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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2712 - 12/17/05 07:13 PM

Cowboy Chili

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Laramie, Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2713 - 12/17/05 07:13 PM

When a Navy sailor first boarded ship and found his new duty section, the chief said:"this is pretty good duty sailor, we take smoke breaks over there, you sit in this nice comfortable chair during work, and every day except Tuesday, you can go over to that can and stick your weiner in the hole and get a BJ"
"Wow!" said the new sailor, "but how come I can't get a BJ on Tuesday?"
The cheif replied:"because Tuesday is YOUR day in the can"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2714 - 12/17/05 07:15 PM

Calories and Sex....

///////////////////////////////////////////////
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Facts
Giving head....... massages the jaw....while burning 32 calories.

Swallowing foreign body juices is actually like taking vitamins and it whitens your teeth

Having nice sex burnes 358 calories.

Having rough sex [make it hurt] burns 543 calories.

Take off her clothes with her consent.........................12 cal
without......................187 cal
Take off her Bra
With two hands.........................8 cal
With one hand.........................12 cal
With mouth.............................85 cal

Put on Protection
hard ........................... 6 cal
soft..........................315 cal

Foreplay
Looking for target...................8 cal
Finding G spot .....................92 cal
I don't F***ing care................0 cal

Entry
Holding her..................12 cal
On the floor...................8 cal

With Different Position
Missionary..........................358 cal
Doggy...............................316 cal
69 lying.............................286 cal
69 standing........................512 cal
Italian hanger.....................912 cal

******
Real................................112 cal
Faking.............................315 cal

After "O"
Lying in Bed.......................................18 cal
Hop off the bed...................................36 cal
Wondering why she left pissed off...........816 cal

Get dressed
Quiet and calm............................................32 cal
Rushing....................................................98 cal
Heard her boyfriend opening the door.............1218 cal
Heard her dad/2 yr old baby sister at the door....1942 cal

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2715 - 12/17/05 07:15 PM

Two morticians were having lunch.

M1 says, "I had a real hotty on my slab the other day."

M2 says, "She was ', huh?"

M1-"Yeah, the only thing not just perfect about her was her clit, it was like a pickle."

M2-"You mean long and lumpy, like a Gerkin?"

M1-"No, sour."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2775 - 12/17/05 11:11 PM

10% of women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of women favor nudity.
45% of women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of women experienced weird sex.
70% of women prefer sex in the morning.
80% of men have never experienced homosexual relations

90% of women would like to have sex in the forest
99% of women have never experienced sex in the office.


CONCLUSION: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having weird sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.

MORAL: Do not stay late at the office, nothing good can come of it.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2802 - 12/17/05 11:49 PM

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.
We lay there, both as nature had intended. I knew I had to have her, and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment.
Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed all too quickly.
Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace.
I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had been. She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered, 'Baa' before rejoining the flock.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2833 - 12/18/05 01:25 AM

Monica Lewinsky walked into her dry cleaning store and told the old man, ?I've got another dress for you to clean."

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replied, "Come again?"

"No" she said.... "Horseradish."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2839 - 12/18/05 01:59 AM


Public Service Announcement

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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #2855 - 12/18/05 04:01 AM

A man walks into a Doctors.
The Doctor says "So whats the matter with you then?"
"I got raped by an elephant last night!" replies the man.
"What!? You got raped by an elephant!" was the Doctors reply.
" Yer, honestly" says the man
"Ok then, drop your pants, lets ave a look" says the Doc
So the man drops his pants and bends over
" **** hell mate, your arsehole's 2 foot wide!" says the Doctor in shock.
"I know, I told you I got raped by a **** elephant!" says the man
" Well I know for a fact, that an elephants penis is very big, but its long and thin rather than wide, so its couldnt have made your arse like that" explains the Doc.
" I know" replies the man, "But it fingered me first"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #5930 - 12/24/05 01:57 AM

Lite beer is like sex in a canoe.
****ing close to water.....

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #6727 - 12/26/05 04:51 PM

A reporter is interviewing a NO hurricane Katrina victim and asks "What do you think of all the churches that have been destroyed ??? Where upon she replies...

I don't know about all them other peoples but we get our chicken from Popeyes.


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: fish]
      #8462 - 12/30/05 12:02 PM

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at his local feed and seed. One of them says, "You know, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick." "How did you get it fixed?" asked the farmer. "Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's v****a and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."

He goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's v****a and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately.

That night, he gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, he dips his fingers into his wife's v****a and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, "Darling. Look at this!"

She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a NOSEBLEED?"

--------------------
"Never apologize and never explain, it's a sign of weakness."
--- John Wayne

Edited by PePaw (12/30/05 12:04 PM)


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: PePaw]
      #8469 - 12/30/05 12:06 PM

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's v****a. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his p****s, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp. The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "If neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."

Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrusts continued for several long minutes.

"Hey, What the hell is happening?"

"Change of plans," the physician panted."I'm going to drown the b******d!"

--------------------
"Never apologize and never explain, it's a sign of weakness."
--- John Wayne


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PePaw
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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: PePaw]
      #16884 - 01/21/06 10:07 AM

A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of action between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.

"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once!"

--------------------
"Never apologize and never explain, it's a sign of weakness."
--- John Wayne


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: PePaw]
      #16948 - 01/21/06 04:36 PM

A lady walks into a pet shop one day looking for a parrot. She sees a species that is noted for its intelligence and how well it can talk. To her surprise the shop owner says she can have him for $25, a ridiculously low price. The shop owner explains that this parrot has spent years in a whore house and has picked up a lot of language along the way so he wants to get rid of him. The lady is adventurous and decides to take a chance.

