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STTH
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irishman
      #18953 - 01/28/06 06:19 PM

An Irishman's daughter had not been home for over 6 years.

Upon her return, her father berated her; "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family! I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this fur coat, title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a savings account certificate for $2 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex and for you, Daddy, the brand new Ford King Ranch Pickup truck that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Duck Club...(takes a breath)...plus an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

The girl, crying again said, "a prostitute, Dad!"

"Oh! Sweet Jesus! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"

--------------------


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SwampFoxModerator
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Re: irishman [Re: STTH]
      #21266 - 02/04/06 03:53 PM

Three young English lads walk into an Irish pub one slow afternoon. The only patron is an old Irishman sitting at the bar.

The young Englishmen ( not really bad types but wanting a bit of fun) decide among themselves to see how deadly an insult they can deliver about the patron saint of Ireland that will get the old Irishman angry.

The first Englishman approaches the old Irishman and says: " I hear that St. Patrick was a faggot". The old Irishman says:" Ye don't say!". The Englishman walks back to the table and is perplexed.

The second Englishman tells his companions. "Let me try. I know how to get the old boy really angry".

The second young Englishman approaches and says to the old Irishman: " I hear that St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot". The old Irishman replies:" Ye don't say!".

The second young Englishman says there is no way to get the old Irishman mad. The third young Englishman says that they just don't know how to really make the Irish mad. "Watch me", he says and goes up to the old Irishman.

The third Englishman says: " I hear that St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!"

The old Irishman says: " Yes, that's what your friends have been saying!"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #21434 - 02/05/06 06:33 PM

( In the Republic of Ireland, the "Garda" is the police)
A Scot is touring by car in the Republic of Ireland. He has a head on collision with a car driven by an Irishman.

Both cars are totally wrecked but the drivers are unharmed. The Scot and the Irishman get out of their cars, slightly dazed but each feels that they have miraculously escaped death.

Both approach each other and the Irishman says: "It's the grace o God that we are alive!. That means something!. The Lord wants us to be friends!".

The Scot agrees and they both shake hands. The Irishman says: " It's a good sign too that my bottle of 12 year old Glenlivet,because I hate Irish whisky, is safe and I say we should drink on it!".

The Scot, of course, is pleased to see an Irishman have some sense about whisky and says: " Pour away!"

The Irishman apologizes for the lack of glasses and hands the Scot the bottle of Glenlivet. The Scot proceeds to swig off half the bottle. Pausing for breath, he goes to hand the bottle back to the Irishman.

The Irishman says: " No, I'll wait until the Garda get here for their investigation".

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #21725 - 02/06/06 06:56 PM

A woman is in bed with her lover. She has just been telling him how stupid her Irish husband is.

Suddenly the door is thrown open and there stands the outraged husband who shouts: " What are you doing?"

The wife says to her lover: " See, what did I tell you?"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #21726 - 02/06/06 06:57 PM

The Irishman is being interviewed by the international press and TV media. He tells them that they are simply exaggerating the alleged level of violence in Northern Ireland. There isn't any real violence at all, according to him.

The Irishman makes an impressive appearance of sincerity and the international media is impressed with him. Finally, one reporter speaks up: "You are obviously a man of sincerity and I think we all believe you. Now, just to get some background information on who you are, would you mind telling us what you do for a living?"

The Irishman smiles and says: " Not at all. I'm a tail gunner on a milk lorry".

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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IIFID
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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #21892 - 02/07/06 12:34 PM

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me.
If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

--------------------
Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”





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IIFID
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Re: irishman [Re: IIFID]
      #21893 - 02/07/06 12:34 PM

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

--------------------
Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”





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IIFID
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Re: irishman [Re: IIFID]
      #21894 - 02/07/06 12:35 PM

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

--------------------
Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”





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IIFID
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Re: irishman [Re: IIFID]
      #21895 - 02/07/06 12:35 PM

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

--------------------
Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”





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IIFID
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Re: irishman [Re: IIFID]
      #21896 - 02/07/06 12:36 PM

Walking into the bar, Sean said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

Oh yeah?"said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Sean replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-bigolestinkyturd!"

