Cafeoutdoors.com: Christmas Jokes

Grab the kleenex......

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A Christmas Story

The old man sat in his gas station on a cold Christmas Eve. He hadn't been anywhere in years since his wife had passed away. He had no decorations, no tree, and no lights. It was just another day to him. He didn't hate Christmas, just couldn't find a reason to celebrate. There were no children in his life. His wife had gone.

He was sitting there looking at the snow that had been falling for the last hour and wondering what it was all about when the door opened and a homeless man stepped through. Instead of throwing the man out, George, Old George as he was known by his customers, told the man to come and sit by the space heater and warm-up.

"Thank you, but I don't mean to intrude," said the stranger. "I see you're busy. I'll just go" "Not without something hot in your belly," George turned and opened a wide mouth Thermos and handed it to the stranger. "It ain't much, but it's hot and tasty. Stew. Made it myself. When you're done there's coffee and it's fresh."

Just at that moment he heard the "ding" of the driveway bell. "Excuse me, be right back," George said. There in the driveway was an old 53 Chevy. Steam was rolling out of the front. The driver was panicked. "Mister can you help me!" said the driver with a deep Spanish accent. "My wife is with child and my car is broken." George opened the hood. It was bad. The block looked cracked from the cold; the car was dead. "You ain't going in this thing," George said as he turned away. "But mister. Please help...."The door of the office closed behind George as he went in. George went to the office wall and got the keys to his old truck, and went back outside. He walked around the building and opened the garage, started the truck and drove it around to where the couple was waiting. "Here, you can borrow my truck," he said. "She ain't the best thing you ever looked at, but she runs real good." George helped put the woman in the truck and watched as it sped off into the night.

George turned and walked back inside the office.

"Glad I loaned em the truck. Their tires were shot too. That ol? truck has brand new tires........" George thought he was talking to the stranger, but the man had gone. The thermos was on the desk, empty with a used coffee cup beside it. "Well, at least he got something in his belly," George thought.

George went back outside to see if the old Chevy would start. It cranked slowly, but it started. He pulled it into the garage where the truck had been. He thought he would tinker with it for something to do. Christmas Eve meant no customers. He discovered the block hadn't cracked; it was just the bottom hose on the radiator. "Well, I can fix this," he said to himself. So he put a new one on. "Those tires ain't gonna get 'em through the winter either." He took the snow treads off of his wife's old Lincoln. They were like new and he wasn't going to drive the car.

As he was working he heard a shot being fired. He ran outside and beside a police car an officer lay on the cold ground. Bleeding from the left shoulder, the officer moaned, "Help me." George helped the officer inside as he remembered the training he had received in the Army as a medic. He knew the wound needed attention. "Pressure to stop the bleeding," he thought. The laundry company had been there that morning and had left clean shop towels. He used those and duct tape to bind the wound. "Hey, they say duct tape can fix anythin'," he said, trying to make the policeman feel at ease. "Something for pain," George thought. All he had was the pills he used for his back. "These ought to work." He put some water in a cup and gave the policeman the pills. "You hang in there. I'm going to get you an ambulance." George said, but the phone was dead. "Maybe I can get one of your buddies on that there talk box out in your police car."

He went out only to find that a bullet had gone into the dashboard destroying the two-way radio. He went back in to find the policeman sitting up. "Thanks," said the officer. "You could have left me there. The guy that shot me is still in the area." George sat down beside him. "I would never leave an injured man in the Army and I ain't gonna leave you." George pulled back the bandage to check for bleeding. "Looks worse than what it is. Bullet passed right through 'ya. Good thing it missed the important stuff though. I think with time your gonna be right as rain."

George got up and poured a cup of coffee. "How do you take it?" he asked. "None for me," said the officer. "Oh, yer gonna drink this. Best in the city." Then George added: "Too bad I ain't got no donuts." The officer laughed and winced at the same time. The front door of the office flew open. In burst a young man with a gun.

