SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Texan were discussing lovemaking.
"Last night I made love to my wife three times," boasted the Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.
"What did she say to you this morning?" asked the Italian.
"Don't stop," said the Texan.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SierraExplorer
member
Reged: 01/02/06
Posts: 13
Loc: Kalifornia
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A jewish guy walked into a bar, sat down next to a chinese guy, had two drinks, and punched the chinese guy in the nose.
"What that for?" asked the chinese guy. "That's for bombing Pearl Harbor," said the Jew.
"You idiot," said the chinese guy, "JAPANESE bomb Pearl Harbor - NOT Chinese!"
"Ah," said the jewish guy, "Chinese, japanese, it's all the same.
So the chinese guy finished his drink and punched the jewish guy in the nose. "What was THAT for?" asked the jewish guy.
"That for sinking Titanic," said the chinese guy. "You moron," said the jewish guy, "the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!"
"Ah so," said the chinese guy, "Iceberg, Greenberg, it all same!"
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Don't know how true this is, but just received an email about Hispanic May 1st boycott. According to some survey, retailers had a 4% reduction in sales that day, but noted a 67% reduction in shoplifting.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A plane takes off from South America on its way to the US. Along the way, an engine fails and the pilot informs the crowd that they'll have to drop some weight if they hope to make it.
All of the luggage is emptied from the plane without complaint from the passengers, but the plane still needs to lose weight. The pilot then informs the passengers that people will have to be shed and the only fair way to go about it is in alphabetical order.
The pilot first says, "Are there any African-Americans on board?" No response.
Second, he asks, "Are there any Blacks on board?" Still no response.
Third the pilot asks, "Are there any Coloreds on board?" Again, no response.
Finally, a little black boys asks his dad, "Daddy, why aren't we raising our hands?" The father replies, "Son, we're going after the Mexicans. We're N*ggers today."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Today's Ebonic word from the Louisiana Public School System:
OMELETTE
Let's use it in a sentence...
"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Ole, while not a brilliant man, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over Minnesota were coming to him for paintings.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude.
This was the first time anyone had made this request.
The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $5,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his wife.
In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady,"Ya shure, yoo betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll hev ta leave on my socks so I'll hev a place to vipe my brush."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Ole MUST have been a blonde in disguise. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Texan, a Frenchman and a Canadian are out riding horses.
The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a snort, then another, then suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the bottle in mid air. The Canadian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?! Thas was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!"
The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."
A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Frenchman pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it. The Canadian can't believe this and says, "What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of Champagne!"
The Frenchman says, "In France there's plenty of Chanpagne and bottles are cheap."
So, a while later the Canadian pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun and shoots the Frenchman.
The Texan is shocked and asks, "Why did you do that?"
The Canadian says, "Well in Canada we have plenty of Frenchman, but beer bottles are worth a dime."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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foots
the exterminator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5241
Loc: by my spiritual advisor, Wu
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I was born kicking, screaming, and covered in someone elses blood. I have no problem goin out the same way.
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Hey, you hear the latest Canadian joke?"
The bartender says, "Hey, pal, before you start, you see those two lumberjacks fighting in the corner? You see the big hockey players behind you? You see that hunter next to you at the bar, and the fisherman next to him? You see me? We're all Canadian. You still want to tell your little joke?"
Guy looks around at all these bruisers, who have now started to pay attention to him. "Okay," he says, "I'll tell it slow."
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IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8066
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
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A blonde joke turned into a "Canadian" joke! That is a first Miss B!
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Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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Actually, more like a big, dumb, hunter, fisherman, lumberjack joke. 
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DjF
little buddie
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 5410
Loc: staring at an empty mailbox...
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I don't get it!!!!
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somewhere between "Hi, how can we help you?" and "Get off my lawn!"
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I'll ask Miss Bud to type slower for you.... 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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LATEST POLLING IN TEXAS SHOWS:
? Forty-three percent of all TEXANS say that illegal immigration is a serious problem.
? The other 57 percent said, "No hablo ingl?s"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Saul Dumbrowski's Chinese Laundry."
"Saul Dumbrowski?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here? "
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Saul Dumbrowski's Chinese Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man. "Me the owner."
"You? How did you ever get a name like Saul Dumbrowski?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Saul Dumbrowski.'
Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sem Ting.'"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An Italian-American family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home.
All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful!! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says Grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you."
"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," Grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here -- he's 85-years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'.
"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!!
"Also a Federal Judge, retired for over 30 years, is still addressed as 'Your Honor'.
"And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me 'the forking Italian?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Q- Where did the Jewish boy with Attention Deficit Disorder spend his summer?
A- Concentration Camp.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown New Orleans sat a huge black man. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big black man. Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the massive black man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the chit out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him al the way out of the bar, before leaving him >bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black man and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"
"Not sure," the black man replied. "Something about a job."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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There will only be 49 contestants in the Miss Black America Contest this year because no one wants to wear the banner that says, IDAHO
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers......
10) YOU HAVE TO SIT UPRIGHT WHILE DRIVING.
09) THE PISTOL WON'T STAY UNDER FRONT SEAT.
08) ENGINES DROWN OUT THE RAP MUSIC.
07) THE PIT CREW CAN'T WORK ON THE CAR WHILE HOLDING UP PANTS AT THE SAME TIME.
06) THEY KEEP TRYING TO CARJACK DALE, JR.
05) POLICE CARS ON TRACK INTERFERE WITH RACE.
04) NO PASSENGER SEAT FOR THE HO.
03) THERE ARE NO SPONSORS FOR CADILLAC.
02) CAN'T WEAR HELMET SIDEWAYS.
AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR:
01) WHEN THEY CRASH THEIR CAR THEY BAIL OUT AND RUN
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Ahmed came to the United States from Iraq. He was here only a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor.
The doctor said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Ahmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked!! I feel terrific!!? What was wrong with me?"
The doctor said, "You were homesick."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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My mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not; to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc.
Since I have become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc. I have elected to solve the problems as they affect me. It solves both my gas and illegal immigrant problems.
I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful and cheaper than buying gas. Then I pay them in pesos so they have to go home to spend it.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Sounds like a plan to me. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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