--------------------
Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”





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SwampFoxModerator
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Re: irishman [Re: IIFID]
      #23878 - 02/11/06 10:35 PM

A guy manages to navigate his way up to the bar. As he sits down, he hears an Irish accent from the guy next to him. He asks: "Where in Ireland are ye from?" The other man replies: " "Roscommon". The first guy is interested and orders double whiskies for himself and his new acquaintance. He says: " So am I !. Whereabouts in Roscommon?" The other man says: " Near Ballyfarnum". Now the first guy is astonished and orders another round of doubles. He says: " That' where I'm from,too! What school did ye go to?" The other replies: " St.Mary's and I graduated in 1982". Now the first guy almost falls off his stool at this amazing coincidence! He hails his new found friend and orders another round of doubles. The two men toast each other.

At this point a regular walks in and seats himself and asks the bartender: " What's new?"

The bartender says: " Nothing much. The O'Malley twins are drunk again".

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #25981 - 02/20/06 12:19 AM

An Irishwoman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor. Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!".
"Really? What happened" asked the doctor?
Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"? "Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #26574 - 02/22/06 08:36 PM

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Mel
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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #26601 - 02/22/06 10:54 PM

The French lose out on free rations once again.

--------------------
Member DU, Delta

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy


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Re: irishman [Re: Mel]
      #27777 - 02/28/06 02:33 PM

Real ads from Scottish lonely-hearts columns
*****************************************

Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble s*xpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion.
Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08

Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered.
Box06/03

Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous s*x addict interested in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning.
Box 73/82.

Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by long-time fianc? seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced b*tches.
Box 53/41

Ginger-haired Partick troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
Box84/87

Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes,seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey.
Strong stomach essential.
Box 12/32

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions.
References required. No timewasters.
Box 23/45

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old b*stard living in a damp cottage in the ar*e end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big ch*st.
Box 40/27

Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Box 52/07

Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Framptons Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!
Box 30/41

Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #27786 - 02/28/06 02:56 PM

Sandy was delivering his lecture to the tourists as he drove the tour bus through central Scotland.

" Here we hammered the English at Bannockburn. Aye! they were no match for we Scots!"

" Here we defeated the murderous redcoats!"

" Here we upheld the honor of Scotland and routed the cowardly English!"

Finally, an English tourist, somewhat upset by this slightly one sided narrative of history, spoke up and asked: " Surely the English won some fights with the Scots?"

Sandy glares and says: " Not while I'm driving this bus!"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #27790 - 02/28/06 02:58 PM

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."



Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.


"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"



Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus,'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #28894 - 03/06/06 01:43 AM

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church where she had always attended as a child.

In the confessional, Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.

She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, "Will you jus' look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #28895 - 03/06/06 01:54 AM

One day a Scotsman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over 10 years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wetsuit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" Ten years," replies the Scot. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Achh, that is splendid!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good malt scotch?" she purrs. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Oh by God, it's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wetsuit. She looks at the man and asks huskily, "And how long has it been since you've played around? With tears in his eyes, the big Scot falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #31086 - 03/15/06 12:48 AM

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #31341 - 03/16/06 05:50 AM

Rules and Regs for Rookie St. Patty's Day Partiers

The following is a useful guide for rookie St. Patty's Day partiers. If this is the first time you will be celebrating St. Patrick's Day with someone with Irish roots, I advise you to read this carefully.

Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 9 a.m.

Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and liberally use aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders afterwards, because by 3 p.m. you will be excreting raw alcohol and other poisons, and without proper preparations, you will smell like a three-day dead cat wrapped in a fraternity carpet.
The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare. Collect the following supplies and put them in a place where you will easily be able to find it in an impaired condition. We recommend the bathroom floor, between the toilet and the baseboard heater, since that's where you'll probably end up:
* 1 quart spring water
* 1 bottle aspirin
* 5 pairs Depends undergarment
* 1 bottle Percocet
* 1 gram morphine sulphate
* 1 oz. human adrenaline extract
* 1 precharged electric defibrillator
* 4 Cardiac needles * 1 trauma surgeon Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson Irish whiskey, drink.
Note that coffee should be drunk liberally throughout the day. There is a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you ingest a large volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course of St. Patrick's Day, you are going to die. Arrange to be picked up and taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot stress enough that you should not drink and drive. There is no reason to chance losing your license or killing someone in a drunken state when you have plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk on your behalf.

Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m.

Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this is an Irish bar if at all possible. An Irish bar in Boston is the best alternative, since Boston in Gaelic means West Kilarney. However, almost every city in America has bars called The Blarney Stone, McSomethings, or The Dirty Mick. Just try to ignore the fact that the bar is probably owned by Koreans.
Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any circumstances. The bar is liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish people do not wait in line for drinks, no matter what the consequences. While we do recommend the use of an adult undergarment to mask unpleasant smells, it really doesn't matter. By afternoon, you'll be sopping wet with spilled beer anyway, and your mild urine smell will be completely overpowered by the toxic stench of vomit. We recommend starting out with a few more Irish Coffees to spike the stimulant level, however, you should not order an "Irish Coffee," as you will be given a fruity little glass mug topped with whipped cream and a cherry, and some guy named Seamus will call you a yuppie poseur while putting a cigarette out on your neck. Ask for coffee with whiskey and ask the bartender to leave the whipped cream can, as nothing will add spice to your day like the occasional whippet.

Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.

It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's important to eat something, because like Sheriff Bart said in Blazing Saddles:" Man drink like that, and don't eat, he is going to die." If you want to maintain your buzz and not get that hideous, bloated feeling that could slow down your drinking, there are only two options: popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both have the carbohydrates you'll need to give you energy, both will soak up excess bile in your stomach, and both have names that are hard to slur.
If you start slurring your words too early, you'll hear the most frightening phrase in the English language on St. Patrick's Day besides I'm pregnant: "You're cut off". By now, you should switch off of coffee drinks to beer. You have only one option here: Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order green beer, but remember: beer doesn't always turn green because of food coloring.

Leg 4: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m.

By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people take long lunches and bail out of work early to tie one on. If you're doing your job correctly, the bar should look twice or three times as crowded as it really is. By now, you may be in conversation with some real Irish people, since the person you came with has likely been taken away by ambulance. Some conversational points to remember when talking to the Irish are: Football really means Soccer, and you should be more passionate about it than you are about your wife or husband, AND The English are all pi$$-arsed, pig-f---ing bastards who should be lined up and kicked into the Liffey. If you remember those two points, as well at least three derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the Irish for hours. You should continue to drink Guinness throughout this leg, although you may want to have another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has become irregular.

The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing

Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to leave the bar at closing time. This will be impossible, since a blood alcohol content of .50 usually equals death, and you should be pushing a .35 or .40 by now.
The only way for a true Irishman to leave a bar before closing time with honor is to be hauled away by the police. Throw a punch. It doesn't matter who you hit or why; no one's made any sense since 3 o'clock, anyway. You will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor control has been gone since the late morning, but it doesn't matter since you can't feel anything. Depending on your community, the police should arrive within fifteen minutes to scrape you off the floor and clap you in irons. The final impression you leave is the most important: as you are being dragged from the bar, begin screaming that you want to take your drink with you. You will be a legend, and by now the friend who took you to the bar should have had his or her stomach pumped, and will be able to bail you out.
By following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick's Day experience would be one you would never forget if it weren't physically and biologically impossible for you to remember any of it.
Tune in next month for our next self- help guide: The Pros and Cons of Waking Up Naked In a Dumpster.

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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #31647 - 03/17/06 10:46 AM

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!


John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the
best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the
pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."


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Re: irishman [Re: MB2]
      #31666 - 03/17/06 11:33 AM

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #33348 - 03/26/06 03:36 AM

Well a scotsman in a kilt left the pub one evening fair,
and one could tell by how he walked that he drunk more then his share,
he fumbled 'round 'til he could no longer keep his feet,
then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street,

About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by,
and one said to the other with a twinkle in her eye,
"see that sleeping scotsman, so strong and handsome built,
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneith the kilt,"

They crept up on that scotsman,
quiet as could be,
lifted up his kilt 'bout an inch so they could see,
and underneith his kilt was nothing more then God had graced him with amoung his birth,

They marveled for a moment then one said "we must be gone,
lets leave a present for our friend befor we move along",
as a gift they left a blue silk ribon tied into a bow,
around the bonnie star the scots kilt did lift and show,

Now the scotsman woke to natures call and stumbles towards the trees,
behind the bush he lifts his kilt and starres at what he sees,
and in a startled voice he says "to whats befor my eyes,
oh lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize".

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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #35801 - 04/08/06 09:41 PM

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."

