CafeOutdoors.com The way it was...the way it always will be!!!

Miscellaneous Stuff >> Swampfox's Joke Section

Pages: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | >> (show all)
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Just For Mel
      #14757 - 01/15/06 06:04 PM

Quasimodo's Replacement

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided to conduct the interviews personally and went up to the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants he decided to call it a day when an armless man approached him and said he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man. "Observe!"

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

"Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to audition him, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief of this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is the man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name,"sighed the distraught bishop, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Mel
member
**

Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO

Re: Just For Mel [Re: SwampFox]
      #14836 - 01/15/06 09:59 PM

Bwaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! You should have made the guy an "Old" bell ringer.

--------------------
Member DU, Delta

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Just For Mel [Re: Mel]
      #15695 - 01/18/06 04:47 AM

After the tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what Y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Tennessee we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Mel
member
**

Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO

Re: Just For Mel [Re: SwampFox]
      #15999 - 01/18/06 05:17 PM

Just imaging if he had been wanting "ass" tea.

--------------------
Member DU, Delta

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Just For Mel [Re: Mel]
      #16024 - 01/18/06 05:49 PM

Q: What do you get when you cross-breed an elephant with a rhino?

A: Elephino.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Just For Mel [Re: SwampFox]
      #16025 - 01/18/06 05:49 PM

A cowboy is captured by Indians. Ordinarily they would have lifted his scalp right then and there. However it is the occasion of a great tribal celebration so the Chief tells the cowboy he can have three wishes.

The cowboy says: " I wanna talk to my horse". His horse is led over and the cowboy whispers in his ear. The horse dashes away in a full gallop. he returns after several hours with a gorgeous naked woman on his back.

The Indian chief is impressed and gives the cowboy a teepee for the night.

Next morning, the cowboy comes out, tucking in his shirt. The Chief asks what his second wish is. The cowboy says: " I wanna talk to my horse". The horse is led over. The cowboy whispers in the horse's ear. the horse gallops away and comes back in a few hours with an even more gorgeous naked woman on his back.

To the astonishment of the Indians, the cowboy shouts at the horse in anger. He curses the horse in a steady stream of curses.

Finally the cowboy cools off a bit. He seizes the horse's ear and shouts: " Now LISTEN, you dumb nag! I said POSSE,POSSE!"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Just For Mel [Re: SwampFox]
      #16953 - 01/21/06 04:43 PM

Two dour Scots are in a boat fishing. Suddenly Angus's rod bends double and he begins an epoch stuggle to land his catch.

After ten minutes he reels in a beutiful mermaid. He gently lifts her into the boat and gazes down in wonder at this lovely half woman and half fish.

Then he scowls and throws her back in.

"Why?" asks his fishing companion.

"How?" he answers.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Mel
member
**

Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO

Re: Just For Mel [Re: SwampFox]
      #17011 - 01/22/06 12:48 AM

Like the ole indian said, "Me know how............wanna know when".

--------------------
Member DU, Delta

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Just For Mel [Re: Mel]
      #17861 - 01/24/06 11:05 PM

In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with a misdewiener!

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Mel
member
**

Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO

Re: Just For Mel [Re: SwampFox]
      #18101 - 01/26/06 02:51 AM

Ugh! Boo! Hiss!

--------------------
Member DU, Delta

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Just For Mel [Re: Mel]
      #20032 - 02/01/06 12:16 AM

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Mel
member
**

Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO

Re: Just For Mel [Re: SwampFox]
      #20342 - 02/01/06 07:21 PM

Maybe, a bridge truss would help.

--------------------
Member DU, Delta

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Just For Mel [Re: Mel]
      #20489 - 02/02/06 05:10 AM

A fish goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.
Patti looks at the fish in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The fish says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the fish says that his name is Rainbow Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The fish says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain fly rod and reel, about an inch long; detailed and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a fish named Rainbow Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny rod & reel. "I mean, what the heck is this??"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack. Give the fish a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Just For Mel [Re: SwampFox]
      #20493 - 02/02/06 05:18 AM

What Not To Name Your Dog
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Spot" I made the mistake of calling mine "Sex".

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too!" Then I said, "But this is for a dog." He said, "I don't care what she looks like." Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said, "You must have been quite a kid."

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. Not wanting the dog to bother us, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a dog show, before the competition began, Another contestant asked me what I was doing. I told him that I planned to have Sex in the show. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. When I asked if the show was televised he called me a pervert.

I left my dog at the Veterinarian. When I went to pick him up I said, "I've come for my dog." She said, "Which one, Spot or Rover?" I said, "What about Sex?" She slapped me. After I straightened out the misunderstanding, I asked if Sex was good for her. She slapped me again.

Sex ran away, I went to the dog pound. As I was looking in all the cages the operator up to me. I said I'm looking for Sex. He said I was looking in all the wrong places.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." He said, "What's your point, so did I." I said, "But my wife wants to take Sex away." He said, "That's what happens in a divorce."

Last night Sex ran off. I spent hours looking for him all over town. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said I was looking for Sex.

