Cafeoutdoors.com: Flatulence And Other Bottom Of The Pyle Stuff

Flatulence 101

Where does fart gas come from?

The gas in our intestines comes from several sources: air we swallow, gas seeping into our intestines from our blood, gas produced by chemical reactions in our guts, and gas produced by bacteria living in our guts.

What is fart gas made of?

The composition of fart gas is highly variable.
Most of the air we swallow, especially the oxygen component, is absorbed by the body before the gas
gets into the intestines. By the time the air reaches the large intestine, most of what is left is nitrogen. Chemical reactions between stomach acid and intestinal fluids may produce carbon dioxide, which is also a component of air and a product of bacterial action. Bacteria also produce hydrogen and methane. But the relative proportions of these gases that emerge from our anal opening depend on several factors: what we ate, how much air we swallowed, what kinds of bacteria we have in our intestines, and how long we hold in the fart. The longer a fart is held in, the larger the proportion of boring, inert nitrogen it contains, because the other gases tend to be absorbed into the bloodstream through the walls of the intestine. A nervous person who swallows a lot of air and who moves stuff through his digestive system rapidly may have a lot of oxygen in his farts, because his body didn't have time to absorb the oxygen. Encyclopaedia Britannica offers the intriguing statement that some people's farts contain no methane. The reason for this is apparently unknown. Some researchers suspect a genetic influence, whereas others think the anomaly is due to environmental factors. However, all methane in any farts comes from bacterial action and not from human cells.

What makes farts stink?

The odor of farts comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and skatole in the mixture. These compounds contain sulfur. The more sulfur-rich your diet, the more sulfides and skatole will be produced by the bacteria in your guts, and the more your farts will stink. Foods such as cauliflower, eggs and meat are notorious for producing smelly farts, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky farts.

Why do farts make noise?

The sounds are produced by vibrations of the anal opening. Sounds depend on the velocity of expulsion of the gas and the tightness of the sphincter muscles of the anus.

How much gas does a normal person pass per day?

On average, a person produces about half a liter of fart gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts. Whereas it may be difficult for you to determine your daily flatus volume, you can certainly keep track of your daily numerical fart count. You might try this as a science fair project: Keep a journal of everything you eat and a count of your farts. You might make a note of the potency of their odor as well. See if you can discover a relationship between what you eat, how much you fart, and how much they smell.

How does a fart travel to the anus?

One may wonder why fart gas travels downward toward the anus when gas has a lower density than liquids and solids, and should therefore travel upwards. The intestine squeezes its contents toward the anus in a series of contractions, a process called peristalsis. The process is stimulated by eating, which is why we often need to poop and fart right after a meal. Peristalsis creates a zone of high pressure, forcing all intestinal contents, gas included, to move towards a region of lower pressure, which is toward the anus. Gas is more mobile than other components, and small bubbles coalesce to from larger bubbles en route to the exit. When peristalsis is not active, gas bubbles may begin to percolate upwards again, but they won't get very far due to the complicated and convoluted shape of the intestine. Furthermore, the anus is neither up nor down when a person is lying down.

How long does it take fart gas to travel to someone else's nose?

Fart travel time depends on atmospheric conditions such as humidity and wind speed, as well as the distance between the fart transmitter and the fart receiver. Farts also disperse (spread out) as they leave the source, and their potency diminishes with dilution. Generally, if the fart is not detected within a few seconds, it will be too dilute for perception and will be lost into the atmosphere forever. Exceptional conditions exist when the fart is released into a small enclosed area such as an elevator, a small room, or a car. These conditions limit the amount of dilution possible, and the fart may remain in a smellable concentration for a long period of time, until it condenses on the walls.

Is it true that some people never fart?

No, not if they're alive. People even fart shortly after death.

Do even movie stars fart?

Yes, of course. So do grandmothers, priests, kings, presidents, opera singers, beauty queens, and nuns. Even Yoda farts.

Do men fart more than women?

No, women fart just as much as men. It's just that
most men take more pride in it than most women.
There is a large variation among individuals in the amount of fart gas produced per day, but the variation does not correlate with gender. I have read that men fart more often than women. If this is true, then women must be saving it up and expelling more gas per fart than men do.

At what time of day is a gentleman most likely to
fart?

A gentleman is mostly likely to fart first thing in the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as "morning thunder," and if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household.

Why are beans so notorious for making people fart?

