SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy walks into a neighborhood bar on a quiet afternoon and notices that the only other customer at the bar is a guy with a rather scary looking Rottweiler lying nearby. The newcomer asks somewhat nervously: " Does your dog bite?"
The man at the bar smiles pleasantly and says: " No, he never bites"
The newcomer sits down - whereupon the Rottweiler proceeds to take a chunk out of his leg.
As the ambulance people are removing the victim he hollers out at the man at the bar: " "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"
The man shrugs: " He ain't my dog".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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My divorce was final Monday afternoon.
A friend was getting married Wensday and suggested that I come by the reception so he could introduce me to a friend of his bride.
His description interested me. Cortney Cox with a little meat on her bones.
As usual I got there about an hour late and came through the door just as my friend and his bride were about to leave.
Well, my buddy took the time to introduce me to an extreemly attractive woman who actually looke like Cortney Cox on her best day.
Needless to say she had my undivided attention.
After chatting her up for about an hour she mentioned that she was a little tired and wondered of I would drive her home.
Being the considerate person that I am I told her that I would be honored to take her home.
I walked around the table to help her out of her chair only to discover that her "chair" had wheels.
Well, we all have friends with a warped sense of humor and I really liked the gal so I wheeled her to my El Camino, helped her into the front seat and stored the wheel chair in the back.
She gave me dirrections out of town and out to a side road. Then we turned off the side road to an ungraveled road. You know the type. Two tracks with grass in the middle.
Down the road a ways she suggested we pull off into an orchard where we could "talk".
As usual, one thing led to another and we were getting it on pretty heavy when it became obvious that the cramped quarters and her disability wouldn't work well for what we wanted to do and she suggested that we move to the hood of the El Camino.
This was working out pretty well but she had another idea. I could carry her to one of the apple trees and she would hang from the tree and we would do it Tarzan style.
Being the gentleman that I am we ended up doing things her way.
Things were going well when, out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of an old man in bib overalls and a double barreled shotgun.
I carried her back to the car and turned to face the father.
He looked me up one side and down the other before saying, "Son, I think I'm goin' ta let ya go."
Delighted at not getting shot, but still curious I asked, "Why are you letting me go?"
"Well" he said."The last three guys left her hanging there."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offfff?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg.
His friend says, "My feet are cold mate, can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please."
The guy goes upstairs, and there are his mate's gorgeous twin 18 year old daughters.
"Hi, girls.Your dad sent me up here to shag you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it." He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Now, that's a quick thinking man.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?" he asks her.
"Shall we?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you chit on its head."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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His wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area.
He does this a few times, but only for very short intervals before turning back to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"
His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown and I thought it was foreplay."
The husband says, "No, not at all."
His wife asks angrily, "Well, then what the hell were you doing?"
Seconds before his death he says..."I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An Australian woman was taking a shower when, suddenly she landed doing an actual "split" on the floor. (just like the ballerinas)
She called out for her husband:" "Jacko! Jacko!. He came running.
" Jacko, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor!", she said.
"Strewth", Jacko said and tried to lift her up.
Jacko says: " You're just too heavy, girl. I'll go across the road and get Bluey (his mate).
Jacko and Bluey try to lift her up. They can't do it.
Bluey says: "Let's try Plan C"
Jacko says: " Plan C? What's that?"
Bluey says: " I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and break the bathroom tiles under her".
"Spot on!" says Jacko. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits".
Bluey says:" PLay with her tits?. Why the hell would you want to do that at a time like this?'
Jacko replies: " Well, I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy spends the night with a Chinese prostitute. Next morning he is showering -and is horrified to find that his entire groin area (yeah, including the vital part) is colored this sickly shade of green.
He wastes no time in consulting a white doctor of great repute. The doctor informs him that he has this rare oriental disease - and that his penis and balls will have to be amputated.
Of course, the guy wants a second opinion. The second doctor tells him also that his penis and balls will have to be amputated.
The guy is in a real state of depression when he comes from the second doctor's office. On the street he meets a friend to whom he confides the whole story.