"Give me all your cash! Do it now!" the young man yelled. His hand was shaking and George could tell that he had never done anything like this before. "That's the guy that shot me!" exclaimed the officer. "Son, why are you doing this?" asked George. "You need to put the cannon away. Somebody else might get hurt." The young man was confused. "Shut up old man, or I'll shoot you, too. Now give me the cash!" The cop was reaching for his gun. "Put that thing away," George said to the cop. "We got one too many in here now." He turned his attention to the young man. "Son, it's Christmas Eve. If you need the money, well then, here. It ain't much but it's all I got. Now put that pee shooter away."

George pulled $150 out of his pocket and handed it to the young man, reaching for the barrel of the gun at the same time. The young man released his grip on the gun, fell to his knees and began to cry. "I'm not very good at this am I? All I wanted was to buy something for my wife and son," he went on. "I've lost my job. My rent is due. My car got repossessed last week." George handed the gun to the cop. "Son, we all get in a bit of squeeze now and then. The road gets hard sometimes, but we make it through the best we can."

He got the young man to his feet, and sat him down on a chair across from the cop. "Sometimes we do stupid things." George handed the young man a cup of coffee. "Being stupid is one of the things that makes us human. Comin' in here with a gun ain't the answer. Now sit there and get warm and we'll sort this thing out." The young man had stopped crying. He looked over to the cop. "Sorry I shot you. It just went off. I'm sorry officer." "Shut up and drink your coffee,? the cop said.

George could hear the sounds of sirens outside. A police car and an ambulance skidded to a halt. Two cops came through the door, guns drawn. "Chuck! You ok?" one of the cops asked the wounded officer. "Not bad for a guy who took a bullet. How did you find me?" "GPS locator in the car. Best thing since sliced bread. Who did this?" the other cop asked as he approached the young man. Chuck answered him, "I don't know. The guy ran off into the dark. Just dropped his gun and ran."

George and the young man both looked puzzled at each other. "Who?s the young fellow?? one of the cops asked. ?I don?t remember him around here before?. Thinking quickly George responded, "Just hired him this morning?. Boy lost his job." The paramedics came in and loaded Chuck onto the stretcher. The young man leaned over the wounded cop and whispered, "Why?" Chuck just said, "Merry Christmas, boy. And you too, George, and thanks for everything."

"Well, looks like you got one doozy of a break there. That ought to solve some of your problems." George went into the back room and came out with a box. He pulled out a ring box. "Here you go. Something for the little woman. I don't think Martha would mind. She said it would come in handy some day." The young man looked inside to see the biggest diamond ring he ever saw. "I can't take this," said the young man. It means something to you." And now it means something to you," replied George. I got my memories. That's all I need." George reached into the box again. A toy airplane, a racing car and a little metal truck appeared next. They were toys that the oil company had left for him to sell. "Here's something for that little man of yours." The young man began to cry again as he handed back the $150 that the old man had handed him earlier. "And what are you supposed to buy Christmas dinner with? You keep that, too. Count it as part of your first week's pay." George said. Now git home to your family." The young man turned with tears streaming down his face. I'll be here in the morning for work, if that job offer is still good." "Nope. I'm closed Christmas day," George said. "See ya the day after." George turned around to find that the stranger had returned.

"Where'd you come from? I thought you left?" "I have been here. I have always been here," said the stranger. "You say you don't celebrate Christmas. Why?" "Well, after my wife passed away I just couldn't see what all the bother was. Puttin' up a tree and all seemed a waste of a good pine tree. Bakin' cookies like I used to with Martha just wasn't the same by myself and besides I was getting a little chubby." The stranger put his hand on George's shoulder. "But you do celebrate the holiday, George. You gave me food and drink and warmed me when I was cold and hungry. The woman with child will bear a son and he will become a great doctor. The policeman you helped will go on to save 19 people from being killed by terrorists. The young man who tried to rob you will become a rich man and share his wealth with many people. That is the spirit of the season and you keep it as good as any man." George was taken aback by all this stranger had said. "And how do you know all this?" asked the old man.

