SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientist dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read:
"English archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots."
One week later, Texas newspapers reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 5000 meters in West Texas, Texas A&M scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have therefore concluded that 5000 years ago Texas inhabitants were already using wireless technology."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Ya gotta love British humour(notice the 'u')! John Cleese's light-hearted look at the USA today gives us a rueful smile.
John Cleese's Letter to America
To citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President or to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states and commonwealths as from Monday next.
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will >be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is unacceptable and an inefficient form of communication.
5.There is no such thing as "U.S. English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2 nd will be a new national holiday, but celebrated only in England . It will >be called "Come-Uppance Day."
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. If you're unable to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. This is for your own good. When you get your German car, you will understand what we mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried, and dressed with vinegar.
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
15. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that should clear up any risk of further confusion.
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys; also it will be a requirement to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you will now call it "soccer". Those brave enough will be allowed to play rugby (which has similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
Cheers
John Cleese
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two Jewish men, Sid and Al were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"
Al replied, "I don't know. Let's ask our waiter." When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter said, "I don't know, Se?or, I'll go ask the cook." He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, "No, sir, no Mexican Jews."
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos," gave the expected answer. "I will check again Se?or," and went back to the kitchen.
While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returned and said, "Se?or, the head cook says, No Mexican Jews!"
"Are you certain? ", Al asked once again, "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Se?or, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter, "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Pillsbury has announce that it will be replacing the Pillsbury Dough Boy with a new advertising campain.
"In the interest of diversity and inclusiveness we will be looking for a spokesperson to star in our "Pillsbury Dough Girl" promotion," said the Pillsbury spokesman, "A down to earth, bread and butter type that reflects the real coustomer in our metro distribution areas will speak for our products."
Outsiders speculate that market losses in suburban areas may be behind the change in demographic focus. As one analisist remarked,"Those cracker white bread eating Ho's get their bread from a counter appliance."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: Niggas
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.
"Yes," replied the Chinese man, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too."
The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old."
The Chinese man was incredulous, "That's impossible, he replied. Where did your people eat for a thousand years?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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So one guy says to another guy, "Mandelbaum and Rosenstern were talking one day..."
Right away, his friend interrupts him, "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once!"
So he starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah..."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An IRS inspector walks into a synagogue and asks to see the rabbi.
He is shown into the rabbi's office and is offered a seat.
"Rabbi, I believe a member of your synagogue, Mr. Klutz, states on his tax return that he has donated $100,000 to the synagogue. Tell me, Rabbi, is this correct?"
The Rabbi answers, "Yes, he will."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican.
Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community.
If the Jew won, the Jews could stay.
If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community.
The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate? The day of the great debate came.
Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.
Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.
Moishe pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.
Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us.
He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us.
I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins.
He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving.
Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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One day a skunk and her baby were crossing a road. The mother was struck and killed by a car. The baby skunk layed down in the ditch and cried.
A little duckling came along and saw the baby skunk crying. He asked him what was the matter.
The baby skunk explained his mother got squashed in the road and she died before she ever even told him what he was. He continued crying.
The little duckling reassured him this was simple for he had little orange feet and a puffy yellow tail and quacked therefore he was a duckling.
he said "Hmmm lets see. You aint all white and you aint all black you stink and your momma is dead?"
"You must be one of OJ's kids"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Just so I can find it...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie,
"The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this.
We just got 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and if you will come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today"
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job.
"The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use you your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."
Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter, he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right. "The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left. "
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.
But his luck didn't end there His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse!, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?"
The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week"
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop.
Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please"
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well, the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the fairway."
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. And then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, and the other two robbed the pro shop."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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foots
the exterminator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5241
Loc: by my spiritual advisor, Wu
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I was born kicking, screaming, and covered in someone elses blood. I have no problem goin out the same way.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Hello,
My name be Eboneesha,an African-American girl who just got an award For being the best speler in class.
The white dude who sit next to me is McGee. He got a 94% on the test but no extra points on account of he have the same Skin color as the opressirs of 150 years ago.
I got 67% on the speling test and 30 points for being black, 5 points for not bringing drugs into class, 5 points for not bringing guns into? class, and 5 points for not getting Pregnut during the cemester.
It hard to beat a score of 120%.
Granny ax me to thank all Liberals for suporting afermative action. You showing the way to true equality. I be gittin in medical skool nex an mabe I be yo doctor.
Yo fren, Eboneesha
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the internet onto the front of my shirt.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.
It also works well if you ever have to use a Laundromat.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Ali and Mohamed are panhandling on the Toronto subway.
Ali drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Mohamed only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Mohamed asks Ali how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10.00 bills every day.
Ali says "look at your sign. It say : I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support".
Mohamed looks at Ali's sign.
It reads " I only need another $10.00 to move back to my country".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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foots
the exterminator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5241
Loc: by my spiritual advisor, Wu
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--------------------
I was born kicking, screaming, and covered in someone elses blood. I have no problem goin out the same way.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The case involved a 73-year-old black man being in the court to answer the complaint by a 19-year-old black female seeking child support.
Attorney: Your honor my client has raised this child by herself with no help from the defendant in the 5 years this child has been on this earth.
Judge: Five-years. How old are you young lady?
Girl: 19 sir
Judge: Well then are you telling me you were 14 when you had this child.
Girl: Yes sir.
Judge: Willie (Defendant) do you know that you have committed a felony crime punishable by up to 25 years in Prison. You have committed statutory rape.
Defendant: I ain't raped that girl Judge. She wanted to. Asked her, she wants to right now.
Judge: Willie it makes no difference, she was only 13 years old when you laid with this child. THAT IS STATUTORY RAPE. I am now gonna have to bind this over to the Grand Jury and inform the District Attorney.
Defendant: No, your honor!! When did you white folks come up with that law?
Judge: It has been a law for quite some time.
Defendant: Well, Judge ya'll needs to tell us nigga's bout these new laws. I been f*cking under the old rules.
True transcript from Hinds County Chancery Court. Hon. Charles A. Brewer presiding
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I rear ended a car the other day.
The driver got out and he was a dwarf.
He was really pissed, and looked up at me and said, "I'm not happy."
I said, "So... Which one are you?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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After days in the wilderness Coleen and Maireed stumble into a bar in the Wild West and ask for two beers. Unfortunately they've got no money and the barman won't give them credit!
Just then a bloke walks in with a Red Indian's head under his arm. The barman shakes his head and says, 'I hate Indians. Last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, raped my wife and killed my children. If any man brings me the head of a Red Indian, I will give them, 100,000.'
The two Irish girls look at each other and then go off to find a Red Indian.
Later that day they see one, and Maireed throws a stone which hits the Red Indian on the head. The Indian falls off his horse but lands 70ft down a ravine. Coleen and Maireed dash down into the ravine where Coleen starts sawing the Indian's head off.
Suddenly Maireed says 'Coleen look at this...'
Coleen says 'In a minute.'
'No, look at this ...' says Maireed.
'No, can't you see I'm fookin busy.....'
Maireed grabs hold of her and Coleen looks up and sees 10,000 Indians standing at the top of the ravine.
'Fook me' says Coleen. 'We're gonna be millionaires.'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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