SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Quasimodo's Replacement
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided to conduct the interviews personally and went up to the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants he decided to call it a day when an armless man approached him and said he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man. "Observe!"
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
"Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to audition him, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief of this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is the man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name,"sighed the distraught bishop, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Bwaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! You should have made the guy an "Old" bell ringer. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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After the tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"
"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what Y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Tennessee we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Just imaging if he had been wanting "ass" tea. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Q: What do you get when you cross-breed an elephant with a rhino?
A: Elephino.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A cowboy is captured by Indians. Ordinarily they would have lifted his scalp right then and there. However it is the occasion of a great tribal celebration so the Chief tells the cowboy he can have three wishes.
The cowboy says: " I wanna talk to my horse". His horse is led over and the cowboy whispers in his ear. The horse dashes away in a full gallop. he returns after several hours with a gorgeous naked woman on his back.
The Indian chief is impressed and gives the cowboy a teepee for the night.
Next morning, the cowboy comes out, tucking in his shirt. The Chief asks what his second wish is. The cowboy says: " I wanna talk to my horse". The horse is led over. The cowboy whispers in the horse's ear. the horse gallops away and comes back in a few hours with an even more gorgeous naked woman on his back.
To the astonishment of the Indians, the cowboy shouts at the horse in anger. He curses the horse in a steady stream of curses.
Finally the cowboy cools off a bit. He seizes the horse's ear and shouts: " Now LISTEN, you dumb nag! I said POSSE,POSSE!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two dour Scots are in a boat fishing. Suddenly Angus's rod bends double and he begins an epoch stuggle to land his catch.
After ten minutes he reels in a beutiful mermaid. He gently lifts her into the boat and gazes down in wonder at this lovely half woman and half fish.
Then he scowls and throws her back in.
"Why?" asks his fishing companion.
"How?" he answers.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Like the ole indian said, "Me know how............wanna know when". 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with a misdewiener!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Ugh! Boo! Hiss!  
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Maybe, a bridge truss would help. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A fish goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.
Patti looks at the fish in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The fish says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the fish says that his name is Rainbow Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The fish says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain fly rod and reel, about an inch long; detailed and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a fish named Rainbow Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny rod & reel. "I mean, what the heck is this??"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack. Give the fish a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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What Not To Name Your Dog
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Spot" I made the mistake of calling mine "Sex".
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too!" Then I said, "But this is for a dog." He said, "I don't care what she looks like." Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said, "You must have been quite a kid."
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. Not wanting the dog to bother us, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a dog show, before the competition began, Another contestant asked me what I was doing. I told him that I planned to have Sex in the show. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. When I asked if the show was televised he called me a pervert.
I left my dog at the Veterinarian. When I went to pick him up I said, "I've come for my dog." She said, "Which one, Spot or Rover?" I said, "What about Sex?" She slapped me. After I straightened out the misunderstanding, I asked if Sex was good for her. She slapped me again.
Sex ran away, I went to the dog pound. As I was looking in all the cages the operator up to me. I said I'm looking for Sex. He said I was looking in all the wrong places.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." He said, "What's your point, so did I." I said, "But my wife wants to take Sex away." He said, "That's what happens in a divorce."
Last night Sex ran off. I spent hours looking for him all over town. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said I was looking for Sex.
My case comes up Friday.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of bullets at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Some of these are really a stretch.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The owner of a male parrot discovers that the reason the bird is slowly losing interest in life is because he needs a female parrot.
The owner brings the male parrot to a pet shop and points out a $25 female parrot. The male parrot yawns. Next the parrot is shown a $50 female parrot. The male parrot acts bored.
Finally, the owner decides to splurge and so the male parrot is shown a $200 female parrot. The male parrot brightens up and the owner buys the female parrot.
Bringing the two birds home in his car the owner glances in his rear view mirror - and sees the male parrot pulling off the female's feathers.
He slams on the brakes and turns around and hollers: " What are you doing?"
The male parrot says: " For two hundred bucks, I want her naked!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An attractive blonde (is there any other kind?) takes a vacation cruise aboard a passenger feighter. There isn't all that much to do aboard ship so she walks a lot.
Every time she passes the Captain's cabin, a parrot peers out at her and squawks: " How's yer ass? How's yer ass?"
This is annoying to the blonde, particularly when it goes on day after day.
One day the ship hits a reef and the blonde and the parrot find themselves sharing a piece of floating wreckage.
The parrot says: " How's yer ass?"
The blonde in disgust, snaps: "Shut up!"
The parrot says: " Me too - Must be the salt water"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Did you hear about the blonde who thought Jesus was a giant teddy bear called Gladly who had something wrong with his eyes, because everytime she went to church they would sing "Gladly the cross I'd bear"!!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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What did I EVER do to justify bearing these atrocious slings and arrows?
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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You were at the wrong place at the wrong time.
 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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These three Legionnaires are walking through the desert under a baking sun. They're fully equipped with enough water for days and food aplenty.
On the shimmering horizon, mirages come and go and come again. They see visions of swimming pools attended by dusky maidens and stalls full of ice creams and sorbets of every conceivable flavour. But the Legionnaires do not crack. Instead they keep marching solidly on.
Suddenly one of them freezes. "Psssst," he says. His companions halt and strain their eyes to where the first Legionnaire is pointing.
"Le voila," he says, "Regardez, mes amis, isn't zat a bacon tree on ze 'orizon?"
And sure enough, there it is, proud and defiant in the middle of the desert, a true bacon tree. Slowly they creep forward towards the far off mystery object. Inch by inch, centimetre by centimetre, until they are within a stone's throw of the bacon tree. Ever nearer they creep, until suddenly a shot rings out, dropping one of the Legionnaires in his tracks. The other Legionnaires hit the ground as bullets thud into the sand around them.
The other two return fire and give first aid to their wounded companion. Even as they bandage him and pour water over his face they can hear his faint voice. "Zat was no bacon tree," he gasps, "Zat was an 'am bush."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Did you hear that Rene Descartes disappeared?
It seems he strolled into a bar and the bartender asked, "Hey, Descartes, do you want a marguerita?"
To which he replied, "I think not."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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You sure that wasn't Rodin, and not Rene? Though Rene was a cartographer. Funny, anyway.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I couldn't find anything on Rodin Descartes.
//////////////////////////////////
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.
Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.
Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still not good.
Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." No way.
"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope.
"Nuts and Butts?" Uh-uh.
"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends." The town council loved it, and finally everybody was happy.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Rodin sculpted "The Thinker", I'm thnking.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I don't think Descartes was his last name.
//////////////////////////////////////
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
You're gonna LOVE me for this....
The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go ''Wee,wee, wee, all the way home!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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His name was Auguste Rodin. A sculptor in the late 1800s.
Rene Descartes was a cartographer.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Map making isn't mention in any of the bios I've seen.
Ren? Descartes
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
Map making isn't mention in any of the bios I've seen.
Ren? Descartes
Made you look, did I? Score one for you. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Three Indian squaws were due on the same day. The wise old medicine man put the first squaw on a deer hide, the second one on a bear hide, and the third one on a hippopotomus hide (don?t ask).
The first one had a boy, the second one had a boy, and the third one had twin boys.
The moral of the story? The squaw of the hippopotomus is equal to the sons of the other two hides.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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If you spin a China-man in circles, does he become dis-oriented?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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I still think we need that old "Groaner" thread.!!! 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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If Rene Descartes (17th Century philosopher, the "I think, therefore I am" guy) also made maps - then I guess that's where the term cart-ographer comes from, huh?
You guys oughta stick to the more profound philosophical sayings, such as:
Confucius say, "Woman who fly plane upside down soon have crack-up".
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Ozark,
Swamp Fox debunked my myth about the cartographer part. Look up a few posts.
Mel
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Test
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Mushroom walks into a bar.
Bartender says "we don't serve your kind around here." Mushroom says "why not. I'm a fungi."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8066
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
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Man who go through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
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Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8066
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
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A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"
But the blonde keeps on screaming, "NO! I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you have to be mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a
prize."
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"
And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
"W I N A B A G E L"
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Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...
The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't looking.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I went to the US Patent Office yesterday trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle." She said, "Okay, what do you call it?" "
A Fottle", I replied.
"What else do you have?" " A folding carton." " And what do you call it?"
A Farton." I replied.
She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without telling her about my folding bucket.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The friars found themselves behind in belfry payments so they decided to raise funds. Since many of them were quite good gardeners, they began raising flowers and selling them in a little shop they opened. Since the locals liked buying flowers from men of God, the business prospered.
It prospered too well for the liking of the florist in town. He begged them to shut down because his business was being ruined. The friars refused. Repeated requests were ignored.
Finally, in desperation, the florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, a known vicious thug to do something.
The friars were terrified at hearing that Hugh MacTaggart had been hired because he was known to be a godless man who would stop at nothing.
The friars immediately shut down their florist business.
The moral is - Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I'll keep my eyes open for a worse one. 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.
"What are you doing in there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?".
The lady replied "Yes."
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."
Good golly, I remember that awful joke from one of the first TV shows I ever watched. Milton Berle, 1952.
And I've been trying to forget it for 54 years.
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Dang, Ozark!!! You gots to be as old as me. Bwaaaahahahahahahahahahaa!!!!!
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Quote:
Ozark said:
Quote:
SwampFox said:
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."
Good golly, I remember that awful joke from one of the first TV shows I ever watched. Milton Berle, 1952.
And I've been trying to forget it for 54 years.
When you check the "Just For Mel" thread you takes your chances. 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Quote:
Mel said:
Dang, Ozark!!! You gots to be as old as me. Bwaaaahahahahahahahahahaa!!!!!
Yeah, I remember that rabbit joke because I thought it was funny - when I was SIX. I probably told it to all my little friends.
Milton Berle - I think there was something kinda queer about that guy. He always managed to take his britches off sometime during the show. Hmmmmm.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Bubba was extremely proud that he was going to be an uncle for the first time and even better his sister was giving birth to twins.
The only bad news in the whole situation was that his Brother-in-Law was out of town when unexpectedly his sister went into labor.
Being the man that he is Bubba volunteered to help his sister in her hour of need.
After a long and ardous 20 hour labor she gave birth to a beautiful set of twins one boy and one girl.
While she was recovering after the birth she told the nurse that if she had any questions she should ask Bubba and let her rest.
While the hospital staff was getting all their paperwork filled in they noticed that the form for the birth certificates was incomplete they children had no names.
When they asked Bubba about it he replied "Oh I know that to call them."
We'll name the girl Denise and the boy Denephew.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Sounds just like Bubba!
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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JAMES(age 4) was listening to a Bible story.
His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt ."
Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Which item in this set of four does not belong?
A. Crayfish
B. Chinese schoolboy under a boulder
C. Lobster
D. Salmon
The correct answer is D.
A salmon is a fish.
The other three items are crustaceans.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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You must have meant that last one for Fowlmouth. He goes in for those oriental types.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
"I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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SF,
Surely, you can do better than this! 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Did you hear that Rene Descartes disappeared?
Wait a minute, we already did that one..... 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Wasn't going to draw another map? Er............wait a minute, it was another mathematical formula he was working on when he vanished. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
I repeated the gestures."Eye - Kneed - The Rake" My wife replied that she understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"
She replies, "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush" !!!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Mozart Beyond the Grave
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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OMG!!!! 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psychopath.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroid's.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Why are there so many Johnson's in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with .. the other is used to carry groceries.
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck.
The bartender says, "All right, I'll let ya stay---but don't start nuthin."
Charlie Manson is sitting before the parole board. He says, "Is it hot in here or am I crazy?"
Did you hear about the Amish woman who wanted a divorce?
Her husband was driving her buggy.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter. He won't come anyway.
What's the different between a Jehovah's Witness and a Yugo?
You can slam the door on a Jehovah's Witness.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8066
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
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What do you call a dog with no back legs and steel balls?
Sparky
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Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Running Doe A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam.
After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however."
"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
" Well, you have no nipples."
"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.
"That is Amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don't mind.
She said, "OK."
"First of All" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.
Running Doe Replied, "We're called "The Indiannippleless Five Hundred "
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, "the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Do you sometimes get the sudden urge to run around naked?
Drink some Windex.
It will keep you from streaking.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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. That was Reallllyyyy Baaaddddd.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Glad you approve.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blown apart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8066
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
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A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe."
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Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
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IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8066
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
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A bear walks into a bar an says to the bar tender, "I would like a bourbon and...... a coke." The bar tender says "What's up with the big pause?" The bear said "I've had them all my life"
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Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Do you know how to build a bear trap?
You dig a big hole and fill it with ashes then put peas around the edge of the hole.
When a bear walks up to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Did you hear about the gay midget that walked into the bar and kissed everybody in the joint ?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Do you know what Pinon Nuts are?
If I give you 2 and I take 1 do you know what we have?
A difference of a Pinon.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.
He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on to someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads it.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it.
All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus never made any friends.
One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.
After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant Monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.
The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a golden screwdriver. In just moments , the screw-driver removed the screw and disappeared out of the window.
The next morning when the boy woke, he saw the golden screw lying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!
Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, but in seconds, his butt fell off.
The moral to this is "don't screw around with things you don't understand or you'll lose your ass".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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HELGA NEEDS A BEER
It was a hot day in Minnesota.
Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hotter Dan hell today," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street.
She passed a tavern and thought , "Vy nodt?"
So she walked in and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."
"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.
Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price.
And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.
And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to horse flesh.
And, before very long, there were many others and They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, (or as it came to be known "eBay" ) he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it all began.
It wasn't Al Gore after all.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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It had been a horrible week for Henry.
An entomologist (insect scientist) at the local university, he was up for a promotion this year. With the promotion would come tenure. But there was a problem. It was not that he couldn't teach. His Biology 210 classes were always packed, and two years ago he was honored by the undergraduates by being named their favorite teacher.
No, his problem was with his research. He hadn't had a successful research project in several years. The last paper that he'd published was three years ago. In an age of "Publish or Perish," this was not a good situation, particularly for a non-tenured professor.
The week started with a shock. He received notice that his research grants would not be renewed for the coming year. And, if that was not enough, the dean called him into his office to tell him his contract would not be renewed unless he had a paper accepted for publication by a major entomology journal before the end of the school year.
Depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning lecture was over so that he could work in his garden. In the past, this had always had been effective in relieving tension. But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were dying. On closer examination found they were infested with a parasite.
But what were these insects? They appeared to belong to the order Anapleura. That was strange. Anapleura infected mammals, not plants.
He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a species of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before.
He gathered up several specimens and rushed to his lab, full of new vigor. He examined the insects in detail and rapidly wrote an article describing this new species of insect.
Well, I'm sure you know the result. The article was immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology. His job was saved and he received his most coveted tenure. And, he received a new major grant to study this new species.
You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"It's a good thing I had a bag of marijuana instead of a bag of spinach. I'd be dead by now."
-- Willie Nelson, on being busted for pot.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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When I lived in Belgium, there was a special fruit similar to a honeydew that grew in the Ardennes. They trained dogs to sniff the forest floor to find it.
The uncle of the family was training a Lassie pup for the job.
I'll never forget how he would call her back from the woods, loosely translated from the Flemish:
"Come to me, my melon collie baby."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Thanks Swamp Fox.
I really love that joke and I will share it with all of my friends.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
Edited by SwampFox (10/03/06 02:56 PM)
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Hey Swamp Fox,
That may be the best one yet.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
Edited by SwampFox (10/08/06 10:38 AM)
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker, circa 1940
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IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8066
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
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That has got to be the punch line to a good joke...
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Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man went to his boss's costume party with nothing on but a young naked woman on his back.
"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the boss asked.
"I'm a snail." The man replied.
"What a load of crap!" his boss spat. "What's that girl on your back?"
"That's Michelle!" the man replied.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank. Proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Ya, dis is gut
Two Wisconsinites walk into a pet shop near Rhinelander. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere." says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Lake Winnebago.
At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."
VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!
Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says.
He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."
BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE , you betcha!!
Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Knute parrotshooting ... and now Lars, hengliding."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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DjF
little buddie
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 5410
Loc: staring at an empty mailbox...
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Groaners
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins!
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
10. And finally, There was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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somewhere between "Hi, how can we help you?" and "Get off my lawn!"
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Yer right............GROOOOOOOONNNNNNNN!!!!!
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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DjF
little buddie
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 5410
Loc: staring at an empty mailbox...
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well yea...thats why it is in the "Just for Mel" thread...
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somewhere between "Hi, how can we help you?" and "Get off my lawn!"
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Quote:
DjF said:
well yea...thats why it is in the "Just for Mel" thread...
You obviously have been conditioned over time to accept less than the really good things in life. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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DjF
little buddie
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 5410
Loc: staring at an empty mailbox...
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Quote:
Mel said:
Quote:
DjF said:
well yea...thats why it is in the "Just for Mel" thread...
You obviously have been conditioned over time to accept less than the really good things in life.
umm, Mel...there are 7 pages of groaners posted hera...if you think those are the really good things in life, we need to move you to a bigger double wide!!!
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somewhere between "Hi, how can we help you?" and "Get off my lawn!"
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Quote:
DjF said:
Quote:
Mel said:
Quote:
DjF said:
well yea...thats why it is in the "Just for Mel" thread...
You obviously have been conditioned over time to accept less than the really good things in life.
umm, Mel...there are 7 pages of groaners posted hera...if you think those are the really good things in life, we need to move you to a bigger double wide!!!
Zing!!! It went right over your head. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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DjF
little buddie
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 5410
Loc: staring at an empty mailbox...
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nah I saw it coming, I just ducked!!!
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somewhere between "Hi, how can we help you?" and "Get off my lawn!"
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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There was a bar man who owned a duck who danced on a tin box.
He sold it to another bar man who phoned him later asking how to make him stop.
He replied "Open the tin and blow out the candles!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem that more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, shingles. The doctor asked, "Where?"
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them??"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A GOOD PUN HAS ITS OWN RE-WORD
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
A backwards poet writes inverse.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine .
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says,"Liver alone. Cheese mine."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man was sentenced to prison, where the warden assigned him to learn carpentry. The man became the best carpenter in the prison. When the warden remodeled his kitchen, he asked the man to fit a new countertop. The man refused. When the warden asked why, he said, "I'd like to do it, but ...
it was counterfeiting that got me into prison."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Test 222
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Arthur Bernard Theopolis Workman grew tired of his pissy lil job as a lawyer out of Canada.
He had just watched a movie about a hitman and decided that was a job for him.Fast cars,faster wimmen,champainge(sp) and the French Riviera.
He didn't know where to begin his new job.He decided to go see The Godfather.He knew they used hitmen all the time.
He inquired at The Godfathers house if he could see The Godfather.The giant goon that answered the door was just about to throw Arthur into oncoming traffic,but as luck would have it,The Dom himself overheard the lil pissants request for an audience.He told the goon to let the guy in.
Arthur followed The Dom and the goon out to the veranda.
He was offered a seat across the table from The Godfather himself.
Arthur went on to tell these people about his new career adventure.
The laughter was thunderous.
After The Dom and the others dried their eyes and regained their composure,The Dom said he might have some 'Work' for Arthur.
It seems a 'eyewitness was going to testify against The Dom in court.The Dom couldn't let this happen.He gave Arthur a dosseir with the witnesses where abouts and pictures.
Arthur was delighted and wanted to know if The Mob would supply him with a firearm?The only time Arthur used a gun was to take a bear out of season.
The Godfather said that Arthur would have to pull this off by himself since all the new gun control measures were keeping the guns out of the bad guys hands.
Also,the name Arthur didn't sound hitman enough.And since Arthur had to do this deed with what he had,he would have to use his brain and intellect.
Therefore The Dom gave him the name of " Artie the Artful."
Artie wanted to know how many tens of thousands of dollars The Dom is going to pay.
Again loud laughter and guffaws.
The Dom said since this was Arties first job and that The Dom was doing Artie the favor of getting him into the Hitman bidness,He would be paid ONE DOLLAR.
The Dom saw the look of sadness on Arties face and told him that if he pulled this off,Arties earnings would be in the millions.
The Dom even had one of his goons drive Artie home.
Artie fixed himself a bowl of Count Chocula cereal and opened the folder The Dom had given him.
Inside was a picture of a Blue Haired old Lady useing a walker.The data sheet listed her as being 93 years old.
The sheet also said this ole lady shopped at Krogers grocery store every Wednesday.That was senior day and every senior got 10% off of their purchase.
Artie shows up at Krogers and hangs around until he spies his victim.She is ancient and hardly gets around by herself.Artie has no gun,knife or garrot so he decides to strangle the biatch.
He just grabs her by the neck and squeezes until she departs this life.It was easier than he thought.
As he turns to hightail it outta there,he runs into a 7 year old girl that witnessed the whole thing.He can't have that so he strangles the girl too.
As he makes his way thru the parking lot to the bus stop (Canadian Courts took his liscence on a DUI conviction)he runs into a Quadraplegic in a wheel chair that saw him choke the girl.
Artie can't have any witnesses so he throttles this guy too.
Artie finally makes it home.
He draws all the curtains,locks the doors and puts on his Spiderman jammies.
He sits up all night with his stuffed Pooh Bear.
As dawn breaks,he hears the newspaper hit the front porch.
After peeking out to see if anyone is around,he grabs the paper and slams the door shut.
With trembling hands he unrolls the paper.
There in the main headline,it states..........
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,Artie Chokes Three For A Dollar At Krogers.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I was told that the toilet was stole at the local police station yesterday.
The police said they don't have anything to go on....
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Let me tell you about my doctor. He is very good. If you tell him you want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again.
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese.
Another time he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he is invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
Another time a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film." The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."
One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem." The doctor asked, "When did it start? "The man replied, "When did what start?"
I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: "Don't answer it."
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these. If they don't work, give me a ring."
Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.
You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy just standing around, next to a stack of boxes. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!
The new CEO walked up to the guy and asked "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Dominos
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Newfoundlander living in Toronto decided to visit the Metro zoo. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant
could look at a person and tell that person's age.
The Newfie was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms.
The trainer had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. "Is that right?" he asked the boy. "Oh yes," the boy said.
The Newfie was very loud in expressing his disbelief, so the man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several other people, and each time the
elephant stamped his foot, the people said he was correct.
The Newfie got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the trainer could take it no longer and offered to bet the Newfie that the
elephant could look at him and tell him his age.
The Newfie accepted the wager. The elephant looked very closely at the skeptical Newfie,then turned around, raised his tail and broke wind like you wouldn't believe. Then he stomped his foot twice.
The Newfie stumbled back - AMAZED! - and with disbelief in his voice, cried, "Lard tunderin' Jaysus b'y, he's right ... I'm farty-two!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Police in Kansas City arrested a 98 year old prostitute today.
According to sources she was advertising in the yellow pages.
A department spokesperson admitted that she was the oldest trick in the book.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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SF,
Maybe, she was the one that people were talking about when they said, "Have you ever had a horse eat oats out of your hand?". Who knows, she might be able to "strangely arouse" Bubba.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two guys decided to try and find sasquatch. So they were in a depot store buying supplies and an Indian asked them what they were doing.
The guys replied "We're trying to find sasquatch."
The Indian said "Never heard of it, what is it like?"
The guys said "Well, we know its big, hairy and stinky"
The Indian replied "Ohh, you mean squaw snatch"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
* A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two-tired.
* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
* A backward poet writes inverse.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Did you hear about the Amish woman that wanted a divorce.
She claimed her husband "Drove her buggy".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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did you hear about the guy who told his psychiatrist that some nights he dreamed he was a wig-wam and some nights he dreamed he was a tee-pee?
The doctor told him "You're too tense!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Q) why do sharks swim in salt water?
A) because pepper water makes them sneeze
Q) what kind of fish has 2 knees?
A) a 2-knee fish
Q) why did they call it the dark ages?
A) because there were so many knights
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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What's the difference between a Ritz Cracker and a lesbian?
One of them is a snack cracker.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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How do you know when a terrorist has become a man?
When the diaper comes off the rear, and is put on the head.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A West Virginia man spoke frantically into the phone, 'my wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?", the doctor asked.
"No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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For you Ford drivers......
The three Goldberg brothers
The three Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hyman, and Maximillian invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.
On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97.
The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130 - turned on the air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man Ford got very excited and invited them back to the office, where the offered them 3 million dollars for the patent.
The brothers refused saying they would settle for 2 million but they wanted the recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner" on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.
Now old man Ford was not a bit anti-Semitic, but there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on 2 million Ford cars.
They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on 4 million dollars and that just their first names would be shown.
And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls the names "Norm, Hi, and Max".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs...the tallest ones, anyway.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Q. How do you circumcise a whale?
A. Send down four skin divers
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Did you know Captain Hook died from jock itch?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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How many bones does a rooster have in his neck?
Just enough to hold up his pecker.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder.
Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky.
Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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I now renounce all connections with this thread.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I've been dating this little midget gal.
I'm just nuts over her.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A debt collector knocked on the door of a country family, that made their living weaving cloth.
"Is Jack home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
"Im sorry," the woman replied. "Jack's gone for cotton."
A few weeks later the collector tried again. "Is Jack here today?"
Once again the answer was "No, sir, I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."
When he returned for the third time and Jack was still nowhere to be seen, he complained, "I suppose Jack is gone for cotton again?"
"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Jack died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Jack's tombstone, with this inscription: ...
"Gone, But Not for Cotton."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good person. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to learn a trade while doing his time.
Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community. And he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a model inmate.
One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him.
To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help.
"But you're an expert, Andy, and I really need your help," said the warden.
"Gosh, warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Professor Jones was a brilliant English professor who got hooked on crack. He got busted and sent to prison.
While he was there, he wrote letters for the illiterate inmates and prepared legal requests and became quite popular. Unfortunately, improper grammar incensed him to a state of rage.
About two years into a nickle sentence, he got into an argument with another inmate who wanted him to write a letter for him. Professor Jones saw the original and became enraged at the poor writing. Words were exchanged, and the inmate finally pulled a shank and stabbed the Professor low in the stomach. Surgery was required to save the professor's life.
