SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: - $1.50.
Chicken Sandwich: - $2.50.
Hand Job: - $10.00.
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am"
The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a Cheese Sandwich!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse.
She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Hell, no," replies the old lady.
"I want four times in the rocking chair!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money.
She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!)
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven ... which part of your body goes first?"
Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?"
Suzie replied, "... Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!"
"What a wonderful answer!" the Nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs".
The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'O God, I'm coming!'
If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her."
The Nun fainted ...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out.
Waiting the little boy gets bored, and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.
"Get your hand out of There! "she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.
For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.
When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action.
After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.
"Hell no," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"
"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there."
"Yes, there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."
No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."
"No I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."
The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Beer vs. Poon-Tang
Finally, the truth is calculated and cannot be disputed.
Beer is always wet.
Poon-Tang needs encouragement.
Winner: Beer
Beer tastes horrible served hot.
Poon-Tang tastes better served hot.
Winner: Poon-Tang
Having an ice cold Beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold Poon-Tang makes you Hillary Clinton.
Winner: Beer
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Poon-Tang does not.
Winner: None
If you get a hair in your teeth consuming Poon-Tang, you are not disgusted.
Winner: Poon-Tang
Twenty-four Beers come in a box.
Poon-Tang is a box you can come in.
Winner: Poon-Tang
Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Winner: Poon-Tang
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Winner: Beer
If you come home smelling like Beer, your lady may get mad.
If you come home smelling like Poon-Tang, she will definitely get mad.
Winner: Beer
Six Beers in a night and you better not drive.
Six Poon-Tangs in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Winner: Poon-Tang
Buy too much Beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much Poon-Tang and you will get poor.
Winner: None
It is socially acceptable to have a Beer in the stands at a football game.
Getting Poon-Tang in the stands at a football game makes you a legend.
Winner: Poon-Tang
If a cop smells Beer on your breath, you get a arrested..
If a cop smells Poon-Tang on your breath, you get a high-five.
Winner: Poon-Tang
With Beer, bigger is better.
Winner: Beer
Wearing a condom does not make Beer any less enjoyable.
Winner: Beer
Poon-Tang makes you see God.
Beer makes you see the porcelain God.
Winner: Poon-Tang
If you think all day about your next Poon-Tang you are normal.
If you think all day about your next Beer you are an alcoholic.
Winner: Poon-Tang
Peeling labels off of Beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of Poon-Tang is more fun.
Winner: Poon-Tang
Snagging Beer at work gets you fired.
Snagging Poon-Tang at work gets you charged with sexual harassment.
Winner: None
If you drop a Beer it breaks.
If you drop Poon-Tang, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Winner: Beer
If you change to another Beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Winner: Beer
The best Poon-Tang you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Winner: Poon-Tang.
The worst Poon-Tang you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Winner: Beer
Bad Beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
Bad Poon-Tang: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Winner: None
Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red
Good Poon-Tang: Almost all but the above.
Winner: Poon-Tang
The government taxes Beer.
Woman tax their Poon.
Winner: None
Too much Beer results in a headache.
Too much Poon-Tang results in a Willie-ache, but that's a good kind of ache!
Winner: Poon-Tang
Grab the wrong Beer and your drinking buddy gets pissed.
Grab the wrong Poon-Tang and her boyfriend kicks your ass!
Winner: Beer
Beer=10
Poon-Tang=13
The numbers never lie. The winner is Poon-Tang!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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R-RATED RIDDLES
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Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an ****** and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improvingtheir minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. Because they don't have balls to scratch
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in process. A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on center stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Italian. Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and  ed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Italian was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw the faded sign for the same circus and the same sign "Don't Miss The Amazing
Italian". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.
Again, the center ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly drops his pants and ed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Italian.
"But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian,
"My eyesa no whata they used to be!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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If you've ever been put down for being overweight............................
......................................
One of the kids in gym class is ragging on a heavy guy, making remarks about him being overweight.
The fat guy replies, "I am only fat because every time I fcuked your mother, she made me a sandwich."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Some of these are old, some are new. You sort them out.
IIFID
Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: What did the gynecologist and the pizza delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your tallywacker.
Q: What is the difference between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left
is the greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you
lose your house.
Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."
Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, ******* ?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you
just can't beat a blow job.
Q: If tennis players get tennis elbow, what do gynecologists get?
A: Tunnel vision.
Q: What do they call kids born in whorehouses?
A: Brothel sprouts.
Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
A: They're both meat substitutes.
Q: Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?
A: The guy who can carry two pitchers of beer and a foot of onion rings!
Q: Who is the most popular girl in a nudist colony?
A: The girl who can eat the last onion ring.
Q: How do you recognize a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: Its not hard.
Q: What do you call a homosexual dinosaur?
A: A Megasorarse!
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: A Lickalotapuss!
Q: What do you call a rabbit with a bent tallywacker?
A: Fugs Funny!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Father knew it was comming. His boy was getting to that "age" where girls were more interesting than PlayStation2.
One day as the father was working in the garage his son came in and kinda hummed and hawed around.
The father asked if there was something on the boys mind.
The son said, "I'm not sure how to ask this,Dad. I don't want you to get mad at me."
The father replied, "Son, we are alone. Just talk to me man to man and we'll get through it."
"Well, Dad." The boy replies, "I was wondering what a beardedclam looked like."
"I't depends." Dad said. "Do you mean before sex or after?"
"Wwwell." The boy stammered. "I guess before sex."
"Son, That may be the most beautiful sight on the entire earth." Dad said wistfully. "Gods greates gift to man surrounded by a garden of curls. The entrance to Eden. The lips like rose petals in spring beaconing you to taste the sweet nectar."
