SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING
don't look
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital: His wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and Dr. Smith comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
"What's happened? How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones.
"Her vital signs are stable, but her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills. This means you will have to feed her."
Mr. Jones begins to sob.
"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.
"Then, of course," the doctor continued,"you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and her diapers must be changed at least five times a day."
Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, and wails.
The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincter, Her bowel will engorge quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regulary."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably, beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing, pitiful mass.
Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder.
"Hey man, I'm just **** with you. She's dead."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Having a Baby in San Francisco
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of whom are crying and screaming.
One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.
Isn't it wonderful?" Neil says to Bob. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."
The nurse says, "Oh, sure he's happy now, but just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. Then the trouble started.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Here's what happens when you try to hijack a truck and miss.
Squished Homie
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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PointerMan
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 55
Loc: Washington, MO
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Man, these are deranged, but strangely enough, they're funny... 
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Life is good!
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Wonder if these would "strangely arouse" Bubba? 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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What do you call a quadrupeligic at the front door?
Mat
What do you call a quadrupeligic on the mantle?
Art
What do you call a quadrupeligic in the swimming pool?
Bob
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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moduckdoc
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 2945
Loc: A porn site
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More squished homies please.
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Freedom it isn't free, but it is worth every drop
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IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8066
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
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What do you call a quadrupeligic in a hole?
Phil
What do you call a quadrupeligic in a pile of leaves?
Russell
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Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
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SierraExplorer
member
Reged: 01/02/06
Posts: 13
Loc: Kalifornia
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2 man, one in Australia and the other in Canada.
One man walks on a thin wire stretched out between two very tall buildings,
the other man gets a blow job from a 90 year old woman.
Both men have the same thing on their mind.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT?
scroll down
for the answer..........
"DON'T LOOK DOWN...........
DON'T LOOK DOWN...........
DON'T LOOK DOWN.............."
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67Firebird
Former political advocate
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 9167
Loc: Russellville, Mo
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That's one homie who'll never try that again.
  
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
Two gay men....... "Isn't it wonderful?" Neil says to Bob.
"Kneel and Bob?"
Bwaaaahaaaaahaaaaaaahaaaaaaaa!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An American tourist is touring Scotland and stops into a local pub. It's a pleasant kind of place and he enjoys talking to the pub keeper. He also notices an old sad looking Scot sitting at the end of the bar. (It's during the day and in midweek so no one else is around) He moves down and offers to buy the old man a drink. The old Scot perks up and they get talking. Finally, the tourist asks why he seems so sad.
The old Scot (after another single malt Scotch) says: " Young mon, look out that window. Do ye see that long pier for the fishing boats? Well, I built it! Do they call me Angus the harbor builder?"
Angus goes on: " Do ye see that town hall? Well, I built it! Do they call me Angus the town hall builder?"
"But just once I screw a sheep and what do they call me?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
Edited by SwampFox (01/22/06 06:40 AM)
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man walking past a sanitarium hears voices chanting "Twelve, twelve, twelve..." from behind the wooden privacy fence.
Curious, he finds a knothole in the fence, and sticks his eye up to the hole, trying to determine the reason for the chant.
Instantly he is poked in the eye, and as he backs away, hand over the mutilated eye, he hears the chant begin anew: "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen..."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A tourist fisherman from NY is fishing off the Florida coast. His small boat capsizes. Because he is deadly afraid of alligators he clings to the overturned hull.
He spots an old bearded beachcomber on the beach and shouts out: " Hey! Any gators around here?". The beachcomber shouts back: "Nah! No gators around here for years!"
Feeling reassured, the tourist starts swimming slowly towards shore. About halfway to shore he calls out again to the beachcomber: " "What happened to the gators?"
The beachcomber calls back: "The sharks got 'em".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it Is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is That you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth."
Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Mephisto at the Senior Citizens Center...
"Most hypnotists invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Mephisto withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch... watch the watch... watch the watch ."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the Mephistos fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces .
"Crap", said Mephisto.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.
The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.
"Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.
He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.
"Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home."
"That was nice of you," she says, looking around... "But where's his wheelchair?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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THE OUTHOUSE INCIDENT
Two rednecks, Hank and Jenny Sue went for a walk in the countryside. After a while, Hank had to answer a call of nature. Spying an outhouse, he excused himself.
Jenny Sue waited for Hank...and waited, and waited. Finally, she looked inside and saw Hank stirring around in the outhouse muck with a stick. "Hank, what the hell are you doing, stirring in the **** ?" she yells.
"I dropped my jacket down the hole," he complains. "It's the one my momma gave me."
Jenny Sue shakes her head. "You're crazy ... you're not gonna wear that thing now, are you?"
"Hell no," Hank assures her, "but there's a baloney sandwich in one of the pockets!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Howard was feeling guilty all day long. No matter how he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
Every once in a while he'd hear a soothing voice trying to reassure him - "Howard, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality -"Howard, you're a veterinarian."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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diver731
member
Reged: 12/31/05
Posts: 397
Loc: sharpening the knives
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There sure is some good in all that!
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Yeah I like to shoot greenheads, the ones with cheekspots!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A mortician and his assistant are putting the finishing touches on a local beauty that had passed on.
The assistant says, "Even dead, she's the most beautiful woman in town.
The mortician says, "You might be right, but she has a clit like a pickle."
"What do you mean?" asks the assistant. "Is it large and bumpy?"
"Naw." replies the mortician, "It's sour."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed.
He begins to worry. Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then!!! ???" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce
and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should
go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and
she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said
to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow.! "
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy walks into a neighborhood bar on a quiet afternoon and notices that the only other customer at the bar is a guy with a rather scary looking Rottweiler lying nearby. The newcomer asks somewhat nervously: " Does your dog bite?"
The man at the bar smiles pleasantly and says: " No, he never bites"
The newcomer sits down - whereupon the Rottweiler proceeds to take a chunk out of his leg.
As the ambulance people are removing the victim he hollers out at the man at the bar: " "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"
The man shrugs: " He ain't my dog".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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My divorce was final Monday afternoon.
A friend was getting married Wensday and suggested that I come by the reception so he could introduce me to a friend of his bride.
His description interested me. Cortney Cox with a little meat on her bones.
As usual I got there about an hour late and came through the door just as my friend and his bride were about to leave.
Well, my buddy took the time to introduce me to an extreemly attractive woman who actually looke like Cortney Cox on her best day.
Needless to say she had my undivided attention.
After chatting her up for about an hour she mentioned that she was a little tired and wondered of I would drive her home.
Being the considerate person that I am I told her that I would be honored to take her home.
I walked around the table to help her out of her chair only to discover that her "chair" had wheels.
Well, we all have friends with a warped sense of humor and I really liked the gal so I wheeled her to my El Camino, helped her into the front seat and stored the wheel chair in the back.
She gave me dirrections out of town and out to a side road. Then we turned off the side road to an ungraveled road. You know the type. Two tracks with grass in the middle.
Down the road a ways she suggested we pull off into an orchard where we could "talk".
As usual, one thing led to another and we were getting it on pretty heavy when it became obvious that the cramped quarters and her disability wouldn't work well for what we wanted to do and she suggested that we move to the hood of the El Camino.
This was working out pretty well but she had another idea. I could carry her to one of the apple trees and she would hang from the tree and we would do it Tarzan style.
Being the gentleman that I am we ended up doing things her way.
Things were going well when, out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of an old man in bib overalls and a double barreled shotgun.
I carried her back to the car and turned to face the father.
He looked me up one side and down the other before saying, "Son, I think I'm goin' ta let ya go."
Delighted at not getting shot, but still curious I asked, "Why are you letting me go?"
"Well" he said."The last three guys left her hanging there."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offfff?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg.
His friend says, "My feet are cold mate, can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please."
The guy goes upstairs, and there are his mate's gorgeous twin 18 year old daughters.
"Hi, girls.Your dad sent me up here to shag you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it." He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Now, that's a quick thinking man.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?" he asks her.
"Shall we?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you chit on its head."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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His wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area.
He does this a few times, but only for very short intervals before turning back to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"
His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown and I thought it was foreplay."
The husband says, "No, not at all."
His wife asks angrily, "Well, then what the hell were you doing?"
Seconds before his death he says..."I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An Australian woman was taking a shower when, suddenly she landed doing an actual "split" on the floor. (just like the ballerinas)
She called out for her husband:" "Jacko! Jacko!. He came running.
" Jacko, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor!", she said.
"Strewth", Jacko said and tried to lift her up.
Jacko says: " You're just too heavy, girl. I'll go across the road and get Bluey (his mate).
Jacko and Bluey try to lift her up. They can't do it.
Bluey says: "Let's try Plan C"
Jacko says: " Plan C? What's that?"
Bluey says: " I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and break the bathroom tiles under her".
"Spot on!" says Jacko. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits".
Bluey says:" PLay with her tits?. Why the hell would you want to do that at a time like this?'
Jacko replies: " Well, I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy spends the night with a Chinese prostitute. Next morning he is showering -and is horrified to find that his entire groin area (yeah, including the vital part) is colored this sickly shade of green.
He wastes no time in consulting a white doctor of great repute. The doctor informs him that he has this rare oriental disease - and that his penis and balls will have to be amputated.