Beans contain sugars that we humans cannot digest.
When these sugars reach our intestines, the bacteria go wild, have a big feast, and make lots of gas! Other notorious fart-producing foods include corn, bell peppers, cabbage, milk, and raisins. A friend of mine had a dog who was exceptionally fond of apples and turnips. The dog would eat these things and then get prodigious gas. A dog's digestive system is not equipped to handle such vegetable matter, so the dog's bacteria worked overtime to produce remarkable flatulence.

What things other than diet can make a person fart
more than usual?

People who swallow a lot of air fart more than people who don't. This can be cured somewhat by chewing with your mouth closed. Nervous people with fast moving bowels will fart more because less air is absorbed out of the intestines. Some disease conditions can cause excess flatulence. And going up in an airplane or other low-pressure environment can cause the gas inside you to expand and emerge as flatulence.

Is a fart really just a burp that comes out the
wrong end?

No, a burp emerges from the stomach and has a different chemical composition from a fart. Farts have less atmospheric gas content and more bacterial gas content than burps.

Is it harmful to hold in farts?

There are differences in opinion on this one.
Certainly, people have believed for centuries that retaining flatulence is bad for the health. Emperor Claudius even passed a law legalizing farting at banquets out of concern for peoples' health. There was a widespread belief that a person could be poisoned or catch a disease by retaining farts. Doctors I have spoken to recently have told me that there is no particular harm in holding in farts. Farts will not poison you; they are a natural component of your intestinal contents. The worst thing that can happen is that you may get a stomach ache from the gas pressure. But one doctor suggested that pathological distention of the bowel could result if a person holds in farts too much.

How long would it be possible to not fart?

As I understand it, a captive fart can escape as soon as the person relaxes. This means that a lot of people who assiduously refrain from farting during the day do so at great length as soon as they fall asleep. Having been on a great many overnight field trips, long bus trips, and trans-Pacific flights, I can personally vouch for the fact that lots of people do fart voluminously as they doze off. So the answer to the question would be, you can refrain from farting as long as you can stay awake!

Where do farts go when you hold them in?

How often have you held in a fart, intending to release it at the first appropriate opportunity, only to find that the fart has disappeared when you are ready for it? I asked several doctors where the fart goes. Does it leak out slowly without the person knowing it? Is it absorbed into the bloodstream? What happens to it? The doctors agree that the fart is neither released nor absorbed. It simply migrates back upward into the intestine and comes out later. It is reassuring to know that such farts aren't really lost, just delayed.

Is it really possible to ignite farts?

The answer to that is yes! However, you should be aware that people get injured igniting flatulence.
Not only can the flame back up into your colon, but your clothing or other surroundings may catch on fire. A survey done by Fartcloud (the site, alas! is not more) indicates that about a quarter of the people who ignited their farts got burned doing it. Ignition of flatulence is a hazardous practice. There have also been cases in which intestinal gases with a higher than normal oxygen content have exploded during surgery when electric cautery was used by the surgeon.

Why is possible to burn farts?

Farts burn because they contain methane (usually) and hydrogen, both of which are flammable gases.
(Hydrogen was the same gas that was used in the ill fated Hindenburg dirigible.) Farts tend to burn with a blue or yellow flame.

Is it possible to light a match with a fart?

No, even strike-anywhere matches have their limits, unless the fart has the consistency of sandpaper! Any fart that rough I would hesitate to call a fart. Also, farts have the same temperature as the body from which they emerge, and aren't hot enough to initiate combustion.

Are there any books about farting?

There are several! My favorite is the new book, Who Cut the Cheese: A Cultural History of the Fart by Jim Dawson. This book provides an entertaining and thought-provoking history of the fart in literature, language and society. It is very informative and very funny! Ben Franklin's classic Fart Proudly is still in print. There is a collection of suggestive photographs called Who Farted Now? by St. Martin's Press. Most of the photos come from old movies and political shots. For children, we have the famous The Gas We Pass : The Story of Farts by Shinta Cho, and Amanda Mayer Stinchecum (Translator), and the Canadian picture book, Good Families Don't , by Alan Daniel and Robert N. Munsch, about a highly visible fart infesting a proper middle class family.

Is it possible for a talented person to earn a living through flatulence?

