SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A C-130 was lumbering along when a cork F- 16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly Went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb.
He then finished With a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot Asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun.'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Why does the navy use powdered soap?
Because it takes longer to pick up in the shower.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Kit
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 2188
Loc: Columbia, MO
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Quote:
griffin said:
Quote:
SwampFox said:
25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
griffin
That is hilarious!
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"If you're the only one who shits in something, you own it. Remember that."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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When the Lord was creating Vietnam veterans, He was into His 6th day of overtime when an angel appeared.
"You're certainly doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."
And God said, "Have you seen the specs on this order? A Nam vet has to be able to run 5 miles through the bush with a full pack on, endure with barely any sleep for days, enter tunnels his higher ups wouldn't consider doing, and keep his weapons clean and operable.
He has to be able to sit in his hole all night during an attack, hold his buddies as they die, walk point in unfamiliar territory known to be VC infested, and somehow keep his senses alert for danger.
He has to be in top physical condition existing on c-rats, very little rest and he has to have 6 pairs of hands."
The angel shook his head slowly and said, "6 pair of hands....no way."
The Lord say's "It's not the hands that are causing me problems.... It's the 3 pair of eyes a Nam vet has to have."
"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.
The Lord nodded. "One pair that sees through elephant grass, another pair here in the side of his head for his buddies, another pair here in front that can look reassuringly at his bleeding, fellow soldier and say, "You'll make it".......when he knows he won't.
"Lord, rest, and work on this tomorrow."
"I can't," said the Lord. "I already have a model that can carry a wounded soldier 1,000 yards during a firefight, calm the fears of the latest FNG, and feed a family of 4 on a grunt's paycheck."
The angel walked around the model and said, "Can it think?"
"You bet," said the Lord. "It can quote much of the UCMJ, recite all his general orders, and engage in a search and destroy mission in less time than it takes for his fellow Americans back home to discuss the morality of the War, and still keep his sense of humor."
"This Nam vet also has phenomenal personal control. He can deal with ambushes from hell, comfort a fallen soldier's family, and then read in his hometown paper how Nam vets are baby killers, psychos, addicts, killers of innocent civilians."
The Lord gazed into the future and said, "He will also endure being vilified and spit on when he returns home, rejected and crucified by the very ones he fought for."
Finally, the angel slowly ran his finger across the vet's cheek, and said, "There's a leak...I told you that you were trying to put too much into this model."
"That's not a leak", said the Lord. "That's a tear."
"What's the tear for?" asked the angel.
"It's for bottled up emotions, for holding fallen soldiers as they die, for commitment to that funny piece of cloth called the American flag, for the terror of living with PTSD for decades after the war, alone with it's demons with no one to care or help."
"You're a genius," said the angel, casting a gaze at the tear.
The Lord looked very somber
."I didn't put it there," he said.
Author Unknown to me
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Story of the World War I Christmas Truce
"The Christmas Truce, which occurred primarily between the British and German soldiers along the Western Front in December 1914, is an event the official histories of the "Great War" leave out, and the Orwellian historians hide from the public. Stanley Weintraub has broken through this barrier of silence and written a moving account of this significant event by compiling letters sent home from the front, as well as diaries of the soldiers involved. His book is entitled Silent Night: The Story of the World War I Christmas Truce. The book contains many pictures of the actual events showing the opposing forces mixing and celebrating together that first Christmas of the war. This remarkable story begins to unfold, according to Weintraub, on the morning of December 19, 1914:..."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
the World War I Christmas Truce
Yep, that never happened again after the first Christmas of the war. I had an uncle I knew real well (my dad's older brother). He was gassed in the Meuse-Argonne attack just before the Armistice, and his lungs never were right after that.
I just finished reading "To the Last Man" by Jeff Shaara, and I recommend it as a real good WWI novel.
That was a rotten war - maybe even more so than most of them. American soldiers and Marines did an amazing job, and they soon ended a war that couldn't be won by our "allies". At the politicians' level though, it was all about money and greed in every country that participated. World War I didn't accomplish a thing except to bring the Nazis to power in Germany 15 years after it ended.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Dead Muslims Video
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Chief noticed a new seaman one day... and barked at him, "Get over
here!" "What is your name?" was the first thing the Chief asked the
new guy.
"Paul," the new guy replied.
The Chief scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart,
liberal pansy stuff they're teaching Sailors in bootcamp today, but I
don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that
leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last
name only: Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to
only as Chief. Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye, aye, Chief!"
"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed.... and said, "Darling. My name is Paul Darling,
Chief!"
"Okay.............. Paul,........ here's what I want you to do...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Scout 1
New order Amish - not be confused with Meninite!
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6778
Loc: Where there are no ducks
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I love dat one!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: INFANTRY WEAPONS AND THEIR EFFECT WW2
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces
(Snake Model)
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations or A Diversified Approach to Military Operations:
Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicures.
Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel voucher upon return.
Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5-series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALs kill Muslim extremist snakes.
Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.
Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.
F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses target due to weather.
AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red.
UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake starts bonfire to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into the fire.
B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
CH-47 Pilot: Slingleg breaks in flight while slingloading anti-snake equiptment, pilot cuts slingload. Slingload lands on snake and kills it. Crew cheif uses dead snake to replace broken slingleg.
Navy Pilot: Draped snake around neck at Tail Hook to pick up chicks.
Military Police: Gave snake a sobriety test for not moving in a straight line.
Signal: Broadcasts 200,000+ watt transmissions in support of anti-snake missions, accidentally electrocuted snake in the process.
Corps of Engineers: Surveyed and researched area for plans on improving flood plain, cant do it because snake is on the endangered species list.
Cooks: Snake sneaks in chow hall. Snake dies of food poisoning.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife's expecting."
"Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."
The following week the same soldier was back again with the same
explanation: "My wife's expecting."
The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the weekend off."
When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed.
"Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still expecting."
"What in heaven is she expecting?" cried the Officer.
"Me," said the soldier simply.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said, "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.
The soldier, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible. The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. "That's fine," he said. "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."
"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked. The sergeant grinned.
"You passed the test," he replied, "when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Whats the difference between an Army Female and a Zebra?"
"Zebras don't lay on their backs to get stripes"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Fort Drum Soldier Injured During "Hogging" Contest.
Watertown, NY
PFC Kevin Zdendalik, a soldier assigned to 10th Mountain Division at Fort Drum, was rushed last night to the post hospital after suffering a broken pelvis and dislocated hip during the culminating event of what soldiers call a "Hogging Contest". A Hogging Contest consists of a group of soldiers putting money into a collection and going out for a night of drinking in Watertown, NY. The goal is to see who can find the most obese and/or ugliest woman to take back to the barracks for a night of frivolity. Rules vary, but generally the winner has to have carnal knowledge of the woman. Contestants are judged by NCO who is on Charge of Quarters Duty or a non-participating party. The winner receives his prize money only after he has met the other players' pre-determined rules on what counts as the culmination of play. PFC Zdendalik is expected to recover from his injuries. Due to heavy sedation, he was unavailable for comment. CPL Ryan Johnson, an Infantry Team Leader who participated in the event, described the woman as "Ungodly huge" and added that due to a heavy winter and recent deployments, they had expectations of larger than average women, who also seemed to uncannily know their way around post.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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12 Step program for recovering Marines.
Marines Anonymous
I am a Marine, I have a problem. This is the first step to
recovery...
1. Speech:
-Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not
0530 or 1400 it is 5:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early).
-Words like deck, rack, and "PT" will get you weird looks; floor, bed,
work out, get used to it.
-"fork" cannot be used to replace whatever word you can't think of
right now, try "um".
-Grunting is not talking.
-It's a phone, not a radio; conversations on a phone do not end in
"out".
-People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you
are coming from Camp Lejeune with the MWSS platoon or that you spent a
deployment in the OCAC.
2. Style:
-Do not put creases in your jeans.
-Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
-A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating.
-A high and tight looks really dumb as well.
-So does a low reg, but not as bad.
-A hat indoors does not make you a bad person, it makes you like the
rest of the world.
-you do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.
3. Women:
-Air Force girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and
will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force
girls.
-Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither
are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.
-Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not
make "financial sense", it makes you a retard.
4. Personal accomplishments:
-In the real world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at
your job.
-Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about
people you have killed or seen die.
-How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
-The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is
also not a personal accomplishment.
5. Drinking:
-In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an
intervention, not a "good for you".
-That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger or Jack and pissed in
your closet is not a conversation starter.
-That time you went to the combat medic school and practiced giving
vodka iv's will also not be a good conversation starter.
6. Bodily functions:
-Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may
be viewed as "unprofessional".
-The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter
how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled.
-You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it
is.
-VD will also not be funny.
7. The human body:
-Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may
seem, it's true.
8. Spending habits:
-One day, you will have to pay bills.
-Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.
-Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool.
-One day you will need health insurance.
9. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU):
-Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be
normal.
10. Real jobs:
-They really can fire you.
-On the flip side you really can quit.
-Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember
they really can quit too.
-Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
-Remember 9-5 not 0530 to 1800.
11. The Law:
-Non-judicial punishment does not exist and will not save you from
prison.
-Your workplace unlike your command can't save you and probably won't,
in fact most likely you will be fired about 5 minutes after they find
out you've been arrested.
-Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going
to help you get the job.
-Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not
yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.
12. General knowledge:
-You can in fact really say what you think about the President in
public.
-Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.
-They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important
then you are, be polite.
-Read the contracts before you sign them, remember what happened the
first time.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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