SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A place for those politically incorrect jokes......
First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does and gets a cookie.
The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.
Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."
The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."
The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Should have been hand grenades instead of rocks.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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USMC Ret
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 281
Loc: NW Ark
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The Little Rascals are in class and the teacher is having a speeling bee for the class.
Okay children, the word of the day is dictate..., Darla, can you spell dictate...
Darla: yes maam..d.i.c.t.a.i.t..dictait..
Teacher: I'm sorry Darla, that is incorrect... Spanky, could you please spell dictate???
Spanky: Yes Maam. D.i.k.t.a.te...diktate...
Teacher: I'm sorry Spanky that is incorrect... Buckwheat, could you please spell dictate???
Buckwheat: Yes Maam, D.I C.T A.T.E "dictate"...
Very good Buchkwheat, the teacher says, now could you please use it in a sentence???
Buckwheat: Yes Maam......Buckwheat thinks for a moment and says...................."Dictate.....................
............Darla say Buckwheats dictate good"
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Old Gooser
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 621
Loc: Snookies home town
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Ok I give up, thank you to everyone who voted for the BMOFO, (GOD save the king)
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BruceCarp
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 802
Loc: central MO
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usmc retired, great joke, How are things in the sand? shot a few of your ft wood ducks this fall! but there were only two! thanks for doing your part again!!
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crappie fisherman & waterfowl hunter
retired Army
But wait a minute I think I have another bite!!!!
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USMC Ret
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 281
Loc: NW Ark
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Bruce,
Doing great here. Got back to Missouri and home on Wednesday and just decompressing and enjoying the quiet life right now. Missed the hunting season, but no plans to go back. I am sure we will run into each other again at some point... and if not, maybe a hunt next year
Good to hear from you
Geoff
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head. In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.
The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Jesse and told him to drink it all. Jesse did and replied, "That tasted like bigolestinkyturd!"
The doctor replied, "It was, Jesse, You were about a quart low".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, are a French guy an American guy, an old Greek lady and a young blonde Swiss girl.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Frenchman has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: The Frenchman must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde thinks: That Frenchman must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
The Frenchman thinks: The American must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The American thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that Frenchman again.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Devious devil wasn't he? 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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During the war, many U.S. Army units with black troops had white officers. One such unit was loading onto a troop train when an older black woman, obviously a mother, approached a white Captain on the station platform.
She said "Excuse me, sir - I'm looking for my son Tyrone Washington".
The Captain replied "Washington. Yes, I think he's one of mine".
"Oh, no sir," she said, "Tyrone is colored".
"I'm white," said the Captain, "But I have black Privates".
"Well," she said, "AIN'T you the special one!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Boudreaux's 21-one-year-old, unmarried daughter tells her parents she thinks she is expecting. Very worried, they go to the drugstore to buy a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, and crying, Boudreaux says, "Who 'dat pig what did you like 'dis? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of Boudreaux's house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with Boudreaux, the mother and the girl and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take responsibility.
"If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, Boudreaux, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "'Den you try agin!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Gun Shop Owner: "Hi, How can I help you?"
Client: "I'm lookin' for a gun."
Owner:"What kind of gun are you lookin' for?"
Client: (pointing at the biggest handgun in the case): "That one looks about right."
Owner: (very surprised): " Why do you need a .44 magnum?"
Client: "It's for shootin' at cans."
Owner: (pointing at a small handgun): "Well, this is the perfect size for shooting at cans."
Client: (pointing again at the .44): "Nah, I need this one."
Owner: "OK, what kind of cans are you shooting at?"
Client: "Mexi-cans.......Puerto Ri-cans........Afri-cans
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading in America, Arkansans and Missourians will no longer be referred to as
"HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to us as OZARK-AMERICANS.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two good ole boys were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the first guy says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two Arabs got on a plane and sat in the middle and window seats on their row. A Marine came and sat in the seat on the isle.
After a few minutes the Marine kicks off his shoes and starts to relax. The Arab next to the window said he needed up to go get a Coke. The Marine said to stay there and he would go get it for him.
While he was gone the Arab next to the window grabed one of the Marines shoes and spit in it.
When the Marine returned with the Coke, the second Arab said that he needed a Coke also. The Marine told him to stay seated and he would be back in a few minutes with his Coke.
After the Marine returned and handed the second Arab his Coke, He decided to put his shoes back on, and suddenly realized what had happened.
The Marine stood up, looked at the two Arabs and stated.....When is all this hatred and animosity going to stop....spitting in shoes, pissing in Cokes!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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MOST HONORABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE
I WATCH HOUSE
HE COME TO HOUSE.
I WATCH.
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE.
I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL.
I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE.
SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE.
SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE.
SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME.
I FALL OFF TREE.
I NOT SEE.
NO FEE,
CHEN LEE.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Boo!!!!! Hiss!!!! Groan!!!
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Zebra
A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, "I have a question that haunted me all of my days on earth...am I, a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes?"
St. Peter said, "That's a question only God can answer."
So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God, please - I must know. Am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?"
God simply replied "You are what you are."
