the holiday to have wild parties. They gave the holiday the new name of St. Valentine's Day. Saint Valentint performed secret marriages and was known in certain Bishops' circles as a master of Kama Sutra. Later, he was sentenced to death for some oppressive reason. Before his death he sent his lover a WallMart Dilbert Card ($2.85) signed 'Your Valentine.'

Medieval: In medieval Europe, the people believed that the 14th of February was the day that birds selected their mates. Hence the term 'lovebirds.' Wow, they sure were clever. They couldn't figure out how to cook meat, but they had time to think up witty phrases like, lovebirds. The first card was officially sent at this time, a Hallmark fold out, ($3.50) from a prisoner in France. The card was actually a cryptic message plotting his escape. Unfortunately, the wife was flattered by the message of love and ignored the plan. Later her husband was beheaded.

Victorian: Everything was mass-produced, and materialism killed the spirit of the holiday. Oh the joys of the Industrial Revolution. It turned the world into faceless masses, inspiring Ayn Rand novels, and in turn inspiring lots of college kids not to pursue a major in English.

Modern: Today children and lovers celebrate the holiday together. Children give candy hearts either for the sugar high or a peck on the cheek behind Mrs. Weidlemeyer's classroom. On the other hand, lovers exchange chocolate hearts. They become disillusioned, thinking that on that night, instead of performing the act of sex, they will delve into the art of making love. Lovers fill every restaurant in town, leaving singles to make reservations even at the drive-thru line at McDonalds.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #14745 - 01/15/06 05:11 PM

Martian Love

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen. 'Pretty much the way you do,' responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks, 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'It's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow....' 'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #14746 - 01/15/06 05:12 PM

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was very difficult decision. After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time.
The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up. The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties. The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:
"This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.
"These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.
I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.
Love, Cuddle Bear
p.s. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #14747 - 01/15/06 05:13 PM

The Rejected Valentine

At the office, where I worked, there was an angel there.
Her hair was long and flowing, and her skin was soft and fair.
I wanted so, to ask her out, but I was way too shy.
I thought she was too beautiful, for me to even try.

A few times I approached her, she just smiled and walked away.
I could not get the courage up, and "Hi" was all I'd say.
Then, I had an idea, I would get her home address,
And send a VALENTINE to her, and with it I'd express.

I poured my heart out in the card, and ask her to be mine,
And then I dropped it in the mail, my special VALENTINE.
In just a few short days, I had a response in my mail,
A card with her return address, I started feeling pale.

I opened up my eyes to see, a card shaped like a heart,
And in the center, someone drew, a bloody piercing dart.
I opened up the card to see, if writing was inside,
And when I started reading it, I damn near almost died.

I'd love to be your VALENTINE, but I think I will pass,
My husband says he'll be at work, to kick your stupid ass.
I'm glad you like my body, and you think it's really fine,
My husband says this card is going, where the sun don't shine.

In your card, you said there's things to me you'd love to do,
I think my husband's going to do, all of those things to you.
So, have a Happy VALENTINES, I'll see you Monday morn,
My husband says on Tuesday, you'll wish you were never born

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #14748 - 01/15/06 05:13 PM

Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.

Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.

"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."

"Excellent!!! So,.... Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #14749 - 01/15/06 05:14 PM

The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny.

When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.

"Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #14750 - 01/15/06 05:15 PM

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

"Why... didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook...."

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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #14751 - 01/15/06 05:16 PM

Dictionary of dating

DATING:
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY:
A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT:
A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND:
A member of the opposite sex who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE
A woman's feeling toward a man that is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT:
What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC:
A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

SOBER
A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

ATTRACTION:
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT:
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY:
How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #14753 - 01/15/06 05:20 PM

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.


When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.


My wife told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.


A husband said to his wife,
"No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."




A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."


The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.


Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.


How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done.


A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."


A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."


A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.


Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.


Cosmetics: A woman's way of keeping a man from reading between the lines.


Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute


Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!


First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."


Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.


Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.


When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car
is new or the wife.


Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After
marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Bachelors should pay more taxes, they enjoy a better quality of life.

Marriage is a three ring circus:
engagement ring
wedding ring
suffering

--------------------
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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #14776 - 01/15/06 08:03 PM

Rene, the great French fighter pilot is with a beautiful woman who is eager and willing. She urges him: " Kiss me, Rene!". Rene splashes some red wine on her lips and explains:" Rene always has red wine with red meat". The girl is a little disconcerted but shrugs it off.

The girl asks moments later: " Rene, kiss me a little lower". Rene splashes white wine on her breasts and says: " Rene always has white wine with white meat!" The girl now is used to this odd habit of lovemaking.

A little while later she asks: " Rene, why don't you kiss me lower?"

Rene splashes brandy on her crotch and lights it with a match.

The girl is appalled and sscreams: " Rene,What are you doing?"

He proclaims: " Rene, ze fighter pilot always goes down in flames!"

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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #17991 - 01/25/06 04:38 PM

A piece of cheese cake has about 800 calories.
You burn 26 calories when you kiss someone for one minute.
So if I have the math right it requires me to kiss my wife 30.769 minutes to burn off the effects of the cheese cake.
If I eat two pieces it would take an hour.
Think I'll give up deserts.

