Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Bwaahahahahahahahahaha!!!
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The telephone rings, and the wife answers.
A pervert with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight ass, with no hair."
Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - whom shall I say is calling?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me..............
My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.
It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me.
I gave her a loving smile and said,
"Get that trolley over here love. They're doing 3 cartons of Beer, for the price of 2."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband -
"Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...
"Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...
"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Bill was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.
The doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals.
Then after a thorough examination the doctor said he wanted to check with Bill’s wife.
He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed. He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough. Finally he said, "OK, good. You can get dressed now, and I will go talk to your husband".
The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, "Well Bill, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get and erection either.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote,
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son.
Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read,
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I don't need Google. My girlfriend knows everything.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5207
Loc: uphill
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
I don't need Google. My girlfriend knows everything.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man gets,"I love you." tattooed on his penis. When he shows it to his wife she says,"There you go, trying to put words in my mouth again,"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The other day my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick.
I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn’t talking to me.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5207
Loc: uphill
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
The other day my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick.
I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn’t talking to me.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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My wire yell down to me,"Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's stabling your voodoo doll?
Concerned I replied,"No honey."
She yelled back,"How about now?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
Edited by SwampFox (04/06/20 11:36 AM)
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I told my wife I was thankful I had
someone I liked to be quarantined with.
She said,"Must be nice."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You only have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world.
We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You only have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey i have been asked to go fishingat a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. " This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion i've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and i will swing by the house to pick my things up. OH! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas. The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes homea little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "yes! Lot's of Walleye, some bluegill, and a few pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like i asked you to do? The wife replies " I did, they were in your tackle box!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A lady , annoyed because her husband was late coming home again, from golf decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me."
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
"She's finally gone. Yeah I know, it is about time. I'm coming to see you. Put on that sexy French nightie. I love you. Can't wait to see you. We'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote....
"I can see your feet.
We're out of bread; be back in five minutes.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.
One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"What the hell is testiculating?" the man asks.
Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!"
The man considers this for a moment."Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?"
"Yes," his wife answers. "Why?"
The man nods. "I thought so. You're ovaryacting."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Tampondering is a good way to think about it.
Not sure what you mean. Could you give me an example the demenstruates your point a little better?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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