The son was silent and stunned to hear his dad speak of anything in terms so romantic.
After a few moment of reflection the son asked "Well, what about after sex?'
"Then, Son." Says the father "It looks like a bulldog eating mayonase."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Ralph awoke one day to realize that his member had inexplicably been growing larger and staying erect longer with each passing day. He was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks, his sex organ had grown to nearly 20 inches and Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing and even walking. So, he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained that Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife, "you ARE planning on lengthening Ralph's legs, aren't you?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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There was this salesman that would travel all over the country. On one of his long travels he found himself in this little back country hick town. He was dieing of thurst so he pulled into this little bar.. he went inside and ordered a cold beer.
As he was drinking it he noticed a donkey sitting at the other end of the bar with a bucket full of money so the salesman askes the bar keep what the deal is with the donkey?
The bar keep replyed, "He has been sitting there for months. He is charging people 5.00 bucks a piece to try and make him laugh."
The salesman says, "Really, do you mind if I give it a shot?"
The bar keep said no not at all ....so the salesman walked over and whisperd in his ear and the donkey fell off the stool laughing his ass off!
The salesman took the money and left.
About 2 years later the salesman was travaling through the same area and decided to stop back off for another beer.
When he sat down the same Donkey was sitting at the other end of the bar.
The Barkeep reconized the Salesman rightaway so they started talking and the salesman askes what was up with the donkey.
This time the bar keep replyed "Well he is charging $5.00 per person to try and make him cry."
So the salesman said ok... he walkes over to the donkey and then turns back to the bar keep and asks if he could take the donkey outside for just a second.
The bar keep said go ahead.. so he did.
They were barely out the door when the donkey comes back in crying!
The salesman walks over and picks up the bucket of money and starts to leave.
The bar keep yells "Wait just a second I have to know what happened...first you come in here and make this donkey laugh when nobody else could then you comeback 2 years later and make him cry. What the hell did you say to him??"
The Salesman Smiled and says, "Ok ...the first time I walked over and told the donkey that I had a bigger tallywacker than him."
The bar keep says, "Ok, then what?"
The saleman replys,"Then I took him outside and showed him."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A salesman was on his way home after a week on the road as usual. He had been feeling a bit guilty, knowing that he had been neglecting his wife.
All the way home he tried to think of something nice to do for her, but he had done the flowers, gifts dinners all before.
As he turned onto his street late that night, he had a idea.
Killed the lights and engine, coasted into the driveway. Took off his shoes and sneaked into the house.
Quietly he made his way to the bedroom, slipped quickly out of his clothes, crawled under the covers from the bottom of the bed, right up between her legs and spent 15 minutes munching away to the sounds of moans, sighs, and gasps!
Done now and proud of himself he went to the bathroom to brush his teeth, only to see his wife in the tub!.......
What the hell are you doing here he croaked!......
His wife answered...sshhh! you will wake Gramma, we are in the spare room tonight
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me."
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Advice For Women.................................
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
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<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< ><><>
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and needs to prove his prowess with other man. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's great time to clean the house too!) Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far from being an issue. this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old cottage roommates involved too? if you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my ******** is,
A: Your ******** is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested In foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should: He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband always has an ****** then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Heard about RODEO SEX???
<><><><><><><><><><><><>><><><><><><><><><>>< ><><>
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> <><><><><>
Next time you are with your girlfriend...get her to go down on all fours.
Next position yourself firmly behind her take a firm grip of her hair and once you are well rooted...lean down to her ear and say: "This is exactly how your sister likes it!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A cowboy and his wife had just been married and went to a hotel for their honeymoon.
The man went to the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, "This here is a very special 'casion -- our weddin' night and we need a very special room with a strong bed."
The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?"
The cowboy thought about it a while and then replied, "No, I guess not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.
The man said, " I must have you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said " When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down.
Call me back and tell me what happened." An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked. The lady said " That M.F. had $500 in quarters
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Superman hasn?t got laid in ages,and the all the other superhero babes like Catwoman and Lara Croft have turned him down .
One day he?s flying around when he has an amazing stroke of luck ? he spies Wonderwoman in her garden,naked on her back with her legs wite apart
Seizing his chance,Superman swoops down,comes in a flash using his superspeed powers,then zooms of again.
Wonderwoman sits up.?Christ she says,?what happened there?
?God knows,? says the Invisible Man,?but it hurts like hell !?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Job Cuts
An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like poopoo."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said, "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said, "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
Let me see," he said. "Okay," she said, and showed him. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches; I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look. Then she said "Oh, my gosh, it's too late for you! . . . . You've already got the neck and the gizzards"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it.
His grandson says, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarette?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your prick?" he says.
"No," says the little boy.
"Then you're not big enough."
A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer our of his cooler and opens it.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your prick?", he says.
"No," says the little boy.
"Then you're not old enough."
Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one.
The grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your prick?" says the little boy.
"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather.
"Then go screw yourself," says the boy, "These are my cookies!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday.
As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other, look at the guy and say, 'Sure.' About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him.
The stranger tells them he's a hitman. They all laugh. The guy says, 'No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like.'
So Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached.
Jack gets all excited and says, 'WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?' The hit man replies, 'Sure.'
So Jack looks and says, 'YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife. Wait, there's my next door neighbor! And he's naked too!'
This really upsets Jack so he asks how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies, 'I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger.'
Jack responds, '$1000? Well, OK, I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the *****, just for screwing around with my wife.'
The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope.
He's looking for about five minutes until finally Jack starts to get really impatient and asks, 'What are you waiting for?
The hitman replies, 'Relax..... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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