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Re: Flatulence And Other Bottom Of The Pyle Stuff [Re: SwampFox]
      #152771 - 06/14/08 11:33 AM



--------------------
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Re: Flatulence And Other Bottom Of The Pyle Stuff [Re: SwampFox]
      #153290 - 06/19/08 08:39 PM

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.'

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

--------------------
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Re: Flatulence And Other Bottom Of The Pyle Stuff [Re: SwampFox]
      #154388 - 06/30/08 11:39 AM

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb-making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No chit?"

--------------------
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Re: Flatulence And Other Bottom Of The Pyle Stuff [Re: SwampFox]
      #154879 - 07/04/08 05:10 PM



--------------------
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Re: Flatulence And Other Bottom Of The Pyle Stuff [Re: SwampFox]
      #156961 - 07/25/08 03:38 PM



--------------------
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Re: Flatulence And Other Bottom Of The Pyle Stuff [Re: SwampFox]
      #156975 - 07/25/08 07:54 PM

A New Olympic Sport

http://youtube.com/watch?v=qDAT2IaEsTI&feature=related

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Re: Flatulence And Other Bottom Of The Pyle Stuff [Re: Hop]
      #157672 - 08/01/08 05:23 PM



--------------------
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Re: Flatulence And Other Bottom Of The Pyle Stuff [Re: SwampFox]
      #157682 - 08/01/08 08:49 PM



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Re: Flatulence And Other Bottom Of The Pyle Stuff [Re: Hop]
      #158504 - 08/09/08 02:28 AM



--------------------
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Re: Flatulence And Other Bottom Of The Pyle Stuff [Re: SwampFox]
      #159244 - 08/17/08 01:24 AM

Perhaps a historical document.....
*******************************************


To the Royal Academy of Farting

Benjamin Franklin, c. 1781


GENTLEMEN,

I have perused your late mathematical Prize Question, proposed in lieu of one in Natural Philosophy, for the ensuing year, viz. "Une figure quelconque donnee, on demande d’y inscrire le plus grand nombre de fois possible une autre figure plus-petite quelconque, qui est aussi donnee". I was glad to find by these following Words, "l’Acadeemie a jugee que cette deecouverte, en eetendant les bornes de nos connoissances, ne seroit pas sans UTILITE", that you esteem Utility an essential Point in your Enquiries, which has not always been the case with all Academies; and I conclude therefore that you have given this Question instead of a philosophical, or as the Learned express it, a physical one, because you could not at the time think of a physical one that promis’d greater_Utility.

Permit me then humbly to propose one of that sort for your consideration, and through you, if you approve it, for the serious Enquiry of learned Physicians, Chemists, &c. of this enlightened Age. It is universally well known, That in digesting our common Food, there is created or produced in the Bowels of human Creatures, a great Quantity of Wind.

That the permitting this Air to escape and mix with the Atmosphere, is usually offensive to the Company, from the fetid Smell that accompanies it.

That all well-bred People therefore, to avoid giving such Offence, forcibly restrain the Efforts of Nature to discharge that Wind.

That so retain’d contrary to Nature, it not only gives frequently great present Pain, but occasions future Diseases, such as habitual Cholics, Ruptures, Tympanies, &c. often destructive of the Constitution, & sometimes of Life itself.

Were it not for the odiously offensive Smell accompanying such Escapes, polite People would probably be under no more Restraint in discharging such Wind in Company, than they are in spitting, or in blowing their Noses.

My Prize Question therefore should be, To discover some Drug wholesome & not disagreable, to be mix’d with our common Food, or Sauces, that shall render the natural Discharges of Wind from our Bodies, not only inoffensive, but agreable as Perfumes.

That this is not a chimerical Project, and altogether impossible, may appear from these Considerations. That we already have some Knowledge of Means capable of Varying that Smell. He that dines on stale Flesh, especially with much Addition of Onions, shall be able to afford a Stink that no Company can tolerate; while he that has lived for some Time on Vegetables only, shall have that Breath so pure as to be insensible to the most delicate Noses; and if he can manage so as to avoid the Report, he may any where give Vent to his Griefs, unnoticed. But as there are many to whom an entire Vegetable Diet would be inconvenient, and as a little Quick-Lime thrown into a Jakes will correct the amazing Quantity of fetid Air arising from the vast Mass of putrid Matter contain’d in such Places, and render it rather pleasing to the Smell, who knows but that a little Powder of Lime (or some other thing equivalent) taken in our Food, or perhaps a Glass of Limewater drank at Dinner, may have the same Effect on the Air produc’d in and issuing from our Bowels? This is worth the Experiment. Certain it is also that we have the Power of changing by slight Means the Smell of another Discharge, that of our Water. A few Stems of Asparagus eaten, shall give our Urine a disagreable Odour; and a Pill of Turpentine no bigger than a Pea, shall bestow on it the pleasing Smell of Violets. And why should it be thought more impossible in Nature, to find Means of making a Perfume of our Wind than of our Water?