Ironically, the professor had to finish his sentence with a semi-colon.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Zen Buddist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, "Make me One with Everything."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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This tribe of warriors was going to war with another tribe the following day and the Shan was rallying his troops for the upcoming battle.
That evening, he took his armsman into confidence.
"My dear friend and confidante, I must tell you something. Of late, I have been afflicted by these strange seizures. I become paralyzed and cannot move. I need you to help me if one should seize me during the battle tomorrow. I need you to give me this potion which will stop the seizure so I can continue to lead our men to victory." and he handed his armsman a flask.
The next day, sure enough, in the middle of the battle, with swords hacking and arrows flying, the Shan is struck by a seizure. His faithful armsman fights his way to his master's side and stops to administer the potion to the fallen Shan.
Suddenly, he is struck by several arrows and hacked apart by enemy footmen.
The moral of the story is...
Hang back when the fit hits the Shan...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Nate worked as a guard at the Nuclear Power plant. His only job was to protect the self-destruct "Handle". If this "handle" were ever to be pulled it would wipe out life as we know it. One day some men were working on a scaffold, above Nate, changing light bulbs..... One of them fell and was heading right for the "handle", Nate did his job and protected the "handle" from the fallin man.. Nate died ... do you know what they wrote on his Tombstone???????????.
BETTER NATE, THAN LEVER............
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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On the remote island of Jimbalwee, there were two tribes. The Oontas and the Pingus. These two tribes had lived in relative peace for many generations.
That was, until the king of the Oontas found a treasure chest of pirate gold and jewels. Not having any use for coins, the king had all the gold melted down and fashioned into a wonderous throne. The throne was beautiful, nearly solid gold and encrusted with the jewels. He had the throne placed ceremoniously on the ground floor of his grass hut "palace" where all who entered could see him in his glory. Every day, he would come down from the upper floor of his hut (where he slept) and would sit on his throne and rule.
Then, the king of the Pingus tribe heard about the throne and gathered his warriors around him. He was determined to take the throne from the Oonta king. They then marched across the island to take the throne.
But the Oontas king heard about the plan and he and a couple of his strongest men tried to hide the throne in the upper level of the palace. They no sooner got the throne up to the upper floor when the entire floor collapsed, killing them all.
The moral of the story...
People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass - not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it.
One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found. As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning.
When he awoke, he went outside, and saw that his dog had eaten the grass all in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun.
Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Things were miserable in the land of the Trids. They were a tribe of small people who inhabited a valley.
The mountains to their west blocked the moisture from the sea so their land was parched and grew little. As a result hunger was the predominant condition.
The land between the mountains and the sea received abundant rainfall and grew crops which were plentiful. This land was inhabited by a giant who was loathe to share his bounty with his little neighbors in the valley.
One day a council was held and the Trids decided to send a delegation of dignitaries to try and reason with the giant. The climbed to the top of the mountains and summoned the giant, who came up to them in frightful bounds.
They respectfully explained the situation as they saw it and laid out a request for the giant to share his surplus with them. Upon the completion of their speil, the giant drew back his leg and kicked them all off the mountain back down into the valley. Many were killed and the rest were terribly injured.
After a number of years passed, it was decided to once again approach the giant. This time it was hard to get up a delegation, but the elected leaders were finally forced to go as a representative body.
After eloquently presenting their case to the giant, they were summarily booted back into their valley with the resulting deaths and injuries.
After a suitable time, it was once again decided that someone needed to talk to the giant. It was decided that perhaps it was a mistake to go in large numbers, so it fell to the tribe's holy man to go and intercede on behalf of the people.
He climbed the mountain and summoned the giant. He appealed to the giant's better nature, explaining God's plan for everyone to benefit from his bounty and goodness. As he finished, the giant rubbed his chin thoughtfully, then hauled off and kicked the holy man back into the valley.
As he tumbled head-over-heels through space, the holy man managed to cry out, "Why do you do this to us?"
To this, the giant replied, "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Thought for the day...
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If you sometimes get the sudden urge to run around naked. Drink some Windex. It will keep you from streaking.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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There were once two bakers shops in a small village. They were in fierce competition, with half the village going to one, and the other half shopping at the other.
One day, one of the bakers bought himself a new device that he found for sale in the city - it was a bread slicing machine, which could slice four loaves at once, using four large blades.
Suddenly, he found himself getting all the business in the town. No-one went to the other baker's shop any more, and it was forced out of business.
After he had closed the shop for the final time, the second baker went to visit the first, to ask for a job.
"How did you do it?" he asked, "How did you get so much business from me? You just got so much good luck all of a sudden."
"I'm not sure," said the first baker, "but I think it's got something to do with this four-loaf-cleaver I found..."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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There was a scientist who got tired of working so hard he cloned himself. The clone was identical, but some genetic flaw made him curse all the time. The Scientist was named Tom, and the clone was Tom II.
He had all the knowledge of Tom, but was an embarrassment in public. For example, they'd go out to dinner and the clone would yell out, "Bring me some ******** chicken, $$$$$$$.
Finally, Tom's boss got tired of his clone disturbing and cursing all the help in the lab, and he told Tom he was going to have to get rid of him. "Glady," Tom said.
So he lured Tom II up on to the top of the tallest building in town, and as Tom II was looking over the side, Tom pushed him. He fell 30 stories, yelling obscenities all the way.
Immediately, a cop, who was almost hit by Tom II, rushed up to the top of the building and told Tom "OK, Buster. You're under arrest!"
Tom said, "You can't arrest me for murder. That wasn't a human, that was a clone!"
The cop said, "I'm not arresting you for murder. I'm arresting you for making an obscene clone fall."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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After a heavy day's digging at the archeological site in Norway, the researchers uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder god.
It was a wondrous piece of artwork - He had bulging muscles, and imposing stance, and of course his famous giant hammer.
But most important of all, the eyes in his fierce-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glittered with a brilliant red colour.
Of course, the two leading archeologists on the dig were both determined that they should be the one to have their name listed against the discovery, and pretty soon the argument was intensifying to the point where the rest of the team, despite being exhausted after the day's work, started to gather round to watch.
The two of them continued squabbling for some time, and they provided the others with a great source of amusement for the evening, and by the time they finally gave up and called a truce, everyone else was feeling quite refreshed by the entertainment.
As the crowd dispersed, one junior digger turned to his friend, and said:
"Well, that was a fight for Thor eyes."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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You know why elephants had to quit using sheep for tampons?
Toxic flock syndrom...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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There once was a poor shepherd named Yorgi. The only food he had to sustain himself on was the milk he got from the sheep, and it tasted so bad that he could barely drink it. As a result, Yorgi became thin and sickly.
One day, he met his friend Vladimir. Vladimir was a poor shepherd like himself, but he was hearty and healthy. Vladimir told him that he had to live on sheep's milk too, but he let him on a secret: a witch in a nearby village taught him a magic spell that makes sheep's milk taste as sweet as the richest cream. Yorgi begged Vladimir to teach him the spell, which his friend did willingly.
Sure enough, Yorgi's sheep produced the most delicious milk he ever tasted. Yorgi loved it so much, that he drank it by the liter. He milked his sheep so much that they cried out in pain. Yorgi realized that he couldn't make his sheep suffer like that, so he reversed the spell and resigned himself to drinking normal sheep's milk.
Now, there's no ewes crying over spelled milk.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water???
"it might take me a while to get hard, I just got laid"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Circus Polska, a small traveling circus in Poland was moderately successful. A lot of people attended just to see Jerzyk, The Human Cannonball.
His act consisted of him being shot out of a cannon-like tube by compressed air. The blast was simulated be a carbide explosion. He flew about 30 meters into a net.
One day the crew placed the net a bit too close to the cannon and Jerzyk hit the cable at the edge, getting a bad bruise. "That's it, I quit", he told the owner.
"But Jerzyk," replied the owner, "Where will I ever find another man of your caliber?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Chinese guy, an Italian and an Irishman arrived for their first day working on a construction site and reported to the foreman's office.
The foreman pointed to a huge pile of sand and said, "I want you three guys to make a huge dent in that sandpile there!"
The foreman then grabbed the Italian and said, "You are in charge of sweeping!"
"OK" said the Italian.
The foreman then grabbed the Irishman and said, "You are in charge of digging!"
"Righto!" said the Irishman.
The foreman then grabbed the Chinaman and said, "You are in charge of supplies!"
"I happy for this job!" replied the Chinaman.
The foreman then leaves the site and when he returned two hours later he found that the pile of sand hasn't been touched and the Italian and the Irishman are standing next to it doing nothing!
"Why the fork havn't you touched any of that sand?" screamed the foreman.
The Italian stepped forward and said, "We both didn't have a broom or a shovel and you let the Chinaman be in charge of supplies, but he disappeared a couple of minutes after you left and we just can't find him!"
The foreman then stormed off in search of the Chinaman but after checking the entire site he couldn't find him.
Just as the foreman was about to give up looking the Chinaman suddenly popped his head out of the sand and shouted, "SUPPLIES!".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Power of Beer
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!"
The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
*
he should have quit when he was a head.............
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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foots
the exterminator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5241
Loc: by my spiritual advisor, Wu
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I was born kicking, screaming, and covered in someone elses blood. I have no problem goin out the same way.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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American Medical Association researchers have made a Remarkable discovery.
It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may Benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
Just thought you'd like to know.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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How about the old adage, "Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day"????
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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So this seal goes into a bar one night and asks for a drink.
The bartender gives the seal an odd stare but finally asks "What will it be, bud."
The seal replies "It doesn't matter, as long as it's not a Canadian Club on the rocks."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Boycott shampoo!
Demand the REAL poo!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got Male!!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Booooooooooooo.... 
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Just for that, check the thread with your name. 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Ya big bully!!!! 
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear etc.
On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
The guy says, "I'm green with NV". The host replies, "Brilliant come on in and have a drink."
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts.
He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
She replies, "I'm tickled pink."
The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked, one with his willy in bowl of custard and the other with his willy stuck in a pear.
The host is really shocked and says, "What the hell are you both doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?"
Paddy replies, "Welllll, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two lesbians tee it up on the first hole one morning.
The hefty one takes out a driver and lets it rip- sending her ball 300 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. She turns to her "partner" and in a gruff voice and says "Huh, what do you think of that?"
The other lesbian nods and replies, "You da man."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
Two lesbians tee it up on the first hole one morning.
The hefty one takes out a driver and lets it rip- sending her ball 300 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. She turns to her "partner" and in a gruff voice and says "Huh, what do you think of that?"
The other lesbian nods and replies, "You da man."
The other one really probably said, "You ain't seen nothing yet. Watch what I do to that other dildo ball".
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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Camouflage training
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk makes a sudden move and is spotted by the general.
"You simpleton!" the officer barks. "Don't you know that by jumping the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"
"Yes, sir," the soldier answers. "But, if I may say so, I stood still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice, and I never moved an inch when a dog peed on my trunk.
But when two squirrels ran up my pants and I heard one say, Let's eat one now and save the other till winter, that did it!"
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The damage from the US sub-prime market in Japan shows no signs of letting up.
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Financial has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cutback some of its branches.
Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will go for a song.
Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived and ultimately crashed while 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank also got the chop.
Analysts also report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and with redundancies likely staff fear they will get a raw deal.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man paid a visit to his doctor because his leg was bothering him. He asked the doctor to listen to his knee.
The doctor used his stethoscope to listen to the man?s knee. Very faintly he heard, ?Can I have ten dollars??
The man then told the doctor to listen to his shin.
Again, the doctor used his stethoscope and heard, ?Come on, give me 15 dollars.?
The doctor was growing increasingly alarmed.
The man said, ?It gets worse. Just listen to my ankle.?
The doctor listened to the man?s ankle. He heard, ?I need 20 bucks. Will you give me 20 bucks??
The doctor stood up and said, ?I see what?s wrong...
...Your leg is broke in three places.?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Mel, while out gopher hunting spots a cat hiding in the grass and accidentally shoots off the tail of this cat.
After being shot, the cat runs up to Mel with a tear in his eye holding his tail in his paw. Being the kind, mellow old gent that he really is, Mel rushes the cat, along with the tail over to Walmart!
Why Walmart???
Walmart is the largest retailer in the world!!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.
Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:
"We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish."
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Pedro & His Girlfriend
One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean.
It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
"Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me.
" Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Investment tips for 2008
Maybe I shouldn't give you some of these, but here goes:
Investment tips for 2008 for all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2008.
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!
And finally ....
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBang Bang
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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I volunteer to choose the Victoria's Secret personnel taking part in the negotiations.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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fish
senior member - literally
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 2464
Loc: Kingdom of Callaway
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Subject: A beautiful name
A woman scanned the guests at a
party and spotted an attractive man, standing
alone. She approached him.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a
family name
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself.. It
reflects the things I like most -- cars
and men.
What's your name?" she asked.
He replied, "Bob Titsenbeer"
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur that is the reason I stole the paintings.
I had no Monet . . .
. . . to buy Degas . . .
. . . to make the Van Gogh.