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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #35807 - 04/08/06 09:57 PM

Two drunks coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark.
"Faith, Mike, we've stumbled into the graveyard and here's the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!" "Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?"
"No, 'twas someone named 'Miles from Dublin'!"

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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #36213 - 04/12/06 01:02 AM

Paddy is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.
Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop.
The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing.
Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says: "Fer crissakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"

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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #37185 - 04/19/06 01:11 AM

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying -
Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."

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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #39811 - 05/08/06 03:10 PM

An Irishman is strolling along a beach when he finds a bottle. Out of curiosity he picks it up, unscrews the cap and out pops a genie.

The genie grants the Irishman the traditional three wishes.

The Irishman says: " For my first wish, I want a pint of Guinesses'Stout".

Poof! There is a bottle of stout in the Irishman's hand. He drains it off and is about to heave the empty bottle into the ocean when the genie calls out: " STOP"


The genie tells the Irishman that he should keep this bottle -because it will never get empty, no matter how often he drains the bottle.

The genie now says to the Irishman: " "What do you want for your other two wishes?"

The Irishman says: " I'll be having two more of these".

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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #43143 - 06/03/06 06:18 PM

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer and you'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walk into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting.

"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told his friends they were drinking to his impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

"The friends gave O'Malley their condolences and they had a couple of more beers.

After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #52192 - 08/11/06 02:19 PM

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy.

The curator of the gallery realized that the couple were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted the picture," he replied. "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #52305 - 08/12/06 02:01 AM

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the chit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, 'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, 'OK.'

'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'

'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'

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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #74891 - 12/25/06 06:43 PM

Test

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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #74897 - 12/25/06 07:01 PM

Slow day today, huh?

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Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy


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Re: irishman [Re: Mel]
      #85999 - 02/24/07 01:38 AM

The test was demonstrating that some joke threads don't show up as active topics.

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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #86056 - 02/24/07 07:52 PM

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do somethin' for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #88211 - 03/13/07 08:25 PM

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #88736 - 03/16/07 08:20 PM

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #90007 - 03/25/07 07:28 AM

Sister Colleen went into the grog shop and bought a quart of whisky from Murphy, the proprietor. "'Tis for Mother Superior," she said, "for her constipation."

Later that afternoon as Murphy made his way home he found Sister Colleen sitting on a park bench singing away, empty bottle beside her and obviously drunk out of her tree. "Sister Colleen," he said with a shock, "I thought you said the grog was for Mother Superior's constipation?"

"Aye," said Sister Colleen, "and won't she be shittin' when she sees me?"

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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #90008 - 03/25/07 07:29 AM

Irish Mastermind Champion

Seamus O Brien had been hailed the most intelligent Irish man for three years running. He had topped such shows as Larry Gogans 'Just a Minute Quiz' and 'Quicksilver' (before Bunny Carrs demise). It was suggested by the Irish Mensa board that he should enter into the English Mastermind Championships. He Did, and won a place. On they evening of the competition, Seamus enters from the crowd and placed himself on the Leather Seat and made himself comfortable. The lights dimmed and a spot light pointed at his face.

Magnus said "Seamus, What Subject are you studying?." Seamus responded, "Irish History". Very well said Magnus, Your first Question,

"In what year did the 'Easter Rising take Place?'

Seamus responds .."Pass"

OK said Magnus, "Who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?",

Seamus Responds .."Pass"

OK said Magnus, How long did the Easter Rising Last?"

Seamus Responds.. "Pass"

Instantly, a voice shout from the Crowd, "Good Man Seamus....Tell the English Nothing...."

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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #90140 - 03/26/07 01:54 PM

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman too , picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!!"

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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #95708 - 05/06/07 01:54 PM

Bagpipes-(noun)-I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig.
-Alfred Hitchcock

Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?
A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]

Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.

Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.

Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.

Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.

Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.

Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.

Q. What does a bagpiper wear under his kilt?
A. Shoes and socks.

Q. Why do they call it a "kilt"?
A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.

Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.

Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

Q. What's the difference between a bagpiper and a frog?
A. The frog might be getting a gig.

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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #95992 - 05/08/07 01:09 PM

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because, after a while, the sound of a zipper spooks the sheep.