My case comes up Friday.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Just For Mel [Re: SwampFox]
      #20495 - 02/02/06 05:24 AM

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of bullets at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Mel
member
**

Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO

Re: Just For Mel [Re: SwampFox]
      #20788 - 02/02/06 07:23 PM

Some of these are really a stretch.

--------------------
Member DU, Delta

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Just For Mel [Re: Mel]
      #21262 - 02/04/06 03:42 PM

The owner of a male parrot discovers that the reason the bird is slowly losing interest in life is because he needs a female parrot.

The owner brings the male parrot to a pet shop and points out a $25 female parrot. The male parrot yawns. Next the parrot is shown a $50 female parrot. The male parrot acts bored.

Finally, the owner decides to splurge and so the male parrot is shown a $200 female parrot. The male parrot brightens up and the owner buys the female parrot.

Bringing the two birds home in his car the owner glances in his rear view mirror - and sees the male parrot pulling off the female's feathers.

He slams on the brakes and turns around and hollers: " What are you doing?"

The male parrot says: " For two hundred bucks, I want her naked!"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Just For Mel [Re: SwampFox]
      #21265 - 02/04/06 03:47 PM

An attractive blonde (is there any other kind?) takes a vacation cruise aboard a passenger feighter. There isn't all that much to do aboard ship so she walks a lot.

Every time she passes the Captain's cabin, a parrot peers out at her and squawks: " How's yer ass? How's yer ass?"

This is annoying to the blonde, particularly when it goes on day after day.

One day the ship hits a reef and the blonde and the parrot find themselves sharing a piece of floating wreckage.

The parrot says: " How's yer ass?"

The blonde in disgust, snaps: "Shut up!"

The parrot says: " Me too - Must be the salt water"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Just For Mel [Re: SwampFox]
      #21267 - 02/04/06 03:55 PM

Did you hear about the blonde who thought Jesus was a giant teddy bear called Gladly who had something wrong with his eyes, because everytime she went to church they would sing "Gladly the cross I'd bear"!!!

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Mel
member
**

Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO

Re: Just For Mel [Re: SwampFox]
      #21366 - 02/05/06 02:12 AM

What did I EVER do to justify bearing these atrocious slings and arrows?

--------------------
Member DU, Delta

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Just For Mel [Re: Mel]
      #21368 - 02/05/06 03:11 AM

You were at the wrong place at the wrong time.



--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Just For Mel [Re: SwampFox]
      #21435 - 02/05/06 06:35 PM

These three Legionnaires are walking through the desert under a baking sun. They're fully equipped with enough water for days and food aplenty.
On the shimmering horizon, mirages come and go and come again. They see visions of swimming pools attended by dusky maidens and stalls full of ice creams and sorbets of every conceivable flavour. But the Legionnaires do not crack. Instead they keep marching solidly on.
Suddenly one of them freezes. "Psssst," he says. His companions halt and strain their eyes to where the first Legionnaire is pointing.
"Le voila," he says, "Regardez, mes amis, isn't zat a bacon tree on ze 'orizon?"
And sure enough, there it is, proud and defiant in the middle of the desert, a true bacon tree. Slowly they creep forward towards the far off mystery object. Inch by inch, centimetre by centimetre, until they are within a stone's throw of the bacon tree. Ever nearer they creep, until suddenly a shot rings out, dropping one of the Legionnaires in his tracks. The other Legionnaires hit the ground as bullets thud into the sand around them.
The other two return fire and give first aid to their wounded companion. Even as they bandage him and pour water over his face they can hear his faint voice. "Zat was no bacon tree," he gasps, "Zat was an 'am bush."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Just For Mel [Re: SwampFox]
      #21440 - 02/05/06 06:43 PM

Did you hear that Rene Descartes disappeared?

It seems he strolled into a bar and the bartender asked, "Hey, Descartes, do you want a marguerita?"

To which he replied, "I think not."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Mel
member
**

Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO

Re: Just For Mel [Re: SwampFox]
      #21492 - 02/06/06 12:23 AM

You sure that wasn't Rodin, and not Rene? Though Rene was a cartographer. Funny, anyway.

--------------------
Member DU, Delta

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SwampFoxModerator
member
***

Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo

Re: Just For Mel [Re: Mel]
      #21765 - 02/06/06 10:19 PM

I couldn't find anything on Rodin Descartes.

//////////////////////////////////
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.

Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.

Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still not good.

Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.

So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." No way.

"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope.

"Nuts and Butts?" Uh-uh.

"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends." The town council loved it, and finally everybody was happy.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Pages: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | >> (show all)



Extra information
0 registered and 1228 anonymous users are browsing this forum.

Moderator:  SwampFox, JimDog 

Print Topic

Forum Permissions
      You cannot start new topics
      You cannot reply to topics
      HTML is disabled
      UBBCode is enabled

Rating:
Topic views: 300534

Rate this topic

Jump to

Contact Us Return to Main Page

*
UBB.threads™ 6.5