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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #74892 - 12/25/06 06:46 PM

Test

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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #74896 - 12/25/06 07:00 PM

You checking to see if you burned off those 800 calories yet?

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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: Mel]
      #84238 - 02/13/07 02:52 AM



Edited by SwampFox (02/13/07 02:54 AM)


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Re: Valintines Day Jokes *DELETED* [Re: SwampFox]
      #175150 - 02/02/09 01:27 AM

Post deleted by SwampFox

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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #175151 - 02/02/09 01:32 AM

A young wife was taking a nap on V-Day. After she woke up she called her husband at work and told him, "I just had the strangest dream! I dreamt that you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." the husband.

The young wife was all excited with this response and couldn't wait for evening to get there. That evening the husband came home with a package and gave it to her. Somewhat confused by the shape of the package, she nevertheless tore open the wrapping paper only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #175152 - 02/02/09 01:33 AM



--------------------
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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #175155 - 02/02/09 01:56 AM

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh*t."

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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #175461 - 02/04/09 03:33 AM



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Re: Valintines Day Jokes *DELETED* [Re: SwampFox]
      #175861 - 02/07/09 07:36 PM

Post deleted by SwampFox

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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #175889 - 02/08/09 02:59 PM



--------------------
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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #176637 - 02/14/09 10:35 PM

More than a Hallmark holiday, Valentine's Day, like Halloween, is rooted in pagan partying.

The lovers' holiday traces its roots to raucous annual Roman festivals where men stripped naked, grabbed goat- or dog-skin whips, and spanked young maidens in hopes of increasing their fertility, said classics professor Noel Lenski of the University of Colorado at Boulder.

The annual pagan celebration, called Lupercalia, was held every year on February 15 and remained wildly popular well into the fifth century A.D.—at least 150 years after Constantine made Christianity the official religion of the Roman Empire.

"It is clearly a very popular thing, even in an environment where the Christians are trying to close it down," Lenski said. "So there's reason to think that the Christians might instead have said, OK, we'll just call this a Christian festival."

The church pegged the festival to the legend of St. Valentine.

According to the story, in the third century A.D. Roman Emperor Claudius II, seeking to bolster his army, forbade young men to marry. Valentine, it is said, flouted the ban, performing marriages in secret.

For his defiance, Valentine was executed in A.D. 270—on February 14, the story goes.

While it's not known whether the legend is true, Lenski said, "it may be a convenient explanation for a Christian version of what happened at Lupercalia."

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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #176648 - 02/15/09 05:55 AM

The only online one I got....





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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: MB2]
      #176654 - 02/15/09 08:47 AM

You say that like it's a bad thing....

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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #176690 - 02/15/09 04:53 PM

From a girlfriend.

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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: MB2]
      #176707 - 02/15/09 06:52 PM

Suddenly, this thread is worthless without pictures.

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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #199953 - 02/13/10 02:32 AM

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine's Day

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Edited by SwampFox (02/14/21 10:00 AM)


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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #199954 - 02/13/10 02:47 AM

Valentine's Day Specials

This time of year, couples can take advantage of the great Valentine's deals many businesses have to offer. Here are some of the bargains that are available:

JetBlue: Last-minute Elopers' Special fares to Reno or Las Vegas with coupon code HUGEMISTAKE

1-800-Flowers: Bouquet of any kind guaranteed to be delivered at least two days late, and without apology or refund; applies to any order, ever, not just those on Valentine's Day

Frederick's of Hollywood: 10 percent off everything crotchless

T.G.I. Friday's: Free margaritas for every table that looks like the guy's having trouble closing the deal

Target: Half off candles you can light and enjoy until he comes home and says this place smells like a goddamn whorehouse and blows them out, throwing them in the trash before heading into the bedroom to play Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2

Sears Portrait Studio: Free after-hours erotic portrait session when you call Doug on his home phone

Rite Aid: Complimentary can of Axe body spray with every NuvaRing purchased

Thomas Kinkade Art Gallery: Available for a limited time only at the price of $499.49, a new original painting signed by Kinkade himself and titled "forkin' In The Snow"

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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #199973 - 02/13/10 02:49 PM



--------------------
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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #213779 - 02/14/11 12:47 PM

Happy VD!

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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #236131 - 02/14/13 12:41 PM



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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #236132 - 02/14/13 12:47 PM



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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #251564 - 01/16/16 09:33 PM

It's that time of year.

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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #251728 - 02/08/16 07:58 PM

Bob was sitting at the table one morning, reading the paper after breakfast. In it was an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known for his lack of IQ.

He turned to his wife and said, "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

She replied, "Why, thank you, Dear!".

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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #258575 - 01/20/19 11:05 AM

You might need these in the next couple of weeks.

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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #264645 - 02/06/24 09:34 PM

But, I repeat myself...

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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #264657 - 02/14/24 01:25 PM

One morning a woman came downstairs to find her husband staring misty eyed out the window. She asked what was on his mind.
He asked her, "Remember when I was 18 and you were 16 and your dad caught us making love?"
"Oh yes." she replied.
"Your dad said he would send me to prison for 20 years If I didn't marry you?"
"I remember that."
"Well, I would have gotten out today."

--------------------
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Re: Valintines Day Jokes [Re: SwampFox]
      #264659 - 02/14/24 10:01 PM

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 30+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided, for valentines day, to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"

--------------------
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