See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.
I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas.
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:
HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer
"Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favorite things!!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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There was this cop and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work at the station and discovered that a woman rookie officer had joined the force. Her name was Officer Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this cop was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing else he could do but to break up with Lorraine and get it on with the new rookie. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current was strong and it carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing........
"I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone.'
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?????...........................
You can't kill two birds with one stone!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Now, that was a really bad one.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.
"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."
"What do you mean?" Jim asked.
"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it." Jim agrees and the two say good bye.
A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.
Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!"
"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"
"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."
"Crisco!!?" Bob exclaimed!! "Damn it, Jim, Crisco is shortening!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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(reply to an old, old gal)
DEAR MADAM:
THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS SHOP.
YOU ASKED FOR THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.
PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM BECAUSE THAT IS OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER.
THANK YOU.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Okay, there's this string that walks into a bar and says "Barkeep, Gimme a beer."
The bartender says, "We DON'T serve strings in here."
So, the string sits there and then, "AHEM, barkeep, GIMME A BEER!!."
The bartender repeats himself again very loudly and throws the string out of the bar.
So, all ticked off the string picks himself up and see's a big truck coming down the road and throws himself in front of it. Man, he's getting tossed around, frayed, twisted, knotted up, and just plain frazzled by this truck when it hits him.
He finally gets himself loose from the truck after all of this and dust's himself off and walks back towards the bar. He again walks in and jumps up on the stool and says "Barkeep, Gimme a Beer!"
The bartender walks over and says, "Aren't you the string I just threw out of here?" in an upset voice.
And the string replies, "No, I'm afraid not"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Boo!!! Hiss!!!
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
Joh n F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln , was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln , was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford.'
Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man walks into the sheriff's office.... "I want to become a deputy!"
"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.
The poster reads: 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'
"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.
"Rustling."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Give that arrest to PipPaul. He could probably handle that one.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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He would go out on medical after that arrest.
Paper cuts.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: Wear The Fox Hat
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Chinese restaurant owner walks up to a diner and says, 'how is your meal?'
The diner pokes a shrimp and says 'these shrimp are rubbery!'
The owner smiles broadly and says 'thank you!'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
'He's a funeral director,' she answered.
'Interesting,' the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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This is how Yodeling first began---------------------------Back in the days when a 'Travelling salesman' really travelled the country, a 'travelling man's' car broke down, way out in the country. There were no cellphones or phones to call AAA even if there had been a AAA then. He walked miles to the nearest farmer's house and asked him if he could 'Put him up' for the night. The farmer said he had no place in the house, but he could sleep in the barn, if he liked. They had supper, the Farmer, his wife, and a beautiful shapely young daughter. He retired to the barn, and the tired farmer went upstairs to bed. After a while the beautiful young daughter said to her Mom,'I think I'll take that nice man a glass of milk'. She did, and a good while later, she came back in the house, with straws of hay in her disheveled hair, and went to bed. Ma sat around a while, then decided she would take him a piece of the nice warm cake she had just made. A long while later, she comes back in the house, with more hay straws in her hair & retires. Next morning at breakfast Pa comes down, and asks if he should take the guy out some breakfast. Ma said he had just left going up the mountain. The daughter lets out a moan, 'I love him ! I wanted to tell him goodbye before he left.' Ma said, 'He's goin' up the mountain, now', By then pa is getting suspicious & says,' I'll get that S.O.B for messing with my daughter!!' Grabs his shotgun and takes off after him. He sees him way up on the mountain and Yells, ' I'll get you for messing with my daughter '!! The man put his hand cupped around his mouth and as he disappeared over the crest of the mountain, yells back------------------------- ' I--laid--the ol--ladee, too'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time.' But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, 'How about going to church with me and receive blessings?' But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet . So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about the Lord???'
A little voice came out of the box,'I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes.'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .
And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.!
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marr y Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just a commontater.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want to play a game? See those two rib-eyes nailed to the ceiling? You get to throw one dart. If you hit one, you get to take them home and I'll give you a free drink."
The man says, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
A man runs into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Give me ten shots of your best whisky."
The bartender sets up the ten glasses.
The man starts drinking them as quickly as the bartender serves them.
The bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
"You'd drink fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks,
"What do you have?"
"Seventy cents."
A professor walks into a bar and orders a double martinous.
The bartender says, "you mean a double martini?"
The professor says, "If I want more than one I'll ask for it."
A photon walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "What can I get you."
The photon answers, "Nothing, I'm traveling light."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
Edited by SwampFox (08/21/08 06:55 PM)
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Einstein was born March 14, 1879. He would be 129 if he were alive today.
Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed.
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA Connection.
This came to be known as...
Einstein's Theory of "Relative Titty"...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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So this pirate walks into a bar and sits next to a drunken wench.
The wench looks him over and says, "Nice pirate outfit. Where'd you get your earrings?"
The pirate says, "Arr, I bought one from the dollar store on the other side of town and I got the other from the dollar store across the street."
So the wench exclaims, "Wow! Not bad for a buck-an-ear!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
8. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
9. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
10. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'
11. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
12. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
13. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
14. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.
15. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
16. A backward poet writes in-verse.
17. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor pick s up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit straight up!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Withouta numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga come along and shita by each tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data make a one hundred. "
"So, whenna I start?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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If a train 300 cars long leaves Chicago at noon on Sunday and the caboose gets struck by lighting,
how long will it take to kill the driver?
Assuming of course that he is a good "conductor"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know
for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't and said so.
Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
"Well, what is it then? What does she do ?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife..
"Yes!" he replied.
"She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Why do seagulls live by the sea?
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Because if they lived by the bay, they would be baygulls.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Some of these last ones have really been a reach even for this thread.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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No journy is too long or dangerous to gather the finest puns from around the world and present them here.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Al-Quaeda have hidden bombs in tins of Alphabetti Spaghetti
If they go off it could spell disaster!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Booooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!! 
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Just doing my civic duty.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one orders a beer.
The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer.
The bartender says "You're all idiots", and pours two beers.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”
The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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crossbar
member
Reged: 12/25/05
Posts: 67
Loc: Jackson Mo.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Q: Why don't jokes work in octal?
A: Because 7 10 11.
It's a tough job but someone has to do it....
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
Edited by SwampFox (11/28/08 10:27 PM)
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."
The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!" Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.
The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo.
When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Was he the best pitcher that ever threw a baseball? Back in the 1950s, there were a lot of folks who thought so.
Mel Famey of the Milwaukee Braves was a natural -- a once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon whose fast ball blew away the best hitters. His 90 MPH curve ball would start out like it was going to hit the batter's ear, only to break at the last instant and hit the outside corner of the plate for a strike.
His change up made the best hitters in the league cry -- they would swing, drop the bat, and stare incredulously as the ball hit the catcher's mitt.
He was indeed awesome!
Why then, you might ask, is he not in the Hall of Fame? Why haven't you ever heard of him?
Alas, like many others before him, Mel's downfall was demon alcohol.
Ol' Mel really liked to tilt the glass. His drinking became almost legendary around the country, but he never let it affect his pitching until The Braves and the Yankees were in the World Series!
Excitement reigned!
The series was tied at three games apiece, and the Braves were in New York for the seventh and deciding game.
The night before the big event, Mel's thirst got the better of him. He sneaked out of the hotel after curfew, and bought himself two cases of beer.
As you might imagine, the next morning Mel didn't feel too good.
But being the pro that he was, Mel managed to do just fine -- until the bottom of the ninth inning. With the Braves ahead by one run, two out, and the bases loaded, Mel's revelry the night before finally caught up to him.
Eight straight pitches -- eight straight balls. He walked in the tying run and the winning run, thereby, losing the game and the series.
After the game, a reporter went to the jubilant Yankee's clubhouse and spoke to the last two players that faced Mel. "Tell me," he asked, "to what do you attribute this victory over the best pitcher in the major leagues"?
In unison they replied, ... "It was the beer that made Mel Famey walk us"!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!” “No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Booooooo, man I'm glad you don't pt this lame crap on my thread........
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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It's hard to embarrass a "Black Amputee Toilet Hardware Handjob Porn" kinda guy.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Subject: Doctors' Opinion of Financial Bail Out Package
The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. The Pathologistsyelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes in Washington.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Scout 1
New order Amish - not be confused with Meninite!
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6778
Loc: Where there are no ducks
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
"It was the beer that made Mel Famey walk us"!
Boy... you gotta be an oldster to remember that one.
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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That was almost as good as the guy who did the original sex change operation on Christine Jorgenson. He went to work in Milwaukee making Schlitz.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Olde Frothingslosh - "the pale stale ale with the foam on the bottom".
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two lesbians walk into a house of ill repute. They ask for the youngest woman in the joint.
The madame says that she will not allow the youngest girl any time with them.
The lesbians make the demand again, "We want the youngest girl here!"
The madame says, "No. I refuse to serve minors to lickers."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"
Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfect excepta for da train ride down."
"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she pack a biga basket a food.
She broughta da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basketta
The conductore come a by, waga hisa finger at us anda say, 'no eat in disa car.* Musta use a dining car.'
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino!
Conductore walka by again, waga hisa finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.
While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say,** 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.'* "We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed to maka love. We just abouta to play hida da salsizza and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice...
'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'
"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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With the recession, The NFL announced today that for financial reasons they had to eliminate one team from the league.
So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs, they will be known as the..........
TAMPACKS.
Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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As everyone is aware there are great benefits to eating wild meats vs. domestic. Things like ostrich, alligator etc. have all come into their own on the menu. Now there is a new one. Guaranteed to be peaceful to you stomach. The meat is said to make the most wonderful sandwich. What is it? Lama, the same thing that brings us alpaca wool. You can find it in the finest sandwich shops.
It is called deli lama.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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old lodge skins
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 381
Loc: Porche's Prairie, MO
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LLAMA
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Quote:
old lodge skins said:
LLAMA
Now, that was a gotcha.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Llosers.
Or as Jaeger would say, lloosers.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Here is the Washington Post's Mensa invitational - which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus (n.): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication (n.): Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until You realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation (n.): Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy (n.): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti (n.): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm (n.): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte (v.): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis (n.): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon (n.): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like,
a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido (n.): All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect (n.): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for
common words. And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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What do you call 13 witches in a hot tub?
A self cleanng coven. 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two.
One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.
One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears--a male and a female.
The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend.
Luckily, the bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male.
The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.
"What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Cows With Guns
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Hyena is drinking at the watering hole one day when he sees an elephant come in for a drink. As the elephant gets close to the water he stops short and inspects a turtle for a few seconds. He then rears back and kicks the turtle so hard it flies for darned near a mile!
The Hyena says "What did you do that for"?
Welll, says the elephant,"About 80 years ago the turtle bit my foot. Today I finally found him and just got even".
"80 years" exclaimed the Hyena, "How could you remember what he looked like after all this time?"
The elephant replied " I have "turtle recall"!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Artifacts are a major portion of an American-Indian reservation's economy. Annually, thousands of tourists visit reservations and most will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of the traditional Indian culture.
One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors in the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the cost others had to charge. On examination of his dolls they found that where traditionally hard wood was used, this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost.
While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his competitors complained that it was only a cheap Sioux Veneer.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Ugh! Me smart Indian.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover.'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Hell!
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Three young "HomeofToto" bulls were talking about where they were going.....one was going to New Yark to join the "Bull market"....wow was heard!!
Another was going to Mexico to join the "Bull fights"....and more wows!
The third bull hemmed and hawed and finally said he was staying right here,,,,,,for heifer and heifer!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An asylum for the mentally retarded got a new director and when he took a tour of the place he noticed that the inmates were just sitting around doing nothing. He remarked to the staff that they needed to be more active and suggested that they form a choir so the inmates could express themselves and become more interested in life. As a reward for their participation after each practice the inmates could choose a treat. They could have either an apple or a can of Tab.
The choir actually sounded very good so they decided to take them to local schools, churches and sporting events for them to perform. Their fame spread and they were doing concerts to supplement funding for the asylum to make the place nicer for the inmates.
Well, one evening after the concert a talent scout approached the director and said he'd like to get them on television and maybe record them but first the choir would have to have an official name. The director said that they already had a name. It was called The Moron Tab Or Apple Choir.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw an Indian hiding behind a gravestone.
I said, "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a chit."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Pope was having a shower and although he is very strict about the rules of celibacy, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist and this was one of those occasions.
Just as he reached the Papal Climax, he saw a paparazzi photographer capturing the moment the Holy Seed flew through the air.
"Hold on a minute!" screamed the Pope, "you can't publish that photograph; you'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church."
"This photograph is my lottery win," replied the photographer, "I'll be financially secure for life."
So, the Pope offered to buy the camera and film from the photographer and after lots of negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of two million Euros.
The Pope dried himself off and headed off with his new camera.
He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera.
"That looks like a really good camera," she said, "how much did it cost you?"
"Two million Euros," replied the Pope.
"Two million Euros!" shrieked the housekeeper "They must have seen you coming!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?
