CafeOutdoors.com The way it was...the way it always will be!!!

Miscellaneous Stuff >> Swampfox's Joke Section

Pages: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | >> (show all)
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #43137 - 06/03/06 05:48 PM

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vendig machine that shoul d serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.' "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdrw his member... which now had a button sewed on the end.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #44678 - 06/16/06 11:06 PM

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.
Finally tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.
After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood.
Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"
Sharon replies, "No but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic. I miss the days when I had mine."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #44767 - 06/19/06 02:52 AM

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plasticgarbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of thebags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto thepavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the l ittle old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay up"....

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #44893 - 06/19/06 10:16 PM

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicle s from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Mel
member
**

Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO

Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #44924 - 06/20/06 12:43 AM

Viva la Mehico

(I guess that is what would be said in a restaurant frequented by bulls)

--------------------
Member DU, Delta

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: Mel]
      #45592 - 06/26/06 12:50 AM

A local fire department, after putting out the blaze, discovered that the fire had started in basement where the owner was growing pot.
Several Fire fighter suffered from smoke inhalation, but were treat by the paramedics with twinkies and hohos and then released.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #45605 - 06/26/06 04:52 AM

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
Joe walked down the street; he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need...a new suit"
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, that's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said,
"Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #46669 - 07/05/06 12:58 AM

--A news article from a Florida Newspaper:

"When Nathan Radlich's house was burgled, thieves left his TV, his VCR, and even left his watch. What they did take was "generic white cardboard box filled with greyish-whitepowder." (That at least is the way the police described it.) A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said "that it looked similar to cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time."

Then Nathan stood in front of the TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."

Well, the next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep.The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. And there was this note. It said: "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie.

Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #47587 - 07/12/06 07:09 PM

A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said ..."Cleanup, Register 5"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #47908 - 07/14/06 06:49 PM

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, "Go ask you mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house."

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied "Oh my Gosh! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes...Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars..............but Realistically,.........we're living with two Sluts and a Queer.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #48192 - 07/18/06 03:33 AM

A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex. So, she goes to see her doctor, and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.

"He's dead." She replyed

"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"

The woman replied, "He was sitting on the driveway licking himself, and I backed over him with the car."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #48328 - 07/19/06 06:57 AM

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup", replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You aZZholee! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #49415 - 07/26/06 07:51 PM

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the s treet in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #49417 - 07/26/06 08:29 PM

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store.
Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes.He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her,

"Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"

Startled, Sophia replies, "Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"

Gennaro answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes.How do you like them?"
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"
Rosa answers, "Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?"
He replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states, "Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!"
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight."

Gennaro gasps, "Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300! Boccelli leather shoes!"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #49667 - 07/28/06 04:14 AM

While walking through the Boulder Colorado woods a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy, slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, ?What the hell happened to you?
"He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "Man, this just ain't gonna be your day cupcake..."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #53126 - 08/17/06 04:16 PM

Scraggly Cat

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.

We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat". We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks! " He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE who wanted the dirty cat, NOT him

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband "El-Cheap-O," and my husband calls him "El-Take-O." They love to hate each other and constantly "snipe" at each other, with my husband getting in the last word on this occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see him. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's beardedclam is finally clean and shaved and she now smells like a rose Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" And he closed the door.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #54295 - 08/24/06 04:12 AM

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted into the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #54818 - 08/26/06 02:04 AM

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss ... the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper.
I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will.
He said, "Will ? What Will ? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13 Definition of a teenager ? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #55784 - 08/30/06 03:34 PM

A guy walks into a bar and orders 2 martinis. He sucks back the first one and then pours the other one in his hand.

The bartender says, "If you're spilling them I'll have to cut you off."

The guy repiles,"I didn't spill it, I'm getting my date drunk."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #58182 - 09/15/06 04:55 AM

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello".
"Mrs. Newman, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Newman, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your family doctor sent your husband's specimen to the lab yesterday, a specimen from another Mr. Newman arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Newman asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. But we can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Newman.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #61582 - 10/03/06 12:54 AM

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.
"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.
The doctor says: "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"
The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."
So the doctor performs the operation. A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure. Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.
"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably ... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
limbhanger

*

Reged: 02/03/06
Posts: 73
Loc: missouri

Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #61811 - 10/03/06 09:40 PM

Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pizzed about.

A black congresswoman reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal.
She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in language that street people can understand. I can hear it now: A weatherman in Houston says...

"Wazzup, Mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Biatch be a category fo'! So grab yo' chirren, yo' Ho, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest guv'ment office fo yo FREE chit!"

--------------------
The only place it is ok to fight naked...is in PRISON!


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: limbhanger]
      #66376 - 10/28/06 07:52 PM

There was this man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He was very depressed because he loved to play the guitar, percussion instruments, and perform brain surgery, activities that required two arms.
One day he could not stand it anymore and decided to commit suicide.
He got one an elevator and went to the top of a 66 story building. Standing on the ledge, just before he jumped, he spied a man on the sidewalk below skipping along while whistling and kicking his heels into the air. At this point he noticed the man had no arms!
He started thinking," What the Hell am I doing up here when this more unfortuate person below is skipping down the sidewalk and apparently very happy with his life?"
He hurried down the 66 flights and caught up with the man without any arms.He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost only one of his arms, had felt ueless, and had decided to end his life; then thanked the armless man for saving his life and for giving him inspiration to become a productive person again.
The armless one began to skip, dance, whistle and kick his heels again.
So he asked, " Why are you so happy?"
"Happy? I'm not happy! My ass itches!!"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #69304 - 11/13/06 04:15 PM

An elderly Italian Jew wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a Catholic and changed my name from Levy to Spumoni, and I am alive today because of it."

"Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi."Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to feel guilty."

"It's worse, Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favors, which she did, repeatedly."

"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favorable balance between good and evil, and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."

"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."

"And what is that?"

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #74889 - 12/25/06 06:42 PM

Test

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Pages: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | >> (show all)



Extra information
0 registered and 207 anonymous users are browsing this forum.

Moderator:  SwampFox, JimDog 

Print Topic

Forum Permissions
      You cannot start new topics
      You cannot reply to topics
      HTML is disabled
      UBBCode is enabled

Rating:
Topic views: 171960

Rate this topic

Jump to

Contact Us Return to Main Page

*
UBB.threads™ 6.5