SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A place for those politically incorrect jokes......
First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does and gets a cookie.
The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.
Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."
The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."
The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Should have been hand grenades instead of rocks.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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USMC Ret
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 281
Loc: NW Ark
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The Little Rascals are in class and the teacher is having a speeling bee for the class.
Okay children, the word of the day is dictate..., Darla, can you spell dictate...
Darla: yes maam..d.i.c.t.a.i.t..dictait..
Teacher: I'm sorry Darla, that is incorrect... Spanky, could you please spell dictate???
Spanky: Yes Maam. D.i.k.t.a.te...diktate...
Teacher: I'm sorry Spanky that is incorrect... Buckwheat, could you please spell dictate???
Buckwheat: Yes Maam, D.I C.T A.T.E "dictate"...
Very good Buchkwheat, the teacher says, now could you please use it in a sentence???
Buckwheat: Yes Maam......Buckwheat thinks for a moment and says...................."Dictate.....................
............Darla say Buckwheats dictate good"
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Old Gooser
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 621
Loc: Snookies home town
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Ok I give up, thank you to everyone who voted for the BMOFO, (GOD save the king)
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BruceCarp
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 802
Loc: central MO
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usmc retired, great joke, How are things in the sand? shot a few of your ft wood ducks this fall! but there were only two! thanks for doing your part again!!
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crappie fisherman & waterfowl hunter
retired Army
But wait a minute I think I have another bite!!!!
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USMC Ret
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 281
Loc: NW Ark
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Bruce,
Doing great here. Got back to Missouri and home on Wednesday and just decompressing and enjoying the quiet life right now. Missed the hunting season, but no plans to go back. I am sure we will run into each other again at some point... and if not, maybe a hunt next year
Good to hear from you
Geoff
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head. In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.
The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Jesse and told him to drink it all. Jesse did and replied, "That tasted like bigolestinkyturd!"
The doctor replied, "It was, Jesse, You were about a quart low".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, are a French guy an American guy, an old Greek lady and a young blonde Swiss girl.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Frenchman has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: The Frenchman must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde thinks: That Frenchman must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
The Frenchman thinks: The American must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The American thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that Frenchman again.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Devious devil wasn't he? 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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During the war, many U.S. Army units with black troops had white officers. One such unit was loading onto a troop train when an older black woman, obviously a mother, approached a white Captain on the station platform.
She said "Excuse me, sir - I'm looking for my son Tyrone Washington".
The Captain replied "Washington. Yes, I think he's one of mine".
"Oh, no sir," she said, "Tyrone is colored".
"I'm white," said the Captain, "But I have black Privates".
"Well," she said, "AIN'T you the special one!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Boudreaux's 21-one-year-old, unmarried daughter tells her parents she thinks she is expecting. Very worried, they go to the drugstore to buy a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, and crying, Boudreaux says, "Who 'dat pig what did you like 'dis? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of Boudreaux's house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with Boudreaux, the mother and the girl and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take responsibility.
"If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, Boudreaux, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "'Den you try agin!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Gun Shop Owner: "Hi, How can I help you?"
Client: "I'm lookin' for a gun."
Owner:"What kind of gun are you lookin' for?"
Client: (pointing at the biggest handgun in the case): "That one looks about right."
Owner: (very surprised): " Why do you need a .44 magnum?"
Client: "It's for shootin' at cans."
Owner: (pointing at a small handgun): "Well, this is the perfect size for shooting at cans."
Client: (pointing again at the .44): "Nah, I need this one."
Owner: "OK, what kind of cans are you shooting at?"
Client: "Mexi-cans.......Puerto Ri-cans........Afri-cans
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading in America, Arkansans and Missourians will no longer be referred to as
"HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to us as OZARK-AMERICANS.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two good ole boys were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the first guy says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two Arabs got on a plane and sat in the middle and window seats on their row. A Marine came and sat in the seat on the isle.
After a few minutes the Marine kicks off his shoes and starts to relax. The Arab next to the window said he needed up to go get a Coke. The Marine said to stay there and he would go get it for him.
While he was gone the Arab next to the window grabed one of the Marines shoes and spit in it.
When the Marine returned with the Coke, the second Arab said that he needed a Coke also. The Marine told him to stay seated and he would be back in a few minutes with his Coke.