Wonder no more!!!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which
lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"freeze a jolly good fellow."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Ugh!!! Not even up to my standards.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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After 17 pages it's hard to get new material.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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RafeHollister
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 672
Loc: Webb City, MO
Current High Scores in:
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Have you heard about the new corduroy pillow?
It's making headlines.
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Both how I'm livin' and my nose is large.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Quote:
RafeHollister said:
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillow?
It's making headlines.
Rafe,
That joke's groovy.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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STTH
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 423
Loc: Turd Crick
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how can ya tell by the brown of her eye or just the fact that she is dressed entirely in black in 100 degree weather
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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You got it.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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So this Pirate walks into a bar with a piece of paper towel on his head.
The bartender asks him, "Hey buddy, why the paper towel hat?"
The pirate replies, "Yar, that's the Bounty on me head."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents... 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him....
Sum Ting Wong
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A drunk is sitting at the bar. There is a very buxom blonde a few seats down from him.
A fellow at the other end of the bar calls for a beer.
The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.
The glass hits the blonde's breasts and spills all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her breasts.
This happens a couple more times.
The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him!
He's lying on the floor moaning and groaning.
"How come you let the bartender do it?" he asks the blonde?
She answers: "Because he has got a Licker License.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Burrhead
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3075
Loc: Just north of Bugtussle
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Boooooooo.
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Somebody has to walk the point.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Remember, archery is an odd sport. You can't try it until you nocked it!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Burrhead
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3075
Loc: Just north of Bugtussle
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You're killing me with these word play jokes.
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Somebody has to walk the point.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A.. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency...
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty...
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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RafeHollister
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 672
Loc: Webb City, MO
Current High Scores in:
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A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the 'Chicken Surprise'. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I brought you Peeking Duck'.
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Both how I'm livin' and my nose is large.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Some monks opened a flower shop to help support their small monastery, and their business prospered. Since they were growing most of their flowers and their overhead was low, they were able to sell cheaper than the other two florists in town. It also helped that the church started steering wedding and funeral customers their way.
Sales at the other two flower shops went to almost nothing, and they were in danger of going bankrupt. They begged the friars not to run them out of business, and the aged mother of one flower shop owner even visited the monastery to ask them to stop - all to no avail.
In desperation, the two business owners hired Hugh McBride, a local hoodlum, to go have a "talk" with the monks. Hugh McBride beat the tar out of a couple of friars, trashed their shop, and threatened that if they stayed in business, his next visit would be a lot worse. Terrified, the good fathers closed the shop and promised not to re-open.
It seems that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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UGGLLLYYYY
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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While they listened to the dulcet strains of Wayne Newton and quaffed vintage champagne, the young couple cuddled in the hot tub as bubbles nibbled at their shoulders like a peckish Pomeranian.
Soon Tiffany and Shane grew lethargic and groggy, and as Shane drew a final, sweet drag from his cigarette, an errant breeze hijacked a glowing ember, only to release it into the slumbering Tiffany's flowing mane,and catching it ablaze.
But Shane, besotted and inherently doltish, could muster no plan of rescue until he heard Wayne Newton intone, "Dunk her, Shane."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A sheik from dubai was down on his luck due to the latest money troubles and began to sell off his valuables. The last of these was the Star of the Euphrates, one of the most valuable diamonds in existence.
He went to a pawnbroker who offered him 10,000 rials for it.
"Are you crazy?", said the sheik. "I paid over one million rials for this gem! Don't you know who I am?"
The pawnbroker replied, "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Whackattack
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 2554
Loc: Farmington, Mo
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
I was at a St. Louis Boat Show some years ago and Ray Scott of Bassmaster fame, was using the old stool sample joke. What a maroon.....
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Murphy, an Irishman, applied for a Blacksmith's job.
At the interview he was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses.
He said, "No, but I once told a donkey to fork off."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A pun, at maturity, is fully groan.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Did I ever tell you about my friend Max? He moved out of the Alleghenies because he hated having to walk up and down the hills all the time.
He was sort of an anti-climb Max.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Burrhead
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3075
Loc: Just north of Bugtussle
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Oh, Lord...
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Somebody has to walk the point.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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One does... what one can.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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As I get older I'm probably not as tough as I used to be, so for self-defense I rely on Mexican Judo.
'Cause ju do' know if I gotta knife,
Ju do' know if I gotta gun,
Ju do' know.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Boudreaux was out in da field talkin' wit his frien Thibodeaux. Thibodeaux said "Boudreaux , you see dat ole barn out dere? Well man, its completely infestered wit rats. I tried everything I know an can't get rid of dem." Boudreaux say, "Thibodeaux, I know xactly how to get rid of dem rats. Yougotta get you one of dem bull constriptors." Thibodeaux say, Whats a bull constriptor?". Boudreaux explains, "man. dats one of dem big ole snakes and he loves to eat rats and swallers dem whole, all at once".
Well, da nex day Thibodeaux went down to Kliberts reptile farm and bought him da biggest bull constripter dat dey got. He brought dat snake to da barn an let him loose right in da middle and sat dere and watched. Well, Thibodeaux was watchin' for a long time, I mean long, an dere wasn't nuttin' happening. Dat big ole snake jus curled up hiself in da middle of dat barn and slept all day. He didn't even move and dem rats jus run all around. So Thibodeaux got real frustrated and he called up Boudreaux on da phone, "Boudreaux, man dats some bad advice bout dat snake. Dem rats is still runnin' al around and dat snake jus lays dere sleepin' all day long."
Boudreaux says, "Man, Thibodeaux, I know just what to do. Give dat snake some Viagra." Thibodeaux say, "What! Viagra! What's dat gonna do?" Boudreaux say,"I was just listening to da radio and de man say dat Viagra is da best ting to use for a reptile dysfunction!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Oh , booooooooooooooooooooo
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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It does beg the question,"What happens when an anaconda takes viagra?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Last night was rough.
Tossing and turning.
Trouble getting to sleep.
When I finally dozed off the dreams were wierd and confusing.
I thought I was a muffler.
I've been exhausted all day.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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I hereby renouce any association with this thread. Even I can not stomach some of the posts.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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Burrhead
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3075
Loc: Just north of Bugtussle
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Too late Mel. Your name is right there in the title.
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Somebody has to walk the point.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest feeling very fed up because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he was brown like other toads.. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway...this yellow toad bumps into a Fairy Godmother. He begs her: "Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."
The Fairy Godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're brown!"
The toad looks down and sees that he's brown except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the Fairy Godmother:
"Wait a minute! My willy's still yellow!"
To this the Fairy Godmother replies: "I don't do willys. You will have to see the The Wizard of Oz for that."
The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple lion wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same Fairy Godmother. He implores her: "Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other lions. None of the lady lions want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me
from a mile off."
She, being a nice Fairy Godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The lion looks down and sees the he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple. He says: "My willy is still purple!"
She says: "I don't do willys, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."
To this the lion replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The wizard of Oz?"
The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy .....just follow the yellow prick toad!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Dr. Eldon Bishop of Tampa, Florida has been engaged in an exciting area of medical research for years now. He has developed a unique protein/amino acid combination that disables the genes that cause aging. This compound is being tested on porpoises, and it has been observed to completely stop and even reverse the effects of old age in those mammals. Human testing is scheduled to follow within a few years.
This miraculous compound is cultured in the live eggs of seagulls - and a problem arose because of last month's oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. It was felt that seagull eggs that had possibly been exposed to crude oil should not be used for this research.
Last week, Dr. Bishop and a colleague traveled to California, where they captured several breeding pairs of seagulls. As they were driving with the caged birds in a van to Florida, it was found that they had failed to obtain the necessary Federal permits to capture and transport protected wildlife.
Dr. Bishop has been arrested by the FBI for transporting gulls illegally across state lines for immortal porpoises.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Oneida Revere picked at her meal and stared dully across the table at the charismatic charlatan who had seduced her with the illusion of love and tarnished her family's sterling reputation; she was wise to his bent mind games and though it felt like a knife through her heart, she knew it was time to stick a fork in it and call it done - her days of spooning with Uri Geller were over.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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BruceCarp
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 802
Loc: central MO
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Well I be forked!
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crappie fisherman & waterfowl hunter
retired Army
But wait a minute I think I have another bite!!!!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The life-saving salve had not arrived to help Dr. Sybil Carter dress the mutant killer bee wounds because landslides blocked roads, the rivers were jammed by earthquake debris, and even the jungle foot paths were clogged with dead bees and their victims, yet without the medicinal unguent, many more would die, so reluctantly giving in to her promise never again to speak to her aviator ex-boyfriend, she picked up the radio and begged him to fly in the ointment.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Oh, Boo!!!!
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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It was a risky production unlike any mounted prior on the Met stage, the orchestra first imitating the perpetually beating heart of a man walled-in while in pursuit of wine , and then a soprano singing the plaintive aria of a barely alive woman stuffed up a chimney as her ancestral home was destroyed; however, it certainly was Opera Poe.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Darnell knew he was getting hung out to dry when the D.A. made him come clean by airing other people's dirty laundry; the plea deal was a new wrinkle and there were still issues to iron out, but he hoped it would all come out in the wash - otherwise he had folded like a cheap suit for nothing.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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foots
the exterminator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5241
Loc: by my spiritual advisor, Wu
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I love me some Mel, but if you keep postin this , then I gotta say............FORK MEL.
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I was born kicking, screaming, and covered in someone elses blood. I have no problem goin out the same way.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Well....
Paul Revere had just discovered that someone in Boston was a spy for the British, and when he saw the young woman believed to be the spy's girlfriend in an Italian restaurant he said to the waiter, "Hold the spumoni--I'm going to follow the chick an' catch a Tory."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Quote:
foots said:
I love me some Mel, but if you keep postin this , then I gotta say............FORK MEL.
I never knew how I got drug into this in the first place.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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As usual around here, one of your buddies suggested the connection. 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
As usual around here, one of your buddies suggested the connection.
It's good to know that I still have some, but, with friends like that, who needs enemies?
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8066
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
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1. A bicycle can't stand alone. It is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a rotten apple.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. A chicken crossing the road … poultry in motion.
6. If a clock is hungry, does it go back four seconds?
7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
10. A calendar's days are numbered.
11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
13. The story of the short fortuneteller who escaped from prison … a small medium at large.
14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
16. If you jump off a bridge in Paris, you are in Seine.
17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
18. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses
19. Acupuncture … a jab well done.
20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
21. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
23. She was only a whisky maker’s daughter, but he loved her still.
24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
26. A dog gave birth to puppies in a public place, and was cited for littering
27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. Police are looking into it.
29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
31. A sign on the lawn outside the drug rehab center … 'Keep off the Grass'
32. A boy swallowed some coins, and was taken to a hospital. His mother telephoned to ask how he was. The nurse said, 'No change yet.'
33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
34. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects.
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Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Good'uns....
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God Bless our Troops!
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BruceCarp
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 802
Loc: central MO
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great ones!
--------------------
crappie fisherman & waterfowl hunter
retired Army
But wait a minute I think I have another bite!!!!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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As Holmes, who had a nose for danger, quietly fingered the bloody knife and eyed the various body parts strewn along the dark, deserted highway, he placed his ear to the ground and, with his heart in his throat, silently mouthed to his companion, “Arm yourself, Watson, there is an evil hand afoot ahead.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Alrighty then........I am with foots on this!
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings."
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.
I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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BruceCarp
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 802
Loc: central MO
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fork me till I'm done!
--------------------
crappie fisherman & waterfowl hunter
retired Army
But wait a minute I think I have another bite!!!!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A friend of mine just started his own business, making land-mines that look like prayer mats.
It’s doing well. He says Prophets are going through the roof.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Mick walks into Paddy's barn and finds him doing a sexy strip tease in front of his farm machinery.
Mick says "What da heck are ya doing Paddy?"
Paddy replies "Well me and the wife haven't been getting on lately and my therapist reccommended I do something sexy to a tractor."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Stop it!
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God Bless our Troops!
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Double that Stop It!!!!
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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But....
I have to.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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fish
senior member - literally
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 2464
Loc: Kingdom of Callaway
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This is mythical and deep.
A man asked an American Indian what his wife's name was.
He replied, "She is called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered,
"It old Indian Name. It mean...
NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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One Extra Kinky Dream!
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a concerned look on his face.
"Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it again!"
"What dream?" asked the psychiatrist.
"You know," says the man, "the one where I'm into sadism and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried. . . or am I just beating a dead horse?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:
His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh
I see you smiling . . .. there ya Gogh!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Gogh away......
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God Bless our Troops!
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Burrhead
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3075
Loc: Just north of Bugtussle
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
Didn't she actually work at the Whisky a Gogh Gogh?
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Somebody has to walk the point.
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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I think a couple of you need to Gogh fly a kite.
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it"."But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested."Don't you know who
I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire .... and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with... transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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I am begging you......
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The problem is that no matter how stupid the joke it still gets a chuckle.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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foots
the exterminator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5241
Loc: by my spiritual advisor, Wu
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
The problem is that no matter how stupid the joke it still gets a chuckle.
Maybe from pitbull.
