SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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This is the spot for "socially unacceptable" blue humor.
Crotchless.......
A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex.
She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.
One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.
"Want some of this?" she purred.
"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your underwear."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two deaf people get married.
During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't
see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my prick one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my prick fifty times"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced that it has settled on mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course, ibepokin.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Pickle, Cucumber And Prick
One day a cucumber, a pickle and a prick were having a conversation:
The pickle says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get fat and juicy, they sprinkle seasonings over and they stick me in a jar." The cucumber says, "Yeah you think that's bad? Whenever I get big fat and juicy, they slice me up and they put me over salad." The prick says, "You think that your lives are tough? Well, whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they throw a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a wet dark, smelly room and force me to do push-ups until I throw up and lose consciousness! ! !"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman-- a practicing witch.
The morning after she caught him with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day.
In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician who examined the man and ran tests on the strange tissue.
By now the bump was three inches long, and starting to take an oddly familiar shape.
"What is this thing growing out of my head, Doctor?"
"We've run every test we know to confirm the findings," he said gravely, "but they all tell us the same thing. The bump in your forehead is developing into a fully grown prick."
"I can't believe this! Isn't there anything you can do?"
"I'm afraid not. Removing it would kill you."
"I'll be a freak! No woman will come near me!"
"There's more," said the Doctor.
"You're going to experience vision problems."
"Will I go blind, Doc?" said the man.
"No, you'll just have trouble seeing with testicles hanging in front of your eyes."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Employee Complaint
I, the prick, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment. I don't get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Dear Prick,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have, raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative -- you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely, The Management
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?.................................................................................................................................................///////////////////////////// ////////////////////
Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while, you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87,wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks,"What?" and he replies "SEX!!!"
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well,I guess I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Howard's manhood. Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Howard and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Howard's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep!
What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Howard smiled happily and replied,"Parkinson's!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Crazy Sex Laws
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.(MIRROR,MIRROR ON THE WALL...)
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder which head?)
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? ... Not as great as Guam!)
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
"TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"
Well,, that's a little different," the officer smiled ...."Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same Police Officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:
"TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER---$50.00."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc, but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a ******* on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.
So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started walking home and began to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch. When I nibbled on her breast..... she farted and flew out the window!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini. "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered;
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money....
"Well, OK...but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.
Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MYGOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Vegas Hooker
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but, he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some beardedclam?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a beardedclam."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A young lady went to a new gynecologist for a routine exam. She laid down on the table with her feet up in the stirrups. The doctor came in and looked under the sheet and said, "My God, you've got the biggest vagina I've ever seen! Holy crap! I'm sorry, but I just can't believe the size of that thing!"
She got all kinds of mad about this and after ripping him open about his unprofessional behavior, put on her clothes and went home. On the drive home, she had time to cool off a little bit and got to thinking, "You know, maybe my vagina really IS that big."
When she got home, her roommate was gone, so she decided to see for herself. She stood in front of the mirror looking. She bent over at the mirror, looking between her legs. She laid down and held a mirror between her legs. She took the full-length mirror off the door and laid it on the floor and stood over it. Right then, her roommate came in the door. The roommate was most surprised and said, "What are you doing there?"
Thinking quickly, she said, "Uh, naked aerobics."
"Oh. Well just be careful you don't fall in that hole underneath you in the floor."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Subject: 3 pills/3 women/3 nights
A guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem.
My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, myex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday.
I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."
The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills in 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."
The man says, "You have a deal Doc."
Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.
The doctor says, "What happened"?
The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she isited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! >There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"Uh-huh"
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning >there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with >me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."
"You're simply going through the change."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Subject: COMA
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A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.
The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses ran into the room. " What happened?" they cried.
The husband said, "I guess she choked."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in. One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
"STOP!",he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said,"Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.
Ethel comes to a screeching halt and says,
"Oh, good grief...not the breathalyzer AGAIN!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two hookers were engaged in a deep conversation concerning their profession.
One of the hookers finally looked at the other one and asked
"How many times you been picked up by the Fuzz"
The other hooker got big eyed and kind of quiet then responded.
"I've never been picked up by my fuzz but I did get swung around by my titties once".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Medical Spending
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020,there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection what to do with them.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed,when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache".........
"Perfect", her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my tallywacker with aspirin... you can take it orally or as a suppository- it's up to you!!!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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What Men Want
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frog
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classical music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
Oh, wait...please only read lines 1, 3 & 5
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.
He was already starting to blister and was in agony.
The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, a pain killer, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"
The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The hillbilly from McDonald County goes in to see his family doctor/veterinarian/taxidermist. He asks for birth control pills for Lurlene, his 12 yr. old daughter.
Dr. Hatfield says, "For Lurlene? Is she sexually active?"
The hillbilly says, "Naw, not really. She just kinda lays there like her maw does."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: - $1.50.
Chicken Sandwich: - $2.50.
Hand Job: - $10.00.
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am"
The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a Cheese Sandwich!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse.
She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Hell, no," replies the old lady.
"I want four times in the rocking chair!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money.
She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!)
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven ... which part of your body goes first?"
Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?"
Suzie replied, "... Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!"
"What a wonderful answer!" the Nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs".
The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'O God, I'm coming!'
If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her."
The Nun fainted ...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out.
Waiting the little boy gets bored, and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.
"Get your hand out of There! "she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.
For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.
When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action.
After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.
"Hell no," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"
"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there."
"Yes, there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."
No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."
"No I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."
The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Beer vs. Poon-Tang
Finally, the truth is calculated and cannot be disputed.
Beer is always wet.
Poon-Tang needs encouragement.
Winner: Beer
Beer tastes horrible served hot.
Poon-Tang tastes better served hot.
Winner: Poon-Tang
Having an ice cold Beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold Poon-Tang makes you Hillary Clinton.
Winner: Beer
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Poon-Tang does not.
Winner: None
If you get a hair in your teeth consuming Poon-Tang, you are not disgusted.
Winner: Poon-Tang
Twenty-four Beers come in a box.
Poon-Tang is a box you can come in.
Winner: Poon-Tang
Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Winner: Poon-Tang
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Winner: Beer
If you come home smelling like Beer, your lady may get mad.
If you come home smelling like Poon-Tang, she will definitely get mad.
Winner: Beer
Six Beers in a night and you better not drive.
Six Poon-Tangs in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Winner: Poon-Tang
Buy too much Beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much Poon-Tang and you will get poor.
Winner: None
It is socially acceptable to have a Beer in the stands at a football game.
Getting Poon-Tang in the stands at a football game makes you a legend.
Winner: Poon-Tang
If a cop smells Beer on your breath, you get a arrested..
If a cop smells Poon-Tang on your breath, you get a high-five.
Winner: Poon-Tang
With Beer, bigger is better.