Of course, the guy wants a second opinion. The second doctor tells him also that his penis and balls will have to be amputated.
The guy is in a real state of depression when he comes from the second doctor's office. On the street he meets a friend to whom he confides the whole story.
The friend says: " You're going at this entirely the wrong way. You have this rare oriental disease -so go to a good Chinese doctor". The friend recommends a top notch Chinese doctor in Chinatown.
The guy sees the top notch Chinese doctor who examines him.
The doctor tells him: " Yes, you have this rare oriental disease".
The guy is panic stricken. " Doctor, will it have to be cut off?"
The old Chinese doctor claps him on the shoulder reassuringly: " NO, of course not! In a few days it'll fall off by itself".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?", asked the Mom.
"Mom I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband."
The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?", he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."
The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.
The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game.
"For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his dismay, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A woman steps into the shower, slips and does a perfect "ballerina split".
Unable to get up, she starts hollering for her husband. He comes in and says whats up love?
She says....help me! I have suctioned meself to the floor!
The husband grabs her and pulls mightily but is unable to get her up so he calls down the hall for his mate, hey Bluey! Come help!
The two of them are still unable to move her and the husband says.....
Bluey go get a hammer and chisel, we will have to chip out some tiles under her. While you are doing that i will play with her tits!
Bluey says...what the hell you gonna do that for mate?
Husband says, well if i can get her wet enough we may be able slide her into the other room where the tiles are cheaper
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man who just died is delivered to a College Station mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The Aggie mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the Aggie presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice." "So I just switched the heads."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8066
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
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A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up".
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged - my wife won twice last week."
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Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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An Italian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a typical Italian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Italian guy just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks......like I said, my boy's a typical Italian bambino."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"....one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Italian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious.
"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Italian father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....
"We had him circumcised."
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the seco nd mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long belch and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and have sex with the cat."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Her, Kitty, Kitty. Course, that mouse is probably the only seeing any beardedclam around here. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Maybe, but in Australia.......
A quite rich Englishman and his wife are touring Australia in a hired limousine. The wife happens to look out the window and sees an Aussie doing something with a kangaroo. She asks her husband:" Dear,is that man doing something indecent with that animal?"
The Englishman looks and is appalled. He tells his wife to look away. He also tells her that he will register a stern complaint with the 5 star hotel they are registered at.
They arrive at the hotel. As they get out of the limousine, they both see a one legged man wanking off on the steps. The English couple are now truly appalled.
The Englishman storms to the hotel desk and says:" This is truly an awful country. My wife and I just saw a man performing sex with a kangaroo -and now we see a one legged man masturbating on the steps of your hotel! What do you have to say about this?"
The Aussie desk clerk says: " "Well, mate, you can't expect a one legged man to get his own kangaroo, can you?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Or......
A 40 year old American woman took out ads to find a husband. She ended up advertising in the Australian newspapers - and got a response from a guy who had spent his entire life in the Australian outback.
The two met and managed to get along well enough to get married.
In the hotel room after the wedding reception, the bride went into the bathroom to pretty herself (and do whatever it is that guys don't want to know, actually)
The bride comes out of the bathroom, looking very attractive and sexy and finds that the groom has stacked all of the furniture, including the bed, in one corner of the room. She is appalled and asks the groom what the heck he was doing!
The Aussie outback hermit replies: "I just wanted to give us a lot of room in case it's anything like kangeroos".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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When Jane first discovered Tarzan living in the jungle, she had many questions about all aspects of his life and. eventually the subject got around to sex.
Jane said, "Tarzan, have you ever had sex?".
Tarzan replied "What sex?".
So Jane explained in detail what sex is.
Tarzan said, "Yes, Tarzan have sex many time."
Jane said, "How did you have sex? There are no other people in the jungle except you".
Tarzan replied, "Tarzan use knot hole in tree".
Jane was appalled. She went into a long explaination about how men and women have sex and even took off her cloths and volenteered to show Tarzan how men and women do it.
Tarzan accepted her invatation and proceeded to kick her in the crotch as hard as he could.
Jane screamed and fell to the ground and almost passed out.
When she had recovered she asked "What in the hell did you do that for!!"
He replied, "Tarzan check for bees"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
"Pay first, those are the rules." Says the bartender.
So the man gives him the $10, and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do...First you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila... the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90-year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things...."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks,
"Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up, and soon all the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping, and then... silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vendig machine that shoul d serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.' "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdrw his member... which now had a button sewed on the end.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.
Finally tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.
After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood.
Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"
Sharon replies, "No but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic. I miss the days when I had mine."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plasticgarbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of thebags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto thepavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the l ittle old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay up"....
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicle s from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Viva la Mehico
(I guess that is what would be said in a restaurant frequented by bulls) 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A local fire department, after putting out the blaze, discovered that the fire had started in basement where the owner was growing pot.
Several Fire fighter suffered from smoke inhalation, but were treat by the paramedics with twinkies and hohos and then released.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
Joe walked down the street; he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need...a new suit"
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, that's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said,
"Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--A news article from a Florida Newspaper:
"When Nathan Radlich's house was burgled, thieves left his TV, his VCR, and even left his watch. What they did take was "generic white cardboard box filled with greyish-whitepowder." (That at least is the way the police described it.) A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said "that it looked similar to cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time."
Then Nathan stood in front of the TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."
Well, the next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep.The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. And there was this note. It said: "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie.
Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said ..."Cleanup, Register 5"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, "Go ask you mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house."
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied "Oh my Gosh! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes...Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars..............but Realistically,.........we're living with two Sluts and a Queer.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex. So, she goes to see her doctor, and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.
"He's dead." She replyed
"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"
The woman replied, "He was sitting on the driveway licking himself, and I backed over him with the car."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup", replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You aZZholee! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the s treet in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store.
Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes.He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her,
"Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"
Startled, Sophia replies, "Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"
Gennaro answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes.How do you like them?"
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"
Rosa answers, "Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?"
He replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?"
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states, "Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!"
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight."
Gennaro gasps, "Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300! Boccelli leather shoes!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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While walking through the Boulder Colorado woods a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy, slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, ?What the hell happened to you?
"He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "Man, this just ain't gonna be your day cupcake..."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Scraggly Cat
One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.
We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat". We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks! " He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE who wanted the dirty cat, NOT him
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband "El-Cheap-O," and my husband calls him "El-Take-O." They love to hate each other and constantly "snipe" at each other, with my husband getting in the last word on this occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see him. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's beardedclam is finally clean and shaved and she now smells like a rose Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" And he closed the door.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted into the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss ... the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper.
I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will.
He said, "Will ? What Will ? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
13 Definition of a teenager ? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy walks into a bar and orders 2 martinis. He sucks back the first one and then pours the other one in his hand.
The bartender says, "If you're spilling them I'll have to cut you off."
The guy repiles,"I didn't spill it, I'm getting my date drunk."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello".
"Mrs. Newman, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Newman, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your family doctor sent your husband's specimen to the lab yesterday, a specimen from another Mr. Newman arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Newman asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. But we can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Newman.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.
"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.
The doctor says: "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"
The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."
So the doctor performs the operation. A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure. Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.
"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably ... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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limbhanger
Reged: 02/03/06
Posts: 73
Loc: missouri
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Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pizzed about.
A black congresswoman reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal.
She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in language that street people can understand. I can hear it now: A weatherman in Houston says...
"Wazzup, Mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Biatch be a category fo'! So grab yo' chirren, yo' Ho, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest guv'ment office fo yo FREE chit!"
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The only place it is ok to fight naked...is in PRISON!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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There was this man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He was very depressed because he loved to play the guitar, percussion instruments, and perform brain surgery, activities that required two arms.
One day he could not stand it anymore and decided to commit suicide.
He got one an elevator and went to the top of a 66 story building. Standing on the ledge, just before he jumped, he spied a man on the sidewalk below skipping along while whistling and kicking his heels into the air. At this point he noticed the man had no arms!
He started thinking," What the Hell am I doing up here when this more unfortuate person below is skipping down the sidewalk and apparently very happy with his life?"
He hurried down the 66 flights and caught up with the man without any arms.He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost only one of his arms, had felt ueless, and had decided to end his life; then thanked the armless man for saving his life and for giving him inspiration to become a productive person again.
The armless one began to skip, dance, whistle and kick his heels again.
So he asked, " Why are you so happy?"
"Happy? I'm not happy! My ass itches!!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An elderly Italian Jew wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a Catholic and changed my name from Levy to Spumoni, and I am alive today because of it."
"Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi."Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to feel guilty."
"It's worse, Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favors, which she did, repeatedly."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favorable balance between good and evil, and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."
"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Test
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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I ran out of things to say. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2006.html
Lots to read, but was Waterdog living in Brazil?
Hammer of Doom
2006 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(August 2006, Brazil) August brings us a winner from Brazil, who tried to disassemble a Rocket Propelled Grenade (RPG) by driving back and forth over it with a car. This technique was ineffective, so he escalated to pounding the RPG with a sledgehammer. The second try worked--in a sense. The explosion proved fatal to one man, six cars, and the repair shop wherein the efforts took place.
14 more RPG grenades were found in a car parked nearby. Police believe the ammunition was being scavenged to sell as scrap metal. If it wasn't scrap then, it certainly is now!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.