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I was born kicking, screaming, and covered in someone elses blood. I have no problem goin out the same way.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression ... "He who has a Tate's is lost!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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A group of cowboys riding with the sheriff were following a band of outlaws. They were not gaining on them at all. The sheriff asked for suggestions. One of the cowboys said, "We could add a male bovine to our group."The sheriff nodded and said,
"That's posse bull."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Ever wonder what the girls at the bakery do when they go to war??
They go in with all buns glazing...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Dear friends,
I have some very sad news out of Duluth this morning to share with everyone.
This will bring about change in North Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, and even parts of Canada. There will be far reaching ramifications that will strike at the very core of our heritage and souls.
To those in the rest of the country and world, I must report the tragic news that Ole was shot. He was up by the Canadian border on his 4-wheeler cutting some trees when some rangers looking for terrorists spotted him. According to the news reports, the rangers shouted to him over a loudspeaker, "Who are you and what are you doing?"
Ole shouted back, "OLE..... BIN LOGGIN'!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Irish have sent two warships to the Middle East.
One of them is filled with sand; and the other is filled with cement.
They are obviously planning a mortar attack!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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3 guys are stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean. They have 4 cigarettes between them and nothing else. They each manage to smoke one cigarette. How?
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They threw one overboard...and the boat became a cigarette lighter.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An injun scout was guiding Gen Custer across the great plains when he came to an abrupt halt and leaped from his horse. He placed his ear to the ground then stood and said, "buffalo come."
"How can you tell?" asked Custer.
"Ear stick-um to ground."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Engineering Conversion Factors you may not know about.
01. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
02. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
03. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
04. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
05. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
06. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
07. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year
08. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
09. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line
13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle
16. 365 days = 1 unicycle
17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
18. 10 cards = 1 decacard
19. 52 cards = 1 deckacards
20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
24. 10 rations = 1 decoration
25. 100 rations = 1 C-Ration
26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
27. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
28. 5 nautical miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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BruceCarp
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 802
Loc: central MO
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good!
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crappie fisherman & waterfowl hunter
retired Army
But wait a minute I think I have another bite!!!!
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JimDog
Freelance Gynecologist
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 208
Loc: Columbia
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So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda ticked
off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were green like the other toads.. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing. Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.
He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me green like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and suchlike."
The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says, "Toadra-capokus! You're green!"
The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package,
which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother: "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"
To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will have
to go see The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he also encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like all the other bears.xNone of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account that the hunters can spot me from a mile off."
She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and
says:"Bearus-cadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the
exception of the ole twig and berries. They remain purple. He says: "My
Wang is still purple!" She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go
see The Wizard of Oz for that."
To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I
find The Wizard of Oz?"
The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... Just follow the yellowdick
Toad!"
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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That one will make Mel proud.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Does that road lead to the evening Geritol? Bwahahahahahahahahaha
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Bette3r leave that geritol alone. Some of the side effects...
Old folks on geritol
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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That must have been some whacky geritol.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two shipmates survived a sinking and held onto a piece of floating wreckage until they reached a small island. Fortunatly, they soon found a small spring and slaked their thirst.
They could observe that the island was quite small, so they agreed that they would separate and walk aroung the island and meet at the other end in an attempt to find some source of food. They did so, and when they met, the first survivor reported that all he found was a plant that was dark red, had shiny leaves and didn't taste so bad. The second survivor said that he found about the same thing, but he described the plant as dark red, almost purple.
They mutually concluded that they had been marooned.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Police Suspect Fowl Play: "Man Arrested With Chicken in His Pants"
--Atlanta Business Chronicle
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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The zoo keeper in charge of the sea mammals was trying to train an otter to walk backwards. He was not having any success. He asked a coworker to see if she could do any better.
Lo and behold, the otter was soon walking backwards.
He asked her, "How did you do that?"
"Simple," she said,
"You put one foot in front of the otter."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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 Good thing this place is already stunk up.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
Good thing this place is already stunk up.
This does knott say "For Redheaded FoxSwamp Only". You want to be Mel?? Take a ticket and stand in line.
If Jack Spratt could eat no fat, does that make him a member of the tallow-ban?
I'm developing a recipe for creamy tomato soup that uses sun-dried tomatoes. I call it "Tomato Sun of a Bisque."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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In the sleepy village of Erbum, in the town of Tillet, Hertfordshire lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes. She owns the local pub called The cork Inn. Her mail is addressed:
Linda Lykes
The cork Inn
ERBUM
Tillet, Herts.
The Mailman still laughs with every delivery
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Do people who work in the oil refinery tell crude jokes?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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I started in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I attempted to be a deli worker. But any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. (It's a good thing I didn't cut the cheese...)
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.
My latest job is working at a coffee shop. It's kind of boring; every day is the same old grind.
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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God Bless our Troops!
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Where does he find this stuff?
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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Scout 1
New order Amish - not be confused with Meninite!
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6778
Loc: Where there are no ducks
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Ya worked at the shoe factor, but ya felt tied down.
Ya could have worked at the coffee shop but always ended up in hot water
Stupid Canuck.
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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I could have worked with a photographer, but he was a little dim.
Arguing with a clueless liberal.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yAyCdfOXvec&feature=player_embedded
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fish
senior member - literally
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 2464
Loc: Kingdom of Callaway
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Quote:
MissBudweiser said:
I could have worked with a photographer, but he was a little dim.
Arguing with a clueless liberal.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yAyCdfOXvec&feature=player_embedded
Suze - You don't know how many clueless "blonds" male and female are out there like that
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Scout 1
New order Amish - not be confused with Meninite!
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6778
Loc: Where there are no ducks
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Ya forked it up AGAIN ya damn dotty old norwegian.
It's "I could have worked with a photographer, but we just didn't click."
GAWD! You certainly are a clueless llberal! Can't say yer blonde because peeps who are 189 years old and fartin dust can't be blonde.
Now WHERE in the hail is that case of Malkin's strawberry jam I tole you to send last year?
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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Quote:
fish said:
Quote:
MissBudweiser said:
I could have worked with a photographer, but he was a little dim.
Arguing with a clueless liberal.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yAyCdfOXvec&feature=player_embedded
Suze - You don't know how many clueless "blonds" male and female are out there like that
To quote Madge - "I'm already soaking in 'em up here, fish!"
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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Quote:
Scout 1 said:
Ya forked it up AGAIN ya damn dotty old norwegian.
It's "I could have worked with a photographer, but we just didn't click."
GAWD! You certainly are a clueless llberal! Can't say yer blonde because peeps who are 189 years old and fartin dust can't be blonde.
Now WHERE in the hail is that case of Malkin's strawberry jam I tole you to send last year?
Helen Waite is now in charge of all rush orders.
If you are in a hurry, just go to Helen Waite.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman...
She, of course, turns him down.
Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her... "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy...""
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"
"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'd thuffocate!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli , a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an Fijian went to a local night club.
The bouncer said "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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Hubert Schlafly, the inventor of the teleprompter, died April 20th at the age of 91. When he heard the news of Hubert's passing, President Obama was reported to be ...
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... speechless.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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In the sleepy village of Erbum , in the town of Tillet ,Hertfordshire lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes. She owns the local pub called The cork Inn. Her mail is addressed:
Linda Lykes
The cork Inn
ERBUM
Tillet, Herts.
The Mailman still laughs with every delivery
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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In the 1900s, an English town had fallen on really hard times. For decades, its primary industry had been its textile mills. But now the mills were all closed, and unemployment was at an all-time high.
Desperate, the town's mayor looked frantically around for other industries to bring to his town. He found that there was a man in Germany who was looking for someone to take over his thriving hunting-dog breeding business. The man had made a fortune raising the animals but was willing to unload it for a fraction of its value so that he could retire.
The mayor used his influence to have the mills converted to kennels and all of the dogs transported to his town. Employment skyrocketed, and the town prospered. Everyone was happy, even though the animals got a little noisy, keeping some residents awake.
But even these unfortunate few learned to sigh and say,
"The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Burrhead
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3075
Loc: Just north of Bugtussle
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Boooooo
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Somebody has to walk the point.
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foots
the exterminator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5241
Loc: by my spiritual advisor, Wu
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I'm lookin frantically for an appropriate smillie. Guess this one will have to do.
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I was born kicking, screaming, and covered in someone elses blood. I have no problem goin out the same way.
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Someone has waaaaay too much time on their hands.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Quote:
foots said:
I'm lookin frantically for an appropriate smillie. Guess this one will have to do.
HERE YA GO...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
Edited by SwampFox (07/29/11 03:12 PM)
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Quote:
Mel said:
Someone has waaaaay too much time on their hands.
It's not like I actually go looking for this stuff......
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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No you just didn't...
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Burrhead
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3075
Loc: Just north of Bugtussle
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Somebody has to walk the point.
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Best speeding excuse ever! Someday this will be you and me.
When asked by a young patrol officer "Do You know you were speeding?" This 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated: "Yes , but ... I had to get there before I forgot where I was going." The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day. .
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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If you are trying to raise the bar around here it won't work.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A blonde orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them... The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.
Each time the blond calls for another beer this happens. So after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!
He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why do you let the bartender do it?'
'Duh,' says the blonde, 'He has a licker license!'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A snake slithers into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you."
"Why not?" asks the snake.
The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor..."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A well-off bloke decided to go into business for himself. He fancied owning a pub, so he searched until he found one for sale in a small village.
Unfortunately, the pub was very old and the foundation was crooked. It would cost too much to fix. So the new owner decided to knock it down and build a new one.
He hired a bulldozer and cleared all the debris. Then he spent a lot of time hauling in dirt, building it up and leveling it for the new foundation.
Some village folks were out watching him work. "What is that bloke doing?" asked a passerby.
A villager replied,"He's razing the bar to a new level."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!
I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian) an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Green-lander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamian, a Belorussian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans all walk into a fine restaurant...
The maître d' scrutinizes the group one by one, and bars their entrance saying, "Sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Don't let your children watch big bands on TV.....there is too much sax and violins.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Moan.......
Those were great......where you been?
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Hear and their.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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So a B-flat, E-flat, and G-flat walk into a bar.
The bartender says,"Sorry I don't serve minors."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Is Dr. Kavorkian still alive? I need him after that last one.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Mel,
Thinking of adopting a child.
What color should I get?
Keep in mind my walls are eggshell and cinnamon
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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Please join me in remembering a great ICON of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, and three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Now that one I understood.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Larry Lobster and Sam Clam where best friends. They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest Lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good.
Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together.
Larry went to heaven and Sam went to hell.
Larry was doing well in heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, "Larry, you know you are the nicest clam we ever had up here. Everyone likes you but you seem to be a bit depressed.
Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help."
Larry said, "Well, don't get me wrong Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together and I really miss him a lot."
St. Peter looked at Larry with pity and said to him, "I tell you what, I can arrange it so that you can go down to hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day. How would that sound?"
This made Larry very happy and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to hell. When the doors opened he was met by Sam. The hugged each other and they were off. You see in Hell Sam owned a disco. The spent the day there together and had a great time. At the end of the day Larry and Sam went back to the elevator together said their goodbyes and Larry got back in the elevator and went up to heaven. He stepped off the elevator and was greeted by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven. He looked at Larry and said, "Larry Lobster, didn't you forget something?"
Larry looked around and said, "No, I don't think so I have my halo and my wings."
St. Peter looked at him and said, "Yes, but what about your harp?" Larry gasped and said, "I Left My Harp in Sam Clam's Disco."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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--------------------
God Bless our Troops!
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Quote:
Bubba said:
Double Bubbas's
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"
Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.
About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy (let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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foots
the exterminator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5241
Loc: by my spiritual advisor, Wu
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Standin in for Bubba on this one.........
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I was born kicking, screaming, and covered in someone elses blood. I have no problem goin out the same way.
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUE6Sl79rw8&feature=related
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dabs
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 5971242
Loc: New Money, USA
Current High Scores in:
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Quote:
foots said:
Standin in for Bubba on this one.........
Standin in for Mel here.........double on foots standing in for bubba's
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital.
At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury.
He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:
Fair fa’ yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain e’ the puddin’ race!
Aboon them a’ ye tak your place,
painch tripe or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o’ a grace
as lang’s my arm.
The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:
Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit.
This continues with the next patient:
Wee sleekit cow’rin tim’rous beastie,
O what a panic’s in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
wi’ bickering brattle.
I wad be laith to run and chase thee,
wi’ murdering prattle!”
“Well,” the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, “I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last.”
“Nay, nay,” the Scottish doctor corrected him,
“this is the Serious Burns unit.”
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Burrhead
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3075
Loc: Just north of Bugtussle
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Quote:
dabs said:
Quote:
foots said:
Standin in for Bubba on this one.........
Standin in for Mel here.........double on foots standing in for bubba's
Man, you guys just don't appreciate good humor.
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Somebody has to walk the point.
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foots
the exterminator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5241
Loc: by my spiritual advisor, Wu
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Quote:
Burrhead said:
Quote:
dabs said:
Quote:
foots said:
Standin in for Bubba on this one.........
Standin in for Mel here.........double on foots standing in for bubba's
Man, you guys just don't appreciate good humor.
Appearently!