Winner: Beer
Wearing a condom does not make Beer any less enjoyable.
Winner: Beer
Poon-Tang makes you see God.
Beer makes you see the porcelain God.
Winner: Poon-Tang
If you think all day about your next Poon-Tang you are normal.
If you think all day about your next Beer you are an alcoholic.
Winner: Poon-Tang
Peeling labels off of Beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of Poon-Tang is more fun.
Winner: Poon-Tang
Snagging Beer at work gets you fired.
Snagging Poon-Tang at work gets you charged with sexual harassment.
Winner: None
If you drop a Beer it breaks.
If you drop Poon-Tang, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Winner: Beer
If you change to another Beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Winner: Beer
The best Poon-Tang you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Winner: Poon-Tang.
The worst Poon-Tang you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Winner: Beer
Bad Beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
Bad Poon-Tang: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Winner: None
Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red
Good Poon-Tang: Almost all but the above.
Winner: Poon-Tang
The government taxes Beer.
Woman tax their Poon.
Winner: None
Too much Beer results in a headache.
Too much Poon-Tang results in a Willie-ache, but that's a good kind of ache!
Winner: Poon-Tang
Grab the wrong Beer and your drinking buddy gets pissed.
Grab the wrong Poon-Tang and her boyfriend kicks your ass!
Winner: Beer
Beer=10
Poon-Tang=13
The numbers never lie. The winner is Poon-Tang!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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R-RATED RIDDLES
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Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an ****** and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improvingtheir minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. Because they don't have balls to scratch
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in process. A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on center stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Italian. Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and  ed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Italian was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw the faded sign for the same circus and the same sign "Don't Miss The Amazing
Italian". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.
Again, the center ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly drops his pants and ed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Italian.
"But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian,
"My eyesa no whata they used to be!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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If you've ever been put down for being overweight............................
......................................
One of the kids in gym class is ragging on a heavy guy, making remarks about him being overweight.
The fat guy replies, "I am only fat because every time I fcuked your mother, she made me a sandwich."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Some of these are old, some are new. You sort them out.
IIFID
Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: What did the gynecologist and the pizza delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your tallywacker.
Q: What is the difference between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left
is the greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you
lose your house.
Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."
Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, ******* ?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you
just can't beat a blow job.
Q: If tennis players get tennis elbow, what do gynecologists get?
A: Tunnel vision.
Q: What do they call kids born in whorehouses?
A: Brothel sprouts.
Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
A: They're both meat substitutes.
Q: Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?
A: The guy who can carry two pitchers of beer and a foot of onion rings!
Q: Who is the most popular girl in a nudist colony?
A: The girl who can eat the last onion ring.
Q: How do you recognize a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: Its not hard.
Q: What do you call a homosexual dinosaur?
A: A Megasorarse!
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: A Lickalotapuss!
Q: What do you call a rabbit with a bent tallywacker?
A: Fugs Funny!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Father knew it was comming. His boy was getting to that "age" where girls were more interesting than PlayStation2.
One day as the father was working in the garage his son came in and kinda hummed and hawed around.
The father asked if there was something on the boys mind.
The son said, "I'm not sure how to ask this,Dad. I don't want you to get mad at me."
The father replied, "Son, we are alone. Just talk to me man to man and we'll get through it."
"Well, Dad." The boy replies, "I was wondering what a beardedclam looked like."
"I't depends." Dad said. "Do you mean before sex or after?"
"Wwwell." The boy stammered. "I guess before sex."
"Son, That may be the most beautiful sight on the entire earth." Dad said wistfully. "Gods greates gift to man surrounded by a garden of curls. The entrance to Eden. The lips like rose petals in spring beaconing you to taste the sweet nectar."
The son was silent and stunned to hear his dad speak of anything in terms so romantic.
After a few moment of reflection the son asked "Well, what about after sex?'
"Then, Son." Says the father "It looks like a bulldog eating mayonase."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Ralph awoke one day to realize that his member had inexplicably been growing larger and staying erect longer with each passing day. He was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks, his sex organ had grown to nearly 20 inches and Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing and even walking. So, he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained that Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife, "you ARE planning on lengthening Ralph's legs, aren't you?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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There was this salesman that would travel all over the country. On one of his long travels he found himself in this little back country hick town. He was dieing of thurst so he pulled into this little bar.. he went inside and ordered a cold beer.
As he was drinking it he noticed a donkey sitting at the other end of the bar with a bucket full of money so the salesman askes the bar keep what the deal is with the donkey?
The bar keep replyed, "He has been sitting there for months. He is charging people 5.00 bucks a piece to try and make him laugh."
The salesman says, "Really, do you mind if I give it a shot?"
The bar keep said no not at all ....so the salesman walked over and whisperd in his ear and the donkey fell off the stool laughing his ass off!
The salesman took the money and left.
About 2 years later the salesman was travaling through the same area and decided to stop back off for another beer.
When he sat down the same Donkey was sitting at the other end of the bar.
The Barkeep reconized the Salesman rightaway so they started talking and the salesman askes what was up with the donkey.
This time the bar keep replyed "Well he is charging $5.00 per person to try and make him cry."
So the salesman said ok... he walkes over to the donkey and then turns back to the bar keep and asks if he could take the donkey outside for just a second.
The bar keep said go ahead.. so he did.
They were barely out the door when the donkey comes back in crying!
The salesman walks over and picks up the bucket of money and starts to leave.
The bar keep yells "Wait just a second I have to know what happened...first you come in here and make this donkey laugh when nobody else could then you comeback 2 years later and make him cry. What the hell did you say to him??"
The Salesman Smiled and says, "Ok ...the first time I walked over and told the donkey that I had a bigger tallywacker than him."
The bar keep says, "Ok, then what?"
The saleman replys,"Then I took him outside and showed him."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A salesman was on his way home after a week on the road as usual. He had been feeling a bit guilty, knowing that he had been neglecting his wife.
All the way home he tried to think of something nice to do for her, but he had done the flowers, gifts dinners all before.
As he turned onto his street late that night, he had a idea.
Killed the lights and engine, coasted into the driveway. Took off his shoes and sneaked into the house.
Quietly he made his way to the bedroom, slipped quickly out of his clothes, crawled under the covers from the bottom of the bed, right up between her legs and spent 15 minutes munching away to the sounds of moans, sighs, and gasps!
Done now and proud of himself he went to the bathroom to brush his teeth, only to see his wife in the tub!.......
What the hell are you doing here he croaked!......
His wife answered...sshhh! you will wake Gramma, we are in the spare room tonight
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me."
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Advice For Women.................................
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
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<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< ><><>
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and needs to prove his prowess with other man. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's great time to clean the house too!) Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far from being an issue. this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old cottage roommates involved too? if you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my ******** is,
A: Your ******** is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested In foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should: He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband always has an ****** then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Heard about RODEO SEX???