For the Encouragement of this Enquiry, (from the immortal Honour to be reasonably expected by the Inventor) let it be considered of how small Importance to Mankind, or to how small a Part of Mankind have been useful those Discoveries in Science that have heretofore made Philosophers famous. Are there twenty Men in Europe at this Day, the happier, or even the easier, for any Knowledge they have pick’d out of Aristotle? What Comfort can the Vortices of Descartes give to a Man who has Whirlwinds in his Bowels! The Knowledge of Newton’s mutual Attraction of the Particles of Matter, can it afford Ease to him who is rack’d by their mutual Repulsion, and the cruel Distensions it occasions? The Pleasure arising to a few Philosophers, from seeing, a few Times in their Life, the Threads of Light untwisted, and separated by the Newtonian Prism into seven Colours, can it be compared with the Ease and Comfort every Man living might feel seven times a Day, by discharging freely the Wind from his Bowels? Especially if it be converted into a Perfume: For the Pleasures of one Sense being little inferior to those of another, instead of pleasing the Sight he might delight the Smell of those about him, & make Numbers happy, which to a benevolent Mind must afford infinite Satisfaction. The generous Soul, who now endeavours to find out whether the Friends he entertains like best Claret or Burgundy, Champagne or Madeira, would then enquire also whether they chose Musk or Lilly, Rose or Bergamot, and provide accordingly. And surely such a Liberty of Expressing one’s Scent-iments, and pleasing one another, is of infinitely more Importance to human Happiness than that Liberty of the Press, or of abusing one another, which the English are so ready to fight & die for. -- In short, this Invention, if compleated, would be, as Bacon expresses it, bringing Philosophy home to Mens Business and Bosoms. And I cannot but conclude, that in Comparison therewith, for universal and continual UTILITY, the Science of the Philosophers above-mentioned, even with the Addition, Gentlemen, of your "Figure quelconque" and the Figures inscrib’d in it, are, all together, scarcely worth a FART-HING.

--------------------
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67Firebird
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Re: Flatulence And Other Bottom Of The Pyle Stuff [Re: SwampFox]
      #159792 - 08/21/08 04:41 PM



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Re: Flatulence And Other Bottom Of The Pyle Stuff [Re: 67Firebird]
      #159797 - 08/21/08 05:41 PM

What a lovely cake.

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Re: Flatulence And Other Bottom Of The Pyle Stuff [Re: SwampFox]
      #160566 - 08/27/08 05:11 PM

From Craigslist

ASS CLEANING 101: 5 IMPORTANT TIPS TO KEEP IT ASSALISCIOUS
Date: 2004-07-06, 7:25AM PDT


Ass cleaning tips


I have mastered the art of cleaning my stool hall and I want to share it with you losers who simply lather your wash cloth with some soap and do a quick reach around..THAT WILL NOT CLEAN YOUR ASS!!!! You need to spend at least 5 minutes in that area to have maximun cleanage. How would you feel if you were a girl/guy and while you were licking some guys sausage you get a nice whiff of some anal grease and dingleberries from a soft textured turd that required about 12 wipes in the public restroom? You think it's clean but it is NOT!!! Here are some tips:

Tip 1: After dropping the fecal children off at the pool, you can either use some babywipes (my personal favorite) or you can use a technique I learned from an ex-girlfriend of mine, you wet the toilet paper and proceed to wipe front-to-back, NOT back-to-front. You risk sliding some of the grease beneath your ball sack which creates another problem. This only applies to those who do not get what is called a perfect excrement session aka.."A Clean Break" to where the ca-ca breaks off completely and all you have to do is wipe the water off your gluteus after the initial plop.

Tip 2: Shave the hair off around your rectal, nuts and butt crack. This is just common knowledge, if you dont you risk piling up a weeks worth of dingleberries and in rare occasions, creation of chit dreadlocks to where the ca-ca firmly laminates itself to the ass hair and it twists together as you walk. This is more likely to happen to those who wear boxers because of the free "airflow" and those who dont shower often because you give the poop time to dry up like cement.