Few people earn their living directly via flatulence. But a friend of mine says that he saw a carnival act in which the performer whistled tunes with his farts, blew out candles on the opposite side of the stage, and sent flames all the way across the stage. A famous performer who earned his living this way was Le Petomane, who performed in France at the beginning of the 20th Century. However, my friend isn't old enough to have seen Le Petomane, so maybe he had a chance to see Mr. Methane. Mr. Methane lays claim to the distinction of being the world's only performing flatulist. However, people may also earn a living through the prevention of flatulence (as do the manufacturers and sellers of Beano and other products), through the practice of medicine specializing in the treatment of flatulence and other gastrointestinal problems, by writing books about flatulence (see the question before this one), and through the production and sales of various fart gags such as whoopee cushions and farts in a can. Fartypants sells a fart filter and a number of other fart-related products. Maybe, if you're lucky, you'll be able to find a copy of Le Petomane's biography by searching at alibris by clicking on the link below. Last time I checked, they had two copies available!

Why do dog and cat farts smell so bad?

A carnivore's protein-rich diet produces relatively small amounts of intensely stinky gas because proteins contain lots of sulfur. A dog's or cat's farts are rarely audible, but the odor is overwhelming. I have asked biologists why dogs and cats generally fart silently, and their theories
include: (1) the amount of gas produced is small, but potent, (2) the horizontal orientation of their gastrointestinal system puts less pressure on the anal opening, so the gas is expelled more slowly, (3) their anal sphincters don't close as tightly as humans' because it takes less force to hold in the contents of the colon -- again because of the horizontal orientation of the gastrointestinal system -- and a loose anus makes less sound, and, my favorite (4) dogs and cats don't feel embarrassed about farting, so their sphincters are more relaxed, leading to less noisy flatulence. Mike F. points out that many dog foods are soy-based, so on top of all the above factors, add beans and stand back! Large herbivorous animals such as cows, horses and elephants, on the other hand, produce vast quantities of relatively non-stinky fart gas. The farts of these animals are noisy and can go on for astoundingly long periods of time. Cows in particular are productive, in part because they swallow huge amounts of air. They need oxygen in their guts for the various protozoa employed there as digestive aids.

Do fish fart?

According to our ichthyologist at the University of Guam, fish flatulence per se has not been studied, although people have investigated fish digestion. They find that although most fish have alkaline intestinal environments like our own, coral-eating fish have acidic intestinal contents. The acid serves to dissolve coral skeletal material. Coral has the same composition as Tums (calcium carbonate). One product of the reaction between acid and calcium carbonate is carbon dioxide gas. Therefore, it is logical to assume that coral-eating fish fart a lot. The other fish probably fart also, for the same reasons that we do. However, Mike Pulte, a great fish enthusiast, said that he has never seen a fish do it. I asked our ichthyologist if it were possible that fish gas would go into the swim bladder instead of out the anal opening. He said that modern fish have an air bladder that is independent of the gastrointestinal tract. The gas comes from enzymatic activity and not from the intestine. Older models of fish have their swim bladder connected to the gastrointestinal tract, but it is attached high up, closer to the mouth than to the other end, and these fish come to the surface and gulp air to fill the bladder. Therefore, we can assume that intestinal gas leaves the fish through the anal opening. We also pondered the possibility of fish making noise via flatulence, but apparently most fish noises are made through belching rather than farting. Lisa P., an aquarium enthusiast, reports that she has seen her fish fart: "I have four aquariums and many fish, and I have personally witnessed fish farting! My goldfish used to do it all the time! You'd see a little bubble come out of his anus and stay there, trapped in the mucus of a long string of poop. (Ugh!) And my opaline gourami does it too. Neither of these are coral-eating fish. I have only owned two coral-eating fish so far, but I have never seen either of them fart. It seems most likely to me that much of this gas comes from air swallowed during eating. Also, goldfish have a very simple digestive system and their food is absorbed inefficiently, so possibly the bacteria have more to feed on?"

Do turtles fart?

Yes, turtles do fart, and their farts smell incredibly bad, as do the farts of snakes. In fact, it is my opinion, based on personal experience with reptiles and not on any formal research, that many reptiles use farts as a weapon. Reptile farts smell so bad that sometimes you can tell that one is nearby in the woods, even on a windy day, before you can see the animal. One day I was hiking through the woods in Arkansas with a friend and I told my friend, "I smell a snake fart." A second later, the snake crawled across the path. Astounding but true!