<><><><><><><><><><><><>><><><><><><><><><>>< ><><>
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> <><><><><>
Next time you are with your girlfriend...get her to go down on all fours.
Next position yourself firmly behind her take a firm grip of her hair and once you are well rooted...lean down to her ear and say: "This is exactly how your sister likes it!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A cowboy and his wife had just been married and went to a hotel for their honeymoon.
The man went to the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, "This here is a very special 'casion -- our weddin' night and we need a very special room with a strong bed."
The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?"
The cowboy thought about it a while and then replied, "No, I guess not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.
The man said, " I must have you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said " When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down.
Call me back and tell me what happened." An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked. The lady said " That M.F. had $500 in quarters
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Superman hasn?t got laid in ages,and the all the other superhero babes like Catwoman and Lara Croft have turned him down .
One day he?s flying around when he has an amazing stroke of luck ? he spies Wonderwoman in her garden,naked on her back with her legs wite apart
Seizing his chance,Superman swoops down,comes in a flash using his superspeed powers,then zooms of again.
Wonderwoman sits up.?Christ she says,?what happened there?
?God knows,? says the Invisible Man,?but it hurts like hell !?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Job Cuts
An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like poopoo."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said, "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said, "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
Let me see," he said. "Okay," she said, and showed him. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches; I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look. Then she said "Oh, my gosh, it's too late for you! . . . . You've already got the neck and the gizzards"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it.
His grandson says, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarette?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your prick?" he says.
"No," says the little boy.
"Then you're not big enough."
A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer our of his cooler and opens it.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your prick?", he says.
"No," says the little boy.
"Then you're not old enough."
Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one.
The grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your prick?" says the little boy.
"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather.
"Then go screw yourself," says the boy, "These are my cookies!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday.
As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other, look at the guy and say, 'Sure.' About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him.
The stranger tells them he's a hitman. They all laugh. The guy says, 'No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like.'
So Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached.
Jack gets all excited and says, 'WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?' The hit man replies, 'Sure.'
So Jack looks and says, 'YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife. Wait, there's my next door neighbor! And he's naked too!'
This really upsets Jack so he asks how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies, 'I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger.'
Jack responds, '$1000? Well, OK, I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the *****, just for screwing around with my wife.'
The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope.
He's looking for about five minutes until finally Jack starts to get really impatient and asks, 'What are you waiting for?
The hitman replies, 'Relax..... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A West Texas Cowboy's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, born of fury, and cutting calves, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn. She put his tally-whacker in a vice, and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up Cowboy was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty damn saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want!!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A truck driver had a 2 day lay-over during the St. Patrick's Day holiday. He was getting bored with just sitting at the truck stop cafe, so he decided to go for a few beers.
After about the 4th one, he had to use the bathroom badly. He went into the bathroom and as he was peeing he looked into the next stall and noticed a leprechaun whose ***** was HUGE!
The truck drive said "Let me ask you something...how come short guys have bigger peckers than tall guys?"
In his heavy Irish accent, the leprechaun looked up and said, "I don't know laddy, I'm a leprechaun".
With that, the trucker reached out and grabbed him and said, "Well guess what? I caught ya!"
"Aye lad, that ya did, but your wishes won't come true until tomorrow morning".
The trucker was confused by this, "Why not? You're a leprechaun, I caught ya, so you are supposed to grant me 3 wishes."
"Well", began the leprechaun, "you don't know anything about us leprechauns. We get a day of the year off and it happens to be St. Patrick's Day." Well, the trucker understanding this made his 3 wishes. He wanted to own his trucking company, he wanted every woman he saw to desire his body and he wanted 10 million dollars in the bank, tax free.
he leprechaun said it would be done in the morning. On his way out of the restroom, the leprechaun says, "Lad, would you like to have your wishes come true tonight?"
"Well yeah, but what's the catch?", came the reply. "Well, you gotta let a leprechaun corn-hole ya."
The trucker, at first protested, but then the leprechaun reminded him of all that he would be gaining in few precious moments. Thinking about the money, the company becoming his and ALL those women, he agreed but told the leprechaun not to tell anyone.
When it was all over, the leprechaun was getting ready to leave, turned to the trucker and said, "Laddy, can I ask ya a question?"
"Sure", says the trucker.
"How old are ya now?"
"I'm 40 years old" says the trucker.
With that, the leprechaun says, "You mean to tell me that you're 40 years old and still believe in leprechauns?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Redneck Sexual IQ Test
1) A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False
2) Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False
3) Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False
4) A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False
5) A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False
6) Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False
7) Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False
8) Asphalt describes ****** problems. True or False
9) ********** is used to catch large fish. True or False
10) Fetus is a character on Gun smoke. True or False
11) An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False
12) A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False
13) An ****** is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False
14) A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False
15) An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False
16) Pornography is the business of making records. True or False
17) Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A beautiful actress? long-time agent discovered one day that she?d been selling her body for a thousand dollars a night. The agent, who had long lusted after his gorgeous client, hadn?t dreamed that she had been so readily available. He approached her and, confessing his desire, asked for a date. She shrugged and agreed to spend the night with him, but coldly stated that he would have to pay a thousand dollars, just like the rest of her clients.
Taken somewhat aback because of their relationship, he reluctantly agreed, then added, "But don?t I even get my agent?s ten percent as a discount?"
"No discount," she said curtly. "Take it or leave it."
Her agent wasn?t all that happy with her attitude, but lust won out and he agreed.
When she arrived at his house that evening he took her into the bedroom and screwed the hell out of her. After the passionate encounter, he turned out the lights and she fell asleep.
Around midnight, her aroused bedmate awakened her and they engaged in another steamy bout of sex. Towards one a.m. she was again awakened, and her horny lover engaged her in another round of pleasure. An hour later, she was again awakened, and, by now highly impressed at her partner?s virility, she whispered in the darkness, "My God, you?re a stud! I had no idea! I never knew how lucky I was to have you as an agent."
"I?m not your agent, baby," a strange voice answered. "He?s at the door selling tickets."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"
"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.
"No, under the tail," says the youngster.
The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."
The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question.
His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's *****, son."
"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.
The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?
"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts
just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty bucks" she says.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks.
They're going at it for a minute when all of a
sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.
What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife." the man answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry!" says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Why did man invent alcohol?
So ugly women could have sex too.
Why are electric trains like women's breasts?
They were designed for kids, but the father usually winds up playing with them.
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"I don't know why you're shaking, she's gonna eat me!"
How come Mike Tyson's eyes water during sex?
Mace.
What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's
batteries in backwards?
He keeps coming, and coming, and coming..........
How did the Dairy Queen become pregnant?
Cause the Burger King forgot to cover his Whopper.
