PePaw
member
Reged: 12/27/05
Posts: 24
Loc: 10 miles East of Paradise
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A guy calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies, "I?m sorry, but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."
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"Never apologize and never explain, it's a sign of weakness."
--- John Wayne
Edited by SwampFox (07/11/06 09:53 PM)
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PePaw
member
Reged: 12/27/05
Posts: 24
Loc: 10 miles East of Paradise
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A couple is on their honeymoon and the new bride tells her husband to be gentle because she is a virgin. Shocked, the groom says, ?but you?ve been married three times before.?
?Yeah,? she says, ?but my first husband was a psychologist and only wanted to talk about it, my second husband was a gynecologist and only wanted to look at it, and my third husband was a stamp collector and only wanted to?God, I miss him.?
After a moment of silence, she then turns to her newest husband and says, ?And since you?re an attorney I know I?m going to get scr****d.?
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"Never apologize and never explain, it's a sign of weakness."
--- John Wayne
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Much like hell, we'll reserve a special place for lawyer jokes. 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8066
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
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How are lawyers and sperm alike?
1 out of 100,000 might turn out to be a human being.
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Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
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USMC Ret
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 281
Loc: NW Ark
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How many lawyer jokes are there???
One, all the rest are true!!!!!!!!!!
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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I like IIFID's. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8066
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks.This bookkeeper is deaf, and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
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Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
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Original_Al
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 786
Loc: Most dangerous city in America
Current High Scores in:
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Thats a good'un IIFID 
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I Ain't Gone To Bed With No Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few
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Baitrunner
member
Reged: 01/05/06
Posts: 9
Loc: Connecticut
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"What do you call a hundred lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?"
A good start!
"What is the difference between a tragedy and a shame?"
A tragedy is a Boeing 747 full of lawyers plunging into a mountain. A shame is 3 empty seats!
"What is the difference between a carp and a lawyer?"
One is a scum eating bottom dweller. The other is a fish.
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USMC Ret
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 281
Loc: NW Ark
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A guy is sitting in a bar when in walks this beautiful woman, who is absoltely drop dead gorgeous, nice firm body and curves in all the right places...
The man smiles as she walks up to the bar and orders a drink.
The woman looks at him and says
"I'll screw any body............man or woman........inside or outside............night or day...."
The guy replies "Really..how long have you been a lawyer"
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Valentine cards
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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PePaw
member
Reged: 12/27/05
Posts: 24
Loc: 10 miles East of Paradise
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A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is. All he says is, ?All lawyers are @ssholes.?
A man sitting in the corner shouts, ?I take offense to that!?
The pissed-off guy asks him, ?Why? Are you a lawyer??
He replies, ?No, I'm an @sshole.?
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"Never apologize and never explain, it's a sign of weakness."
--- John Wayne
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The old boy was driving in toward town when he ran over a lawyer.
He stops, gets a shovel out of the old truck and buries him beside the road.
When he get to town he drops by the sheriffs office and tells him what happened.
The sheriff asks, "Well, are ya sure he's dead?"
The old boy replys, "He claimed he warn't, but you know how them thare lawyers lie."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Truer words were never spoken. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Dakota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in California and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this with the North Dakota Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What's that?"
The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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It's like the old joke of what would you have had if the Titanic had been full of only lawyers?
A good start.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two lawyers were stranded on an island. The only thing on the island was a coconut tree. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top for coconuts and to see if he could spot a rescue boat.
One day the lawyer called out from the tree, "I can't believe my eyes! There's a woman out there on a raft floating in our direction!"
The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind." But within a few minutes up to the beach floated a stunning blonde, unconscious, without so much as a ring on her person. The two lawyers dragged her up on the beach and discovered she was alive and breathing.
One lawyer said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for a long time now without a woman. It's been such a long time, so, do you think, we should, well, you know, screw her?"
"Out of WHAT?" asked the other lawyer.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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These are are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
__________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I. Doris?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_____________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
A: He's twenty
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
____________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An engineer died and went to hell.... when he arrived, he looked round and went straight to work...... within a few days he had the entire place running like clockwork..... there were escalators, lifts, air conditioning and a whole bunch of other luxuries and they all worked perfectly........ God eventually got to hear about this and he called the Devil on the phone and said, "hey, how did you get an engineer down there. All engineers are supposed to come straight to me.- I demand you send him back!'
The Devil laughed, and replied "you've gotta be joking - we've never had it so good and we're keeping him whether you like it or not!"
God was infuriated..... and shouted "listen you bastard, I want my engineer back and if you don't send him up here right now, I'm gonna get me a lawyer and sue you"
The Devil laughed and said "don't be stupid, where are YOU gonna find a lawyer!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I was curious as to whether or not Dick Cheney violated the law when he shot his attorney friend. After reviewing the rules and regulations, it turns out that there was no violation of the law, as you can see from the rules below:
____________________________________________________________
Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys PC 370.00
370.01 Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.
370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.
370.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.
370.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.
370.05 It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.
370.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.
370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.
370.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.
370.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
370.10 Bag and Possession Limits per day:
Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2
Two-faced tortfeasors, 1
Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3
Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2
Minutiae-advocating dirtbags, 4
Honest attorneys protected (Endangered Species Act).
ARS 8007.21 It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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For three straight years, a young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at the same country inn, several times per year. During his last visit he'd finally managed to seduce the innkeeper's gorgeous daughter, so he could wait to go there again.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about us and that I was pregnant, we sat up all night talking and talking and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A lawyer boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.
The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the lawyer and his seat mate.
"Hey, biatch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"
The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:
"gawdamit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"
Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink. Impressed with the parrot's technique, the lawyer decides to get some quick service for himself.
"Hey, slut," says the lawyer, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the lawyer and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the lawyer, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled! But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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I like it!! I like it!! Tells it like it is!!!
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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