SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two Mexicans are riding along Pacific Coast Highway on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a ride. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help so the Mexicans ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the truck since he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls
The Mexicans ask the driver if he will he take them if they can manage to
fit in the back with their bike, so he agrees. They manage to squeeze
themselves and their motorbike into the back of the truck, so the driver
shuts the doors and goes on his way. By this time he is running late so
he puts his foot down.
Sure enough the Highway Patrol pulls him over for speeding. The officer
asks the driver what he is carrying, to which he replies "Mexican eggs"
The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so he asks to take a look.
He opens the back door and quickly shuts and locks it. He gets on his
radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
"I've got a trucker carrying 20,000 Mexican eggs - 2 have hatched and the b*stards have already managed to steal a motorbike ".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Banned Cartoons- Scrub Me Mama with a Boogie Beat
Scrub Me Mama with a Boogie Beat
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Banned Cartoon -1943?s ?Coal Black and de Sebben Dwarfs
Coal Black and de Sebben Dwarfs
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Real news story...
Twelve hundred troops from Poland were deployed to Afghanistan in June as part of a NATO buildup to patrol the Pakistan border, searching for Taliban forces, but Polish commanders admitted that they would not be combat-ready for several weeks because the keys to all their Humvees had been stolen. One commander said spare keys had been ordered. [Reuters, 6-7-07]
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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How many negros does it take to pave a basketball court ????
Depends on how thin you slice 'em!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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DMac
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 2086
Loc: looking for my Swingline stapl...
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Nice pic......but take the word of someone who spent some time there
They ain't that well dressed, and they don't weigh that much 
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Police say alcohol may have been involved in this incident
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Those two guys are the elite storm troopers.
They get a better grade of alfalfa in their diet.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.
On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Sven just managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, your Father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January; you were born in July."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A young Jewish Mom walks her son to the school bus corner onhis first day of kindergarten.
"Behave, my bubaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself and think about your Mother, tataleh!"
"And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh." "Mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!"
At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son on and hugs him.
"So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?"
The boy answers, "I've learned that my name is David."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are walking down the street one day discussing Godly things and peeking into the windows of the houses and making side bets on what religeon the owners where.
They come upon a townhouse that is right up against the side walk with a huge picture window. As they peer in, they see a woman bent over the couch and her husband pounding away with great energy to her most obviouse delight.
The 3 men of God are taken aback for a momment by the display of passion presented, then the priest looks in more closely and announces, "no cross over the door, their not Catholic".
The minister looks in and says, "no bible on the table, they are not Protestant.
The rabbi looks in, sighs heavily and says, "oi veh, vall-to-vall carpeting..."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Bubba goes to a revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.
Bubba gets in line and when it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what do you want me to pray about?"
Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while. After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"
Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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A priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief: "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says: "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts: "Rock."
The Priest is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds: "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied: "My bike."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Wonder what gear the poor fellow had it in at the time of his demise? Surely, it wasn't a single speed bike.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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That's not funny Mel. I could have just been an old bike. 
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Well, are you? I've been told it's not the age but the mileage that counts. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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I am 50, my dear, but the odometer doesn't need spinning yet.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The North has Bloomingdale's, The South has Dollar General.
The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names, The South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.
North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.
The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters, The South has crawfish.
The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt.
FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . . In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don 't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don 't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive
Get used t o hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
Don 't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS". With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in with the growing trend!!!
Now, here goes...
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service:
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
G: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: ".....What??"
RS: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry... scrambled, please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I... don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No, just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?!?"
G: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy.. rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjooberrymuds."
G: "You're welcome."
Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" Is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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