How do you tell that you have a high sperm count?
Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
What do soy beans and vibrators have in common?
They are both meat substitutes.
What is the difference between erotic sex and freaky sex?
During erotic sex you use a feather, during freaky sex you use the whole damn chicken.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be one hell of a *******!"
What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
The frog says "ribbit, ribbit", and the horny toad
says "rub-it, rub-it".
What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it, but they can't eat it.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud.
She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker-looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?" The biker answers, "I'm Cess."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"
"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fork, I've got nothing left to live for!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, goes to a sex therapist's office The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says good-bye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the
doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just
what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Joe Six-Pak was at a bar downtown and had to go to the restroom to rid himself of a couple of beers.
He was taking care of business when a large black man came in and used the urinal next to his.
Joe couldn't help but notice the mans rather large member.
''Wow, I wish I could make mine that big.' Joe said.
Seeing a way to have some fun, the big man said ,'All ya gotta do is tie a piece of string to it and hang a lil' weight offa it. Let it hang down yer pants leg. In no time ,you will notice a big difference,'he said with a smile.
A couple of days went by when the big guy runs into Joe on the street.
'How's the stretch job coming,my man?', asked the black guy.
'Just great', replied Joe.'I'm halfway there,,it's black'.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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One warm spring evening, an elderly gentleman, looking to be at least 90, strolls into the local cat house and tells the piano player he would like to speak with the proprietor of this fine establishment. Off goes the piano player and shortly the house madame appears and asks the old man how she can be of service.
The gentleman informs her he would like to purchase the services of her finest young lady for the evening.
So they haggle for a little while before settling on a fair price and the madame tells him to go to the second floor, last door on the right and make himself comfortable, the young lady will join him shortly.
The old boy soon finds the room and settles in, relaxing and making himself a drink. Shortly as the madame promised, the beautiful young lady enters and quickly hops onto the bed and bekons the the man to join her.
The old man undresses, sits on the bed and pull a couple of items from his pants pocket.
The young lady sees that he has a condom, nothing new here, and a large wad of cotton. He dons the condom and the quickly places cotton in his ears and in his nostrils.
Of course she's curious so she asks the purpose of the cotton.
He replies" Well girlie, I been around this world a half adozen times and seen and done alot, but the only two things I never could stand was the smell of burning rubber and a woman screaming"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Hazel, a widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. 
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir. How are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Sunrise," he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Hazel persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The difference in definition between "guts" and "balls"!
Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when your calling for a cab.
I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her ass. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Q: What does the Mafia and eating beardedclam have in common?
A: One slip the the tonge and your in deep poopoo.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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One afternoon, a little girl returned home from school and announced that a friend had told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother replied, "Why don't you tell me all about it?"
The little girl explained, "Well, mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and then the daddy's thingy stands up, and then the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies."
Her mother shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye-to-eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewelry."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A beautiful young jewish woman comes home and tells her mother that she is about to be wed.
Her mother is delighted, but the delight soon turns to anger when her daughter tells her that she is about to marry Prince Abdullah.
However, the daughter informs her mother that Prince Abdullah is rich beyond their wildest dreams, so her mother soon changes her mind and welcomes him into the family.
Six months later they are living a life of luxury, the mother has her own palace and the daughter lives with her husband in the biggest palace in the entire middle east.
So one afternoon the mother and daughter are having a chat over coffee and the daughter says
"Oh mother, I love my Arab husband so much.. He treats me well, he looks after you and we are rich beyond our wildest dreams"
"yeeesss" her mother says smiling wryly.
"But, theres... well......"
"Go on" says her mother.
"Well, all he ever wants to do is fork me in the  . He bends me over at least five times a day and just bangs away at my ."
"When we met my hole was the size of a dime, but lately because he's **** my so much it's become the size of a silver dollar !"
Her mother pauses, takes a sip of her coffee and says
"So you're going to complain over ninety cents?!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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There are three cops that go to the same bar after work every night. Two of the cops are veterans and one is a rookie.
One night the rookie and one of the veterans are sitting around and the third one comes into the bar with the biggest grin on his face.
The other two cops ask him, "Why are you so happy?"
He tells them, "Well last night I had the best sex in my life with my wife. I had my pistol cocked and loaded under the pillow. When I was about to come, I fired a shot into the air. Her beardedclam got really tight and we both came at the same time."
The next night, the other veteran comes into the bar with a grin on his face and tells the other veteran, "Thanks for the advice. Last night I had the most incredible sex with my wife. I was doing her doggy style and when I was about to come, I fired my pistol. We both had a spontaneous orgasim. It was great."
The next night, the two veterans see the rookie come into the bar, pissed as hell, kicking chairs as he makes his way over to them.
The rookie says, "Well I took your advice! My wife and I were doing sixty-nine and I fired my gun! The femaledog almost bit off my d!ck and she sh!t in my face!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"The Horth Whithperer"
A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks,"How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?"
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nith mouf, can I see her twat?"
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should re-phrathe that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A paleface went to the local Indian reservation where he met the chief. 'How' s about letting me have one of your women for a little while? ' Asked the paleface.
The chief responded, "How much money do you have?"
"I don't have any money but I have this bag of corn." Said the paleface.
"A bag of corn huh." Replied the chief.
The chief thought for a moment then agreed to the deal. "Take that woman there into my teepee." He said.
So the paleface took the woman into the teepee where she took all her clothes off and laid down on her stomach. The paleface saw this and said, "No, you have to turn over onto your back."
The Indian woman replied by turning over pointing at her beardedclam saying, "This money hole." Then turning over onto her stomach, pointing to her ass saying, "This corn hole."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"poopoo!" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Well##################################
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A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her v#gina lips reduced because they were flapping in the breeze.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.
"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him.
"I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Fred gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
"I was out getting a tattoo," Fred replied.
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, for one, I like to watch my money grow," said Fred.
"Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
"Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
"And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Cowboy Chili
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Laramie, Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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When a Navy sailor first boarded ship and found his new duty section, the chief said:"this is pretty good duty sailor, we take smoke breaks over there, you sit in this nice comfortable chair during work, and every day except Tuesday, you can go over to that can and stick your weiner in the hole and get a BJ"
"Wow!" said the new sailor, "but how come I can't get a BJ on Tuesday?"
The cheif replied:"because Tuesday is YOUR day in the can"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Calories and Sex....
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Facts
Giving head....... massages the jaw....while burning 32 calories.
Swallowing foreign body juices is actually like taking vitamins and it whitens your teeth
Having nice sex burnes 358 calories.
Having rough sex [make it hurt] burns 543 calories.
