SwampFox
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Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on his birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Teacher, Ms. Pelzner, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy.
"Tell me Patrick what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked.
Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Pelzner, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."
"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?" Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents, " Jimmy replied. "That's also very nice Jimmy," she said.
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked Isaac Cohen the same question.
"Now Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?" Isaac said, "Well we also sing carols!" Surprised, Mrs. Jones questioned further. "Tell us what you sing "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing," What a friend we have in Jesus." Then we all go to the Bahamas.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, 'What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas'?
The little girl replies, 'I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe'.
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, 'I thought Barbie comes with Ken'.
'No', said the little girl. 'She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Not long ago,and far away,as Santa prepared for his annual trip.......chaos erupted. Four of his elves got sick,and the trainees couldn't produce the toys as fast as the regular elves.
Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then,Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit. "Great" thought Santa.
When he went outside to harness the reindeer he found three of them about to give birth,and two had jumped the fence.
More stress!
To top it off,when he tried to load the sleigh,one of the boards cracked. The toy bag fell to the ground,scattering the toys.
Totally frustrated,Santa went inside for a cup of coffee. In his frustration,he dropped the coffe pot,breaking it into hundreds of little pieces.When he went to get the broom,he found mice had eaten the straw bristles.
Just then, the doorbell rang. Santa stomped to the door and opened it to find a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. "Hi,fat man" said th angel,"Where would you like me to put this tree?"
And that my friends is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I asked if I could wish all of you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, but my lawyer said he needed to make a few legal revisions before I sent it out. Here is what he came up with . . .
From me ("the wishor") to you ("the wishee"), please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
We wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2004, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee. By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:
1. This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.
2. This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.
3. This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement the inferences contained in this correspondence.
4. This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain geographical locations.
5. This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably as may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.
6. The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Congressional Christmas!
Here is the verse from a Christmas card sent from a Democrat to his Republican Friend:
The election is over, the results are known,
the will of the people has clearly been shown.
Let's forget the quarrels and show by our deeds,
we will give our leaderall the help that he needs.
So let's all get together, and let bitterness pass,
I'll hug your elephant and you kiss my ass.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two friends, a rich guy and a poor guy, are sitting at a bar just after Christmas.
Poor guy asks the rich guy what he got his wife for Christmas.
The rich guy says, "I got her a Mercedes and a diamond ring."
The poor guy asks, "Why the hell would you get her BOTH a Mercedes AND a diamond ring?!"
His rich friend answers, "Well if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she can take it back to the store in the Mercedes and still have a new car to drive."
They sit there for a second, and the rich friend asks his poor friend what he got his wife for Christmas.
The poor guy answers, "I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo."
The puzzled rich friend had to ask, "Now why would you get your wife a pair of slippers and a dildo?"
The poor guy answers, "Well if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid:
10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing
6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his bed.
5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list
4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee
3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you."
2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."
1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two sisters, 10 and 5, both auditioned for parts in the Christmas pageant.
Both were very excited about getting their parts. And as sisters will do, that night at the dinner table they were arguing about who had the most important and most difficult part.
Finally the 10 year old turns to the 5 year old and says; "Just ask Mom! She'll tell you that it is MUCH harder to be a virgin than an angel!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Does Santa exist
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1)No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2)There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3)Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4)The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.
Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5)353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft's re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second.
Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity.
A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
Mmmm... but remember kids, when you stop believing in Santa is when you start getting clothes for Christmas...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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One day Santa gets a visit from a worker of the Federal Aviation Administration. The worker tells Santa that he will need to look over the sleigh and the reindeer before he is allowed to fly this Christmas.
The FAA worker looks over the sleigh and reindeer, tells Santa that everything passed, but he still needs to pass the flight test.
Santa gets the sleigh ready to go on the flight test, and the FAA worker says that he will be right back.
When the FAA worker returns Santa notices he has a shotgun laying on his lap.
Santa asks "Whats that for".
The FAA worker says "I'm really not suppose to tell you this (wink) but you're going to lose an engine on takeoff"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington DC this year.
This is not for any religious reason, they could not find 3 wise men or a virgin in DC.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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That's because there are more horses azzes than horses in Washington.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St.Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Not a joke but this looked like the place to put it.
Why December 25?
For the church's first three centuries, Christmas wasn't in December?or on the calendar at all.
Elesha Coffman
It's very tough for us North Americans to imagine Mary and Joseph trudging to Bethlehem in anything but, as Christina Rosetti memorably described it, "the bleak mid-winter," surrounded by "snow on snow on snow." To us, Christmas and December are inseparable. But for the first three centuries of Christianity, Christmas wasn't in December?or on the calendar anywhere.