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I was born kicking, screaming, and covered in someone elses blood. I have no problem goin out the same way.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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--------------------
God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got his pocket picked.
How could anyone stoop so low?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Scientific types will especially appreciate this one; it is pretty heavy scientific stuff...converting units:
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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--------------------
God Bless our Troops!
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foots
the exterminator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5241
Loc: by my spiritual advisor, Wu
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Somebody had to say it.
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I was born kicking, screaming, and covered in someone elses blood. I have no problem goin out the same way.
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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his is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:
A wife asks her husband,
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk,
And if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."
(I'm sure you're going back to read it again!)
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, an Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, an Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, an Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a very fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry," says the matre d', after scrutinizing the group...
"You can't come in here without a Thai."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Emotional black male.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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--------------------
God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Quote:
Bubba said:
Did that arouse you?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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foots
the exterminator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5241
Loc: by my spiritual advisor, Wu
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
I defer to you Bubba.
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I was born kicking, screaming, and covered in someone elses blood. I have no problem goin out the same way.
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Actually that is the one the was meant for !
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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foots
the exterminator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5241
Loc: by my spiritual advisor, Wu
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
That's a winner......finally!
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I was born kicking, screaming, and covered in someone elses blood. I have no problem goin out the same way.
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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You know what you call a couch potato's kids?..
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get ready for it.
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tater tots.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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ToTo.....
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God Bless our Troops!
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Burrhead
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3075
Loc: Just north of Bugtussle
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Bubba - I knew that deep down, even as much as you groan about the jokes, you really DO love this thread.
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Somebody has to walk the point.
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Quote:
Burrhead said:
Bubba - I knew that deep down, even as much as you groan about the jokes, you really DO love this thread.
It gets him strangely aroused. 
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Well then...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Oh , booooooooo....
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God Bless our Troops!
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dabs
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 5971242
Loc: New Money, USA
Current High Scores in:
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What did the fish say when it ran into the wall...
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Dam
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Burrhead
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3075
Loc: Just north of Bugtussle
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Hey Bubba - What say you?
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Somebody has to walk the point.
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foots
the exterminator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5241
Loc: by my spiritual advisor, Wu
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ninja bear.
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I was born kicking, screaming, and covered in someone elses blood. I have no problem goin out the same way.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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I got this one , boys,,,
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Burrhead
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3075
Loc: Just north of Bugtussle
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--------------------
Somebody has to walk the point.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Come on , Mannnnnn
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God Bless our Troops!
|
Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Quote:
Bubba said:
Come on , Mannnnnn
You mean that didn't strangely arouse you?
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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So this dog is headed home from work and sees a sign: Dog Show Today! He walks in and enters himself. Low and behold he wins first prize, which is a nice ribbon and some money.
He heads for home, but is deflected into his favorite bar, where he buys his friends some drinks, they buy him some, and a few hours later he arrives home to his wife and pups.
She says "You're drunk. Where have you been?"
He tells her the story, and she asks, "Where is the ribbon?"
"Oh my god, I left it at the bar and I'm too drunk to go back and get it. Send Pup."
So Pup goes into the bar and the bartender asks "What'll you have?"
The pup says,"Pap's blue ribbon."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
Edited by SwampFox (11/04/12 02:40 PM)
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Somebody? Anybody?
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God Bless our Troops!
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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SwampFox - not to pick a nit, but to be true to the PBR ad campaign and song it's "What'll you have?".
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Scout 1
New order Amish - not be confused with Meninite!
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6778
Loc: Where there are no ducks
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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels .
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and
mutters, 'Fork no...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Quote:
Ozark said:
SwampFox - not to pick a nit, but to be true to the PBR ad campaign and song it's "What'll you have?".
Correction made.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove...
A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related...
Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8....
I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency...
Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him
Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says
"I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."
After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.
Apparently she'd stood him up.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Sky news report.
The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya. They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement.
It was a mortar attack.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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That is sooooooooooo bad..........
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Quote:
Mel said:
That is sooooooooooo bad..........
No, it is wong on so many levels...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Looks like "HomeofToto"...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
Edited by SwampFox (12/11/12 01:58 PM)
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes.
They called it the herd shot round the world.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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A psychiatrist is doing his rounds with a couple of students. They look in on one patient, and the psychiatrist says to his students, "Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose-stepping, he thinks he's the World War II head of the Luftwaffe. What condition do you think he's suffering from?"
The first student replies, "Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple-personality disorder?"
The second student says, "No, surely he just doesn't know ...
... whether he's Carmen or Goering."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Stole dat.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Booooooooo
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God Bless our Troops!
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fish
senior member - literally
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 2464
Loc: Kingdom of Callaway
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Quote:
Bubba said:
Booooooooo
X2- Mods - Ban SF for at least an hour for that one
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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O works hard to bring you the best of the internet....
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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And still get no r e s p c t.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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fish
senior member - literally
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 2464
Loc: Kingdom of Callaway
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<groan>
R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it means to me. Areatha, circa 1967
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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One Thursday evening Mr. Smith was sitting in his favorite armchair, drinking a beer, and watching football, when he had this sudden urge to pass wind. This he duly did...'...phurpppHONDA!'
'Weird' thought Mr. Smith, but thought nothing of it, until 5 minutes later, when...
'...phurpppHONDA!'
At this he got worried. He rushed to the local hospital, and managed to get an appointment with an intestinal specialist.
"What seems to be the problem Mr. Smith?" asked the doctor.
"Well, whenever I pass wind, it seems to make a noise like a motorbike" replied Mr Smith.
"Could you possibly show me?' asked the doctor. Mr Smith duly obliged.
'...phurpppHONDA!'
"Bend over please Mr Smith, I'd like to examine you... (muffled) ah yes, I see your problem," said the doctor "you have an abscess on your backside. That would explain the strange noise."
Mr. Smith was lost for words. "How," he asked "could an abscess on my ass make a noise like that!?"
"Simple," replied the doctor..."Abscess makes the fart go Honda"
.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5208
Loc: uphill
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Now that's punny no matter who you are
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
12. PARADOX: Two physicians
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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We need a whole lot more of the SUDAFED!!!!
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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Quote:
Mel said:
We need a whole lot more of the SUDAFED!!!!
Nah, what everyone NEEDS is a whole lot LESS FEDS!
The guys at home sent this, trying to trick me into believing that they're out on the lake, already.
They're not.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5gybFkcc60&feature=youtu.be
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fireman
Reged: 06/28/06
Posts: 3
Loc: missouri
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Never posted in this room, but always read you alls jokes. thought I tell one.
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score.."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, Tie score.."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man replies "Half time, switch sides.
Edited by fireman (02/09/13 04:46 PM)
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Good one!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Boooooooo
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God Bless our Troops!
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Aren't you strangely aroused?
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Quote:
Mel said:
Aren't you strangely aroused?
Just his appetite.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Damn!
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.
In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.
To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "OH!! Limp pricks!"
Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into " Olympics".
Just thought I'd share this new found knowledge with you.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Personally , I don't believe that.
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Hater!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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So here’s the deal – We buy new shoes and take them to the animal shelter and let the dogs chew on them for a little while. At just the right time, they’ll remove the shoes, and for the prepaid donation, give them back to you. The chewed shoes will then be a mark of distinction for all to see.
The chewed shoes will be the coolest new style, and everyone will want to join in on the fad. You will wear them to Starbucks or the Orchestra, and flaunt your exquisite taste.
These shoes will be the talk of the town. Completely original, and appropriately named “Chattanooga Chewed Shoes.”
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I'm really enjoying my lasso classes, even though I got roped into it.
What do you call a ghost's mother and father? Transparents!
Why don't people live in toadstools? Cause there isn't mushroom.
What's a metaphor? For cows to graze on.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?...Nothing they just waved
If you want to know how many bees Noah had… check the Ark Hives
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Burrhead
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3075
Loc: Just north of Bugtussle
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
If you want to know how many bees Noah had… check the Ark Hives
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Somebody has to walk the point.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Goodun...
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God Bless our Troops!
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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I wouldn't want to cramp Bubba's style, but, those would arouse a lot of folks. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall.
As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: 'that's a little condescending.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Burrhead
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3075
Loc: Just north of Bugtussle
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Somebody has to walk the point.
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fish
senior member - literally
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 2464
Loc: Kingdom of Callaway
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SF Now that is truly a Mel quip
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from vegetarian club.
I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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JimDog
Freelance Gynecologist
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 208
Loc: Columbia
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I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5208
Loc: uphill
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punny stuff
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Oh , boo!
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Pahleeeeeeze! 
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I know. It sucks that he didn't use enough Nanas.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Dammit, still one short...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A farmer was milking his cow.
He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head.
Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear.
The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket.
It went in one ear and out the udder.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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I am absolutely humbled that my name has provoked over 150,000 hits on this thread. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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foots
the exterminator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5241
Loc: by my spiritual advisor, Wu
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Since Bubba is out of town, lemme just say in his absence.............
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I was born kicking, screaming, and covered in someone elses blood. I have no problem goin out the same way.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Quote:
Mel said:
I am absolutely humbled that my name has provoked over 150,000 hits on this thread. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Mel must have left the computer on again.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um...well. I have five penises," replies the man.
"Wow!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
“Like a glove."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5208
Loc: uphill
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um...well. I have five penises," replies the man.
"Wow!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
“Like a glove."
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halfasmuch
action hero
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4349
Loc: Upper Oakville
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THIS IS ACTUALLY JUST FOR RED BUT HOKEY ENUF FOR HERE
The trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order with the new waitress.
He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."
The brand new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs, sunny side up; and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, okay!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
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The difference between genius and stupidity
is that genius has its limits.
-Albert Einstein
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Not the worst one recorded on this thread.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Then try this...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Yes , that's about the worst!
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Awful...
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.
At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.
Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!".
The other replied, "No, it's not!".
The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.
To which the other man replied, "That's silly, you can't tell a brook by it's clover."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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I am pretty sure you made that one up....
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
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Some other idiot made it up.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
|
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
Some other idiot made it up.
Always room for another idiot on here.
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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|
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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BOO!!!! HISS!!!
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
|
DjF
little buddie
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 5410
Loc: staring at an empty mailbox...
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a Beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,
"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"
--------------------
somewhere between "Hi, how can we help you?" and "Get off my lawn!"
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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A stranger walks into a bar and orders a drink in a high, squeeky voice. The regulars in the bar get to razzing him and as a joke one of them slips outside and paints the dudes horse's balls green. Newcomer downs his drink and goes outside to leave. Moments later he's back in hollering, "Who's the dirty SOB that painted my horse's balls green?". A cowboy about 6 feet 5 inches tall and 250 pounds stands up and says, "I did. What about it?". Squeeky voice takes one look at the guy, gulps, and replies, "I was just going to tell you that I think it's time for another coat of paint".
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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--------------------
God Bless our Troops!
|
IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8066
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
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Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on two bar stools.
One of them says to the bartender, “Don’t mind us; we’re just joined at the hip. I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson drafts, please.”
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. “Been on holiday yet, lads?”
“Off to England next month,” says John. “We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don’t we, Jim?”
Jim nods.
“Ah, England!” says the bartender. “Wonderful country … the history, the beer, the culture …”
“Nah, we don’t like that British crap,” says John.“Hamburgers and Molson’s, that’s us, eh Jim? Besides, we can’t stand the English – they’re so arrogant and rude.”
“So why keep going back to England?” asks the bartender.
“It’s the only chance Jim ever gets to drive.”
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Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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A friend (well, possibly ex-friend now) told me a story on the way to fishing this week. He stretched it 'way out and made it last, and at the time I wondered where the heck he was going with all this:
-------------------------
Back in the day, you'll remember that the Brewers weren't Milwaukee's ball team - it was the Braves before they moved to Atlanta.
The Braves had a real, real important game coming up near the end of the 1958 season. They'd split two games with a visiting team (and I can't remember just what team that was), and the outcome of the third and last game would mean a lot to their standing in the League, as they still, just barely, had a shot at the Pennant.
The opposing team's best pitcher was a starter named Mel Famey and his manager had saved him for that last game. But - Mel foolishly let a bunch of the Braves players take him out drinking the night before the game. They got him drunk of course, on purpose, and Famey was dumb enough to let 'em do it.
Next day, he pitched anyway - with a terrible hangover and still half drunk. It was a disaster. Famey walked the first EIGHT batters before he was pulled from the game, and at the end of the first inning the score was 6-0 Braves. His team never overcame that lead, the Braves won the game, and this mistake was a career-ender. The unfortunate pitcher was demoted to the minors, and then within a year he was out of professional baseball.
The team has moved and years have passed, but still today in the Braves offices in Atlanta there's an old steel beer can that was saved from that night, displayed in a glass case along with a sign that says:
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
(wait for it)
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
THIS IS THE BEER THAT MADE MEL FAMEY WALK US.
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Burrhead
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3075
Loc: Just north of Bugtussle
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Both of'em
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Somebody has to walk the point.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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One of my great-grandpas was a full-blooded American Indian. He left the reservation to go to trade school, and he became an electrician. From then on he had plenty of work, because right then, in the early 20th century, all the rural areas of the country were getting electricity.