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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #95999 - 05/08/07 01:26 PM

At a U2 concert in Ireland , Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience for some quiet. Then he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone.... "I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from the front of the audience yells out...."Then fookin stop clapping, ya arsehole!"

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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #108232 - 08/09/07 01:33 PM

"Ya'know," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.

In Glasgow, there's a little bar called Mc Tavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy the third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhhh, that's nuthin'," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment ya set foot in the place they buy ya a drink, then another, all the drinks ya like. Then when ya've had enough drinks they'll take ya upstairs and see that ya get laid, and it's all on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true. "Well," said the Englishman, "did
this actually happen to you?"

"Not me, meself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."

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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #144509 - 03/10/08 03:21 PM

Paddy was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard.
As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive!
They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead.
They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again"

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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #179586 - 03/14/09 11:22 PM

St. Patricks Day is an excuse for the rest of the world to party and fight and get drunk.

To the Irish, its just Tuesday.

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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #179789 - 03/17/09 12:54 AM

On the t*ts of a barmaid named Gayle,

Were tattooed prices of beer, stout, and Ale,

And on her behind,

For the sake of the blind,

Was precisely the same, but in Braille.

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Re: irishman [Re: SwampFox]
      #214738 - 03/09/11 12:40 PM


Paddy's Not At Worik Today

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Twitchet [Re: SwampFox]
      #214742 - 03/09/11 03:34 PM

Thanks for posting that. I sent the link to Paddy's Sick Note to most everyone I know.

P. Diddy (Paul Dallas) has me reading a book about the Ozarks - "Home Grown Stories & Home Fried Lies" by Mitch Jayne. If you want to read something that's fun all the way through, I'd recommend that you get it. Here's a typical story from the book:

Old Man Wickard's Story about how he married Myrtle.

Old man Wickard was a neighbor of mine during one of the few times I lived in town and he had this nice wife Myrtle who looked like everybody's grandma.

"Well, I was runnin' moonshine whiskey, over in Indiany" he told me one night, "and me and this other feller had took a couple of girls along for the company. Had a trunk load of Kentucky whiskey and was taking it to Terry-Haute, you see. Had to keep to the back roads dodging the laws and never went near no towns or nothing.

Well, we was having a big old time drinking, you know, filling those girls up with big lies and moonshine and finally we had to stop because all of us had to pee. Well, the other girl she went over to the ditch and squatted, but Myrtle, my girl, she just stood up there with us two men, just like a little rooster, you know.

I says 'Myrtle what are you a-doing?' and she jist reached down and grabbed hold of her twitchet some way and kind of corked her leg up and p!ssed plumb over three strands of bob wire fence. I'd never seen anything like it in my life. So then we went on to Terry-Haute and got married."

The author says he was never able to look at Myrtle quite the same way again.


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Re: Twitchet [Re: Ozark]
      #214743 - 03/09/11 04:01 PM

Saw a t-shirt at the F&F last month

"so an irishman walks out of a bar...don't laugh,it could happen"


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Re: Twitchet [Re: cook]
      #214744 - 03/09/11 04:08 PM

Quote:

cook said:
Saw a t-shirt at the F&F last month

"so an irishman walks out of a bar...don't laugh,it could happen"






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Re: Twitchet [Re: SwampFox]
      #214961 - 03/15/11 04:47 AM

Quote:

SwampFox said:
Quote:

cook said:
Saw a t-shirt at the F&F last month

"so an irishman walks out of a bar...don't laugh,it could happen"









Duck Me Runnin - 19 February 2011

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Re: Twitchet [Re: Burrhead]
      #214962 - 03/15/11 05:21 AM

DMR is 1 of a kind,like most of ya'll!!

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Re: Twitchet [Re: cook]
      #236742 - 03/13/13 01:43 PM



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Re: Twitchet [Re: SwampFox]
      #236747 - 03/13/13 06:19 PM



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Re: Twitchet [Re: Bubba]
      #236778 - 03/16/13 09:00 AM



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Re: Twitchet [Re: SwampFox]
      #236795 - 03/17/13 02:29 PM

Pat was wheeling his half black baby boy in his carriage when he comes across Father O'Malley.

Father peers down in the carriage and proclaims,"Ah Patrick a fine looking son. What is his name?"

Pat replies,"Dancer."