The friend says: " You're going at this entirely the wrong way. You have this rare oriental disease -so go to a good Chinese doctor". The friend recommends a top notch Chinese doctor in Chinatown.
The guy sees the top notch Chinese doctor who examines him.
The doctor tells him: " Yes, you have this rare oriental disease".
The guy is panic stricken. " Doctor, will it have to be cut off?"
The old Chinese doctor claps him on the shoulder reassuringly: " NO, of course not! In a few days it'll fall off by itself".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?", asked the Mom.
"Mom I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband."
The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?", he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."
The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.
The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game.
"For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his dismay, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A woman steps into the shower, slips and does a perfect "ballerina split".
Unable to get up, she starts hollering for her husband. He comes in and says whats up love?
She says....help me! I have suctioned meself to the floor!
The husband grabs her and pulls mightily but is unable to get her up so he calls down the hall for his mate, hey Bluey! Come help!
The two of them are still unable to move her and the husband says.....
Bluey go get a hammer and chisel, we will have to chip out some tiles under her. While you are doing that i will play with her tits!
Bluey says...what the hell you gonna do that for mate?
Husband says, well if i can get her wet enough we may be able slide her into the other room where the tiles are cheaper
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man who just died is delivered to a College Station mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The Aggie mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the Aggie presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice." "So I just switched the heads."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8066
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
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A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up".
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged - my wife won twice last week."
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Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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An Italian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a typical Italian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Italian guy just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks......like I said, my boy's a typical Italian bambino."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"....one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Italian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious.
"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Italian father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....
"We had him circumcised."
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the seco nd mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long belch and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and have sex with the cat."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Her, Kitty, Kitty. Course, that mouse is probably the only seeing any beardedclam around here.  
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Maybe, but in Australia.......
A quite rich Englishman and his wife are touring Australia in a hired limousine. The wife happens to look out the window and sees an Aussie doing something with a kangaroo. She asks her husband:" Dear,is that man doing something indecent with that animal?"
The Englishman looks and is appalled. He tells his wife to look away. He also tells her that he will register a stern complaint with the 5 star hotel they are registered at.
They arrive at the hotel. As they get out of the limousine, they both see a one legged man wanking off on the steps. The English couple are now truly appalled.
The Englishman storms to the hotel desk and says:" This is truly an awful country. My wife and I just saw a man performing sex with a kangaroo -and now we see a one legged man masturbating on the steps of your hotel! What do you have to say about this?"
The Aussie desk clerk says: " "Well, mate, you can't expect a one legged man to get his own kangaroo, can you?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Or......
A 40 year old American woman took out ads to find a husband. She ended up advertising in the Australian newspapers - and got a response from a guy who had spent his entire life in the Australian outback.
The two met and managed to get along well enough to get married.
In the hotel room after the wedding reception, the bride went into the bathroom to pretty herself (and do whatever it is that guys don't want to know, actually)
The bride comes out of the bathroom, looking very attractive and sexy and finds that the groom has stacked all of the furniture, including the bed, in one corner of the room. She is appalled and asks the groom what the heck he was doing!
The Aussie outback hermit replies: "I just wanted to give us a lot of room in case it's anything like kangeroos".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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When Jane first discovered Tarzan living in the jungle, she had many questions about all aspects of his life and. eventually the subject got around to sex.
Jane said, "Tarzan, have you ever had sex?".
Tarzan replied "What sex?".
So Jane explained in detail what sex is.
Tarzan said, "Yes, Tarzan have sex many time."
Jane said, "How did you have sex? There are no other people in the jungle except you".
Tarzan replied, "Tarzan use knot hole in tree".
Jane was appalled. She went into a long explaination about how men and women have sex and even took off her cloths and volenteered to show Tarzan how men and women do it.
Tarzan accepted her invatation and proceeded to kick her in the crotch as hard as he could.
Jane screamed and fell to the ground and almost passed out.
When she had recovered she asked "What in the hell did you do that for!!"
He replied, "Tarzan check for bees"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
"Pay first, those are the rules." Says the bartender.
So the man gives him the $10, and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do...First you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila... the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90-year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things...."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks,
"Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up, and soon all the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping, and then... silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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