Tip 3: Jump into a public pool or spa. This is just as effective as a shower or even better because you get maximum "soakage" and it requires less work such and combats lazy reach arounds in the shower. Believe it or not, that is the only useful purpose for public pools, I think of them as gigantic bathtubs that goggle up loose ass hairs, dingleberries and makes a great place to take a quick pee. If I find myself in that situation, I just jump in the pool on one end, pee then swim to the other end, do a couple quick 360's under water then jump out the shallow side and dry off.

Tip 4: Go to the beach and be a good samaritan, jump into the ocean and "feed the fish", fish LOVE dung, I have 2 goldfish and they are always sucking eachothers doo-doo holes. Get a nice, salty ass treatment. For those of you who gets bumps after shaving your pubes or ass, this is a great to dry those up. Just simply go out past the waves a bit, however, dont be too obvious if you are going to release some bait into the ocean. Flop around a bit, move around because if you sit still people will become suspicious and besides the poop might float up to the surface quickly. Fish will love you for it!

Tip 5: Woman love to get manicures and pedicures, I call this the "assicure" It has a meaningful name Ass I Cure, it's self explanitory..yes, it is up to you to cure that hideous ass smell and here is how you do it in the shower. Pamper yourself, get the water luke warm and try to get the shower nozzle to propel the water quickly. Begin by turning in the opposite direction of the shower, about 180 degrees to where the nozzle in shooting directly down your ass crack. Position yourself at a 90 degree angle, butt up nice and high, reach around and spread your butt cheeks and let the water do its magic. The object is to really clean out the crevices of your brown eye, wedged up about a 1/4 inch of the butthole is some fecal matter that masks itself like a bat in a cave. This will allow the water to loosen it up for the wash cloth lathering. The next step is to lather your wash cloth with some bodywash or soap bar. Reach around and scrub it good, go ahead and wrap the towel around a finger of choice (i use my middle finger) and put that finger up your asshole and move it around in a circular motion. Go ahead and scrub nice and good up the butt crack to make sure you get all the grease. After you are done, rinse well then repeat step 1.

ADDITIONAL NOTE: Putting your finger in your ass doesnt make you gay, it might burn a bit. For those guys who insist on having anal sex with their girlfriends all the time, if you think one finger hurts, go ahead and use two fingers and see how it feels. It feels like a massive chit you take in the morning after a night of drinking and eating the 4 slices of jalepeno pepper pizza.

That is all for now party people, hope this hass been insightful. I would love some feedback from possible success stories.

Please read some of them now.

" I would like to thank you for your ass cleaning tips, it has changed my life. My g/f is giving me head all day and night"

"Wow, my ass has never been cleaner. I feel more confident and got my dream job"

"I love to feed the fish, thanks Rick...my ass used to be filled with pimples and anal grease but now my ass is as smooth as a babies bottom, I feel like a kid again, thanks"

" I used to mask my ass smell with cologne and other junk, I have tried so many other techniques but yours is by far the best. I am now engaged to a playboy model"

Siskel & Roeper give it "Two middle fingers up"

P.S. I AM OFFERING FREE SERVICE TO LADIES WHO WANT TO GIVE ME HEAD JUST TO SEE HOW A PROFESSIONAL COLON CLEANSING SHOULD BE LIKE

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Flatulence And Other Bottom Of The Pyle Stuff [Re: SwampFox]
      #160567 - 08/27/08 05:19 PM



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Re: Flatulence And Other Bottom Of The Pyle Stuff [Re: 67Firebird]
      #162399 - 09/15/08 09:20 PM

Subtle Butt

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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Edited by SwampFox (09/18/08 03:01 AM)


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Re: Flatulence And Other Bottom Of The Pyle Stuff [Re: SwampFox]
      #163434 - 09/24/08 09:18 AM

Man Passes Gas, Charged with Battery on Officer

CHARLESTON, W.Va. (WSAZ) -- As if getting a DUI wasn’t enough, a man arrested for driving under the influence got in a lot more trouble at the police station.

Police stopped Jose Cruz on Route 60 in South Charleston Monday night for driving with his headlights off.

Then, he failed sobriety tests and was arrested.

When police were trying to get fingerprints, police say Cruz moved closer to the officer and passed gas on him. The investigating officer remarked in the criminal complaint that the odor was very strong.

Cruz is now charged with battery on a police officer, as well as DUI and obstruction.