"DANCER!" the priest hollers, "What kind of name is that? Why did you not name him a good Irish name like your own name Patrick or Sean or Micheal?"

Pat replied back,"Well Father what else would you call an Irish Jig?"

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Re: Twitchet [Re: SwampFox]
      #236797 - 03/17/13 02:59 PM



--------------------
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Re: Twitchet [Re: Bubba]
      #247994 - 02/23/15 10:54 AM

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of a local pub.

An old Irish man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' replied the old man.

'Poor old bugger' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,
‘And how many have you caught?
'
'You're the eighth.'

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Airplane Drink [Re: SwampFox]
      #248017 - 02/26/15 02:17 PM

Subject: I'll Have What He's Having

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The Flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

--------------------
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Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy


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Re: Airplane Drink [Re: Mel]
      #248250 - 03/17/15 12:32 AM

Paddy just got from his mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.

It was a lovely service.

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Re: Airplane Drink [Re: SwampFox]
      #248251 - 03/17/15 12:42 AM

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.

Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

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Re: Airplane Drink [Re: SwampFox]
      #248252 - 03/17/15 04:57 AM

Must St Paddy's Day

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Re: Airplane Drink [Re: wuchang]
      #248253 - 03/17/15 06:26 AM

Thought I'd bring it to the top in case any of you drunken sobs need the material.

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Re: Airplane Drink [Re: SwampFox]
      #249071 - 06/09/15 01:14 PM

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It's smells absolutely incredible!"

Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought,
"What the heck..., I'll give her a treat!"

So, they walked past it again...

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Re: Airplane Drink [Re: SwampFox]
      #251730 - 02/08/16 08:12 PM

The tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farmhouse to ask if he could be put up for the night. 'Well, we're a mite crowded, since there's already someone in the spare room,' replied the farmer.

'But I guess you can stay if you don't mind sharing the bed with a red haired schoolteacher.'

'Look,' said the tourist, 'I want you to know I'm a gentleman.'

'Well,' mused the farmer, 'as far as I can tell, so is the red haired schoolteacher.'

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Re: Airplane Drink [Re: SwampFox]
      #256841 - 03/12/18 07:09 PM

Topsies...

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Re: Airplane Drink [Re: SwampFox]
      #258638 - 02/02/19 12:19 AM

An Irish man was approached by a lady of the night.
She asked if he would like to sleep with her for $100.
He says,"I'm not tired but I could use the money."

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Re: Airplane Drink [Re: SwampFox]
      #258859 - 03/08/19 07:24 AM

May the wind at your back
not be the result of
the corned beef and cabbage
you had for supper.

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Re: Airplane Drink [Re: SwampFox]
      #258860 - 03/08/19 09:06 AM



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Re: Airplane Drink [Re: wuchang]
      #258867 - 03/11/19 06:22 PM

Strong Irishmen don't put others down.
They lift them up and slam them on the ground.

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Re: Airplane Drink [Re: SwampFox]
      #258870 - 03/12/19 05:56 PM

All my life I thought I was Irish.

Thanks to Family Tree DNA I know I'm just a drunk.

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Re: Airplane Drink [Re: SwampFox]
      #258904 - 03/16/19 02:59 PM

St. Patrick's Day tip: Clean your toilet now.

Tomorrow you may be face down in it.

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Re: Airplane Drink [Re: SwampFox]
      #258908 - 03/16/19 06:44 PM

What's Irish and sits on the deck?

Patty O'Furniture.

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Re: Airplane Drink [Re: SwampFox]
      #258910 - 03/16/19 09:29 PM

Never iron a 4 leaf clover.

No need to press your luck.

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Re: Airplane Drink [Re: SwampFox]
      #259033 - 03/30/19 12:30 PM

My grandfather, who hadn't been to Ireland in 25 years, took my parents with him for a visit.
When they walked into his favorite pub some guy at the bar glanced in the mirror and said,"My God, He's back."

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Re: Airplane Drink [Re: SwampFox]
      #259164 - 04/21/19 10:21 AM

Tourist in Ireland: Why is it that every time I ask an Irishman a question he answers with another question?

Irishman: Who told you that?