If observed at all, the celebration of Christ's birth was usually lumped in with Epiphany (January 6), one of the church's earliest established feasts. Some church leaders even opposed the idea of a birth celebration. Origen (c.185-c.254) preached that it would be wrong to honor Christ in the same way Pharaoh and Herod were honored. Birthdays were for pagan gods.
Not all of Origen's contemporaries agreed that Christ's birthday shouldn't be celebrated, and some began to speculate on the date (actual records were apparently long lost). Clement of Alexandria (c.150-c.215) favored May 20 but noted that others had argued for April 18, April 19, and May 28. Hippolytus (c.170-c.236) championed January 2. November 17, November 20, and March 25 all had backers as well. A Latin treatise written around 243 pegged March 21, because that was believed to be the date on which God created the sun. Polycarp (c.69-c.155) had followed the same line of reasoning to conclude that Christ's birth and baptism most likely occurred on Wednesday, because the sun was created on the fourth day.
The eventual choice of December 25, made perhaps as early as 273, reflects a convergence of Origen's concern about pagan gods and the church's identification of God's son with the celestial sun. December 25 already hosted two other related festivals: natalis solis invicti (the Roman "birth of the unconquered sun"), and the birthday of Mithras, the Iranian "Sun of Righteousness" whose worship was popular with Roman soldiers. The winter solstice, another celebration of the sun, fell just a few days earlier. Seeing that pagans were already exalting deities with some parallels to the true deity, church leaders decided to commandeer the date and introduce a new festival.
Western Christians first celebrated Christmas on December 25 in 336, after Emperor Constantine had declared Christianity the empire's favored religion. Eastern churches, however, held on to January 6 as the date for Christ's birth and his baptism. Most easterners eventually adopted December 25, celebrating Christ's birth on the earlier date and his baptism on the latter, but the Armenian church celebrates his birth on January 6. Incidentally, the Western church does celebrate Epiphany on January 6, but as the arrival date of the Magi rather than as the date of Christ's baptism.
Another wrinkle was added in the sixteenth century when Pope Gregory devised a new calendar, which was unevenly adopted. The Eastern Orthodox and some Protestants retained the Julian calendar, which meant they celebrated Christmas 13 days later than their Gregorian counterparts. Most?but not all?of the Christian world now agrees on the Gregorian calendar and the December 25 date.
The pagan origins of the Christmas date, as well as pagan origins for many Christmas customs (gift-giving and merrymaking from Roman Saturnalia; greenery, lights, and charity from the Roman New Year; Yule logs and various foods from Teutonic feasts), have always fueled arguments against the holiday. "It's just paganism wrapped with a Christian bow," naysayers argue. But while kowtowing to worldliness must always be a concern for Christians, the church has generally viewed efforts to reshape culture?including holidays?positively. As a theologian asserted in 320, "We hold this day holy, not like the pagans because of the birth of the sun, but because of him who made it."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2004
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2004
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2004
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2004
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. (Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.)
To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All ******* Employees
DATE: October 05, 2004
RE: The ******* Holiday Party
Vegetarian *****s I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your ******* salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The ***** from HELL!!!!!!!!
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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2004
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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So there are these two snowmen out in a field just enjoying the day, having a little conversation when one turns to the other and says "Hey, do you smell carrots."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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December 6: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 7: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my *** on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like ****. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14"of the **** stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Dam snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to urinate. By the time I got undressed, urinated and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the ******* is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a ***** who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the **** snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the G##D##N slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the **** did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28:Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. She is driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9 inches predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Dear Santa,
I can explain.......
Brian
Dear Brian,
While I know the explaination you have concocted took great thought and imagination to come up with, let me remind you that Santa knows all.
You see, two Chirstmas' past I was making my rounds as usual delivering toys and presents to all the good little girls and boys around the world when I happened upon a small house in Joplin, Missouri. On the outside the house looked no different than any other, having Christmas lights strung up on the bushes and around the eves, a well lit tree in the front window, and even a Merry Christmas door mat welcoming guests. Unbeknownst to me at the time however, there was a madman living within.
As I parked my sleigh upon the roof and gave my reindeer a rest, little did I know this evil doer had already begun executing his plan. As I slid down the chimney with presents in tow, this madman snuck out the back with his trusty crossbow.
I was placing said presents quietly around the tree, when suddenly I heard a clutter upon the roof. Knowing my reindeer to be well behaved, I immediately know something was astray. I shot up the chimney as fast as coul be, and there laying before me lay Donner and Blitzen. Feering for the safety of the remainder of my team, I unhooked the fallen and took flight in the night.