After the Marine returned and handed the second Arab his Coke, He decided to put his shoes back on, and suddenly realized what had happened.
The Marine stood up, looked at the two Arabs and stated.....When is all this hatred and animosity going to stop....spitting in shoes, pissing in Cokes!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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MOST HONORABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE
I WATCH HOUSE
HE COME TO HOUSE.
I WATCH.
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE.
I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL.
I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE.
SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE.
SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE.
SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME.
I FALL OFF TREE.
I NOT SEE.
NO FEE,
CHEN LEE.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Boo!!!!! Hiss!!!! Groan!!!
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Zebra
A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, "I have a question that haunted me all of my days on earth...am I, a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes?"
St. Peter said, "That's a question only God can answer."
So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God, please - I must know. Am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?"
God simply replied "You are what you are."
The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, "Well, did God straighten out your query for you?"
The zebra looked puzzled. "No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.'"
St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, that answers it. You are a white horse with black stripes."
The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that?"
"Because," said St. Peter, "If you were a black horse with white stripes, God would have said, "You is what you is."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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CITY OF DETROIT HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
NAME____________________
GANG/CREW NAME______________
Crib _________________
1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting.
How many drive-by shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload?
2. Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram.
What is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3. Rufus pimps 3 ho's.
If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
4. Darius wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit.
How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?
5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4.
If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?
6. LeRoy got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit.
If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang.
What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?
9. LaSheena is a lookout for the gang. LaSheena also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat.
If LaSheena makes $700 week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?
10. Marvin steals Joe's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum.
If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Press Release:Wal-Mart Wines
Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item. Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.
The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $1-3 range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She said: "But the right name is still important."
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart brand.
The top surveyed names in order of popularity are:
10.Chateau de Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Three old black ladies were preparing for their first plane flight.
The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gonna wear me some hot pink panties on dis flight."
"Why you gonna wear dat?" the other two asked.
The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dere laying butt-up in a corn field, dey gonna find me first."
The second lady says, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some fluorescent orange panties."
"Why you gonna wear dat?" the others asked.
The second lady answered: "Cause if dat plane goes down, and I'm floating
butt-up in the ocean, dey can see me first."
The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties at all."
"What? No panties?!" the others said in disbelief.
"Dat's right," says the third lady. "I'm not wearing any panties, cause if dat plane goes down, the first thing they always look for is da black box"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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ScottK
member
.jpg)
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 38
Loc: SW Mo
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What do you call a black man flying an airplane?
A pilot, you racist bastards! 
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities
10. Drink molasses 'til you heave
9. Wet bonnet contest
8. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy
7. Buttermilk keggar
6. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really bitchin' Clydesdale
5. Get a tattoo: "Born to raise barns"
4. Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers
3. Sleep 'til 6 AM
2. Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite donkey
1. Churn butter naked
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Manuel and Pedro worked together and both were laid off, so they
went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Manuel answered,
"Panty stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' cotton panties."
The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as "unskilled
labor", she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Pedro was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied.
Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Pedro $600.
When Manuel found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office
to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel
fitters are skilled labor. "
"What skill?" yelled Manuel. "I sew da elastic on da panties;
Pedro puts dem over his head and says: "Yeah, diesel fitter."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Cheyenne is visiting in San Francisco and wanders into Chinatown where he enters a curio shop. There he sees a little bronze rat. He likes it and on impulse decides to buy it. He asks the old Chinese proprietor how much? The proprietor says: " $5 and $1000 for the story that goes along with it". The Cheyenne says: " Ill skip the story. JUst give me the bronze rat". He gets his bronze rat wrapped up and slips it into his pocket and walks out of the shop.
He is hardly 10 feet down the street when he notices a couple of rats beginning to come along with him. Of course, like anyone, he doesn't like rats but as a country man, he shrugs it off. It's not such a great neighborhood anyway. However as he walks along, rats begin to gather, first by the dozens, then by the hundreds. He becomes fearful and now the rats are in the thousands. He climbs a pole near the bay and fears he may have to swim for it. To reduce any extra weight, he throws the bronze rat into the bay. To his astonishment, all the rats jump into the bay and are drowned.
The Cheyenne returns to the curio shop. The old proprietor smiles and says: " Ah, so now you want to hear the story?".
The Cheyenne says: " No, do you have any bronze white men?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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