SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it, and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?'
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. '
Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy comes to work on Monday with a black eye. His boss asks him what happened.
"Yesterday, I was sitting behind this big woman at church, and we all stood up to sing, and the skirt of her dress was stuck in her crack. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and glared at me real mean like."
So the boss asked, "Alright, so how did you get the black eye?"
The guy says, "I figured she looked at me like that because she didn't want me pulling the dress out, so I stuck it back in."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a religious scholar," he replies.
"A religious scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Jewish businessman in Chicago decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop,I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I
converted to Christianity."
"Oy, vey,"said the father. "Vot haf I dun?"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do.
Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he
also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask
him what we should do." So they went to see the rabbi.
The rabbi said,"Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He
also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people?
Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons
and asked God what to do.
Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven.
The Voice said,"Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel. . . . .
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?
The woman in church has hope in her soul.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Sam the Texan in heaven, St. Peter gave him the deluxe tour.
Behind the first door was a beautiful tropical beach. Sam poked his head in to look, but quickly announced that Galveston had nicer beaches.
Behind the second door was the most mind-boggling amusement park ever imagined, but Sam said he was sure Dallas had more impressive parks.
After a dozen more such responses, an annoyed St. Peter pulled him to the edge of a nearby cliff overlooking Hell and shouted, "You see that enormous lake of fire and brimstone? Have you anything like that in Texas?"
"Well, no," Sam replied sheepishly, "but I do know a guy in Houston who can put it out for you."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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My preacher said that Americans really are religious - you can tell they trust in God by the way they drive.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks Called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency Open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard Loaded with several forms, and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to Pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the Irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Pope, wearing a fabulous vintage chiffon-lined Dior gold lame gown over a silk Vera Wang empire waist tulle cork dress, accessorized with a three-foot House of Whoville hat and the ruby slippers Judy Garland wore in the Wizard of Oz, on his way to tell us it's wrong to be Gay.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Happy Easter...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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duko™
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3442
Loc: east mo
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A guy gets a
call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had
also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes
and the guy says, "I can't believe they forked my wife after only five
beers!"
______________________________________________
Got this text
from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The
ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. ....
It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"
______________________________________________
I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She
said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really
should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.
_____________________________________________
Sorry for not
calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching
the fork out of this idiot at a party.
In my defense…when you hear an Arab
counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
____________________________________________________
My wife just came in and said,
"I don't know if I am coming or going.
"I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going - 'cus
when you're coming, you look like a forking Down Syndrome kid trying to
whistle!"
____________________________________________________
I saw a
fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some
money.Last night I forked a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?
_____________________________________________________
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?" .... Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.
_______________________________________________________________
Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, "fork that - knowing my luck, I'd win one!"
____________________________________________________
What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET? ET looked
better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits, had his own
forking bike, and wanted to go home.
duko
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Those are great Duko! I'm guessing that you were too drunk a 3 am to find the "Women, go figure" thread.  
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two nuns in Rome were bicycling. The older nun said they should take a short cut down the cobbled alley.
They younger nun announced, "I have never come this way before."
The older nun replied, "It's the cobbles!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Three nuns were trying to get through heaven's gate when they were met by St Peter who said, "Each of you have to answer one questions correctly before getting to heaven."
St. Peter asked the first nun. "Who was the first man on earth?" She smiled and replied, "Adam."
Bells rang and the gates opened.
St. Peter asked the second nun, "Who was the first woman on earth?"
She smiled and said "Eve."
Bells rang and the gates opened.
St. Peter asked the third nun, "What was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?"
The nun raised her eyes and said, "My GOD that's a hard one."
Bells rang and the gates opened.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Muslim dies and by some error in handling, ends up in heaven.
He`s stopped at the Pearly Gates by St.Peter who says: 'Sorry, but we don`t accept Muslims into Heaven.'
'What?', replies the Muslim, 'and why not?'.
'Well, we just don`t.'
The Muslim complains and carries on until St. Peter gets fed up.
'Well', says St. Peter, 'have you ever done anything good in your life?'
'Ummm..', the Muslim replies, 'Yes, the other day a lady stopped me on the street collecting for a children`s charity so I gave her ten dollars. Last week I donated ten dollars to the Cancer Society and a couple of weeks ago a tramp asked me if I could spare any money so I gave him ten dollars also.'
'Alrighty then', says St. Peter, 'wait here and I'll have a quick word with God.'
Five minutes later St. Peter returns to the Muslim.
'Listen, I`ve spoken with God and he agrees with me, here`s your 30 dollars back ...... now fork off!'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The pope was very ill, and nobody could cure him. The cardinals called in
an old physician recommended to them. After an hour long examination,
he comes up with a solution.
"I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news: The pope has
a rare testicular disorder. The good news: He can be cured.....with
sex."
The cardinals, not happy with the cure, explain the situation to the pope.
"I'll agree to it," says the pope." But under four conditions."
The cardinals were shocked." What are the four conditions?" asks one.
"First, the girl must be blind, so she cannot see with whom she is having sex.
Second, she must be deaf, so she cannot hear with whom she is having sex.
And third, she must be dumb, so if she somehow figures out with whom
she is having sex, she can tell no one."
After a long pause, a cardinal asks, "And the fourth condition:"
"She must have big tits."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.
Dressed in their white gowns, they entered the chapel for their symbolic marriage to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."
Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews came in and sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said, "I am so honored you want to share this experience with us. May I ask why you came?"
"We're from the groom's family."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An Irish Miracle
Ed Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes. He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy "Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a miracle . But wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round to interview you, take photos, etc."
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared.
There is great excitement in the town as Everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe.
Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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duko™
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3442
Loc: east mo
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After reading Tim's thread about living his old high school days, it reminds me of a joke I heard the other day.
Do you know what the good thing is about child molesters?
You don't have to worry about them speeding through school zones.
 
Bring on the hate! 
duko
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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That's just wrong...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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We hear that the hackers "Anonymous" are waging war on ISIS and Al-Qaeda...
Isn't it ironic that 72 virgins will be attacking the terrorists!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An old nun living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the worker's coarse language and decided to spend some time with them—to correct their ways. She then decided to take her lunch and sit with them. Putting her sandwich in a brown bag, she walked to the spot where the men were eating. Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:
"And do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down. "Why?"
The worker yelled back,
"Cause his mom's here with his lunch."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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