The following Christmas (this last Christmas past) Santa knew better than to park atop the Barham home. While the madman remained a tenant of this residence, his children were angels whom I could not neglect. With my sleigh safely deployed on a neighboring roof, I unhooked Prancer from the team and he alone took me in.
We landed lightly and quiet as can be, but again this madman had a plot up his sleeve. I slid down the chimney with presents in tow, rushing my work not knowing what's in store. As I turn to the chimney to make my escape, I spotted a note reading:
Deer SanTa,
Thank you for visiting us this Christmas Eve. We have been very good this year, and to thank you for all the wonderful presents we have left you some jerkey which my father made especially for you Chistmad Day of last year.
Imagine my horror when I realized the treat before me had come from my own reindeer. The nerve of this man to not only shoot two reindeer of my team, but then to process it into tasty treats on which his lovely children have been eating over the course of the year.
I decided then and there that it was time to meet this evil doer face to face, but my train of thought was broken as I heard one, then two shots ring out. Fearing the worst I again shot up the chimney expecting to find the unimagineable, but Prancer was nowhere to be found. As I looked to the neighboring roof where my team and sleigh lay in hiding, a third shot rang out and then a fourth.
My reindeer were dropping one at a time, first Comet then Cupid, now Dasher and Vixen! I looked to the source of the shots and who did I see? Why it's Brian in the bushes with his trusty 12FV!
Needless to say that by the time old Santa was able to make his way back to the neighboring rooftop, our friend Brian had succeeded in harvesting the entire team. Just then out of nothwere I hear a familiar jingle, and low and behold here comes Prancer. With a stealthy landing and a speedy lift-off, we made our retreat back north to the pole.
So Brian, now that Santa has refreshed your memory you can rest assured that I will not be making such mistakes again. I have outfitted my new team of reindeer with kevlar body armour rather than the traditional sleigh bells, and this year Jolly Saint Nick will be packing some heat of his own. So lest you be wise and subdue your cunning ways, for this year Santa comes armed and is ready to play!
P.S. The jerky was delicious, I do hope you have more for me this year.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED FAR RIGHT & LEFT SIDE
Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are
Amnesia --- I Don't Know If I'll Be Home For Christmas
Narcissistic --- Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me
Manic --- Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And Fire Hydrants And ....
Paranoid --- Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me
Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire
Full Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...
Agoraphobia --- I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House
Senile Dementia --- Walking In A Winter Wonderland Miles From My House In My Slippers And Robe
Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down The House
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Twas The Night Before Christmas and Santa Is Pissed...
Twas the night before Christmas old Santa was pissed,
He cussd out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable brats and ungrateful jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" what do I hear?..
The old lady b!tches cause I work all night
The elves want more money, the reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is Pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things had to get better,
The IRS sent a registered letter.
They say I owe taxes, if that aint damn funny..
Who in the hell ever sent Santa money?
The children these days are really the pits.
They're really impossible, mean little sh!ts.
I spent a whole year making goodies for them.
They want Razors and i-Pods, I'm not IBM
If you think that is bad, just picture this,
Try holding those brats with their pants full of piss.
They pull on my nose, they grab at my beard.
And if I don't smile, their folks think I'm weird
I fly through the air, dodging the trees.
I fall down chimneys and bang up my knees.
I'm quit this job, there's just no enjoyment.
I'll park my fat ass and collect unemployment
There's NO Christmas this year, now you know the reason
No more Ho Ho Ho. It's Aruba this season.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Those boys with too much time on thier hands haave done it again.
If you play Jingle Bells backward they claim you get a satanic message.
See what you think....
Jingle Bells reversed
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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This looks like David Barry's stuff but it came without credits......
*******
This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb, went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know.
One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it."
The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.)
If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men.
That is why today I am presenting:
GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN:
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch.
They must be smoking crack.
* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas
1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Dear Santa,
You may be suprised that I am writing you today, the 26th of December.
Well, I would very much like to clear upcertain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month when, filled with illuson, I wrote you my letter.
I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades and a football uniform.
I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.
I'm not going to lie to you. There was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me with my parents, my brothers, my neighbors and my friends.
I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street.
There was vurtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.
What balls you have leaving me a ******* yo-yo, a lame whistle and a pair of ugly socks.
What the **** were you thinking you fat *****, That you've taken me for a sucker the whole ******* year to come out with some **** like this under the tree.
As if you hadn't ****** me enough you gave that little quiff across the street so many toys he can't even walk into the house.
Don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll **** you up!
I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the ******* North Pole, just like I have to ******* do now since you didn't give me the ******* bike.
**** YOU SANTA.
Next year you'll find out just how bad I can be, you FAT **********.
Sincerly
Little Johnny
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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