Take off her clothes with her consent.........................12 cal
without......................187 cal
Take off her Bra
With two hands.........................8 cal
With one hand.........................12 cal
With mouth.............................85 cal
Put on Protection
hard ........................... 6 cal
soft..........................315 cal
Foreplay
Looking for target...................8 cal
Finding G spot .....................92 cal
I don't F***ing care................0 cal
Entry
Holding her..................12 cal
On the floor...................8 cal
With Different Position
Missionary..........................358 cal
Doggy...............................316 cal
69 lying.............................286 cal
69 standing........................512 cal
Italian hanger.....................912 cal
******
Real................................112 cal
Faking.............................315 cal
After "O"
Lying in Bed.......................................18 cal
Hop off the bed...................................36 cal
Wondering why she left pissed off...........816 cal
Get dressed
Quiet and calm............................................32 cal
Rushing....................................................98 cal
Heard her boyfriend opening the door.............1218 cal
Heard her dad/2 yr old baby sister at the door....1942 cal
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two morticians were having lunch.
M1 says, "I had a real hotty on my slab the other day."
M2 says, "She was  ', huh?"
M1-"Yeah, the only thing not just perfect about her was her clit, it was like a pickle."
M2-"You mean long and lumpy, like a Gerkin?"
M1-"No, sour."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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10% of women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of women favor nudity.
45% of women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of women experienced weird sex.
70% of women prefer sex in the morning.
80% of men have never experienced homosexual relations
90% of women would like to have sex in the forest
99% of women have never experienced sex in the office.
CONCLUSION: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having weird sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.
MORAL: Do not stay late at the office, nothing good can come of it.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.
We lay there, both as nature had intended. I knew I had to have her, and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment.
Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed all too quickly.
Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace.
I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had been. She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered, 'Baa' before rejoining the flock.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Monica Lewinsky walked into her dry cleaning store and told the old man, ?I've got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replied, "Come again?"
"No" she said.... "Horseradish."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Public Service Announcement
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man walks into a Doctors.
The Doctor says "So whats the matter with you then?"
"I got raped by an elephant last night!" replies the man.
"What!? You got raped by an elephant!" was the Doctors reply.
" Yer, honestly" says the man
"Ok then, drop your pants, lets ave a look" says the Doc
So the man drops his pants and bends over
" **** hell mate, your arsehole's 2 foot wide!" says the Doctor in shock.
"I know, I told you I got raped by a **** elephant!" says the man
" Well I know for a fact, that an elephants penis is very big, but its long and thin rather than wide, so its couldnt have made your arse like that" explains the Doc.
" I know" replies the man, "But it fingered me first"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Lite beer is like sex in a canoe.
****ing close to water.....
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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fish
senior member - literally
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 2464
Loc: Kingdom of Callaway
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A reporter is interviewing a NO hurricane Katrina victim and asks "What do you think of all the churches that have been destroyed ??? Where upon she replies...
I don't know about all them other peoples but we get our chicken from Popeyes. 
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PePaw
member
Reged: 12/27/05
Posts: 24
Loc: 10 miles East of Paradise
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An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at his local feed and seed. One of them says, "You know, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick." "How did you get it fixed?" asked the farmer. "Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's v****a and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."
He goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's v****a and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately.
That night, he gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, he dips his fingers into his wife's v****a and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, "Darling. Look at this!"
She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a NOSEBLEED?"
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"Never apologize and never explain, it's a sign of weakness."
--- John Wayne
Edited by PePaw (12/30/05 12:04 PM)
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PePaw
member
Reged: 12/27/05
Posts: 24
Loc: 10 miles East of Paradise
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A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's v****a. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his p****s, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp. The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "If neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrusts continued for several long minutes.
"Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," the physician panted."I'm going to drown the b******d!"
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"Never apologize and never explain, it's a sign of weakness."
--- John Wayne
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PePaw
member
Reged: 12/27/05
Posts: 24
Loc: 10 miles East of Paradise
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A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of action between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.
"Why not gold?"
"Because I want you to come second for once!"
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"Never apologize and never explain, it's a sign of weakness."
--- John Wayne
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A lady walks into a pet shop one day looking for a parrot. She sees a species that is noted for its intelligence and how well it can talk. To her surprise the shop owner says she can have him for $25, a ridiculously low price. The shop owner explains that this parrot has spent years in a whore house and has picked up a lot of language along the way so he wants to get rid of him. The lady is adventurous and decides to take a chance.
She brings the parrot home and takes the veil off the cage. The parrot looks around and says: " New home, new madam".
At first the lady is bothered but she does have a sense of humor so she shrugs off the parrot's comment.
The two teenage daughters of the house arrive home and are shown the parrot. The parrot stares and squawks: " New home, new madam, new whores".
Mother and daughters laugh it off.
The man of the house arrives home and his wife tells him about her new pet in the house. As she leads him into the living room to show him the parrot, the parrot squawks in a bored voice:" New home, new madam, new whores - OH, HI, KEITH!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Norwegian god THOR visits earth. He meets a beautiful earth woman and one thing leads to another and he spends the night with her. They make passionate love and THOR really enjoys himself. However, like some men ( not many, just a very very few!) he gets to that point where he wants to sneak out of bed and get away. He quietly manages to get out of bed, get dressed and heads for the door after even taking the trouble to write a little note about how great it had been and that he would call her later.
THOR gets down the block and congratulating himself on a clean getaway when his conscience begins to bother him. She was a nice girl, after all and he owed her something better than sneaking out of bed. He decides that he really does love this girl and is going to tell her the whole story of who he is and hope she'll take him back.
He returns to the house and knocks on the door. The girl opens the door and has a cold look for him.
THOR starts to say: " I'm THOR.."
The girl interrupts: YOU'RE thor? I'm so thor I can't piss!".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face.
Mike says, "Hey Pat, what are you so happy for?"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,just waxin' my boat, and a big ol' redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Mike.
Tits out to here!!!!
She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim,Mike. She couldn't swim!!!!'
The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face.
Mike says, "What are you so happy about today Pat?"
"Well Mike... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just a waxi! n' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... big ol'titties out to here,Mike. I mean Tits out to here!!!
She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Absolutely, you can have a ride in my boat!'
So I took her way out there Mike. Wayyy out, much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' And she couldn't swim either, Mike! She couldn't swim!"
A few days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down at the end of the bar there cryin'
over a beer.
Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat again, just a waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAYYY out to here, Mike. I mean tits WAY out to here!
She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike, way WAY way out... much further than the last two.
I turned off the boat, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!'
Pat sobb's a bit and says 'She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike!
She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Comes under the heading of be careful of what you wish for. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The "F" Word
(Correct use of the "F" word)
When is @#$% Acceptable?
There have been only twelve times in history when the "F" word was considered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:
12. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are Sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
11. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
10. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877
9. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938
8. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926
7. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC
6. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566
5. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937
4. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC
3. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
Bill Clinton, 1998
2. "What do you mean there is no @%#*ing key to my ankle bracelet?"