What kind of animal has the highest worldwide output of flatulence?

Believe it or not, the animal that wins this honor is the humble termite. Because of their diet and digestive processes (with more than the usual microbial assistance), they produce as much methane as human industry. Termite farts are believed to be a major contributor towards global warming.

Is there any kind of animal that doesn't fart?

If we define a fart to be an anal escape of intestinal gas, then it follows that animals that lack intestines or an anus cannot fart. Most animals possess intestines and an anus, but there are some that don't. These include: Sponges: These organisms lack true tissues and organs. They have just a few types of cells organized into a bag with holes in it. Water flows into some holes and out other holes. Sponges are so different from other animals that some biologists think we shouldn't even call them animals. Cnidaria: This phylum includes the jellyfish, corals, sea anemones and hydra. Their tissues are organized into a bag with a mouth surrounded by stinging tentacles. Food enters the mouth and is digested inside the bag, after which the leftovers are expelled via the same opening. In effect, the same hole serves as both a mouth and an anus. Any gas expelled by a cnidarian would be more appropriately termed a belch rather than a fart, since the animal lacks intestines and separate anus.

Pogonophoran worms: These remarkable animals, who dwell on the sea floor near active volcanic regions associated with mid-ocean ridges, possess no mouth, no stomach, no intestines, and no anus. Apparently they retain their svelte, worm-shaped figures by giving up on eating completely! They survive by means of a mutualistic relationship with chemosynthetic bacteria that live in their flesh. Anyway, these animals cannot possibly fart.

A second category of animals that probably don't fart are animals that live very deep underwater. At high pressures, gas remains in solution rather than forming bubbles. So there is a good chance that all those clams, echinoderms, fish and other animals living near the sealer don't fart because their farts stay in solution and never emerge as bubbles, even though the animals possess perfectly good intestines and anuses.

Is it possible to leave a brown spot on your pants because of a fart, and if so, what causes it?

Judging from what I see when I do the laundry, I'd say that the answer to the first question is definitely yes. As for the causes, we must remember that what we call "fart" and what we call "poop" are just end-members of a continuum. That is, we can have a pure fart, or a pure poop, or anything in-between, depending upon the mixture of the two. If a sample consists mostly of poop with only asmall fart component, you get such things asjet-propelled bowel movements and spongy, floating fecal masses (you know, the ones that refuse to be flushed down the toilet -- they keep popping back up). If the sample consists mostly of fart with only a small poop component, you get what is known as "skid marks" or "fart art." These can also result from inadequate wiping, but the shape of the stain is different in the two cases. Inadequate wiping leads to elongate marks parallel to one's crack, usually with well-defined edges, whereas fart art is generally more circular and has an air-brushed look.

Fart art is most likely to occur if (1) a person is suffering from diarrhea, (2) the person is trying too hard to fart, and (3) the person mistakenly perceives the pressure against his sphincter to be gas pressure rather than liquid pressure. Again, that last situation is most likely to occur if the person is afflicted with diarrhea.

How can we tell when it's only gas needing to come out, rather than something more serious?

Our ability to distinguish between the need to fart and the need to poop is something that we learn gradually in the process of toilet training and early childhood. With the tactile nerve endings in the ****** area, we can actually feel different sensations depending upon what is waiting by the exit. Of course, sometimes we are fooled, especially if the substance at hand is extremely fluid in nature, and that is when we have the unfortunate accident of venting a squirt of diarrhea rather than an innocent fart.

Why do chicks always deny farting?

I suppose I should start by saying that only some chicks deny farting. The rest of us acknowledge our gaseous accomplishments with pride. However, a great many sisters do deny farting. The reason is that they have been misled into thinking that farts are not ladylike. It is a great mistake to say that farting is not ladylike. The reason is that all people fart, including ladies. Anything that ladies do is by definition ladylike, and that includes the emission of anal gases.

Is is possible that, by inhaling other people's farts all day long, my own farts will smell more?

No, inhaled farts would go into the lungs rather than into the digestive system, and would simply be exhaled again, although it might be possible that some of the fart components might be absorbed into the blood. If you wanted to benefit from other people's farts in the way you describe, you would have to swallow them somehow.

Is it possible to get stoned after inhaling two or
three farts in a row?