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Re: Flatulence And Other Bottom Of The Pyle Stuff [Re: SwampFox]
      #164433 - 10/06/08 07:31 AM

Cute Video

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Re: Flatulence And Other Bottom Of The Pyle Stuff [Re: SwampFox]
      #164551 - 10/07/08 11:30 AM



--------------------
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Re: Flatulence And Other Bottom Of The Pyle Stuff [Re: SwampFox]
      #168549 - 11/23/08 06:51 PM



--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Flatulence And Other Bottom Of The Pyle Stuff [Re: SwampFox]
      #168554 - 11/23/08 06:59 PM



--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Flatulence And Other Bottom Of The Pyle Stuff [Re: SwampFox]
      #168692 - 11/25/08 05:41 AM

How to wipe your ass

Some people just don't understand the importance of proper ass-wiping technique. "Bah!" You might say, "I've been wiping my ass for years!" But hold on there, friend, ass wiping is an an ancient discipline, lost in this, the age of technology, where computers and machines feed our every whim. Follow the steps set forth below and free yourself from skid marks, poop stains, klingons, and all manner of unpleasant nastiness:

1. Choose Your Wiping Medium. What to wipe with? It's the question of the ages. Some are blessed with bountiful supplies of rich, downy-soft, cotton tissue (in particular Kleenex Brand Cottonelle Ultra Soft Bathroom Tissue), woven into rolls which hang conveniently by the commode. If you are not among these lucky few, fret not - for there is stuff aplenty to wipe your ass with!

* Paper Towels - If you don't have toilet paper you probably don't have paper towels, but if you have just run short on TP, be sure to always buy Viva Unprinted Paper Towels. They are the softest.
* The Morning Newspaper - The newspaper, with its convenient home delivery, might seem like a good idea, but I assure you it is not! Not only are you in danger of wiping your ass with some poor person's obituary, but by smearing newspaper ink across your nether regions, you could be in danger of quarantine if a person of the medical profession gets a gander at your naughty bits.
* The Phone Book - Ah, the phone book! O thick sheaf of thin pliant pages, how do we love thee, for thou art bountiful and free! Remember - When you get the letter Y (X if the whole family is using it) it's time to call the Phone Company and reorder - it takes 2-4 weeks to receive a new copy.
* The Bible - I don't recommend using the Bible even though the pages seem well suited to ass wiping. Guests may become offended. If you absolutely must use the good book for the foul deed, use the book of Leviticus.
* The Mail - Marshall McLuhan wrote "The medium is the message", and how right he was! He may have been talking about something that has nothing to do with this subject, but it sure fits here. Just be careful of the little windows in the envelopes of your bills.
* Your Hand - "Ew!" You might cry "Ew! ew!" - but it's washable. Man up, ya buncha sissies - it's only poop for Pete's sake!

2. Find Your Ass. For some, ass finding comes naturally. Others require both hands, a mirror and a flashlight. Still others must rely on a loved one to locate their ass until they get the hang of it. As the great Master Swapon Singh Rubenstein said, "There is no wiping without finding".

3. Wipe, Wipe, Wipe Your Ass, Always Front to Back. Carefully Carefully, Now You've Got The Knack. This little song (sung to the tune of Row Row Row Your Boat) will guide you through the final ass-wiping process. Developed by the Doctors at Duke University in 1991, this, along with I Am A Super Duper Pooper and I Use My Potty When I have to Pee are featured in the exciting and highly recommended video It's Potty Time.

To break down ass wiping into it's most basic mathematical expression we could write:
YAP_x_ log_2_8^x^ &TP;=&TP; ( p00p)8^x^ ( p00p)(8^x^)&TP;=&TP; 3 ew2 ew2&TP;=&TP; 3
Where YAP = your ass plane, TP = toilet paper, and ew = gross factor X

4. The Finish. Once your ass is clean you may be tempted to show it off to your neighbors, friends, and coworkers. If you are level 6 or above, you might even want to post a picture of your ass on your home node for all to see. This urge is completely natural but you must resist. In the name of all that's decent, good and holy resist. We are counting on you to keep your ass to yourself, clean or not.



--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Flatulence And Other Bottom Of The Pyle Stuff [Re: SwampFox]
      #168794 - 11/26/08 03:58 AM



--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Flatulence And Other Bottom Of The Pyle Stuff [Re: SwampFox]
      #168795 - 11/26/08 04:00 AM



--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Flatulence And Other Bottom Of The Pyle Stuff [Re: SwampFox]
      #168985 - 11/29/08 12:49 AM

I have heard many expressions for doing number 2 in the bathroom:
"Taking the browns to the super bowl"
"Dropping the kids off at the pool"
so on and so forth...but here is one that I busted a gut when I heard yesterday.

"Taking Obama to the white house"

--------------------
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Re: Flatulence And Other Bottom Of The Pyle Stuff [Re: SwampFox]
      #169199 - 12/02/08 05:58 AM



--------------------
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