"Trust me, George. I have the inside track on this sort of thing. And when your days are done you will be with Martha again." The stranger moved toward the door. "If you will excuse me, George, I have to go now. I have to go home where there is a big celebration planned."

George watched as the man's old leather jacket and his torn pants turned into a white robe. A golden light began to fill the room.

"You see, George, it's my birthday. Merry Christmas."

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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."

What Would Happen If Jesus Were Born In U.S. Today?

Infant Discovered In Barn, Child Protective Services Launch Probe

Nazareth Carpenter Being Held On Charges Involving Underage Mother

12/14/06 --"Information Clearing House" - Bethlehem, Judea - Authorities were today alerted by a concerned citizen who noticed a family living in a barn. Upon arrival, Family Protective Service personnel, accompanied by police, took into protective care an infant child named Jesus, who had been wrapped in strips of cloth and placed in a feeding trough by his 14-year old mother, Mary of Nazareth.

During the confrontation, a man identified as Joseph, also of Nazareth, attempted to stop the social workers. Joseph, aided by several local shepherds and some unidentified foreigners, tried to forestall efforts to take the child, but were restrained by the police.

At one point Joseph became confrontational and delusional claiming the child was "God's child". An officer, who used a Tazer device on Joseph, stated,"The man became uncooperative. We feared for his own safety and that of the child so we used a non-lethal weapon and restrained him in handcuffs. This was the same man I detained earlier for attempting to take a donkey on a public highway. At that time he incredibly claimed a 'common right to his conveyance of choice on a public highway' explaining that his donkey only used the grassy portion and was nointerference to the faster vehicles.

He showed no identification, said he had no job and claimed to not have a social security number-laughing and uttering some non-sense that it was the 'mark of the beast'. He was cooperative at that time so I let him go with a highway warning and a charge of vagrancy. It's a trend with these types of people: We find that they start in minor trouble like traffic incidents and graduate to more acts of civil disobedience. Eventually they cross-over and break one of the many many laws of and for government. Still, I can't understand why he became uncooperative to the point that we had to use non-lethal force-after all we're just doing the job of the 'consent of the governed'. Don't these people understand that they must submit to authority that is in their best interests?"

Also being held for questioning are three foreigners who incredibly allege to be "wise men" from an eastern country. The INS and Homeland Security officials are seeking information about these who may be in the country illegally. A source with the INS states that they had no passports, but were in possession of gold and other possibly illegal substances. They resisted arrest saying that they had been warned by God to avoid officials in Jerusalem and to return quickly to their own country. The chemical substances in their possession will be tested. An officer at the scene said the suspicious enclosures for the chemical substances might constitute "drug paraphernalia". The agent for Homeland Security stated that he contacted the IRS under the suspicion that this gold might be linked to a foreign trust method of "under-reporting income".

An agent commented: "The presence of paraphernalia, chemical substances, gold, and foreign people without passports is certainly suspicious. Terrorists are known to fund terrorism activities through illegal drug trading. Or these could be part of an illegal-alien smuggling ring from Mexico. In either case the claim that these three are Kings is unsubstantiated as they are not diplomats registered with the Department of State."

The owner of the barn is also being held for questioning. The manager of Bethlehem Inn faces possible revocation of his license for violating health and safety regulations by allowing people to stay in the stable. Civil authorities are also investigating the zoning violations involved in maintaining livestock in a commercially-zoned district. The owner of the barn claimed he provided the lodging free hence the guests did not need to register.

He was noted to exclaim, "For heaven's sake, its Jesus! Can't we forego government intrusion into our lives for the Christ-child celebration?" Authorities were not amused and demanded his identification and his Inn lodging and restaurant board-of-health certification.