I am not aware of any intoxicating agents in flatulence. However, most farts contain very little oxygen, and you may experience dizziness if you are inhaling overly concentrated fart essence, simply from lack of oxygen. On the other hand, if you are inhaling farts in the open air and are breathing rapidly in order to inhale as much fart as possible, you may be hyperventilating, which also induces dizziness.

Then there is the intrinsic hilarity factor: farts are so funny in both sound and odor that you might feel high just from the basic entertainment value of farts.

Is it possible for a fart to kill you?

A great many of you have asked if farts can be fatal, or if you can die from smelling a particularly bad fart. My initial response to this question was "no," but I thought I'd better ask a doctor. So now it is official, the medical opinion I received is no, a fart can't kill you. However, if you really work hard at it, you can manage to kill yourself with just about anything. I recently read of a man who hooked up his nose to his anus with a system involving a gas mask, rubber tubing and a hollow wooden post. He died of suffocation. This story comes from the Darwin
Awards, and I personally cannot attest to the overall veracity of their stories. The story of the bed-bound obese man who died from inhaling his own flatulence (and whose farts almost killed the paramedics) is an urban legend that has been in circulation for some time.

Can excessive farting cause impotence?

That depends on the tolerance level of the person with whom one is trying to be potent! Fortunately for humans, farting doesn't cause tissue damage. Other animals aren't so lucky. Soldier termites can actually turn themselves into bombs by detonating themselves via the explosive release of gas and feces, a process called "autothysis."

Is it possible to inhale (suck in air) via one's anal opening?

Yes, but it's a rare talent. The great early 20th Century French flatulist, Le Petomane, was able to do this, and in fact was able to suck up an entire bowlful of water (just the water, not the bowl) into his colon and expel it again with considerable force. By sucking in large quantities of air, he was able to perform lengthy shows on stage, and could imitate musical instruments, farm animals, and bird songs, whistle melodies, and play the ocarina. His productions were said to be virtually odorless, which is to be expected from air obtained directly from the outside. Here is a message I received recently (November, 1999) regarding the skill of inhaling via the anus:

"I would just like you to know that i am part of a trio, who can suck in air in our anal openings. we are somewhat air-bandits. we can let the longest farts you have ever heard. our record holder, chad, stands at 24 sec. the record for most farts in a row is derek, at 492. and i, robert, have earned such nicknames as: Mad Crapper, gurglemeister, and old wetful. We have followed Le Petomane example, and have mastered the art of farting."

What causes the burning sensation that sometimes accompanies a fart?

This is generally caused by a recent meal of hot peppers or related spices. The oils associated with these foods remain intact and active all the way through one's gastrointestinal system.

If you fart in the bathtub, is the water polluted and should you refill the tub?

As long as what comes out is only fart and no poop, our bath water should not be significantly polluted. Most of the gas just bubbles up and contaminates the air rather than the water.

Is it true that a woman can fart out of her, shall we say, frontal opening, and if so, where does the gas come from?

Yes, it is true! The gas that emerges is simply trapped air, for there is no gas production in the genitalia of a woman. The air can enter because the system is open to the outside. This highly specialized kind of fart is sometimes called a *****.

Can a man fart out of his genital opening?

I have asked various men this question and they all deny it emphatically.

Is it possible to capture a fart in a jar and save
it for later use?

It should be theoretically possible to do this, but there would be lots of logistical problems. I would suggest using a plastic bag instead of a jar. You might try the following as a science fair experiment: Fart into several plastic bags and seal them carefully. Then fill several other plastic bags with ordinary air. Wait 24 hours. Then get volunteers to smell the contents of the bags to see if they can correctly identify which ones contain the farts. This should tell you if it is possible to store a fart in any useful way.

Malachi and Megaera have come up with a way to capture a fart in a jar. They say to do it in the bathtub while bathing. Fill the jar with bath water and then hold it with the open end downward. Lean back in the bathtub so that your fart bubbles will emerge in front of you rather than behind you where you can't see them. Catch the bubbles in the jar, and put the lid on the jar while it's still underwater. This way, you capture a fairly pure fart uncontaminated by atmospheric air. To enjoy your captured fart to the fullest extent, make sure that your jar does not already smell like whatever was it it before, like pickles or peanut butter.

Is it weird to enjoy farting?

It is not unusual to enjoy farting. I believe that enjoyment of farting is a healthy attitude, since everyone has to fart. If a person is farting to the extent that it creates problems and unhappiness, then a visit to a doctor is in order.

What color is a fart?