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Re: Airplane Drink [Re: SwampFox]
      #259392 - 05/19/19 11:01 AM

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman find a wizard on top of a tall cliff.
The wizard orders them to jump off the cliff but he also says that if they say anything while falling, they'll find that very thing at the bottom.
The Englishman goes first and shouts, "Pillows!" and lands on a soft pile of pillows.
Emboldened, the Scotsman jumps and shouts, "Hay!" and comes to rest of a giant pile of hay.
Finally, the Irish runs to jump off the cliff, but he trips on a rock just before the jump and shouts, "Aw crap!"

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Re: Airplane Drink [Re: SwampFox]
      #259741 - 06/19/19 08:48 PM

Pat and Kevin were having a couple of pints and talking about how the world was different and the changing sexual mores.

Pat said,"I didn't sleep with my wife before I married her. How about you?"

Kevin replied,"I'm not sure. What was her maiden name."

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Re: Airplane Drink [Re: SwampFox]
      #259962 - 07/25/19 11:25 AM

So I've know you for a long time Sean O'Malley.
I have just one question, did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

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Re: Airplane Drink [Re: SwampFox]
      #261249 - 03/06/20 05:34 AM

The Secret Untold History St. Patrick

St. Patrick’s Day celebrates the life of St. Reginald Patrick (Reggie for short) who is known for driving the snakes out of Ireland. Twentieth century historians have disputed this claim, however, arguing that instead of driving the snakes, he merely purchased them bus tickets. Modern historians, however, scoff at this claim, noting that only lizards were allowed on public transportation in those days.

Nevertheless, St. Patrick is credited for the absence of all reptiles on the Emerald Isle. Some assert that the reason for the absence of snakes in Ireland might just be that the climate is inhospitable for reptiles, but others dismiss these claims as the ravings of environmentalist whackos.

But the real question remains. Why were not only the snakes banished from Ireland, but all the other reptiles as well? Some have advanced the theory that after the snakes left, the other reptiles perceived Ireland as “uncool” and left in pursuit of warmer climes. Others maintain that lizards still live there in secret, waiting for the day when they will rise again.

After delivering Ireland from the snakes, Reggie Patrick was offered knighthood but humbly declined, stating that he would rather take a shot at sainthood instead.

It’s surprising that Reggie became the more famous of the Patrick boys. His older brother, Howard, was the better looking of the boys, excelling in both academics and athletics. He was known to constantly torment his younger brother, giving him countless noogies as well as the occasional wedgie.

Young Reggie was to have his revenge when they became adults, though, finding endless ways to bring up his sainthood in casual conversation at family gatherings.

An interesting historical footnote: The youngest Patrick boy, Chuck, enjoyed a brief though tragic fame as the inventor of alligator orthodontics.

So this St. Patrick’s Day I suggest you celebrate by giving a snake a ride. At the very least give someone a noogie and think kind thoughts of Reggie, Howard, and poor Chuck Patrick.

www.charlesmarshall.net

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Re: Airplane Drink [Re: SwampFox]
      #261770 - 05/15/20 09:29 AM

An Irish Miracle

Ed Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes. He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy "Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a miracle . But wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round to interview you, take photos, etc."
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared.
There is great excitement in the town as Everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe.
Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"

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Re: Airplane Drink [Re: SwampFox]
      #262688 - 03/05/21 10:25 AM

Three Irishmen, Mick, Tat and Pat, walked into a pub.
The barman says,"You look like brothers."
"We are." says Mick. "Triplets"
"If you are triplets why are 2 of you 6 feet tall and the other only 4 feet?"
"Me and Pat were breastfed. There was no tit for Tat."

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Re: Airplane Drink [Re: SwampFox]
      #262689 - 03/05/21 03:48 PM

An Irish man came home to find his wife in bed with another man.
After tossing him out the window he turned to her and ask,"How many men have you slept with?"
She looked him in the eye and said, "None, They kept me awake."

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irish [Re: SwampFox]
      #262706 - 03/14/21 02:01 PM

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a traditional Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "Hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?", asks the attendant.
"They're called tees", replies Tiger.
"Well, what on God's earth are dey for?", inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Jaysus, Joseph, and Mary", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"

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67Firebird
Former political advocate
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Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 9162
Loc: Russellville, Mo

Re: irish [Re: SwampFox]
      #262847 - 06/01/21 10:21 PM

“May those who love us, love us;
And for those who don't love us
May God turn their hearts;
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
May He turn their ankles,
So we will know them by their limping.”

- Old Irish Curse


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