-- Martha Stewart, 2005
and a drum roll please............!
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Young Johny comes home from school a bit confused, and asks his dad.
"What's the differance between a Vigina and a c***?"
"Well son l'll show you" says his father and takes him up stairs to the bedroom where his mother's sleeping. Lifting the blankets he says "look there son between your mothers legs, that hairy thing is a Vigina".
"Can l touch it father" says Johny.
"No son you'll wake the c*** up"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."
After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy has a red ring about halfway down his c**k so he goes to the emegency room to have it looked at. They tell him to go into this curtained room, get undressed and wait for the Dr. He is setting on the table when he hears the Dr. in the other room talking to another patient.
Dr."What seems to be your problem?"
Patient 1," I have this red ring about half way down my c**k and thought I should get it looked at."
The Dr. say's, "Let me see. HHhummmm. OK, here is what you do, Go home take a nice warm bath and wash yourself real good down there and you should be alright. That will be $10.00."
Patient 1 says thanks and leaves.
The Dr. comes into Patient 2s cube and says," What seems to be your problem?"
Patient 2 says ," I have a red ring about half way down my c**k, and thought I should get it looked at."
DR. " Ok let me see."
The Dr. looks and says," We are going to have to put you in isolation and maybe you will need surgery, it doesn't look good."
Patient 2," WHAT?? The guy next to me had a ring ring on his c**k and you told him to go take a bath!!!"
Dr. " Yes, but his was lipstick."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Hunger Pangs
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now."
"It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like maybe a juicy steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A farmer ordered a high tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.
When the fun was over though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the machine from himself.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.
Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.
"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin? with that wire?"
"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain?t just any ol? wire, this here?s chicken wire?I?m fixin? to catch me some chickens!"
"You can?t catch chickens with chicken wire!"
"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he?s got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.
Well, the farmer?s sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.
"Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin? with that tape?"
"Well, this here ain?t just any ol? tape, this here?s duck tape?I?m goin? huntin' for ducks!"
"You can?t catch ducks with duck tape!"
"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can?t believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.
The next day the farmer?s sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.
"Hey kid!" the farmer says, "Where ya goin? with that stick?"
"Well, this here ain?t just any old stick, this here?s beardedclam willow."
"Hang on," the farmer says, "I?ll get my hat."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.
'Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
'I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and gettin all out of breath. His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.
'Finally, I found out what was making them so sick-- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
'When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.
'Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.
'Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor -- lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel.
'The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.
'After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.
'Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something.
'This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport. .... The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area". He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap; then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge gazongas out for dinner; then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a chit first."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Why are camels called Ships Of The desert?
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Because they are full of Arab seamen.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An indian scout was guiding a buffalo hunter. He tested the wind with his finger then put his head to the ground for a listen. The indian stood and proclaimed, "buffalo come."
The hunter asked, "how can you tell?"
The indian scout replied, "ear stickum to ground."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side.. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and inquired, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope..........just when it's raining" !!! ...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Many colleges and business's tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an E-Mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individualinvolved, however:
TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses
10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu
9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu
8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - dickinme@iup.edu
6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu
5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - beeranbj@myplace.com
4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu
3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu
2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com
1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.com
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Question: What is the difference between light and hard?
Answer: You can fall asleep with a light on.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An American, an Australian and an Irishman are POWs in a prison camp during WW2. (Since the Germans fairly well observed the Geneva Conventions, I'll let you guess where they were)
The camp commandant informs the three that unless all three can display a total of 20" of dick -they will be executed.
All three men meet the requirement.
Later, talking among themselves, the Aussie says: " Lucky for you guys that I had 10".
The American says:" Don't forget that I added 8".
The Irishman says: " Lucky for you guys I had a hard on!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy has to leave on an extended business trip. He is married to a gorgeous woman who is also almost a nymphomaniac. Obviously the guy doesn't want her to be looking for other men while he is gone. He happens to spot an odd looking Caribbean curio shop and wanders in. He sees a number of all kinds of dildos but he is quite sure that his wife never would be satisfied by a dildo. He speaks to the old proprietor and asks about something to satisfy a woman - and that he is willing to spend a very great deal of money for the right item. The proprietor tells him that he has what he calls a "Voodoo dick" and brings it out from a safe. The guy looks at it and it seems to be a dildo just like any other. He says so. The proprietor says: " Ah, no! This is very special. Watch!" The proprietor says to the dildo: " keyhole!' Immediately the dildo is at the keyhole of the shop door and drilling into the keyhole of the door with a force and vibration that the door panels begin to split! The guy says he'll take it. After paying a huge sum, he takes the dildo home and explains to his wife that he is sure she will enjoy this dildo in his absence.
The husband now is gone several days and the wife is feeling very horny. She remembers about the dildo and tries it. It is heaven for her! She has repeated orgasms -but finally has come to a point of happy exhaustion. She can't figure out how to turn off the dildo. It keeps going and going!. Finally, in desperation, she dresses and decides to drive to a hospital emergency room.
As she is driving, the dildo keeps drilling and vibrating. She loses control of the car and lands in a ditch.
A police officer who has been following behind and suspecting drunk driving is right there. The wife explains frantically:" My husband bought me this awful Voodoo dick and now I can't get rid of it! This Voodoo dick is why I landed in the ditch!".
The cop says: " Voodoo dick, my ass!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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New Airport Security Device
Use your cursor to check for hidden contraban.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Couple of dangerous weapons present. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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A man walked into a bar dragging an alligator behind him. He announced to everyone there that he was taking bets. He was willing to bet that he could put his penis in the alligator's mouth, let it clamp down for 30 seconds, then he'd get the 'gator to open it's mouth - and he would be unhurt.
Everyone bet 5 or 10 dollars that he couldn't do it. The man then unzipped his pants and let the 'gator clamp down on his penis. The whole crowd started counting the seconds 1...2...3..., and when they reached 30, the man hit the alligator hard, two or three times, on top of its head with a beer bottle. The 'gator then opened its mouth, and the man withdrew, unhurt.
He collected all the bets, then waved the money in the air. He announced that he was now willing to bet $100 that no one else there could do the same thing. All the guys in the bar just shook their heads - no one wanted a piece of that action.
"Come on" said the man. "$100 dollars!".
Finally, a young woman sitting at the bar raised her hand. "I'll give it a try" she said, "But you've got to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.
When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"
His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed.
His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into he room and asked him to take this note to your beautiful Mommy."
The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to take this to your silly Daddy.
Her note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply.
Then, he asked his son to take it back to "the lady in the kitchen."
His note read:
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take this to the poor dude upstairs."
Her note read:
I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
Do It By Hand!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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BLOWJOB ETIQUETTE (BY A FEMALE)
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule 1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to *** on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule 3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule 5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like s**t so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to 8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule 2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I haveto "kiss it good morning."
