SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Vietnam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment." and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes, 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls... no point in your coming in for that."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The old pirate walked into the low-ceilinged, smoke-filled tavern and looked about carefully. Way in the back he spotted a familiar face. That be you, Jamie?
Aye. Who's askin'? That you, Tim? Where've you been, and what happened to your pin there, he asked, pointing to Tim's wooden leg.
Lost 'er in the Caribean, trying to board a merchantman. The two ships come together as me leg was just over the bullworks. Nipped it off clean. And what happened to your flipper? Lucky it was the left one. That's a mighty finely crafted hook, best I've seen. And yer missin' a headlight. How did that happen?
Oh, I was with Nelson and a Spaniard sliced off me wing. Got even with him, though. Cut his head in half down the middle. As for me eyeball, 'twer seagull chit.
Seagull chit? How could seagull chit put out yer eye?
Oh, 'twas the day after I got me new hook.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Bob can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.
Bob asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take some muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.
Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.
The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bob the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".
Bob takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Bob starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.
No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants.
His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says, Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
The first guy says, "I can remember the first day of my first grade class."
Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at nersery school."
Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "That's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my dad, and coming home with my mom."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 57-year-old.
We drank a bit, and a had a bit of a make-out session and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
"What's that?" I asked.
"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.
I said, "No."
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place. She turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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STTH
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 423
Loc: Turd Crick
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It was entertainment night at the Senior Center . Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations"
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while
quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
"SH!T!!!" said the Hypnotist............
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A blind man walks into a little restaurant and sits down.
The owner, walks up to him and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a fork used by a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah,yes, that's what I'll have--meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen and tells his wife Gladys, the cook, what just happened.
The blind man eats and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry! I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife Gladys that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Gladys, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Gladys complies and hands her husband the fork.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I have your fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose,sniffs, and says,
"Hey, I didn't know Gladys worked here!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch; and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less; and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh told him to f*** off.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man was in the waiting room at the hospital, pacing the floor. His wife was inside having their first child. After a while the doctor came out to talk to the nervous father.
"Well, your baby is here. It's a boy. And guess what? He can fly!" The doctor let go of the baby and it hit the floor with a SMACK. The father was irrate. The doctor calmed him down
"Don't worry, I'm a doctor. I know what I'm doing. Your baby really can fly. Watch." Again, the doctor picked up the baby, and this time tossed it across the room. Again, the baby hit the floor with a hard SMACK. The father was just about ready to kill the doctor.
"You idiot! You're going to kill my baby!"
"Don't worry. He just needs to be scared a little." So the doctor took the baby and held it out the third story window. The doctor let go of the baby and it hit the sidewalk below with a sickening SPLAT. The father was beside himself with anger.
"You son-of-a-biatch! I'm gonna kill you!"
"Hey, don't worry! I'm just joking with you. Your baby was stillborn."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian Chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in the head-dresses.
"Feathers show number of sexual partners" the cheif replied.
Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather" "Him?", pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."
The reporter looked at the Cheif's head-dress. "But you have so MANY feathers !!!!!"
The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with ALL women. Big, small, fat, tall."
Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung !!"
The Chief said, "Damn RIGHT ! Me hung big, like buffalo, long like snake."
The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"
To which the Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, ANY-style."
The shocked reporter cried, "OH, DEAR!!!"
"No deer" said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Bawaaahahahahahahahaha!!!! 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence" the farmer says "This is a special day for me . I am celebrating"
"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence!" says the farmer. As they clinked glasses the man asked "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!"
"What a coincidence "says the man."I'm a chicken farmer and for years, all of my hens were infertile but today they are all laying fertlised eggs "
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock," he replied.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence!".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar.
He Walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her.
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
And what happened then? Asked Jeff.
"I kicked her in the face."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man boarded an airplane in St John's with a box of frozen crabs. The stewardess took it and promised to put it in the refrigerator.
Shortly before landing, she retrieved the crabs, but could not remember which passenger the box belonged to. So she got on the PA system and asked, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in St John's please raise your hand?
Not one hand went up.
She took the crabs home.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A couple came home drunk one night and the lady could not make the stairs so she takes off here clothes and passes out on the couch while her husband goes to bed.
A while later he hears a scream. He comes down and asks her what the hell is the matter.
She said "A mouse had crawled up my snatch."
They call the doctor and the doc said "I will be right over but until I get there tie a piece of cheese on a string and stand behind here ahd dangle the string in front of her vagina the mouse will see that and come out."
A while later the Doc rings the door bell and the guy hollers come on in.
The doc comes in and sees the guy with a string and a piece of fish.
The doc says "What the hell are you doing I said cheese."
The guy replyed "Yea doc and it was working too. Then the mouse stuck his head out and the damn cat seen him. Now its a whole new ball game."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Ole & Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands.
"Vhere dit yew git dat monster??" "Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from me Genie."
"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.
"Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box," says Ole.
"Could I see him?"
So Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your Master, vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes, I will," says the genie.
So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens & is filled with the sound of a million ducks...flying overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole. "Yumpin' Yimminy I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic ?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my? life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy calls a company and orders their 5 day 10lb weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The Sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought he takes off after her. After a few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
The same girl shows up for the next 4 days and the same thing happens.
On the 5th day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb, as promised.
He calls the company and orders the 5 day 20lb program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign round her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."
Well he's out the door like a shot!
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next 4 days the same thing happens.
Much to his delight, on the 5th day he weighs himself again only to discover he has lost another 20lb. As promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7day 50lb program.
"Are you sure?" asks the rep on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies," I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft black man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign that reads: " I'm Nigel. If I catch you, you're mine..."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Billy Bob and his wife were at the hospital waiting to have a baby. Billy Bob was pacing back and forth when the doctor came out and said, well son you got a big ole boy. But barely before he could get the sentence finished a nurse came rushing out to get the doctor back.
Billy Bob not knowing what was wrong went back to pacing again, when the doctor came back out a few minutes later and said, well son you also got yourself a big ole girl too. But before the doctor could finish that sentence the nurse came bursting back out again.
Billy Bob was in a panic and went back to pacing not knowing what was happening, when in a few more minutes the doctor came back out and said Billy Bob you got yourself another son, not quite as big but all 3 are healthy babies."Doc" Billy Bob said you sure she's through???? The doctor said yes I made sure this time, you got 3 babies all at one time and she through now.
A couple of hours later Billy Bob was admiring all 3 of his babies with his wife Bobby Sue. He looked down at all them and his exhausted wife. He said Bobby Sue, you remember the night we had all that sex and was out of any kind of lubricant to slick things up with???? Bobby Sue said yeah hun why?? Well you remembered all we had left in the house was that 3 in 1 oil to use to lubricant with??? Bobby Sue said yeah I remember. Billy Bob said damm I'm glad we didn't use that WD40 like I started too.......................
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him "I have some very bad news for you ...I'm afraid that you're afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease."
So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING I can do, doc?"
"Hmmm.... maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths." The doctor tells the patient.
"Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?"
"Probably not.... But at least you'll get used to being covered in dirt!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: Bullet Proof Your Baby
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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They can't be for real. 
Times are achangin'... 
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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It was tempting to put this under product revues.
One of the papers in Sweden was all over this for a couple of days. Then they figured out that it was a spoof. 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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