The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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PRISON vs. WORK
IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
AT WORK you have to share.
IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK they are called managers.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labour, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replies.
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in an adult movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the rear.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that!"
"What do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK.
The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate.
She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I think I just shot the dog."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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On a hot summer day, a redneck cowboy came riding into town on his horse with his dog following. He tied the horse and dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.
About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck cowboy said that it was his.
The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."
The redneck cowboy replies, "No way dog's in heat; he's cool cause I got'em tied under the shade of the tree."
The policeman says, "No! you don't understand; your dog needs to be bred.
" No way", the redneck cowboys says, "dog don't need bread, he's not hungry cause I fed him beef jerky this mornin".
Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!"
The redneck cowboy looks at him and says, "Go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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This isn't a joke but it has it's own rational derangement... Rich
Does the statement, "We've always done it like that" ring any bells? Read this to the end; this is a new one for me.
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.
That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built
the US Railroads.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of
destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right,
because the Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses!
Now, the twist to the story
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.
The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.
The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains.
The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.
The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.
- And - you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A bartender is alone in his bar, reading the paper when his young son runs in breathless and excited with a turtle in his hands.
"Dad, look what I found! Can I keep it?"
The bartender looks at his son, looks at the turtle and says, "I don't know, you already have two dogs and a fish. Give me the turtle, I'll put it in a box from the back and I'll think about it, ok?"
That's good enough for the kid and he runs back out to play. The bartender goes in the back, finds an empty box, puts the turtle in it and places it under the bar to think about the possibility of a new pet.
A few minutes later a drunk staggers in, sits down and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Get lost, you're already drunk. I'm not serving you".
The drunk takes a look around and notices 3 dart boards on the far back wall and asks, "Do they play darts here?" The bartender, annoyed, answers, "Of course they do, that's why the dart boards are up".
The drunk says, "I'll make you a deal. You give me one dart and I'll throw it from where I sit, and if I throw a bullseye in the middle board, you give me a drink. If I don't I'll walk out of here and never return."
The bartender figures he has nothing to lose seeing the impossibility of the task, so he reaches under the bar, pulls out a dart and lays it on the bar in front of the drunk.
Quick as lightning the drunk picks up the dart, spins around in the chair and fires it across the room in a perfect arc, straight to the bullseye of the center board.
The bartender's mouth drops open in disbelief, and before he can say anything the drunk says, "Maker's Mark please".
After the drunk downed the shot, the bartender says, "That was amazing luck, now get out of here". As the drunk is heading to the door the bartender looks down and notices the turtle. "WAIT!, he says to the drunk. I have a prize for you!" He reaches under the bar, picks up the box with the turtle and gives it to the drunk.
The drunk says with joy, "A PRIZE, THANK YOU!", and out the door he goes.
A year later the bartender is standing at his empty bar, reading the paper when a drunk staggers in, sits down and asks for a whiskey. The bartender says, "You're already drunk. Get lost".
The drunk looks at him and says, "You don't remember me do you?" The bartender says, "You look a little familiar, but I can't place you".
The drunk says, "Some time ago I came in and made you a bet that I could throw a bullseye in the center dartboard from this stool." The bartender says, "Oh, I remember you now. That was an incredibly lucky throw."
The drunk says, "Same deal?". The bartender, knowing that lightning doesn't strike the same place twice says, "Sure, have at it" , and gives the drunk a dart. Quck as lightning that doesn't strike the same place twice, the drunk spins on the stool and fires a perfect bullseye strike in the center dartboard.
Before the dumbfounded bartender can say a word the drunk says, "Maker's Mark please".
When he had downed the shot, the bartender says, "Sir, you are the luckiest man I've ever met. Now please leave and don't come back."
The drunk says, "That's fine sir, but what about my prize?"
"Your prize?"
"Yes, last time you gave me a prize".
The bartender says, "I don't remember giving you a prize. What did I give you?"
The drunk says, "A roast beef on a hard roll".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a
Lawyer, and one was a Hell's Angel.
After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my
anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that
if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedes,
and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last
anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I
figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and
she would know that I love her."
The Hell's Angel then took a big swig from his beer, and said ; "Yeah, well
for my anniversary, I got my old lady a Harley tee-shirt and a vibrator. I
figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fork herself!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're heading straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will
plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
Just at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. . . . ..
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,................
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna forkin' die."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two
people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used
the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before,
but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like chit."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A girl went to her mother and cried" Momma i cant keep a man!"
The mother replied"Come in the kitchen let me teach you something......."
The mother got a can of biscuits out of the icebox ,whacked them on the counter,took one out,threw it on the floor,splat! Then she proceded to pull up her dress squat over the biscuit and pick it up with no hands.
The mother said" Now you practice that and when you get good at it you can keep your man"
Weeks went by
Then one saturday night the daughter was in the sack with a new dude.
She said "oh wait i have something to show you!"
In she comes with a can of biscuits, whacks it on the bed post,pulls one out,throws it on the floor,splat! She hikes up her leg and squats in for the biscuit when out rips a big fart. Knowing surely her future lover would be mortified she looks up to apologize. "i'm sorry" she says......
He said "oh nawww if it'll growl like that at a biscuit, lets see what it'll do with a peice of meat!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I?ll be across the field."
A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's
Wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The boy, bless his heart, answered; "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.
I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.
But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, "Should we eat them here or take them with us?"
?Well, I guess I just panicked?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks. There were only 3 survivors: George, Darren and Deirdre.
They manage to swim to a small island. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex all the time, Deirdre felt really bad about what she had been doing.
She felt having sex with both George and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but George, Darren managed to get through it, and after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and George and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So... They buried her.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A blind man went to the airport to fly in a small plane and the pilot asked him, if you're blind, why do you want to fly?"
And the blind man said, he just wanted to have the experience.
So off through the skies they went!
The pilot had a heart attack and passed out and the blind man felt around and found the mike and keyed up and said, "Help, help, I'm a blind man flying upside down in a small plane and the pilot has passed out!"
A voice came over the speaker that said, "if you are a blind man, how do you know you're upside down?"
The man said, "because chit is running out of my collar!!!!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease.
The Lady: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"
The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"
The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed):" Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"
The Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"
The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"
The Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your boobs twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that"
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken farmer it is."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A young man moved into a new apartment of his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man went to a barber for a trim and a shave. While the barber was lathering the man up for his shave, the man told the barber that he always had a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.
The barber pulled a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer.
"Place this ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and I can give you a close shave."
The man did this, and the barber shaved the right side of his face.
"Wow!" exclaimed the man, "that is great!"
He put the ball in the left side of his mouth, in anticipation of the barbers next move and with muffled voice asked, "Buh wat happens if I accidentowy swawo du baw?"
The barber said, "Just bring it back tomorrow. That's what most guys do".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring
'Yeah right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The wo man sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from hi s drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.
As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head, looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.
"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.
"Well," she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won,so bought it with my share of the winnings."
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.
"Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.
She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again,so I bought it with my share of the winnings." Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari.
"How could you afford that car?" her husband asks.
You guessed it, Her share of the lotto winnings!
That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug. "What's this?" she asks her husband.
"Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A farmers bull goes bad so he takes it to the vet. The vet tests him and gives the farmer some medicine to give to the bull and assures him it will remedy the problem. The farmer takes the bull home and gives him a dose. the bull runs out to the herd and services them all then jumps the fence and does the neigbors horse and is last seen going over the hill off into the sunset.
The next day the bull is nowhere to be found.
A neighbor calls and tells the farmer the bull is in his pasture 3 miles down the road. He says
"i thought yore bull done went bad" "he's been servicin mah cows all day" "and the neighbors too" "whut did you do to him?"
Other farmer replies"Took him to the vet" "got him some dope"
1st farmer asks"well what is it"
The other farmer grins"i dunno but its tastes like chocolate"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Vietnam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment." and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes, 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls... no point in your coming in for that."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The old pirate walked into the low-ceilinged, smoke-filled tavern and looked about carefully. Way in the back he spotted a familiar face. That be you, Jamie?
Aye. Who's askin'? That you, Tim? Where've you been, and what happened to your pin there, he asked, pointing to Tim's wooden leg.
Lost 'er in the Caribean, trying to board a merchantman. The two ships come together as me leg was just over the bullworks. Nipped it off clean. And what happened to your flipper? Lucky it was the left one. That's a mighty finely crafted hook, best I've seen. And yer missin' a headlight. How did that happen?
Oh, I was with Nelson and a Spaniard sliced off me wing. Got even with him, though. Cut his head in half down the middle. As for me eyeball, 'twer seagull chit.
Seagull chit? How could seagull chit put out yer eye?
Oh, 'twas the day after I got me new hook.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Bob can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.
Bob asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take some muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.
Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.
The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bob the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".
Bob takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Bob starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.
No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants.
His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says, Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
The first guy says, "I can remember the first day of my first grade class."
Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at nersery school."
Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "That's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my dad, and coming home with my mom."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 57-year-old.
We drank a bit, and a had a bit of a make-out session and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
"What's that?" I asked.
"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.
I said, "No."
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place. She turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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STTH
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 423
Loc: Turd Crick
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It was entertainment night at the Senior Center . Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations"
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while
quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
"SH!T!!!" said the Hypnotist............