Farts are, alas, colorless. All of the gases that make up farts have no inherent color. But just think of how interesting it would be if farts were bright orange like nitrogen dioxide gas! It would certainly take the mystery out of who farted. Never-the-less, a high-personality gas like fart gas suggests color to people. Some people envision farts as brown, others as green or yellow. I have always thought of farts as brown, presumably because poop is brown. When someone farts in our car, that person might say, "You better not breathe through your mouth for awhile, or your teeth will turn brown." I knew a toddler who used to draw pictures of farts as yellow rectangles full of holes, like a slice of Swiss cheese. She thought of farts as yellow, and said that she knew they were rectangular because she could feel the sharp corners scraping against her on the way out!

Do other people smell a fart better than the farter?

The fart should smell just as much for the person who created it as it does for other people. However, the farter is somewhat protected by having the fart propelled away from his body in a direction opposite to his nose. Farting upwind nullifies this advantage.

Why is it that when you scratch your ass through two layers of clothing (your underwear and your jeans) your fingers still stink?

As pointed out by Barb F., who contributed the term listed below, a fart can be regarded as "aerosolized poop," which means that microscopic fragments and droplets of poop are actually distributed throughout the gaseous matrix of the fart. When delivered from the anus with some force, the components of the fart can penetrate one's clothing and these tiny particles can be trapped in the fibers of the cloth. The particles are transferred to your fingers and then your nose when you scratch and sniff.

Where does the word "fart" come from?

According to Eric Partridge in his excellent book of word origins (Origins: A Short Etymological Dictionary of Modern English), our word fart comes from the Old English word feortan, presumably of echoic origin, meaning that the word was chosen to sound like the object named.

When it is cold outside and you fart, can you see it like you can see your breath?

Now, that's an interesting idea! My guess would be yes, since farts are nice and moist like our breath, but this is one question that I'm not in a position to answer. I live in the tropics, and it never gets cold here. So all of you who live in cold places, try it out and let me know. I'd guess that there are really two questions here: can you see the fart with no pants on, and can you see the fart even with pants on.

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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."

Some days defy description....

After finding out that the local FFL doing a transfer on a S&W M&P pistol for me STILL has not gotten the package (making me wonder if the package is lost or stolen at this point...) I get a call from the family saying they want to go grab something to eat.

So I says to myself, "Self", I says...."A nice dinner out will be relaxing and will take your mind off of your MIA handgun for a while. Let's do it!"

So I meet everyone at the restaurant and look forward to a nice relaxing hour or so....but as soon as I walk in I see Jimmy Carter's mug on a TV where they are running CNN. At that moment some part of my brain said "You should probably just turn around and go home. Nothing good can come of this." ...but being the rational person I am I dismissed this instinct because it was, after all, just a former President on TV...not an omen.

So we are seated and place our order. Across the roughly four foot aisle there is another group of people seated, mostly middle-aged. It's still early so the college kids haven't infected every restaurant yet. They are sharing a large pizza and a couple of them have salads along with the pizza. The man sitting on the outside corner of the table is positioned so that he is facing me...he also has a couple of beer bottles on the table.

Time passes with the usual small talk that happens among family as our drinks and salads begin to arrive. The folks across the aisle, apart from being a tad louder than I would have preferred, seem to be relatively nice folks. As I look around (I am always on the lookout when in public....it pays to be safe) I notice a slight irregularity in the clothing of the guy sitting across from me and so I begin paying very careful attention to him in as discrete a manner as possible, thinking that he might have a weapon. I wasn't panicked because there are a large number of CCW holders around these parts and this guy didn't seem to be any sort of threat, but I always like to know who around me is packing heat.

As I am doing my clandestine recon, I glance at his salad and see movement. "That's not right..." I thought...so I looked harder. And there, climbing up one of his cro?tons, is the biggest damn cockroach I have ever seen.

So much for my appetite.

Before the revulsion can begin in earnest, however, I notice that his fork is coming down into the salad plate...heading right for the cro?ton. I realize what is about to happen and begin to get up and approach his table as quickly as I can....everything goes into slow motion.

I see his fork stab the cro?ton and he pulls the fork toward his mouth...with it's disgusting passenger on board. I am now standing up and moving toward him saying "NO!! WAIT.." but because of the noise he doesn't hear me. I see half the cro?ton disappear into his mouth and then....