The location of the minor child will not be released, and the prospect for a quick resolution to this case is doubtful. Asked about when Jesus would be returned to his mother, a Child Protective Service spokesperson said, "The father is middle-aged and the mother definitely underage. This is suspicious behavior worthy of investigation." When asked who these people were and where they were from, the spokesman replied: "Both parents refuse to provide identification. Both claim no social security number and provided no marriage license.

The father claims a license from heaven as a common-law right. They have no birth certificate for the baby Jesus. In this sense they are deemed uncooperative by us and are probably members of some anti-government common-law movement group. I simply can't imagine why parents would not want to register the birth and citizenship of a baby such as Jesus!

In America everybody does this--it's for the welfare of the child. Why would they not want to register that baby Jesus as a UNITED STATES CITIZEN and hence leave his real citizenship in question? If they are not hiding something, what do they have to fear?

I tried to reason with the father. I asked the father the question as to why he never applied for baby Jesus' social security number explaining that Jesus could have earning's credit's and receive retirement benefits. The father uttered total non-sense about 'rendering unto Caesar', more religious 'mark-of-the-beast' dogma, and retirement in God's kingdom.

Frankly I'm flabbergasted by these types of people. It's a trend we wish to stop. They never volunteer and this we view as uncooperative behavior. They never apply for social security numbers, they never register the birth of their children, they refuse to register to vote for our two parties, they don't show us identification when we ask 'for their papers" kindly, they refuse to send their children to public education under a homeschool banner, they claim adherence to God's law and not man's, they claim government harassment as the reason they must be transients, and they protest filling-out voluntary-compliance government forms. Frankly, these types of anti-government people are always uncooperative. We are checking with officials in Nazareth to determine what the legal relationship is between father, mother and baby."

Joseph has admitted taking Mary from her home in Nazareth because of a census requirement. However, because she was obviously pregnant when they left, investigators are looking into other reasons for their departure. Joseph is being held without bond on charges of molestation, kidnapping, child endangerment, and statutory rape.

The local prosecutor had this to say: "I feel confident that this man is either suffering from a psychological problem or is hiding his uncooperative, anti-social and anti-government viewpoints under the disguise of religious dogma. Everybody is entitled to a viewpoint but the defining line is statutory criminal activity and possible terrorist threats. We will weigh the evidence collected and then decide the extent of the charges and whether to prosecute."

A spokesman for the court said this: "We always consider the welfare of people first. If this case is brought to trial we will judge it on the basis of social welfare for the child and criminal activity in violation of law for government. If brought to trial they will be allowed court-determined due process before a jury of their peers to present factual evidence on their behalf. Rest assured, they will NOT be permitted to express their view of the law to the jury-even though they claim to operate under God's law and not man's. This could 'unduly influence' the jury.

They will be appointed an attorney free of charge as attorneys are always for incompetents only. Rest assured that even though our incarceration rate is the highest in the world, the People still claim our courts and judges are the fairest in the world. We respect their religious viewpoints however, they will be judged and prosecuted to the full extent of our government statutory law and we will not allow their religious viewpoints to interfere with our government statutory law in the administration of our justice."

Mary was taken to the Bethlehem General Hospital where she is being examined by doctors. Charges may also be filed against her for endangerment. She will also undergo psychiatric evaluation because of her claim that she is a virgin and that the child is from God.

The director of the psychiatric wing said, "I don't profess to have the right to tell people what to believe, but when their beliefs adversely affect the safety and well-being of others - in this case her child - we must consider her a danger to others. The unidentified drugs at the scene didn't help her case, but I'm confidant that with the proper therapy regimen we can get her back on her feet."

A spokesperson for the governor's office said, "Who knows what was going through their heads? But regardless, their treatment of the child was inexcusable, and the involvement of these others frightening. There is much we don't know about this case, but for the sake of the child and the public, you can be assured that we will pursue this matter to the end."

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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."