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A blind man walks into a little restaurant and sits down.
The owner, walks up to him and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a fork used by a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah,yes, that's what I'll have--meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen and tells his wife Gladys, the cook, what just happened.
The blind man eats and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry! I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife Gladys that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Gladys, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Gladys complies and hands her husband the fork.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I have your fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose,sniffs, and says,
"Hey, I didn't know Gladys worked here!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch; and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less; and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh told him to f*** off.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man was in the waiting room at the hospital, pacing the floor. His wife was inside having their first child. After a while the doctor came out to talk to the nervous father.
"Well, your baby is here. It's a boy. And guess what? He can fly!" The doctor let go of the baby and it hit the floor with a SMACK. The father was irrate. The doctor calmed him down
"Don't worry, I'm a doctor. I know what I'm doing. Your baby really can fly. Watch." Again, the doctor picked up the baby, and this time tossed it across the room. Again, the baby hit the floor with a hard SMACK. The father was just about ready to kill the doctor.
"You idiot! You're going to kill my baby!"
"Don't worry. He just needs to be scared a little." So the doctor took the baby and held it out the third story window. The doctor let go of the baby and it hit the sidewalk below with a sickening SPLAT. The father was beside himself with anger.
"You son-of-a-biatch! I'm gonna kill you!"
"Hey, don't worry! I'm just joking with you. Your baby was stillborn."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian Chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in the head-dresses.
"Feathers show number of sexual partners" the cheif replied.
Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather" "Him?", pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."
The reporter looked at the Cheif's head-dress. "But you have so MANY feathers !!!!!"
The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with ALL women. Big, small, fat, tall."
Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung !!"
The Chief said, "Damn RIGHT ! Me hung big, like buffalo, long like snake."
The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"
To which the Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, ANY-style."
The shocked reporter cried, "OH, DEAR!!!"
"No deer" said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Bawaaahahahahahahahaha!!!! 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence" the farmer says "This is a special day for me . I am celebrating"
"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence!" says the farmer. As they clinked glasses the man asked "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!"
"What a coincidence "says the man."I'm a chicken farmer and for years, all of my hens were infertile but today they are all laying fertlised eggs "
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock," he replied.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence!".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar.
He Walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her.
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
And what happened then? Asked Jeff.
"I kicked her in the face."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man boarded an airplane in St John's with a box of frozen crabs. The stewardess took it and promised to put it in the refrigerator.
Shortly before landing, she retrieved the crabs, but could not remember which passenger the box belonged to. So she got on the PA system and asked, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in St John's please raise your hand?
Not one hand went up.
She took the crabs home.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A couple came home drunk one night and the lady could not make the stairs so she takes off here clothes and passes out on the couch while her husband goes to bed.
A while later he hears a scream. He comes down and asks her what the hell is the matter.
She said "A mouse had crawled up my snatch."
They call the doctor and the doc said "I will be right over but until I get there tie a piece of cheese on a string and stand behind here ahd dangle the string in front of her vagina the mouse will see that and come out."
A while later the Doc rings the door bell and the guy hollers come on in.
The doc comes in and sees the guy with a string and a piece of fish.
The doc says "What the hell are you doing I said cheese."
The guy replyed "Yea doc and it was working too. Then the mouse stuck his head out and the damn cat seen him. Now its a whole new ball game."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Ole & Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands.
"Vhere dit yew git dat monster??" "Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from me Genie."
"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.
"Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box," says Ole.
"Could I see him?"
So Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your Master, vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes, I will," says the genie.
So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens & is filled with the sound of a million ducks...flying overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole. "Yumpin' Yimminy I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic ?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my? life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy calls a company and orders their 5 day 10lb weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The Sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought he takes off after her. After a few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
The same girl shows up for the next 4 days and the same thing happens.
On the 5th day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb, as promised.
He calls the company and orders the 5 day 20lb program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign round her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."
Well he's out the door like a shot!
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next 4 days the same thing happens.
Much to his delight, on the 5th day he weighs himself again only to discover he has lost another 20lb. As promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7day 50lb program.
"Are you sure?" asks the rep on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies," I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft black man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign that reads: " I'm Nigel. If I catch you, you're mine..."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Billy Bob and his wife were at the hospital waiting to have a baby. Billy Bob was pacing back and forth when the doctor came out and said, well son you got a big ole boy. But barely before he could get the sentence finished a nurse came rushing out to get the doctor back.
Billy Bob not knowing what was wrong went back to pacing again, when the doctor came back out a few minutes later and said, well son you also got yourself a big ole girl too. But before the doctor could finish that sentence the nurse came bursting back out again.
Billy Bob was in a panic and went back to pacing not knowing what was happening, when in a few more minutes the doctor came back out and said Billy Bob you got yourself another son, not quite as big but all 3 are healthy babies."Doc" Billy Bob said you sure she's through???? The doctor said yes I made sure this time, you got 3 babies all at one time and she through now.
A couple of hours later Billy Bob was admiring all 3 of his babies with his wife Bobby Sue. He looked down at all them and his exhausted wife. He said Bobby Sue, you remember the night we had all that sex and was out of any kind of lubricant to slick things up with???? Bobby Sue said yeah hun why?? Well you remembered all we had left in the house was that 3 in 1 oil to use to lubricant with??? Bobby Sue said yeah I remember. Billy Bob said damm I'm glad we didn't use that WD40 like I started too.......................
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him "I have some very bad news for you ...I'm afraid that you're afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease."
So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING I can do, doc?"
"Hmmm.... maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths." The doctor tells the patient.
"Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?"
"Probably not.... But at least you'll get used to being covered in dirt!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: Bullet Proof Your Baby
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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They can't be for real.
Times are achangin'... 
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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It was tempting to put this under product revues.
One of the papers in Sweden was all over this for a couple of days. Then they figured out that it was a spoof.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she scream ed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A soldier, running very fast, came to a fork in the road and saw a Catholic nun.
Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirt for a few minutes? I'll explain why later."
The nun agreed. A moment later two military police officers came running and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier on this road?"
The nun replied, "Yes, he went that-a-way." After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under the skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough. I don't want to go to Iraq."
The nun said, "I fully understand."
The soldier added, "And I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher up, you would have also seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Iraq either."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out.
He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it, behind her.
Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.
After business was finished, Dad went to check on little Johnny.
He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.
Dad yelled,"Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"
Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when it's YOUR mom, is it?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused,
because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is
good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you
something else, boy, your g randma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says "Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed ......"Not with a carnation"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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All kidding aside, the above joke was in the Humor in Uniform section of the Reader's Digest about 40 years ago. That time, it was a navy admiral, and the flower was a dafodil. It was funny then, and it is still funny in the various forms I have seen. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Mel, I remember it from "Humor in Uniform" also. One thing about getting to a certain age - you get to see things come around again. Jokes stick around for a long, long time.
Here's one I've always liked that I bet dates from the 1920's because it deals with a hand-cranked wall telephone.
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A little farmer lived alone outside of town, and he stuttered and couldn't talk plain. He decided to finally get a telephone installed like his neighbors had.
He stopped by the telephone office in town and placed his order, and a couple of days later two big guys from the phone company came, ran a wire to the highway, and installed a phone on his kitchen wall.
As soon as they left, he tried to make his first call.
(crank, crank, crank) "Operator."
"G-g-gimme one tree tree fo' fi', peas."
"Excuse me, sir?"
"O-o-one tree tree fo' fi', peas."
"I can't understand you, sir."
"O-O-ONE TREE TREE FO' FI'!"
The Operator got snooty and said "Sir, you're going to have to talk better than that or you can't make a call."
That made the little farmer mad, and he said "Y-y-you can jusht take thish phone and shhtick it up your asshh.", and he slammed it down.
The next morning the two big guys from the phone company knocked on the farmer's door. One of them said "Sir, we don't allow people to talk to our women like that. Now, you've got a choice - you can call the operator up and apologize right now, or we're going to remove your telephone."
The little farmer calmly walked to the telephone.
(crank, crank, crank) "Operator."
"A-a-are you the operator I told to shhtick this ph-ph-phone up her asshh?"
Still offended, the operator said "I CERTAINLY am!"
"W-w-well, get r-r-ready. Th-they're bringing it in!"
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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That is one funny joke. Those that never had to deal with crank phones, operators, or party lines just don't know what they missed. I think the folks in our town got their first dial phones in the late 1950s. Up til then, you told the operator what number you wanted; the crank phones were gone in town by then.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Yeah, I used to stay with an aunt and uncle in a small Missouri town that had party lines and operators. Those operators did things that computers can't do, though cell phones make up for it, I guess.
"Hi, Susie. Give me Joe Warren, please."
"Hi. Joe's not home, I saw him go in the barbershop. I'll ring him over there."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Hop
Reged: 12/16/06
Posts: 1801
Loc: Now that's a 10-2 Code
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A Traveling Salesman was driving down the road and all of a sudden he say a Nun on the side of the road that had run out of gas.
The salesman stopped to see if he could help.. He said "Sister I can go get some gas for you so you can be on your way." The Nun said "Thank You Dear Man".
The salesman returned and put the gas in her vehicle.. she said "Thank You! Let me pay you!"