CRUNCH

He has just bitten the cro?ton and it's hideous little passenger in half.

His demeanor changes. He realizes something is wrong. He looks at his fork and sees the front half of a very large and very nasty looking cockroach on half of his cro?ton. He makes a gasping noise as he drops his fork and shoots upright all in one quick motion. Even in the miserable lighting in the restaurant I can see him go pale instantly and grab at his throat.

"Oh crap...He's choking!" I thought to myself, so I continued my approach in preparation of doing the Heimlich if it was necessary.

His dining companions are puzzled..."George, what's wrong?" "Honey are you alright?" "Oh my god, he's choking!"....George is hunched over with his hands in the classic "I'm Choking!" position.

I am right next to him now and grab him by the shoulder, spin him around to look him in the face and say in a loud voice "ARE YOU CHOKING??" apparently remembering my first aid training.

George looks up at me, and I think the guy is in real trouble. I begin to move around him to perform the Heimlich, when George turns his head towards me.....

....And vomits.

Now when I say that George vomited, I don't mean that he burped up a little. I mean he let loose a stream of vomit so powerful it felt like it was coming from a fire hose....

...You'll notice I say "felt" in that previous sentence and you might start to wonder about the meaning of that word in that context. I assure you, dear reader, it means exactly what you think it means. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, George's powerful stream of projectile vomit impacted yours truly right on the side of the face at point blank range.

This impressive stream of vomit splashed a mixture of used pizza, salad, beer and roach guts right into the side of my face, and from there it went into my hair, down my shirt, and some of it even went into my ear. I tried to throw up my hands to block the stream and managed to deflect some of it....

I am backing away from George as he continues to retch and as I am trying to come to grips with the fact that my entire upper body is now covered in some foul smelling vomit. To be honest, my brain is not really functioning at this moment in any conscious way because of the horror of what has transpired. But, sadly, I don't have much time to come to grips with what just happened.

Remember when I said that I threw up my hands to deflect some of George's vomit? Well I did a hum-dinger of a job, because some of it landed right in the plate of a diner behind me. I was unaware of this, of course, because I was simultaneously trying to get the vomit out of my eyes and out of my right ear as I tried to create distance between myself and the human volcano.

I only became aware of what happened to the other diner when I felt myself bump into something as I backed up, and I whirled around, still blinded by the vomit. That's when I felt it.

Apparently all of this had been too much for diner number 2. For when the vomit I deflected landed in his plate, he fell out of his chair onto his knees. Immediately after he hit his knees, I backed into him. The "something" I bumped into was his head. Ordinarily I would have been very concerned about someone bumping into my right side because that's where my 1911 is being carried in a Blade-Tech IWB holster. My Smith 442 is also riding in the right front pocket of my pants.

Diner number 2, however, didn't notice any of this. Immediately after his head made relatively minor contact with my handgun, he let loose.

I, still blind from vomit, feel a bump on my right side and then I feel a hot stream of chunky liquid proceed down my right hip and leg.

Yes, ARFCOM, diner number 2 yakked all over my right side. Apparently for lunch he had egg salad and tuna salad sandwiches, and his dinner salad was full of feta cheese and big black olives, along with the requisite tall glass of beer. He heaved a mighty heave and belched forth an even fouler and chunkier substance down my right side.

Some of it went into my holster.

Some of it went into my right front pocket.

Some of it went into my cell-phone pocket.

Some of it went into the INSIDE of my pants and began running down my leg.

Then as suddenly as it began, it was over. There I stood in the middle of a relatively nice restaurant among a horrified group of diners covered in so much vomit it is literally dripping off of me and making large splatting noises on the floor.

The smell......is indescribable. I won't go so far as to say it is the worst smell on earth, but as a man who has gutted all sorts of animals including gut-shot deer, I can tell you that it is among the worst smells I have ever encountered. As the old saying goes, it could gag a maggot.

My mind is blank as I stand there dripping with vomit. Time seems to stand still as I can see the foul mixture dripping off of me....

And then it happens.

Diner number 2 is apparently ready for round 2. He lets go again, but this time I can see it coming. Unfortunately I don't react quick enough to be missed entirely. Round 2 hits me square in the boots, soaking my socks and filling my boots with what seems to be the foulest smelling vomit I have yet seen on this horrible night.

I am now standing in the middle of a relatively nice restaurant....

With vomit dripping off of my nose....off of my chin.....