She brings the parrot home and takes the veil off the cage. The parrot looks around and says: " New home, new madam".

At first the lady is bothered but she does have a sense of humor so she shrugs off the parrot's comment.

The two teenage daughters of the house arrive home and are shown the parrot. The parrot stares and squawks: " New home, new madam, new whores".

Mother and daughters laugh it off.

The man of the house arrives home and his wife tells him about her new pet in the house. As she leads him into the living room to show him the parrot, the parrot squawks in a bored voice:" New home, new madam, new whores - OH, HI, KEITH!"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #16949 - 01/21/06 04:38 PM

The Norwegian god THOR visits earth. He meets a beautiful earth woman and one thing leads to another and he spends the night with her. They make passionate love and THOR really enjoys himself. However, like some men ( not many, just a very very few!) he gets to that point where he wants to sneak out of bed and get away. He quietly manages to get out of bed, get dressed and heads for the door after even taking the trouble to write a little note about how great it had been and that he would call her later.

THOR gets down the block and congratulating himself on a clean getaway when his conscience begins to bother him. She was a nice girl, after all and he owed her something better than sneaking out of bed. He decides that he really does love this girl and is going to tell her the whole story of who he is and hope she'll take him back.

He returns to the house and knocks on the door. The girl opens the door and has a cold look for him.

THOR starts to say: " I'm THOR.."

The girl interrupts: YOU'RE thor? I'm so thor I can't piss!".

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #17596 - 01/24/06 05:09 AM

Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face.

Mike says, "Hey Pat, what are you so happy for?"

"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,just waxin' my boat, and a big ol' redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Mike.

Tits out to here!!!!

She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'

So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim,Mike. She couldn't swim!!!!'

The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face.

Mike says, "What are you so happy about today Pat?"

"Well Mike... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just a waxi! n' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... big ol'titties out to here,Mike. I mean Tits out to here!!!

She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Absolutely, you can have a ride in my boat!'

So I took her way out there Mike. Wayyy out, much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' And she couldn't swim either, Mike! She couldn't swim!"

A few days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down at the end of the bar there cryin'
over a beer.

Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat again, just a waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAYYY out to here, Mike. I mean tits WAY out to here!

She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike, way WAY way out... much further than the last two.

I turned off the boat, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!'

Pat sobb's a bit and says 'She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike!

She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Mel
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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #17810 - 01/24/06 07:46 PM

Comes under the heading of be careful of what you wish for.

--------------------
Member DU, Delta

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: Mel]
      #18834 - 01/28/06 04:14 AM

The "F" Word

(Correct use of the "F" word)
When is @#$% Acceptable?


There have been only twelve times in history when the "F" word was considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

12. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are Sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912


11. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945


10. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877


9. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938


8. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926


7. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC


6. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566


5. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937


4. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC


3. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
Bill Clinton, 1998


2. "What do you mean there is no @%#*ing key to my ankle bracelet?"
-- Martha Stewart, 2005

and a drum roll please............!

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #19704 - 01/31/06 10:04 AM

Young Johny comes home from school a bit confused, and asks his dad.
"What's the differance between a Vigina and a c***?"
"Well son l'll show you" says his father and takes him up stairs to the bedroom where his mother's sleeping. Lifting the blankets he says "look there son between your mothers legs, that hairy thing is a Vigina".
"Can l touch it father" says Johny.
"No son you'll wake the c*** up"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #20057 - 02/01/06 01:18 AM

An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #20337 - 02/01/06 07:13 PM

A guy has a red ring about halfway down his c**k so he goes to the emegency room to have it looked at. They tell him to go into this curtained room, get undressed and wait for the Dr. He is setting on the table when he hears the Dr. in the other room talking to another patient.
Dr."What seems to be your problem?"
Patient 1," I have this red ring about half way down my c**k and thought I should get it looked at."
The Dr. say's, "Let me see. HHhummmm. OK, here is what you do, Go home take a nice warm bath and wash yourself real good down there and you should be alright. That will be $10.00."
Patient 1 says thanks and leaves.
The Dr. comes into Patient 2s cube and says," What seems to be your problem?"
Patient 2 says ," I have a red ring about half way down my c**k, and thought I should get it looked at."
DR. " Ok let me see."
The Dr. looks and says," We are going to have to put you in isolation and maybe you will need surgery, it doesn't look good."
Patient 2," WHAT?? The guy next to me had a ring ring on his c**k and you told him to go take a bath!!!"
Dr. " Yes, but his was lipstick."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #20340 - 02/01/06 07:19 PM

Hunger Pangs

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now."

"It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like maybe a juicy steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #20344 - 02/01/06 07:25 PM

A farmer ordered a high tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.

When the fun was over though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the machine from himself.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.

Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: All The Little Nasties..... [Re: SwampFox]
      #20477 - 02/02/06 04:22 AM

There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.
"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin? with that wire?"
"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain?t just any ol? wire, this here?s chicken wire?I?m fixin? to catch me some chickens!"
"You can?t catch chickens with chicken wire!"
"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he?s got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.
Well, the farmer?s sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.
"Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin? with that tape?"
"Well, this here ain?t just any ol? tape, this here?s duck tape?I?m goin? huntin' for ducks!"
"You can?t catch ducks with duck tape!"
"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can?t believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.
The next day the farmer?s sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.
"Hey kid!" the farmer says, "Where ya goin? with that stick?"
"Well, this here ain?t just any old stick, this here?s beardedclam willow."
"Hang on," the farmer says, "I?ll get my hat."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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