SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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What's a brick an a fat white chick got in common?
Eventually there both going to get laid by a Mexican.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Boudreaux staggered home very late after another Evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs Bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?"
Boudreaux said, "Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?"
"Well," Clotile said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the Broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood Trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly......
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and then he hit the window of a passing car going 80 miles per hour.
I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and sure enough the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says, "You deserted us. You are not my son!"
"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"
"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts, "at this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to New Orleans!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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|
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed!
"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"
"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business..you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos." "Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then.......pointa to you watch and say "Times up"?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: Who Is Mah Childens Daddys
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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What do you call an Arkansas couple with a gifted child?
Kidnappers.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: Mendoza's Drive By Shooting School
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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What goes "Fee-fi-fo, fee-fi-fo-fee"?
Mike Tyson giving someone his phone number.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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It's the nineteen twenties and a veteran of the Red Army is standing in line for bread in Leningrad in a blizzard. After several hours a political komissar comes out of the building to announce that there isn't enough bread for everyone and "All Jews must leave the queue".
Several more hours pass and again the political komissar comes out of the building to announce that there is even less bread than they originally thought and "Only Russians may remain in the queu" so all the Kazaks and Georgians, etc leave.
Finally, late into the night, the komissar comes out to say, "There is limited bread and only veterans of the Red Army may remain in the line."
Our patriotic hero is still in line with about twenty others when the Komissar comes out to announce that "In fact there is no bread at all."
At the news the veteran couldn't help but remark, "It seems that even after the Revolution the Jews are still getting preferential treatment."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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-What is the difference between a Jew and a canoe?......
......the canoe will tip
-What is a "Jewish moral dilemma"?......
......a free ham
What's the difference between a Jewish woman and a bowl of Jello?
The Jello wiggles when you eat it
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: The Niggar Family
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Test
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were
sitting by the side of the ocean.
It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do
Weeweechu."
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the
perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry
Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Boudreaux had absolutely the ugliest wife in the world and one morning he woke up and decided that he had to do something with her as she was just too ugly to even look at anymore.
She was so ugly when she was born that her mama breast fed her through a straw. When she got old enough to eat solid food, they would prop her up in a corner and feed her with a sling-shot, and the older she got, the uglier she got. So, he decided to take her to a plastic surgeon.
The doctor looked at her for a long time and Boudreaux asked the doctor, "You think you can do something for her?"
The doctor said, "Yes I think I can, I think I will start with her nose."
Boudreaux said,"What you gonna do doc, break it and reduce the size of it, and cut them warts off the top and side of her nose?"
The doctor said, "No, I think I'm gonna start off by putting it right there between her eyes."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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When Boudreaux was in high school someone told the football coach that Boudreaux was the fastest thing on two legs.
The coach looked Boudreaux up and wanted to time him in the 100 yard dash. He asked Boudreaux if he could run fast and Boudreaux said, "Well I think i can run pretty good."
So the coach told him to run to the other end of the field and they would record his time. Boudreaux took off and ran the 100 in 9 seconds flat. Man the coach couldn't believe how fast that kid could run.
Then the coach asked Boudreaux if he thought he could tackle. Boudreaux said. "well I never tried but I think I can. What do you want me to tackle?" The coach told him to tackle the light pole. So Boudreaux takes off running toward the pole and hit that pole with all he had and splintered the pole and broke the pole off even with the ground.
Man the coach went nuts with excitement and asked Boudreaux if he thought he could pass a football. Boudreaux said, "Well I never tried, but if I can swallow it, I think I can pass it."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Redneck Pickup Lines
1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Billy Bob walked into the local bar and noticed his friend, Bubba, sitting their looking distraught and obviously trying to drink his troubles away. When asked what the problem was, Bubba replied, "I just found out I slept with my third cousin."
Well Billy Bob, trying to console his friend, said "Maybe you should stop counting."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A little black boy caught a frog. He said, "froggy, this mah lucky day, ah'm gonna pull your legs off and have them for supper."
Then he said, " Froggy, this mah lucky day, ah'm gonna poke your eyes out and have me a nice froggy eye salad."
A white police officer pulled up, and since this is from a while ago, the cop said "boy, anything you do to that frog, I will do to you.
So the little boy said to the frog "Froggy, this your lucky day, cuz ah'm gonna kiss your a$$!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line, just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated....
He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two Texas bubbas were discussing their respective predicaments.
Jim Bob turned to Wayne and said, "You know, I'm tired of goin' through life without any education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes." Wayne agrees it's a good idea, and the two leave.
Next day, Jim Bob meets with the Dean of Admissions who enrolls him in four basic courses: Math, English, History and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim asks. "What's that?"
The Dean answers, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"Yeah." replies Jim.
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I surmise that you have a yard."
"That's true! I do have a yard." says Jim.
"I'm not done." the Dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house!"
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"Yes, I have a family!"
"I'm still not done. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"Yes, I'm heterosexual. That's amazing! You were able to find out all of this because I have a weed eater!"
Excited to take the classes now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet his buddy Wayne. He tells Wayne about his classes, how he has signed up for Math, English, History and Logic.
"Logic?" Wayne asks, "What's that?"
Jim Bob says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"
"Shore don't." answers Wayne.
"Then you're a queer!" says Jim.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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|
Need a racial slur for that special someone?
Racial slur Database
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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