The salesman said "Oh No Sister I could not take a dime from you I am sure you would have done the same for me".
The Nun said "Is there anything I can do for you? I would do anything!"
Well the salesman looked at her and thought to himself.. I bet she looks hot under that habit she's wearing"...
He looks oe at her and says, "I aint never made love to a nun before!"
She looks at him and said you are not going to either my Son" in a disgusted look.
He got some embarrassed and almost to tears...Over and Over he kept saying"I am so Sorry Sister!"
And as he was walking to his car the Non said."Come here a Min....First of All are you Married?" he Reepplies well no Sister!"
She then says to him."When I took my Oath I swore never to have my vagina penitrated.. But there are other things we can do to repay you". She said "Heads or Tails".. he said "Oh how about Both!"
Well when they finshed and he got all situated he looked back at her and said. "Sister I have something to admit to you... I Lied. I am Married."
She looked at him and said.. "That Okay Cause I Lied to You.. My Name is Actually Bob and I was on my way to a Gay Costume Party!"
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Visit us at: http://flocked-N-Locked.com
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A cowboy riding across the desert sees an indian lying naked on top of a sand dune with his hard-on sticking straight in the air.
The cowboy rides up and asks the indian: What ARE you doin??
the indian says: Me tell time.
How you gonna do that? asks the cowboy.
Sun cast shadow 'cross dick, Tell Time! says the indian.
the cowboy rides off shaking his head and says: Whatever!??
After a few more miles the cowboy comes across another indian laying naked on a sand dune with his dick straight up in the air.
The cowboy asks: Ok, now what are YOU doin???
the indian says: Me tell time.
How you gonna do that? asks the cowboy.
Sun cast shadow 'cross dick, Tell Time! says the indian.
the cowboy rides off shaking his head and says: Yeah, RIGHT!
a couple of miles later the cowboy sees an indian sitting indian style on a sand dune jerking off like there's no tomorrow.
The cowboy asks: I hate to ask, but what do you think you're doin???
the indian replies: Me Wind Watch
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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VASELINE !!!!
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well it's quite simple really " says the seller " whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night his girlfriend Sandra invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house Sandra stops him and says "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."
"When we eat dinner we don't talk. In fact the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem" he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs in the corridor everywhere he looks dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and sure enough no one says a word. As dinner progresses Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still nobody says a word. So he stands up grabs her rips her clothes off throws her on the table and screws her right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body" he thinks. So he grabs the mom bends her over the dinner table and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling but still total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts "All right that's enough I'll do the damned dishes!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
Edited by SwampFox (03/15/08 02:45 PM)
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Top this for a speeding ticket!
Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar.
One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.
The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.
Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.
Back at the CHIPs Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander The reply came back in true USMC style:
Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location. Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.
The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, The officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.
Thank you for your concern.
Semper Fi
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man left his local saloon late one warm summer evening, and headed, somewhat erratically, toward home. The shortest route led through a cemetery. Being a level-headed sort, even in his condition, he thought nothing of it.
Unfortunately, there was not enough light for him to notice a freshly-dug grave. In he tumbled. Fortunately, the hole was otherwise unoccupied.
After a few attempts at leaping to safety, and about the same number of equally ineffective yells for help, the inconvenienced gentleman settled down in a corner to await the arrival of day and the sexton. Soon he was asleep.
An hour later another patron of the same establishment also attempted to navigate the cemetery. Unlike his predecessor, he found his besotted mind filled with anxiety about all kinds and manner of ghoulies, ghosties, long-leggedy beasties, and things that go bump ... and there he was, down in the same hole. Frantically, he screamed for assistance. Putting forth every effort of which his inebriated frame was capable, he did his best to elevate himself to the safety of ground level. To no avail.
Of course, the previous victim was eventually awakened by all the commotion. Guessing what was going on, he said in a sleepy voice, "You can't get out of here by jumping."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a
robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 13 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?", they asked. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project" said Tommy. The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I'm ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha and whacked her too.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An Austrian woman is like a good wine.
Best left to mature in a cellar.
I've just bought this Austrian girls diary off ebay. Its not very interesting it just says:
Monday: Stayed in
Tuesday: Stayed in
Wednesday: Stayed in.
Austrian authorities have said that Josef Fritzl has been improving as a father as of late. In fact, police have said that he has "Been coming into his own".
The Austrians have taken their fondness for the Sound of Music too far. They even have their own Von Trapped family.
Just when we thought Madeleine McCann was pixxing the World Hide & Seek Record, some Austrian bird romps home with a 24 year claim!
An Austrian journalist asked a neighbour how long he had known Josef Fritzls ' daughter Alice. “Alice” he replied “Who the f**k is Alice? You mean for 24 years I’ve been living next door to Alice?!”
Official advice on sex education for Austrian teenagers is to keep them in the dark as long as possible.
Austrian authorities are worried by the rapid drop in stag nights after it was learnt they actually do lock up their daughters.
The Austrian interbred Fritzl family have been moved to a safe place, where it is believed they will blend in seamlessly into the local society... Hobart, Tasmania
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: How To Get Rid Of A One Night Stand...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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CNN reports that gas stations will start showing PORN movies on the screens of the pumps so that you can see someone else get screwed at the same time you do.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
CNN reports that gas stations will start showing PORN movies on the screens of the pumps so that you can see someone else get screwed at the same time you do.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Bubba's getting starngely arroused...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: George Takei PSA
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Mr. Sulu is gay? Awww, man!
I'm embarrassed for him after watching that video. Japanese people are dignified and they have a lot of pride. I bet Takei has some "honorable ancestors" who'd a chopped his head off with a sword for acting like that - the little dipchit.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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No doubt.
They would probably go for the Deat Of A Thousand Cuts for this...
Star Trek star George Takei marries
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
Edited by SwampFox (06/29/08 12:24 PM)
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the Bar tender, 'Don't mind us, were joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'.
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.
'Ah, England!' says the Bar tender. 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...'
'Nah, we don't like that British stuff,' says John. ' Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - ..'
'So why keep going to England ?' asks the Bar tender.
'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!
In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a huge 86% of Detroit residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison ....
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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67Firebird
Former political advocate
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 9167
Loc: Russellville, Mo
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
Fixed, because the Spelling Nazi in me couldn't stand it anymore. 
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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After dying in a car crash, three friends go to heaven for orientation.
They are all asked the same question. "When you are in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, What would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, "Look, he's moving!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Siamese twins walk into a bar in Texas and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender,
"Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Lonestar beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers and says,
"Been on vaction yet, boys?"
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"
Jim agrees.
"Ah, England!", says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."
"Nah, we don't like any of that British crap!" says John.
"Bar BQ & Lonestar beer, that's us, right Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."
"So why keep going to England?", asks the bartender.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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DjF
little buddie
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 5410
Loc: staring at an empty mailbox...
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Texas and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender,
"Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Lonestar beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers and says,
"Been on vaction yet, boys?"
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"
Jim agrees.
"Ah, England!", says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."
"Nah, we don't like any of that British crap!" says John.
"Bar BQ & Lonestar beer, that's us, right Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."
"So why keep going to England?", asks the bartender.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
it was funnier on 6/29... 
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somewhere between "Hi, how can we help you?" and "Get off my lawn!"
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Hater...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The telephone lineman had been out drinking the night before, and the next day he went to work not feeling too good.
He climbed to the top of the first pole and as he took his pliers out to repair the wire he dropped them. He had to climb all the way down to retrieve them. As he got to the bottom of the pole and was picking up his pliers, a small boy who was standing there said "My daddy is a lineman too and he would have had two pair of pliers, so he wouldn't have to climb down the pole if he dropped one of them".
The lineman tied to ignore the boy and climbed back up the pole very slowly. About his time he needed a hammer to drive in a large nail. As he was taking it out, it slipped and fell to the ground. Again he had to climb down the pole to retrieve it. So he slowly climbed down the pole and sure enough the little boy was still standing there. He said, "My daddy is a lineman too and he would have carried two hammers so if he had lost one he wouldn't have to climb down".
This irritated the lineman, but he ignored the boy and climbed back up the pole to finish his work. He was no sooner up the pole when he had to go to the bathroom, so down he climbs from the pole and goes over to the bushes to take a leak.
As he was relieving himself he saw the little boy watching him through the bushes. He'd had it with this kid so he says to him, "I'll bet your dad doesn't have two of these, does he?"
The boy replied, "No, but his would make two of yours".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: Gift for the guy that has everything...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!', exclaimed the young fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Man goes to his local clinic for his annual medical checkup with the resident nurse.
Nurse: "Sir, I think you should stop masturbating"
Patient: "Why?"
Nurse: "Because I am trying to examine you!!!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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you are a sick man!
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Thank you.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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67Firebird
Former political advocate
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 9167
Loc: Russellville, Mo
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Should children witness Childbirth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!'
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Boys At The Brothel!
Two eight-year-old boys played in a vacant lot everyday, and across the street was a brothel.
Day after day they saw men go up, knock on the door, go in, and eventually come out happy and smiling. One day they became curious and decided to see what was going on.
The madam answers the door and looks down at the boys, and asks what they want. They explain what they saw, and tell her that they are curious as to what goes on inside.
The Madam thinks for a moment, shrugs, and says, "Do you have 5 dollars?"