A MAN'S THOUGHTS ON FELLATIO AKA REBUTTAL ETIQUETTE (BY A MALE)
1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.
7. You biatch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the tick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-teeit'll be "sound asleep."
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.
3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.
4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the
same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary
Kay on their face.
5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.
6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.
7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.
8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.
9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.
10. What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.
11. What's the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fishmarket.
12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker
and a lesbian?
One's a snackcracker, the other's a crack
snacker.
13. What do you have when you've got fifty
lesbians and fifty state workers?
One hundred people that don't do dick.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man is driving down a country road when he sees a sign,
"Apples $5.00 each."
Intrigued to find out why an apple should cost that much,
he stops and asks the farmer why the apples are so expensive.
The farmer says, "These are special peanut butter and jelly apples.
Here, try one."
The man takes a bite and says, "Unbelievable;
I taste the peanut butter but not the jelly."
The farmer says, "Turn it around."
He does and he savours a sweet jelly.
The farmer says,
"I've got ham and cheese apples, too, but they're $10.00 each."
The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says,
"Wow, these are great but I taste the ham but not the cheese."
The farmer says, "Turn it around."
He does, takes a bite and a rich, creamy cheese taste fills his mouth.
The farmer says, "Now, if you really like those,
I've got some very special apples that cost $50.00 each.
They're beardedclam apples."
The man cannot resist and buys one.
He takes a bite and says, "YUCK, these taste like chit!"
The farmer says, "Turn it around."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Test
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: It Hurts When...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I remember my very first condom
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went into a drugstore to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful 22 year old woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.
She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?"
Well! , I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.
"Well, come on," she insisted, "we don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"
I replied, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."
"Your wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man was shopping in the men's department at Blooming-
dale's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman
behind the sales counter. He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam."
She smiled pleasantly and asked, "And what would you like?"
"What would I like? I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth. And then I'd like to suck on your beautiful tits and bite your nipples lightly...
But what I came to do is buy is a new tie."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: Why Girls Ride Bikes
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man and his wife are having problems, so they go see a marriage counselor. As the counselor began his analysis, he asked the couple if there was anything they had in common. The husband spoke up,"well first off, neither of us sucks dicks!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A young man walks into a drugstore to purchase some condoms for his first time. He tells the lady behind the counter what he wants in a bashful kind of way.
She see's whats goin on so she asks him what size he needs.
He looks at her bewildered.
She tells him to go out back to the fench and there's three holes in it. See if it fits the little, medium or big one best.
As he heads out for the fence she runs around back of it pulls her britches down and backs up to the middle hole.
He tries the little hole....too small. Tries the big hole......too big. He hits the middle hole and gives it a few pokes and he's spent.
He returns to the counter to find the lady chewing gum and filing her nails. She peers over her glasses and asks him if he figured it out.
He says "Yeah i don't need any condoms but would yall be interested in selling about 10 ft of that fence out back?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Everything you always want to know about.... heck, just watch it.
Vagina Power - Atlanta Public Access Television
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I never had much luck with the ladies.
One night I went in to a bar and ordered 7 shots of Jack Black.
The bartender poured the shots and I proceeded to pour the drinks on my hand.
Bartender asked me what I was doing.
I replied,,getting my date drunk!!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Wesson wrasseling chicks are back in a longer version.
Not Kid Or Work safe
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Free Porn Site
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The wife says to her husband,honey,lets go to the motel where we got married 40 years ago.
The husband says sure. So they drive across the state, sure enough the motel is still there.
She goes in and comes back out with the key to the same room that they spent their honeymoon in. The wife goes into the bathroon and comes out with a short nightie on. The husband is sitting on the end of the bed.
She gets on the bed and spreads her legs and says" honey here it is".
The husband looks up and starts crying.
She says "Whats wrong?"
The husband says "40 years ago, I loved to eat that. Now it looks like it wants to eat me!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two cowboys were leanin' up against the rail at their favorite bar.... They're tired and worn out from along day. Havin a couple of longnecks, just relaxin' and talking, watchin' the women go by...
This really beautiful brunette walks by, and the two cowboys look at her, tip their hats back a little, look at each other, smile, and one of them says, "I'll give her a 3."
The other cowboy nods slowly, and says, "Yep. She's a 3 for sure."
Little while later another woman, this time a fantastic lookin redhead, comes walkin by in front of them...
First cowboy looks her up and down, smiles, takes a sip from his beer, and says to the second cowboy, "Well, I thinkthat one must be a 4." The second cowboy agrees and says, "Yep... she sure is a 4."
Time passes on, and the cowboys are still sippin' theirbeers, just watchin' folks pass. And across the room comes this absolutely gorgeous, drop-dead beautiful blonde.... As she comes near them, they both kind a straighten up, and tip their hats back a little for a better look. First cowboy smiles real wide, looks at his pal and says, "Damnnn! That one has GOT to be a 6."
The second cowboy nods slowly, grins, and says, "Yep. DEFINITELY a 6."
Well, the woman hears them.. and she is NOT amused...
She turns around real sharply and comes right up to thetwo grinning cowboys... She looks the first one in the eye and says, "Excuse me. But are you two actually standing there rating women?!?"
The cowboys look kind a embarrassed. .. lookin' down at their boots, and they both nod. One of them says, "Well, yes ma'am, we are, but you don't understand...."
She is REALLY mad now... and looks at the cowboy and says, "Well, I'll have you know I've been rated far higher than that by far better than YOU."
And the second cowboy says, "But, ma'am, you really don't understand!"
And she says, "Well. What is it I don't understand. Here you are, rating women. I understand THAT!."
And the first cowboy says, "But ma'am, we use a different kind a rating system....."
The blonde, says, "Oh. And what would THAT be? No one has EVER rated me a SIX before!"
And the second cowboy says, "Well, we use the Budweiser method, ma'am."
So she asks, "What the hell is the Budweiser method?"
And the first cowboy smiles, looks at her and says, reeeeal slowly, "Well ma'am, that's how many Clydesdales it would take to pull you off my face."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man shouted to his wife, "Come here and look at my clock!"
She walks in and finds him naked with a hard-on.
She says, 'That's not a clock!"
He says, "It will be when you put two hands and a face on it."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it
was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to
see if it was empty. It was empty.
'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back
room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
'Do these excite you?' she asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom
on As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her.
It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'I sure did,' and
held up my thumb to show her.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin.'
The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.'
The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'
'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'
'Tiger Woods.'
'Tiger Woods the golfer?'
'Yeah' .'Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.'
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
'What are you doing?' asks his wife.
The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.'
'Tiger wouldn't do that!' she claims.
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'
'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
'What are you doing?' she asks.
The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food.'
'Tiger wouldn't do that,' again she claims.
