SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.
'Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
'I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and gettin all out of breath. His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.
'Finally, I found out what was making them so sick-- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
'When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.
'Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.
'Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor -- lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel.
'The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.
'After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.
'Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something.
'This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport. .... The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area". He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap; then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge gazongas out for dinner; then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a chit first."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Why are camels called Ships Of The desert?
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Because they are full of Arab seamen.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An indian scout was guiding a buffalo hunter. He tested the wind with his finger then put his head to the ground for a listen. The indian stood and proclaimed, "buffalo come."
The hunter asked, "how can you tell?"
The indian scout replied, "ear stickum to ground."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side.. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and inquired, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope..........just when it's raining" !!! ...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Many colleges and business's tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an E-Mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individualinvolved, however:
TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses
10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu
9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu
8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - dickinme@iup.edu
6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu
5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - beeranbj@myplace.com
4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu
3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu
2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com
1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.com
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Question: What is the difference between light and hard?
Answer: You can fall asleep with a light on.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An American, an Australian and an Irishman are POWs in a prison camp during WW2. (Since the Germans fairly well observed the Geneva Conventions, I'll let you guess where they were)
The camp commandant informs the three that unless all three can display a total of 20" of dick -they will be executed.
All three men meet the requirement.
Later, talking among themselves, the Aussie says: " Lucky for you guys that I had 10".
The American says:" Don't forget that I added 8".
The Irishman says: " Lucky for you guys I had a hard on!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy has to leave on an extended business trip. He is married to a gorgeous woman who is also almost a nymphomaniac. Obviously the guy doesn't want her to be looking for other men while he is gone. He happens to spot an odd looking Caribbean curio shop and wanders in. He sees a number of all kinds of dildos but he is quite sure that his wife never would be satisfied by a dildo. He speaks to the old proprietor and asks about something to satisfy a woman - and that he is willing to spend a very great deal of money for the right item. The proprietor tells him that he has what he calls a "Voodoo dick" and brings it out from a safe. The guy looks at it and it seems to be a dildo just like any other. He says so. The proprietor says: " Ah, no! This is very special. Watch!" The proprietor says to the dildo: " keyhole!' Immediately the dildo is at the keyhole of the shop door and drilling into the keyhole of the door with a force and vibration that the door panels begin to split! The guy says he'll take it. After paying a huge sum, he takes the dildo home and explains to his wife that he is sure she will enjoy this dildo in his absence.
The husband now is gone several days and the wife is feeling very horny. She remembers about the dildo and tries it. It is heaven for her! She has repeated orgasms -but finally has come to a point of happy exhaustion. She can't figure out how to turn off the dildo. It keeps going and going!. Finally, in desperation, she dresses and decides to drive to a hospital emergency room.
As she is driving, the dildo keeps drilling and vibrating. She loses control of the car and lands in a ditch.
A police officer who has been following behind and suspecting drunk driving is right there. The wife explains frantically:" My husband bought me this awful Voodoo dick and now I can't get rid of it! This Voodoo dick is why I landed in the ditch!".
The cop says: " Voodoo dick, my ass!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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New Airport Security Device
Use your cursor to check for hidden contraban.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Couple of dangerous weapons present. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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A man walked into a bar dragging an alligator behind him. He announced to everyone there that he was taking bets. He was willing to bet that he could put his penis in the alligator's mouth, let it clamp down for 30 seconds, then he'd get the 'gator to open it's mouth - and he would be unhurt.
Everyone bet 5 or 10 dollars that he couldn't do it. The man then unzipped his pants and let the 'gator clamp down on his penis. The whole crowd started counting the seconds 1...2...3..., and when they reached 30, the man hit the alligator hard, two or three times, on top of its head with a beer bottle. The 'gator then opened its mouth, and the man withdrew, unhurt.
He collected all the bets, then waved the money in the air. He announced that he was now willing to bet $100 that no one else there could do the same thing. All the guys in the bar just shook their heads - no one wanted a piece of that action.
"Come on" said the man. "$100 dollars!".
Finally, a young woman sitting at the bar raised her hand. "I'll give it a try" she said, "But you've got to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.
When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"
His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed.
His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into he room and asked him to take this note to your beautiful Mommy."
The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to take this to your silly Daddy.
Her note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply.
Then, he asked his son to take it back to "the lady in the kitchen."
His note read:
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take this to the poor dude upstairs."
Her note read:
I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
Do It By Hand!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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BLOWJOB ETIQUETTE (BY A FEMALE)
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule 1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to *** on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule 3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule 5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like s**t so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to 8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule 2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I haveto "kiss it good morning."
A MAN'S THOUGHTS ON FELLATIO AKA REBUTTAL ETIQUETTE (BY A MALE)
1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.
7. You biatch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the tick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-teeit'll be "sound asleep."
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.
3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.
4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the
same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary
Kay on their face.
5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.
6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.
7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.
8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.
9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.
10. What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.
11. What's the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fishmarket.
12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker
and a lesbian?
One's a snackcracker, the other's a crack
snacker.
13. What do you have when you've got fifty
lesbians and fifty state workers?
One hundred people that don't do dick.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man is driving down a country road when he sees a sign,
"Apples $5.00 each."
Intrigued to find out why an apple should cost that much,
he stops and asks the farmer why the apples are so expensive.
The farmer says, "These are special peanut butter and jelly apples.
Here, try one."
The man takes a bite and says, "Unbelievable;
I taste the peanut butter but not the jelly."
The farmer says, "Turn it around."
He does and he savours a sweet jelly.
The farmer says,
"I've got ham and cheese apples, too, but they're $10.00 each."
The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says,
"Wow, these are great but I taste the ham but not the cheese."
The farmer says, "Turn it around."
He does, takes a bite and a rich, creamy cheese taste fills his mouth.
The farmer says, "Now, if you really like those,
I've got some very special apples that cost $50.00 each.
They're beardedclam apples."
The man cannot resist and buys one.
He takes a bite and says, "YUCK, these taste like chit!"
The farmer says, "Turn it around."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Test
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: It Hurts When...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I remember my very first condom
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went into a drugstore to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful 22 year old woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.
She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?"
Well! , I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.
"Well, come on," she insisted, "we don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"
I replied, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."
"Your wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man was shopping in the men's department at Blooming-
dale's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman
behind the sales counter. He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam."
She smiled pleasantly and asked, "And what would you like?"
"What would I like? I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth. And then I'd like to suck on your beautiful tits and bite your nipples lightly...
But what I came to do is buy is a new tie."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: Why Girls Ride Bikes
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man and his wife are having problems, so they go see a marriage counselor. As the counselor began his analysis, he asked the couple if there was anything they had in common. The husband spoke up,"well first off, neither of us sucks dicks!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A young man walks into a drugstore to purchase some condoms for his first time. He tells the lady behind the counter what he wants in a bashful kind of way.
She see's whats goin on so she asks him what size he needs.
He looks at her bewildered.
She tells him to go out back to the fench and there's three holes in it. See if it fits the little, medium or big one best.
As he heads out for the fence she runs around back of it pulls her britches down and backs up to the middle hole.
He tries the little hole....too small. Tries the big hole......too big. He hits the middle hole and gives it a few pokes and he's spent.
He returns to the counter to find the lady chewing gum and filing her nails. She peers over her glasses and asks him if he figured it out.
He says "Yeah i don't need any condoms but would yall be interested in selling about 10 ft of that fence out back?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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