Both boys dig deep into their pockets and come up with a total of 50 cents.
She says, "OK, that will have to do," as she proceeds to lift her skirt and pull down her panties. She tells both boys to take a sniff, which they do. She closes the door and the kids proceed home.
About halfway down the block one boy turns to the other and says, "Ya know Joey, I don't think I coulda stood 5 dollars worth of that."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: Mohamed Brand Condoms
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Great Depression
3 generations of prostitutes were talking and the granddaughter says, "I get 100 bucks for a blow job."
"A hundred bucks," the mother cried, "back in my day I was happier then hell with 20."
The old granny said,"Sh*t I was working during the great depression and I was just happy to get a hot meal."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: Sharing A Beer
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Model sues Mexican plastic surgeon for not making her nipples even after a breast implant!!
The doctor said, 'They looked good to me!'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I'm not sure what this means but I couldn't quit staring at it.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Uh, this one may get the axe from the po po up in hera....just saying.
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God Bless our Troops!
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67Firebird
Former political advocate
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 9167
Loc: Russellville, Mo
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Yeah, I'd say pull those last two.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I've seen tities posted elsewhere on the site.
I'll get a ruling.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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As this is for the seriously deranged, it will stay for now.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Well, this is just grossssss...
Spider Bite?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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locked up
snake charmer!!
Reged: 01/24/08
Posts: 691
Loc: pit city mo
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that is just WRONG!!!!!!!!
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Why do you ask?
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Hey, back to the gal with the unaligned boobies. I don't know about the cockeyed guy, but the picture of the woman was photoshopped. Look closely at her left nip and you can see where it was moved from its' lower, normal, position.
As far as the guy with the spider bite, I quit watching halfway through. That's just gross - and he needs a doctor for that nasty thing.
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Good Lord.....
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God Bless our Troops!
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foots
the exterminator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5241
Loc: by my spiritual advisor, Wu
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Man that is way cool.
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I was born kicking, screaming, and covered in someone elses blood. I have no problem goin out the same way.
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67Firebird
Former political advocate
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 9167
Loc: Russellville, Mo
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Bwaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Best laugh I've had in a while
It looked like a bunch of worms to me. Coulda baited a hook with some of those.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I see my day wasn't totally wasted.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Let's play with our minds for a moment...
Murphy's law application for antigravitatory cats
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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cook
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 1750
Loc: in my underwear
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Jesus walks into a hotel,
he lays 3 nails on the counter and asks
"..can you put me up for the night?"
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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That is sooo wrong... 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Origins of the word deekhed?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the last Olympics that they would like to take back
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries,and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . .. Oh my God, what have I just said?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Mister Rogers the Clown
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Penn State University spent $200,000.00 and two years studying why the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft. After two years the researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft simply for a mans pleasure.
The University of Nebraska did not think Penn State offered an accurate conclusion so they did the same study except they spent $300,000.00 and three years. After three years they determined that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft simply for the pleasure of women.
Texas A&M did not believe that Penn State or Nebraska had any clue as to what they were studying. So Texas A&M did a study of their own and spent $400.00 and four weeks and concluded that the head of a man's penis was there so his hand would not slip off and hit him in the forehead.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Sexy Cow! Harry and his wife were driving in the country when he saw a sign that said, "Cow For Sale ... $5000"
He pulled in and said to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars."
The farmer said, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this!"
He lifted the cow's tail, and Harry saw that the cow had a snatch just like a woman.
Harry got back in the car, turned to his wife, and began to cry, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman and it's worth $5000. And here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you ain't worth chit!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type for my ex, so he knows what rejection feels like" – Pippa Evans
"The Olympics are for everyone, not just someone who happens to own a dancing horse" – Glenn Wool, on dressage
"I like Jesus, but he loves me, so it's awkward" – Tom Stade
"I love being touched sexually by an ecologist" – Jo Neary, in character as a dolphin
"Glasgow has its own version of Monopoly – just one big square that reads: Go To Jail" – Des Clarke
"A problem shared is attention gained" – Pippa Evans
"Never say to an autistic person, you do the maths" – Wilson Dixon
"I'm glad they invented emoticons, otherwise I wouldn't know what my dad was thinking" – Kerry Godliman
On having sex with men in their thirties: "Generally much better, but you've got to rub their legs afterwards for cramp" – Sarah Millican
"I love paying tax so much, the sight of a gritter lorry gives me an erection" – Jon Richardson
"No seriously, I am a feminist, just a lusty, ogling feminist. I'm a lesbian, in fact" – Rob Deering
"Looking at my face is like reading in the car. It's all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick" – Andrew Lawrence, on his ginger appearance
"One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out" – Tim Vine
"If it's gone abroad, it must be fraud" – Tom Wrigglesworth, on the mindset of the high-street banks
"Victoria Beckham? Does this tampon make me look fat?" – Joan Rivers, on celebrities
"What do you say to your adopted African child if you want them to eat up their dinner? 'There are people starving in Africa right now, like your parents'" – Tom Stade
"Politicians are like God. No one believes in them, they haven't done anything for ages, and they give jobs to their immediate family" – Andy Zaltzman
"Channel 4 just cuts out bits from 'heat' magazine and throws them on the floor" – Wendy Wason, on C4 scheduling
"I'm dating now, because I ran out of hooker money" – Rick Shapiro
"The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn't it just be easier to talk to a woman?" – Stephen Brown
"Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, 'There's a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him" – Carey Marx
"I love making love on a bed of nails, but can I go on top?" – Ginger and Black
"The definition of bipolar? A sexually curious bear" – Marcus Birdman
"One of my friends had twins with IVF. Two old ladies that she knew came up to her, and one got the term wrong. In a very sweet voice, she said, 'Oh, would you look at those beautiful twins! Did you get those on the HIV?'" – Craig Hill
"Old people don't like swearing, because a lot of the words weren't invented in their day, so they feel left out" – Zoe Gardner
"The anti-aging advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, 'Aah, I've used too much'" – Andrew Bird
"I don't hate the Germans, I just miss my grandparents" – Ian Stone
"'What's a couple?' I asked my mum. She said, 'Two or three'. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed" – Josie Long
"My friend said she was giving up drinking from Monday to Friday. I'm just worried she's going to dehydrate" – Kerri Godliman
"Ken Dodd is one of my favourite comics, and one of the richest in showbusiness – he has Swiss money in Irish banks" – Roy Walker
"I wonder what would happen if Franz Ferdinand were assassinated?" – Glenn Wool
"My uncle Cleetus is illiterate and ambidextrous. Which is a double tragedy. He is unable to write, with both hands" – Wilson Dixon
"I like David Beckham. Most of us have skeletons in our closet. But he takes his out in public" – Andrew Lawrence
"If Britons were left to tax themselves, there would be no schools, no hospitals, just a 500-mile-high statue of Diana, Princess of Wales" – Andy Zaltzman
"Surgery is just stabbing in a courteous environment" – A L Kennedy
"I know someone whose dream is to be an actor but they're not that good – they got mugged, and had to audition for the part of themselves on 'Crimewatch'. They got Passer-by No 2" – Isy Suttie
"My boyfriend likes role play. He likes to pretend we're married. He waits until I go to bed, then he looks at porn and has a wank" – Joanna Neary
"I was talking to my friend from New York yesterday, and I used the expression, 'You can't polish a turd'. He looked at me, disgusted, and said, 'No, you can't, but you can roll it in glitter'. He's a lovely guy but I wouldn't want to go to a craft fair with him" – Steve Williams
"My Nan had a plastic hip put in, but I thought she should have replaced it with a Slinky, 'cause if she fell down the stairs again..." – Steve Williams
"A headline last year, after the death of Saddam Hussein, read: 'Tyrant is hanged'. My auntie looked at the newspaper and sobbed, 'Who's going to present "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"' " – Steve Williams
"I used to go out with Christopher Reeve, but I just had to keep standing him up" – Steve Hall
"I despise cliquishness, for reasons only my four closest friends will ever properly understand" – Steve Hall
"Where I'm from, people aren't quick. A girl once asked her mum, 'Can I have a Cadbury's Creme Egg?' The mum said, 'No, you can't Danielle, I've already told you, darling – bird flu!'" – Tom Deacon
"I once buggered a man unconscious. I'm lying, he was already unconscious when I found him" – Tom Deacon
"I never know the right thing to say, especially during sex. After my first time, I said to the girl, 'That's it, I'm afraid'" – Tom Deacon
"I'm the eldest of five children. My parents aren't Catholic, just reckless" – Danielle Ward
"I was in Halifax one Friday night in July, and I thought they were having an 'idiots and whores' theme party, but no – that's just Halifax on a Friday night" – Rob Deering
"I do love Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen. He always looks so... clean. But if you went out dressed like that round our way, you'd get the MDF kicked out of you" – Domestic Goddi Rosie Wilkinson & Helen O'Brien
"I've got nothing against disabled people, I've even got one of their stickers on my car" – Damian Callinan
"My granny was recently beaten to death by my granddad. Not as in, with a stick – he just died first" – Alex Horne
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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So this guy was running on the beach and he saw this chick with no arms and no legs crying. He went up to her and asked her whats wrong?
She replied " I ve never been hugged before..."
