How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psychopath.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroid's.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.

Why are there so many Johnson's in the phone book?
They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with .. the other is used to carry groceries.

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck.
The bartender says, "All right, I'll let ya stay---but don't start nuthin."

Charlie Manson is sitting before the parole board. He says, "Is it hot in here or am I crazy?"

Did you hear about the Amish woman who wanted a divorce?
Her husband was driving her buggy.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter. He won't come anyway.

What's the different between a Jehovah's Witness and a Yugo?
You can slam the door on a Jehovah's Witness.