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'
'He'd come back to bed and do it a third time.'
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'
'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The middle-aged wife had just returned to the house on Saturday afternoon after a shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been rude.
It seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any knickers under her dress. Without even thinking, he just blurted out, "If that thing was full of ice cream, I'd eat every bite."
Well, she was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going to do about it.
The husband just sat there, watching football on TV, and grunted. The wife became hysterical, and insisted on knowing why he didn't go down to the shop and punch the rude salesman right in the nose.
"Well", the husband replied, "There are three reasons I won't punch that guy in the nose. First of all, you shouldn't have even been shopping for shoes, since you have a whole wardrobe full of them. Secondly, you have no business going shopping with no knickers on. But most of all, I'm not going to punch anyone who's big enough to eat that much ice cream!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A college student goes to the school therapist.
During the session, the therapist asks, "How is your sex life?"
"I have a lot of issues with sex," the student replies.
"What kind of issues?" the therapist asks.
"Oh, mostly Hustler and Penthouse..."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.
"Hey, how much you charge for one hour, sister?" he asks.
"$100," she replies.
With a heavy accent he says "Do you do Immigrant Style?"
"No" she says.
"I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style."
"No", she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.
"I pay you $300."
"No", she says.
"I pay you $400."
"No", she says.
So finally he say, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style."
She thinks, "Well, I"ve been in the game for over 10 year now.
I"ve had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world." How bad could Immigrant Style be? So she agrees and has sex with him. They do it in every kind of way.
Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is "Immigrant Style"?
The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying "Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up.
He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?" The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one."
So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples."
The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims "son of a gun - jelly!" The man says, "These apples are great - give me some!"
He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each." Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?"
The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one."
The guy takes a bit and exclaims, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy then says, "Let me guess - I have to turn it around."
The farmer says "You got it." The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again the man says, "These apples are great - give me some."
Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each." The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, "What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?"
The farmer tells him that "These apples are beardedclam apples. Here, try one."
The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This apple tastes like sh*t!"
The farmer says, "Turn it around!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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We were at a hunting cabin down south this spring. It's out in the middle of a thousand acreas of woods, over a mile from the blacktop, no phone, no cell coverage, no internet, no satellite..... just guns, liquor and ammo....what could go wrong there. Electronic deversions consist of a 12" tv/vcr combo and a bunch of kids movies from the 90's.
There's a ton of reading material laying around and to get out of the sun, I dragged a box of old magazines (not M A G A Z I N E S ) out on the covered porch where we were setting around drinking beers. One of the guys brought his 18 year old boy along.....we let him have a couple beers and he was feeling it. He starts pawing through the box of old magazines and finds a Playboy from 1978. His Dad raises and eyebrow but decides not to say anything to see how this plays out.....afterall, we need some entertainment. The kid start paging thru the Playboy and gets to the centerfold, holds it open in the classic fashion and gets this sick look on his face. Dad says "What's wrong boy...ain't cha never seen a naked woman?" Kid says "Chit Dad, I've been looking a Tiajuana Donkey Dance porn on the Internet since I was twelve.....but I've never seen a box as hairy as this....what was wrong with wimmen back then?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.
She asked,"How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl,"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied,"Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.
Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"
Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."
Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A trucker driving down a steep hill and was startled to find a man and woman lying in the center
of the road, making love. He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on the couple.
Realizing that they were not about to get out of the way, he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches away from them.
Getting out of the truck, madder than hell, the driver walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the couple, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell is the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me? You could have been killed!!!!"
The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming! You were the only one with brakes!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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halfasmuch
action hero
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4349
Loc: Upper Oakville
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Most everything regards sax startles Redleg/.//
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The difference between genius and stupidity
is that genius has its limits.
-Albert Einstein
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen.
"Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"
The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with
her privates.
"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother. So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.
While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so. Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.
"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.
He replied, "chit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her parents home. Id scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cork.Lobster. Champagne .
I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"
"No," she replied. "But my mothers not expecting a blow job tonight."
"I said enjoy."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.
"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems" Linda told her friend.
That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda.
"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed and they met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?"
"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"
With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.
But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"
"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios..."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Shooting At The Wrong Time!
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he went to see his doctor.
The doctor suggested that the man could solve his problem by startling himself whenever he thought that he was going to ejaculate.
So, the man went directly to a sporting goods store and bought a starter pistol. Then he went home to try the doctor's advice.
When he got home, he found his wife waiting for him on their bed,... naked! So he ripped off his clothes and began making love with her. Eventually, they wound up in the "69" position and then the man felt an enormous urge to ejaculate, so he cranked off a few shots with his new starter pistol.
They next day, he went back to the doctor and reported his results. He said, "It didn't work out for me, Doc! When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A college professor in an art class asked his students to sketch a naked man.
As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches, he noticed that one of the young ladies had sketched the man with an erection.
The professor said, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."
She replied, "What other way???"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Every time an Indian walks into the chief's teepee he sees that the chief is masturbating. They finally realize this is a serious problem, so they fix him up with a nice woman, and she starts living with him in his teepee.
One day, one of the Indians walks into to chief's teepee and there's the chief masturbating again.
He says, "Chief, what are you doing? We fix you up with a beautiful woman."
The chief says, "Her arm get tired."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking.
He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.
Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
Pass this safety information on to all your buddies!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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This real good looking babe looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Blue?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath, taste it."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their tits.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, “Yesterday."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Keith and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Keith says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred dollars. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."
She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?"
She says, "A hundred dollars."
He replies, "All I got is thirty."
She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Keith and asks. "What now. What can he get for thirty?"
"A hand job," Keith replied. She runs back and tell the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.
He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back..." She runs back to Keith.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy dollars?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Man Quiz...
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the dickskin rocket to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep..."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place...
Evaluating Results:
-If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
-If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.
-If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU ARE A MAN'S MAN"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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The man's man.
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The new Royal Baby, George, has already done three of the things on my bucket list.
1. Become a billionaire
2. Meet the Queen
3. Sucked Kate Middleton's Tits
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Burrhead
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3075
Loc: Just north of Bugtussle
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Somebody has to walk the point.
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wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5207
Loc: uphill
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "They gave those away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5207
Loc: uphill
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "They gave those away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
Some how I don't see Hallmark ever making this into a Valentine's card 
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists, and in my case, a new urologist.
My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.
She told me that I need to stop masturbating.
I asked her why.
She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?'
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down?'
The woman replied, 'Down.'
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,’ Up or down ?'
She replied, 'Up.'
This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fork or drown!!!”
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car. The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?”
Charlie replied, “Driving to Chicago!” The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, “Well Charlie, how are you doing?” Charlies says, “I just got into Chicago.”
“Great,” replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.
Shocked, she asks, “Bob, what are you doing?” Bob says, “I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago!”
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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