No problem he said, and he picked her up and she was smiling from ear to ear as he ran on down the beach.
So as hes coming back he notices her crying again. He asked what was wrong this time and she said she had never been kissed before. He said that was no problem and planted a big one on her. As he left she was smiling from ear to ear.
He comes back and shes crying again. This time he asked " What the hell is wrong now?"
"Well I ve never been screwed before..."
He picked her up and threw her in the water.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Fix a joke.....
A better punch line would be" I've never been screwed before"...to which he replied" well ,you will be when the tide comes in !"
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son, 14 year old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor.
Bubba introduces Billy Bob to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex."
The madam says, "Bubba you've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally." So the madam takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering.
Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave, I'm going to give you a manicure."
Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob run into the madam on the main street. Billy Bob is acting a little shy so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?"
"Yes ma'am the boy stammers, "You're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices. Suddenly, and without warning, the woman reaches over and slices off the mans pecker. Angrily the woman tosses the pecker out the window of the car.
Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a fella with his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the pecker smacks the pickup in the windshield and bounces off. Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that?"
Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says, "He sure had a big pecker!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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You are driving down the road in your Corvette on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your Corvette? Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS....... The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.' Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'
HOWEVER....... The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Website: Tampon Crafts
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Learning To Speak!
A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his (also a mute). In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing.
The friend replied (vocally!), "Oh, you can can that hand-waving chit. I can talk now!"
Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. It seems that he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords.
Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon.
After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.
"Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!"
"Very well," replies the specialist. "Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in."
The mute does as instructed and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick, mallet, and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home" with a few deft swipes of the mallet. T
he mute jumps from the table, screaming, "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!"
"VERY good," smiles the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we start with 'B'."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Bad , really bad.
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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It was a toss up.
Here or in your thread.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Man & Wife were having finacial difficulties. He came up with the idea to put her 'on the street' for extra income.
She shows up the following morning and hands him $ 85.50.
He said ," What cheap bastid gave you fifty cents?"
She said , " All of em?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.
Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged...shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK, the damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the bird shot.
The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."
"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied "is your brother a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony....He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss all over yourself."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Female software engineers become sexually irresistible at the age of consent, and remain that way until about thirty minutes after clinical death.
Longer if it's a warm day.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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As I was checking into a hotel recently, I said to the female front desk clerk:
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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OMG....
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A bloke walks into the Central Glasgow Library and says to the very prim librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv eny buuks on suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,
'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Damn....
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I almost didn't post that one.
Then I found out he has a hotter girl friend than me.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Hawking is a mad man...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist. The Scot opens his sporran (The pouch worn in the front of the kilt, which serves as a pocket) and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up, and eyes it critically. "How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.
"Six pence," says the pharmacist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence," says the pharmacist.
The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging. A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by an even greater shout. The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist. "The regiment has taken a vote," the Scot says. "We will have a new one."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Dude... 
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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It's deranged. 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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SF...where do you find this stuff?
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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It floats through the air.
You just have to know how to grab it.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Unicorns and Candy Mountain
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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One morning, members of a city street department crew reached their job site and realized they had forgotten their shovels.
The crews foreman radioed the office and told his supervisor the situation.
"Don't worry," the supervisor radioed back.
"We'll send shovels. Just lean on each other until they arrive."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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KFC's new Swine Flu Dipping Sauce...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
* 2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
* 2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs/humans around the globe
It gets worse........
Next year......
*
*
*
2010 - Chinese year of the cork - what could possibly go wrong?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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67Firebird
Former political advocate
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 9167
Loc: Russellville, Mo
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Cork Flu?
I don't get it. 
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The word filter changed the c to an r.
As in "cork sucker."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Oh my.
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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In bygone days, a thin man insulted a heavyset man. The heavyset man challenged his tormentor to a duel with pistols.
On the day of the duel, a debate ensued about the unfair advantage held by the thin man because he was a much smaller target. Finally the thin man came up with a solution.
"Let the outline of my figure be chalked upon your body," he said to his opponent, "and any shots of mine that hit outside the chalk lines, we won't count."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it on the nose as hard as possible."
"If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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How deranged are we?
90 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.
Millions of people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Did you hear the one about the graduate student that falied genetic engineering?
His homework ate his dog.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Maybe a video for the seriously deranged.
The Power Of Beer
Edited by SwampFox (07/18/09 07:39 PM)
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67Firebird
Former political advocate
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 9167
Loc: Russellville, Mo
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While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You've gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
His curiousity piqued, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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That might "strangely arouse" Bubba someway.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Now you're scaring me...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Wooden Leg Insurance
A man and his wife, moved back home to Kentucky, from Ohio. The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Ohio cost them $2000 per year!
When they arrived in Kentucky, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said: "$39."
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Kentucky to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio!
The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, "Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39.... You just have to know how to describe it!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking/smoking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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British Al Qaeda on Strike
Postby Karl/Pa. » Wed Jun 02, 2010 4:09 pm
June 2nd, 2010
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth”.
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, “We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.
Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don’t like cutting wages but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.”
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as “There are no virgins in their areas anyway”.
Another reason for the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle – now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like that they are not so keen on going to Paradise.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbors dog whilst the neighbors went on their holidays.
The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a biatch that was in 'heat' and the neighbor's dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.
As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.
Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.
Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.
The spinster explained the problem. The vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the biatch"
"Oh" said the spinster. "Do you think that will work?"
"Well" the vet replied, "IT JUST WORKED ON ME!!!!!!".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she fell at my feet. As we laid there making love, I thought----
"These Tasers are damn well worth the money."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,
"Well, Doctor,I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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fish
senior member - literally
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 2464
Loc: Kingdom of Callaway
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A Little Canadian Fishing Humor
MISSING NOVA SCOTIAN WIFE
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties.
"We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.
"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.
The Mounties looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said
"Give me the bad news first."
The second Mountie said,
"I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."
Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"
The Mountie answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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That's just deranged.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A tough looking biker was riding his harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either..
He asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, a kiss he gets, long, slow, passionate..
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had.
That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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....After both suffering with depression me & the wife decided to commit suicide yesterday...but strangely enough after she killed herself I started to feel a lot better and thought, the heck with it! I'll soldier on ...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray'?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes later, my client showed up.
We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi, Ray," he said.
I replied, "fork off, Gates, I'm in a meeting."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg.
Hello?
Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?
No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.
After a brief pause, Daddy says, but honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.
Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now.
Brief Pause.
Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.
Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
I did it, Daddy.
And what happened, honey?
Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!
Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?
He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
Then Daddy says, Swimming pool? ........ Is this 486-5731?
No, I think you have the wrong number.......
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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One rainy spring night in Belfast, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure lept into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Vale Road," answered the woman.
"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?'"
"Well lady," replied the driver, "I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, “Does this answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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There was a cruise ship that was going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small abandoned island.
There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl.
They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.
After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it.
Well time went by and of course the guys still had their 'needs'. But after a couple of years they began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing so they buried her.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video - its forking hilarious.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Three people having sex is a Threesome
Two people having sex is a Twosome
So next time someone calls you, "Handsome" don't take it as a compliment!!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Count Your Blessings
The next time you think you're having a really bad day, imagine this:
You're a Siamese twin. Your brother, attached at your shoulder is gay. You're not.
He has a date coming over tonight.
You only have one ass....
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mac
Birding Moderator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3379
Loc: The Great State of Nebraskey
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The Funeral
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF C0ND0MS PLEASE.
CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?
Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, I now understand why they call you handsome.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I’m not the best looking guy; some would say I’m a little frayed around the edges these days.
But, I have a nice bike, a little money, and I spend most of my time casually riding from place to place.
I met a nice-looking girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us.
She did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought, “Damn, these Taser guns are really worth the money!”
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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dabs
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 5971242
Loc: New Money, USA
Current High Scores in:
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Jerry Sandusky's favorite musician - Pink Floyd
Favorite line from a Pink Floyd song - You can't have your pudding if I don't eat your meat!
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Time Saving Cleaning Tip!!
This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.
1. Put both lids of the toilet up. And add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. (You may need to sit on the lid).
4. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds.
5. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
6. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.
7. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
8. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
9. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
10. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely, The Dog
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I went to the pub last night and saw a fat girl dancing on a table.
I said to her, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely. Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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This fella comes home from work to find his girlfriend packing up all her clothes. Fella looks at his girlfriend and asks...."what's going on???"
Girlfriend turns to him and says "I'm leaving you, I can't stay with you any more"
"Why not?" ask the guy....
Girlfriend says "I just found out you were a Pedophile"..
The guy replies "A Pedophile....wow....That's a mighty big word for a 10 year old"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Ok , it is kinda cute
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I had to think about that one but with the hairless Filipino boy jokes...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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This morning I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You idiot..!
You were supposed to turn your clock back !
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of corktails and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ~ I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Joe and Peter are downing a beer at the bar, exchanging small talk.
Joe says:"I hate my job... Delivering pizza, it's absolutely horrible: the whole day I can see them, I can smell them, hot and juicy, I can even touch them... But I can't eat them!"
Peter sighs deeply, and says:"You're damn right... It's an absolute nightmare, I don't know how many times I've thought about quitting myself."
"You're in the pizza delivery business too?"
"No, I'm a gynecologist..."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Did you hear who stopped smoking this morning?
