SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A West Texas Cowboy's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, born of fury, and cutting calves, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn. She put his tally-whacker in a vice, and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up Cowboy was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty damn saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want!!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A truck driver had a 2 day lay-over during the St. Patrick's Day holiday. He was getting bored with just sitting at the truck stop cafe, so he decided to go for a few beers.
After about the 4th one, he had to use the bathroom badly. He went into the bathroom and as he was peeing he looked into the next stall and noticed a leprechaun whose ***** was HUGE!
The truck drive said "Let me ask you something...how come short guys have bigger peckers than tall guys?"
In his heavy Irish accent, the leprechaun looked up and said, "I don't know laddy, I'm a leprechaun".
With that, the trucker reached out and grabbed him and said, "Well guess what? I caught ya!"
"Aye lad, that ya did, but your wishes won't come true until tomorrow morning".
The trucker was confused by this, "Why not? You're a leprechaun, I caught ya, so you are supposed to grant me 3 wishes."
"Well", began the leprechaun, "you don't know anything about us leprechauns. We get a day of the year off and it happens to be St. Patrick's Day." Well, the trucker understanding this made his 3 wishes. He wanted to own his trucking company, he wanted every woman he saw to desire his body and he wanted 10 million dollars in the bank, tax free.
he leprechaun said it would be done in the morning. On his way out of the restroom, the leprechaun says, "Lad, would you like to have your wishes come true tonight?"
"Well yeah, but what's the catch?", came the reply. "Well, you gotta let a leprechaun corn-hole ya."
The trucker, at first protested, but then the leprechaun reminded him of all that he would be gaining in few precious moments. Thinking about the money, the company becoming his and ALL those women, he agreed but told the leprechaun not to tell anyone.
When it was all over, the leprechaun was getting ready to leave, turned to the trucker and said, "Laddy, can I ask ya a question?"
"Sure", says the trucker.
"How old are ya now?"
"I'm 40 years old" says the trucker.
With that, the leprechaun says, "You mean to tell me that you're 40 years old and still believe in leprechauns?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Redneck Sexual IQ Test
1) A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False
2) Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False
3) Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False
4) A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False
5) A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False
6) Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False
7) Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False
8) Asphalt describes ****** problems. True or False
9) ********** is used to catch large fish. True or False
10) Fetus is a character on Gun smoke. True or False
11) An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False
12) A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False
13) An ****** is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False
14) A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False
15) An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False
16) Pornography is the business of making records. True or False
17) Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A beautiful actress? long-time agent discovered one day that she?d been selling her body for a thousand dollars a night. The agent, who had long lusted after his gorgeous client, hadn?t dreamed that she had been so readily available. He approached her and, confessing his desire, asked for a date. She shrugged and agreed to spend the night with him, but coldly stated that he would have to pay a thousand dollars, just like the rest of her clients.
Taken somewhat aback because of their relationship, he reluctantly agreed, then added, "But don?t I even get my agent?s ten percent as a discount?"
"No discount," she said curtly. "Take it or leave it."
Her agent wasn?t all that happy with her attitude, but lust won out and he agreed.
When she arrived at his house that evening he took her into the bedroom and screwed the hell out of her. After the passionate encounter, he turned out the lights and she fell asleep.
Around midnight, her aroused bedmate awakened her and they engaged in another steamy bout of sex. Towards one a.m. she was again awakened, and her horny lover engaged her in another round of pleasure. An hour later, she was again awakened, and, by now highly impressed at her partner?s virility, she whispered in the darkness, "My God, you?re a stud! I had no idea! I never knew how lucky I was to have you as an agent."
"I?m not your agent, baby," a strange voice answered. "He?s at the door selling tickets."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"
"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.
"No, under the tail," says the youngster.
The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."
The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question.
His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's *****, son."
"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.
The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?
"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts
just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty bucks" she says.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks.
They're going at it for a minute when all of a
sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.
What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife." the man answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry!" says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Why did man invent alcohol?
So ugly women could have sex too.
Why are electric trains like women's breasts?
They were designed for kids, but the father usually winds up playing with them.
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"I don't know why you're shaking, she's gonna eat me!"
How come Mike Tyson's eyes water during sex?
Mace.
What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's
batteries in backwards?
He keeps coming, and coming, and coming..........
How did the Dairy Queen become pregnant?
Cause the Burger King forgot to cover his Whopper.
How do you tell that you have a high sperm count?
Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
What do soy beans and vibrators have in common?
They are both meat substitutes.
What is the difference between erotic sex and freaky sex?
During erotic sex you use a feather, during freaky sex you use the whole damn chicken.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be one hell of a *******!"
What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
The frog says "ribbit, ribbit", and the horny toad
says "rub-it, rub-it".
What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it, but they can't eat it.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud.
She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker-looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?" The biker answers, "I'm Cess."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"
"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fork, I've got nothing left to live for!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, goes to a sex therapist's office The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says good-bye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the
doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just
what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Joe Six-Pak was at a bar downtown and had to go to the restroom to rid himself of a couple of beers.
He was taking care of business when a large black man came in and used the urinal next to his.
Joe couldn't help but notice the mans rather large member.