Still a young man, he returned home for a couple of weeks to visit his folks and the tribal chief asked him for a favor. A single electric line had been run out to the "rez" by the government, but power hadn't been brought to many of the buildings yet - including the public restroom at the tribal headquarters. Would he get some electric lights up and working in there, please?
He did it - and so he became the first guy to ever wire a head for a reservation.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Burrhead
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3075
Loc: Just north of Bugtussle
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--------------------
Somebody has to walk the point.
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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.......this heara thread? This ain't duck dynasty with a bunch of cohosts.
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Quote:
Mel said:
.......this heara thread? This ain't duck dynasty with a bunch of cohosts.
Dammit! I've been waiting for a couple of you boys to fess up.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8066
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
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Puns for those with a slightly higher IQ:
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will?
(It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts.
In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you'll get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
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Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A young man is taking his girlfriend to the prom.
He waits in a long line for the prom tickets but gets them.
He stands in line for an hour to rent the limo.
Even the florist is backed up but they have what he is looking for.
At the prom his date asked him to get her a glass of punch.
To his surprise, there is no punch line...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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boo
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God Bless our Troops!
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Burrhead
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3075
Loc: Just north of Bugtussle
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--------------------
Somebody has to walk the point.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!'
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
'What are you doing, Pierre?' says the startled Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!'
She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.'
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
'Pierre! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!'
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me much lower!'
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it on her. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously,
"PIERRE, WHAT THE "X?KS" DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, 'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down.....I go down in flames!'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Milt Famy was the greatest pitcher and some believed the greatest baseball player, period, who ever lived. He single-handedly pitched his team to the World Series, and they easily won the three games he was able to pitch in the Series. However, the other team won three games while Milt was resting. Now, in the 7th game of the World Series, Milt was again pitching.
The game was a 0-0 pitcher’s battle as Milt Famy walked out to the mound for the bottom of the 9th inning. Milt took the sign from the catcher, wound up and pitched. A ball. He quickly pitched three more balls and walked the first batter. A stir went through the crowd. Milt Famy rarely walked anyone, let alone on four pitches. The next batter came up, and Milt walked him on four pitches, too. Then two more batters. The game and the Series were lost! As the runner on third base crossed home plate with the winning run, he glanced out at the pitcher’s mound and saw a can of beer fall out the back pocket of Milt Famy’s uniform.
It was all too obvious what had happened. Milt Famy had been drinking between innings! The runner pointed to the beer and shouted out,
“That’s the beer that made Milt Famy walk us!”
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man walks into a nearly empty bar and orders a drink. He’s sitting alone at the end of the bar, sipping away, and he hears a voice.
“Nice shirt.”
He looks around and sees no one nearby. He forgets about it and continues drinking.
“Nice tie,” the voice says again.
He looks around a second time. The bartender and all other customers are at the other side of the room. Confused, the man calls the bartender over and asks about the mysterious voice that admired his clothing.
“Oh, that’s the peanuts,” the bartender said.
“The peanuts?” asked the man.
“Yeah, they’re complimentary.”
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Damn...
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Mama Vulture had a problem. Her beloved chick was constantly breaking her heart; getting into trouble. He would stray from the nest, fall in with a bad crowd of other avian ne’er-do-wells, and frequently need to be rescued by his mother, sometimes at great risk to herself. Her only pleasure in life was gathering food to nourish him. He was defiant and unappreciative of her efforts, often squawking and demanding, “Hey, you old buzzard! I’m starving! What’s for supper?” To which she would dutifully reply…
“Carrion, my wayward son.”
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5208
Loc: uphill
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*******groan**********
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JimDog
Freelance Gynecologist
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 208
Loc: Columbia
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I recently swallowed two pieces of string. They came out tied together after a couple of hours. Really! I chit you knot.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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My wife wants me to stop working on my flamingo impression.
I had to put my foot down.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Egypt is rebuilding the Suez canal to the tune of 8.5 billion.
Word is that they raised the money on a pyramid scheme.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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More likely from China. They seem to own everything else.
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A new term for certain jokes known as "Lesbionics"
1. What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.
3. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A Fur Traders.
4. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung
5. What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.
6. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker; the other's a crack snacker.
7. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 govt workers?
100 people that don't do Dick.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5208
Loc: uphill
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
7. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 govt workers?
100 people that don't do Dick.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Ethridge.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5208
Loc: uphill
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********groan********
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Do you know why most people don't eat clocks?
It's time consuming.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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My wife threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me.
It's OK though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I once went out with a girl who had fiery red hair and a pale, thin body.
I met her on Match.com
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.
This, of course, is the origin of the expression; "He who has a Tate's is lost!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Well , it's about damn time you posted again!
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God Bless our Troops!
|
wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5208
Loc: uphill
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Quote:
Bubba said:
Well , it's about damn time you posted again!
The joke forum is one of the reasons we don't shut this dump down-- not sure there is any back up anywhere but it would be a shame to lose it
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Sometime a couple of decades ago I actually attempted to print off the entire joke section to give to my friend....
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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It's hard to find new stuff after 2 decades.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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How do you dye wool?
Dunk-a-skein, Darling, dunk-a-skein..
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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This funeral home had this old beat up hearse that they wanted to get rid of, but had no luck selling it or trading it in so they thought to get rid of it another way and grab the insurance money instead.
They drove it down to the river, put it in neutral and pushed it into the water thinking it would disappear. To their horror, the vehicle just floated down the river.
I guess you can lead a hearse to water, but you can’t make it sink.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I've just started up a dating site for chickens.
It's not my main job.
I'm just doing it to make hens meet.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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--------------------
God Bless our Troops!
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I had a clock that only went “tick, tick, tick” so I took it to a German clock maker.
He fixed his steely stare on the clock and said, “We have ways to make you tock.”
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I'm starting a new restaurant that serves curry poured over french fries.
It will be called " Curry On My Wayward Spud."
And yes, there will be peas when you are done...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Did you hear about the X-Ray tech that married his patient?
Everyone wondered what he saw in her.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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I'm sorry but these jokes are even worse than the last time I was here. You can't make this stuff up. Fox you got waaaaaaayyyy too much time on your hands. LOL.
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I'm stuck at home waiting for a toe to heal. Well, half a toe.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I named my two dogs Rolex and Timex.
They are my watch dogs.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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not bad..
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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After a morning’s tour of the West End, seeking quarters suitable for the about-to-be-married Watson, he and Holmes returned to their familiar digs at 221B Baker Street.
“I must confess my disappointment,” Watson sighed. “Ella Fortescu advised us that Mary would prefer something spacious, but not roomy; something well-lighted but not too exposed; something — but what did she mean? What are we to look FOR?”
Holmes shrugged. “Ella meant airy, my dear Watson.”
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer, dead at 53. Over Barcelona today, the famed reindeer was hit by a flock of seagulls and a 747. Eyewitnesses report, that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5208
Loc: uphill
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
******groan*******
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I was planning to tell you a joke about time travel but you didn’t like it.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I want to file a lawsuit against U2.... but finding a lawyer is difficult. They either want too much money or, are pro bono.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Once there was a circus that was without a doubt the best circus in the world because it boasted the best lion tamer in the world.
He was spectacular, the lions would do whatever he said, the high point of course was that he would stick his head in a lion's mouth.
When the circus started losing money the owner started selling off animals and equipment to help meet expenses. He called the Lion Tamer into his office.
"I'd really like to keep you on, because you keep the circus going," the owner said. "But I've had to sell your lions because they cost too much to feed. Still, you're good, and we need you, so if you can come up with an act with what we have left, you've got a job."
"Well, I do need a job," the Lion Tamer said. "What animals do you have left?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," the owner said, "the only animal I have left is my faithful old Bassett hound. I'd never sell him!"
"I'll take him," said the Tamer.
So the Lion Tamer worked with the Basset hound and taught him the entire lion act. The dog caught on right away, but there was a problem: no way was the Lion Tamer's head going to fit into the dog's mouth.
"My foot will fit," the Lion Tamer said, so he tried it, and sure enough the dog picked that up too.
Opening night, the Lion Tamer did the act with the Basset hound, and the crowd loved it. They'd never seen anything like it before. At the end of the act, when the Lion Tamer put his foot into the dog's mouth, the crowd went wild.
"Encore, encore!" the crowd yelled.
Well, the Lion Tamer hadn't thought of an encore before, so he thought to himself, "If one foot is good, two is better."
So he stuck his other foot into the dog's mouth. Well, the two feet together are almost as big as the dog's head, so the dog was choking and gasping, and finally out of self-preservation, he clamped his jaws shut, biting off the Lion Tamer's legs at mid-calf.
And the moral of this story....?
Don't put all your legs in one Basset.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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God Bless our Troops!
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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OMG!!! Where in the world do you come up with stuff like this? LMAO!!!
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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That was three months ago. I can't remember that far back.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I was warned not to steal kitchen utensils.
It was a whisk I was willing to take.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I can't believe I was fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Get well Mel. If you have FB.. My FB page.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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As I age I think of the people I've lost along the way. Sometimes I think, "Maybe tour guide wasn't the right job for me."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Puns make me feel numb.
Math puns make me feel number.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.
We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about each other. Her dog's name was Daisy. My truck's name was Dodge Ram (I apologized for my lack of creativity). She was a CPA. I was a beekeeper.
And at this, she stumbled. "If we ever meet in real-life, I want you to know that I could never date a beekeeper." But we were still far away from that point, so it was moot.
But time went on, and we gradually became closer to that point. More personal information. What firm she worked for. Where my farm was. Names of relatives. Names of high schools. All the things that just come up in conversation eventually if you talk to someone long enough.
But, oddly, after all this time, neither of us had thought to send any pictures. Until one day I got a message from her: "I never thought I'd say this, but I really do want to meet you in person. I think we have a rare connection, and I don't want to squander it. I want to send you my picture, and I want you to send me yours, but I'm telling you, I can never date a beekeeper."
I couldn't imagine a life without my bees. But I also couldn't imagine a life without her. Tentatively, reluctantly, I clicked on the image attached to her message.
Then I saw her face. Now I'm a bee leaver.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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There was a line of 10 ants frantically running in a circle in my room. Being the kind hearted soul I am, I built a small house and put it in the circle. The ants changed course and all entered the house. I guess now I'm their land lord and they are my tenants.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I've created something with alphabet soup and a laxitive. I call it Letter Rip.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Before crowbars were invented most crows drank at home.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I developed a rash after receiving fluids at the hospital. The doctor said it was a poison IV.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Steamed a bucket of shellfish last night.
Strained myself getting them to the table.
Guess I pulled a mussel.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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If I hid firecracker
in your pancakes
would you blow
your stack?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I just saw some red-breasted birds outside enjoying the sun and selling ice cream.
I think they were basking robins.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Corona virus is turning me
into a democrat.
I'm staying home, complaining and waiting for a
government check.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Toilet paper alternative:
Spray Pam between your butt cheeks. The Poop won't stick.
Don't ask me how I know this...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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This is why the government won't tell the truth about UFO's.
You idiots would panic and buy up all the aluminum foil.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Justice is best served cold.
If it were served warm
it would be justwater.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.
So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the two kids walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy 's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?'
Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'
The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'
'That's just Shirley Goodnest, 'Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'
'Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us?
'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, ' Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess
I'll just have to get used to it!'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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This is an incredible story of perseverance and the reward of hard work. Please take a minute to read it.
An anthropologist decides to document all of the worlds dances of all the worlds indigenous peoples. He and his team spend years traveling the globe recording each of the worlds unique dances. One fateful evening while dining another patron over hears him describing his life’s work. The patron says “You must travel to the remotest part of the Australian outback and record the Putcher dance performed by only one isolated group of indigenous peoples”. The anthropologist is intrigued and after some research they travel to the Australian out back to find this obscure group. The anthropologist approaches the tribal leader, he describes his work to document the worlds dances and asks if he can record the “Putcher Dance”. The tribal leader is excited “Yes we would be honored for you to record the Putcher dance but we only perform it once a year and we did it just yesterday, you will have to come back next year a day earlier”. The anthropologist is deflated but agrees. A year later the anthropologist arrives with his team and finds the tribal leader “I am here for the Putcher dance am I in time?” And the tribal leader says “oh yes we are excited to have you we are just about to begin”. The anthropologist and his team set up their cameras and recording equipment. Finally the last of all the worlds dances will have been recorded and the lifetime project will be complete. The people of the village gather in a huge circle. The cameras are rolling. The tribal leader steps to the center of the circle and raises his hands, gives a confidant nod to the cameras and he begins “You Putcher left foot in, you Putcher left foot out, you Putcher left foot in and you shake it all about.....”
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I went to the library to get a medical book to help me diagnose some abdominal pain....
But somebody had ripped the appendix out... 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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What sign does Albert Einstein hang on the door of his office when he leaves?
Gone Fission.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I got chatting to this woman at the bus-stop this morning and she told me that people call her Vivaldi.
I asked her: “Is that because you’re a brilliant violinist?"
She said: “No, it’s because my name is Viv and I work at Aldi.“
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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My American friend asked me if I had ever been abroad?
I said: "No, I've always been a fella!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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