Chris Dorner...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5206
Loc: uphill
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DAMN........
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff... trying to get the nerve to jump off.
A passing tramp stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself, if you don't mind, could we have sex please?"
The woman says, "No, fork off."
The tramp turns to leave and replies, "Fine, I'll just go and wait at the bottom !"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man walked into a crowded local bar, waved his 6-shot revolver around, and yelled, "Who in here has been screwing my wife?"
A voice from the back of the bar yelled out, "You're gonna need more ammo!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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(Video) Drink coffee
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a “Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit”… a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Mario asks, "So, what do I do with these things, doc?
The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.
If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!', ...you hit her with the shovel.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Idi Amin was arrested in Guyana where it was discovered that he had just killed 900 people. When police asked him what he was doing in the country he said... "I was just trying to keep up with the Jones...."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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GUN CONTROL
It has already started at Cabela's Sporting Goods when I shopped there yesterday.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of some 7.65 mm bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amuck, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions a little clearer.
I still don't think I looked that bad.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5206
Loc: uphill
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Dude.....that's wrong on so many levels
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I was waiting for someone to say,"I knew that."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start eyeing each other and both realize they want to do the same thing. He slips a condom out of his pocket and she looks delighted.
Rear toilet? He suggests. Five minutes, she agrees and goes off. He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. Right get that condom on, she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.
But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what they are up to. So she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system.
"To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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AUSTRALIAN HELP LINE
Operator: "G'day mate. Helpline here. What's the problem?"
Caller: "I'm in the Outback with the girlfriend and she's been stung on her thigh by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up."
Operator: "Bummer!"
Caller: "Great advice! Thanks mate - 'bye."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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cook
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 1750
Loc: in my underwear
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
Reminds me of the 2 hobos along the tracks,waiting on the next train.
Hobo 1 was bragging about the great sex he had last night,banging her front and rear for hours.When asked if he got a BJ also,he said no...he couldn't find her head.
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Mahatma Gandhi, of course, was very spiritual and he gave up most physical possessions and generally went around barefoot. This caused his feet to become heavily callused.
He didn't eat much so he was quite thin and fragile - and what food he did eat often consisted of oddly-spiced native dishes, so he always had bad breath.
All this of course made him a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5206
Loc: uphill
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Quote:
Ozark said:
Mahatma Gandhi, of course, was very spiritual and he gave up most physical possessions and generally went around barefoot. This caused his feet to become heavily callused.
He didn't eat much so he was quite thin and fragile - and what food he did eat often consisted of oddly-spiced native dishes, so he always had bad breath.
All this of course made him a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
 
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Bad breath is no laughing matter....
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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duko™
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3442
Loc: east mo
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Quote:
Ozark said:
Mahatma Gandhi, of course, was very spiritual and he gave up most physical possessions and generally went around barefoot. This caused his feet to become heavily callused.
He didn't eat much so he was quite thin and fragile - and what food he did eat often consisted of oddly-spiced native dishes, so he always had bad breath.
All this of course made him a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I'm not sure why something so stupid is so damn funny!
whoever thought of that is probably on medication...
duko
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foots
the exterminator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5241
Loc: by my spiritual advisor, Wu
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Quote:
duko™ said:
Quote:
Ozark said:
Mahatma Gandhi, of course, was very spiritual and he gave up most physical possessions and generally went around barefoot. This caused his feet to become heavily callused.
He didn't eat much so he was quite thin and fragile - and what food he did eat often consisted of oddly-spiced native dishes, so he always had bad breath.
All this of course made him a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I'm not sure why something so stupid is so damn funny!
whoever thought of that is probably on medication...
duko
Or needs to be.
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I was born kicking, screaming, and covered in someone elses blood. I have no problem goin out the same way.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and I noticed a Muslim, sneaking through my next door neighbor's garden.
Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.
He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it.
Astonished I got back into bed.
Carol, my lovely wife said, "Baboon you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen," I said, "that son of a biatch next door still has my shovel."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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At the special Olympics are there separate parking spaces for normal people?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Texas gas station owner was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon Aggie pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The Aggie guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same Aggie and his buddy Bubba pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the Aggie said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No, it ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
Edited by SwampFox (09/02/15 11:18 AM)
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Russian and a Norwegian wrestler, Ole, were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal.
Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."
Ole nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face... I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."
So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"
"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5206
Loc: uphill
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damn.........didn't see that one coming
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder. Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds. Curious, he begins to climb. Before long, he is in the clouds. He looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in his life. Obese, snaggle-toothed, matted hair... She looks at him, beckons, and says, "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success."
Well, having no intention of doing anything with this woman, the man climbs higher up the ladder. A bit further on, he comes upon a woman slightly less ugly than the woman before. Not attractive, by any means, but not repugnant. "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success", she says.
Again, the man elects to continue his climb. Before long, he comes upon another woman. This one is actually attractive. Not a knock-out, but very pleasing. "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success."
Well, he figures the women keep getting better and better looking as he gets higher and higher. So he decides to continue climbing. A bit farther up is the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen in his life! Miss America beautiful. In a sultry voice she says, "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success."
Well, needless to say he is very tempted. But he just can't imagine what could top this woman, so he decides to climb higher. On the next cloud up is a horrid 500 lb man. You can see the lice in his hair, he stinks, his clothes are ratty...
"Who are you?" our climber asks in horror.
Grinning a toothless grin, the man looks at him and says, "Hi. I'm Cess."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Scared some Jehovah's Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked.
I'm not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
Scared some Jehovah's Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked.
I'm not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
Were you speaking the unknown tongue?
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two storks are sitting in their nest, a father stork and his son. The son is asking his father where his mother went. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."
"Bringing babies?" the son asked.
"That's right," the father replied. "That's our job."
"Wow! I want to do that!" the son replied.
The next night, it's the father's turn to make deliveries.
"Is Dad delivering babies too?" the son asked.
"That's right," the mother answered. "He's bringing new joy to mommies and daddies."
"I want to do that!" the son replied.
The next day, the father and mother discussed it and decided the son could make a delivery. "We're going to let you try," the father said to his son. "This is what you do. The baby will be wrapped in cloth. Hold the cloth in your beak like this. Then you just deliver it to the proper location. Can you do that?"
"I can!" the son replied. They sent him on his way.
Hours passed and the son still had not come back. The parents were getting worried.
He finally came back. "What took you so long?" the mother asked. "Did you make the delivery?"
"Yes," the son replied. "Sorry I took so long. I was just having some fun scaring college students!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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No matter how stupid you feel remember that Little Red Riding Hood couldn't figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn't her grandmother.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I picked up a hitchhiker last night.
He seemed surprised that I would pick up
a stranger and asked,"Thanks, but why would
you pick me up? How do you know I'm not
a serial Killer?"
I told him the chances were astronomically
against the same car holding two serial killers.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
Edited by SwampFox (06/17/18 11:27 AM)
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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God Bless our Troops!
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67Firebird
Former political advocate
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 9167
Loc: Russellville, Mo
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Supposedly true...
Recently, a female Sheriff's Deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin at the edge of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop.
'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around,' he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, y'know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him. 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.'
Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ... 'I said excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?’
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? **** ... Is it midnight already?'”
The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10.00 and sent on his way.
The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best comeback line ever."
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wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5206
Loc: uphill
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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It Snowed Last Night.
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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fish
senior member - literally
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 2464
Loc: Kingdom of Callaway
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
'Your house!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man sat in the Dr's office and said, "OK Doc, give it to me straight!"
The Dr said "You have rabies and you only have about three weeks to live."
The man sat quietly a moment, then asked the nurse for a pen and paper.
He started writing and the Dr asked if he was writing out his will.
"No", said the man, "I'm making a list of who I'm going to bite!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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There once was a fellow named Dave
who dug up a dead hookers grave.
She started to smell
and was rotten as hell
but think of the money he saved.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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My cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $300.00 to help her pay her rent.
Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.
She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday.
I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the $300.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin and told her to come and get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from the Franklin County jail. It was my cousin crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response...so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Brit, a Frenchman, and an American were sailing and crashed into an island full of cannibals.
The cannibals catch all 3 and tell them they will kill them all, tan their skins, and use their hides to make leather canoes.
To be courteous, the cannibals give all 3 men the choice of how they want to die, and will allow the men to commit suicide.
The Brit goes first and asks for a revolver. He’s provided one, yells out “God save the Queen!” and shoots himself in the head.
The Frenchman goes next and asks for a French Sabre. He yells “Viva Le France!” as he runs himself through and falls dead.
The American, in stoic resolve says, “Just bring me a fork.” The cannibals look at him curiously, but he is given a fork. The American immediately begins stabbing himself furiously with the fork, repeatedly jabbing himself all over. At this point he’s bleeding from hundreds of wounds, but he’s not dying. Even the cannibals are horrified watching how he is mutilating himself: Finally, the cannibal chief stops him and says, wait, wait, wait - what are you doing? The American just sneers at him, “So much for your canoe!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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67Firebird
Former political advocate
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 9167
Loc: Russellville, Mo
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Today is Beltane.
Because of Covid-19 there
will be no dancing around
any ones pole.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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It was 10 years ago today that my friend came running out crying,"It's a boy. It's boy."
We never went back to Thailand.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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