With vomit in my right front pocket.

With vomit in the cargo pocket of my pants.

With vomit in my right rear pocket.

With vomit in my wallet.

With vomit inside my pants.

With vomit running down my leg.

With vomit soaked socks.

With vomit pooled in my boots.

I take a step to try and escape this horrible hell, and I notice that there is hot vomit squishing between my toes.

The restaurant is at an absolute standstill. Half of the diners within eyesight are staring in absolute horror with their mouths agape....the other half look like they are about to go Krakatoa any second. The wait staff is in the same boat, half staring in horror, half barely keeping their lunch down.

As I take another step the realization that The Smell is coming seems to strike the diners and the wait staff alike, and they begin to scramble to get the hell out of there before THEY loose it. Drinks are spilled. Plates are turned over. Dishes shatter.

The manager comes to see what in the heck is going on and walks up to a scene that is probably the closest thing to the Mr. Creosote sketch in Monty Python's "The Meaning Of Life" that any human being has ever experienced.

"It's only waaaafer thin!"

He is startled for a moment, but the man is a real pro.

"Sir" he tells me calmly "We can help you clean up around back. Everyone remain calm, and we will get all of this cleaned up. Sir, this way." The manager leads me toward a side door that is close by as I am still drippingly covered in vomit. As he walks quickly he begins barking orders to the wait staff on the other side of the restaurant who had not been witness to the horror.

"Sandy! Get a mop now! Jake, get all those people out of there NOW! Get them all gift certificates! Jodi, don't let anyone with puke on them go out the front door! This way sir." as he leads me out the side of the restaurant. After we get through the door he makes a hard left and leads me to the back of the building and begins getting out a hose pipe.

"I'm afraid this is the best I can do, sir..." he says as he starts to connect the hose. "If you want to try and use this, I can go get you something to dry off with."

I don't even answer him. I just start taking off my boots so I can pour the vomit out of them. Then I spray them out. I take off my socks and it is just about then that I notice something. It is January. It is 29 degrees outside, and I am spraying down my bare feet with a hose filled with cold water.

Goodie!

About this time the family shows up looking more than a little green around the gills. I remove my weaponry as clandestinely as I can and instruct them to hurry and wrap the guns up in my coat so nobody can see them...Then I have a decision to make...Do I start stripping or do I try and clean off with my clothes on?

I decide that stripping to my boxers just isn't an option, so I put the nozzle of the hose inside my waistband and begin to hose off the inside of my pants. The water is unbelievably cold right now and I can feel my entire lower body going numb. Then I spray out each of my pockets, and then I move on to my upper body. spraying inside and outside my shirt, and finally spraying down my head and hair, then working my way back down to my feet to make sure all the putrescent fluid is gone.

So there I stand in bare feet soaked from head to toe so cold my teeth are chattering...but at least I can't smell the vomit anymore. Perhaps the vomit is all gone...or perhaps I am on the border of hypothermia and no longer care about smells. Either way, despite being a human popsicle I feel better. The manager returns with some towels that I use to dry off as best as I can.

As I dry off the manager asks me what happened. Through chattering teeth I manage to explain the roach situation as the root of the evil that had transpired in our midst.

"Sir, I am so sorry! Is there anything I can do to make it up to you? A free desert? A free meal?"

God bless the guy, he is trying...but honestly...is anyone actually going to take him up on that offer under THESE circumstances?

I tell him to just forget about the entire thing (as we hadn't gotten our main course yet). I just wanted to go home and take a long hot shower. Still wet and very cold, I got the old blanket I keep in the trunk of my car and put it in the seat of the family car so I could sit down without getting vomit on the seats.

The only sound as we drove home was the loud chattering of my teeth.

It's over now, and I am sitting near the wood stove. I am beginning to get feeling back in my toes. I am looking at my 1911...an expertly crafted weapon....that is covered in dried vomit. There are dried bits of what I think is tuna all over it. I am looking at the leather pocket holster for my Smith 442....I don't know if it is ever going to be usable again. My Smith...poor little thing...there is vomit in a couple of the chambers. I have quite possibly the single most disgusting cleaning job ever attempted on a firearm ahead of me tonight.

Joy!

So the next time you are at a restaurant and you think that you are having a bad experience, remember my tale of woe and be thankful.

Now if you will excuse me, I think there is still some used pizza sausage in my ear...

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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."