''Wow, I wish I could make mine that big.' Joe said.
Seeing a way to have some fun, the big man said ,'All ya gotta do is tie a piece of string to it and hang a lil' weight offa it. Let it hang down yer pants leg. In no time ,you will notice a big difference,'he said with a smile.
A couple of days went by when the big guy runs into Joe on the street.
'How's the stretch job coming,my man?', asked the black guy.
'Just great', replied Joe.'I'm halfway there,,it's black'.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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One warm spring evening, an elderly gentleman, looking to be at least 90, strolls into the local cat house and tells the piano player he would like to speak with the proprietor of this fine establishment. Off goes the piano player and shortly the house madame appears and asks the old man how she can be of service.
The gentleman informs her he would like to purchase the services of her finest young lady for the evening.
So they haggle for a little while before settling on a fair price and the madame tells him to go to the second floor, last door on the right and make himself comfortable, the young lady will join him shortly.
The old boy soon finds the room and settles in, relaxing and making himself a drink. Shortly as the madame promised, the beautiful young lady enters and quickly hops onto the bed and bekons the the man to join her.
The old man undresses, sits on the bed and pull a couple of items from his pants pocket.
The young lady sees that he has a condom, nothing new here, and a large wad of cotton. He dons the condom and the quickly places cotton in his ears and in his nostrils.
Of course she's curious so she asks the purpose of the cotton.
He replies" Well girlie, I been around this world a half adozen times and seen and done alot, but the only two things I never could stand was the smell of burning rubber and a woman screaming"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Hazel, a widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. 
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir. How are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Sunrise," he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Hazel persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The difference in definition between "guts" and "balls"!
Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when your calling for a cab.
I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her ass. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Q: What does the Mafia and eating beardedclam have in common?
A: One slip the the tonge and your in deep poopoo.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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One afternoon, a little girl returned home from school and announced that a friend had told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother replied, "Why don't you tell me all about it?"
The little girl explained, "Well, mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and then the daddy's thingy stands up, and then the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies."
Her mother shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye-to-eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewelry."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A beautiful young jewish woman comes home and tells her mother that she is about to be wed.
Her mother is delighted, but the delight soon turns to anger when her daughter tells her that she is about to marry Prince Abdullah.
However, the daughter informs her mother that Prince Abdullah is rich beyond their wildest dreams, so her mother soon changes her mind and welcomes him into the family.
Six months later they are living a life of luxury, the mother has her own palace and the daughter lives with her husband in the biggest palace in the entire middle east.
So one afternoon the mother and daughter are having a chat over coffee and the daughter says
"Oh mother, I love my Arab husband so much.. He treats me well, he looks after you and we are rich beyond our wildest dreams"
"yeeesss" her mother says smiling wryly.
"But, theres... well......"
"Go on" says her mother.
"Well, all he ever wants to do is fork me in the  . He bends me over at least five times a day and just bangs away at my ."
"When we met my hole was the size of a dime, but lately because he's **** my so much it's become the size of a silver dollar !"
Her mother pauses, takes a sip of her coffee and says
"So you're going to complain over ninety cents?!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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There are three cops that go to the same bar after work every night. Two of the cops are veterans and one is a rookie.
One night the rookie and one of the veterans are sitting around and the third one comes into the bar with the biggest grin on his face.
The other two cops ask him, "Why are you so happy?"
He tells them, "Well last night I had the best sex in my life with my wife. I had my pistol cocked and loaded under the pillow. When I was about to come, I fired a shot into the air. Her beardedclam got really tight and we both came at the same time."
The next night, the other veteran comes into the bar with a grin on his face and tells the other veteran, "Thanks for the advice. Last night I had the most incredible sex with my wife. I was doing her doggy style and when I was about to come, I fired my pistol. We both had a spontaneous orgasim. It was great."
The next night, the two veterans see the rookie come into the bar, pissed as hell, kicking chairs as he makes his way over to them.
The rookie says, "Well I took your advice! My wife and I were doing sixty-nine and I fired my gun! The femaledog almost bit off my d!ck and she sh!t in my face!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"The Horth Whithperer"
A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks,"How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?"
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nith mouf, can I see her twat?"
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should re-phrathe that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A paleface went to the local Indian reservation where he met the chief. 'How' s about letting me have one of your women for a little while? ' Asked the paleface.
The chief responded, "How much money do you have?"
"I don't have any money but I have this bag of corn." Said the paleface.
"A bag of corn huh." Replied the chief.
The chief thought for a moment then agreed to the deal. "Take that woman there into my teepee." He said.
So the paleface took the woman into the teepee where she took all her clothes off and laid down on her stomach. The paleface saw this and said, "No, you have to turn over onto your back."
The Indian woman replied by turning over pointing at her beardedclam saying, "This money hole." Then turning over onto her stomach, pointing to her ass saying, "This corn hole."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"poopoo!" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Well##################################
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######################################
######################################
A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her v#gina lips reduced because they were flapping in the breeze.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.
"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him.
"I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Fred gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
"I was out getting a tattoo," Fred replied.
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, for one, I like to watch my money grow," said Fred.
"Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
"Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
"And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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