The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, "Well, did God straighten out your query for you?"
The zebra looked puzzled. "No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.'"
St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, that answers it. You are a white horse with black stripes."
The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that?"
"Because," said St. Peter, "If you were a black horse with white stripes, God would have said, "You is what you is."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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CITY OF DETROIT HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
NAME____________________
GANG/CREW NAME______________
Crib _________________
1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting.
How many drive-by shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload?
2. Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram.
What is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3. Rufus pimps 3 ho's.
If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
4. Darius wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit.
How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?
5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4.
If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?
6. LeRoy got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit.
If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang.
What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?
9. LaSheena is a lookout for the gang. LaSheena also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat.
If LaSheena makes $700 week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?
10. Marvin steals Joe's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum.
If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Press Release:Wal-Mart Wines
Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item. Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.
The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $1-3 range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She said: "But the right name is still important."
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart brand.
The top surveyed names in order of popularity are:
10.Chateau de Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Three old black ladies were preparing for their first plane flight.
The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gonna wear me some hot pink panties on dis flight."
"Why you gonna wear dat?" the other two asked.
The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dere laying butt-up in a corn field, dey gonna find me first."
The second lady says, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some fluorescent orange panties."
"Why you gonna wear dat?" the others asked.
The second lady answered: "Cause if dat plane goes down, and I'm floating
butt-up in the ocean, dey can see me first."
The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties at all."
"What? No panties?!" the others said in disbelief.
"Dat's right," says the third lady. "I'm not wearing any panties, cause if dat plane goes down, the first thing they always look for is da black box"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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ScottK
member
.jpg)
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 38
Loc: SW Mo
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What do you call a black man flying an airplane?
A pilot, you racist bastards! 
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities
10. Drink molasses 'til you heave
9. Wet bonnet contest
8. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy
7. Buttermilk keggar
6. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really bitchin' Clydesdale
5. Get a tattoo: "Born to raise barns"
4. Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers
3. Sleep 'til 6 AM
2. Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite donkey
1. Churn butter naked
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Manuel and Pedro worked together and both were laid off, so they
went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Manuel answered,
"Panty stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' cotton panties."
The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as "unskilled
labor", she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Pedro was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied.
Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Pedro $600.
When Manuel found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office
to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel
fitters are skilled labor. "
"What skill?" yelled Manuel. "I sew da elastic on da panties;
Pedro puts dem over his head and says: "Yeah, diesel fitter."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Cheyenne is visiting in San Francisco and wanders into Chinatown where he enters a curio shop. There he sees a little bronze rat. He likes it and on impulse decides to buy it. He asks the old Chinese proprietor how much? The proprietor says: " $5 and $1000 for the story that goes along with it". The Cheyenne says: " Ill skip the story. JUst give me the bronze rat". He gets his bronze rat wrapped up and slips it into his pocket and walks out of the shop.
He is hardly 10 feet down the street when he notices a couple of rats beginning to come along with him. Of course, like anyone, he doesn't like rats but as a country man, he shrugs it off. It's not such a great neighborhood anyway. However as he walks along, rats begin to gather, first by the dozens, then by the hundreds. He becomes fearful and now the rats are in the thousands. He climbs a pole near the bay and fears he may have to swim for it. To reduce any extra weight, he throws the bronze rat into the bay. To his astonishment, all the rats jump into the bay and are drowned.
The Cheyenne returns to the curio shop. The old proprietor smiles and says: " Ah, so now you want to hear the story?".
The Cheyenne says: " No, do you have any bronze white men?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Texan were discussing lovemaking.
"Last night I made love to my wife three times," boasted the Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.
"What did she say to you this morning?" asked the Italian.
"Don't stop," said the Texan.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SierraExplorer
member
Reged: 01/02/06
Posts: 13
Loc: Kalifornia
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A jewish guy walked into a bar, sat down next to a chinese guy, had two drinks, and punched the chinese guy in the nose.
"What that for?" asked the chinese guy. "That's for bombing Pearl Harbor," said the Jew.
"You idiot," said the chinese guy, "JAPANESE bomb Pearl Harbor - NOT Chinese!"
"Ah," said the jewish guy, "Chinese, japanese, it's all the same.
So the chinese guy finished his drink and punched the jewish guy in the nose. "What was THAT for?" asked the jewish guy.
"That for sinking Titanic," said the chinese guy. "You moron," said the jewish guy, "the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!"
"Ah so," said the chinese guy, "Iceberg, Greenberg, it all same!"
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Don't know how true this is, but just received an email about Hispanic May 1st boycott. According to some survey, retailers had a 4% reduction in sales that day, but noted a 67% reduction in shoplifting.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A plane takes off from South America on its way to the US. Along the way, an engine fails and the pilot informs the crowd that they'll have to drop some weight if they hope to make it.
All of the luggage is emptied from the plane without complaint from the passengers, but the plane still needs to lose weight. The pilot then informs the passengers that people will have to be shed and the only fair way to go about it is in alphabetical order.
The pilot first says, "Are there any African-Americans on board?" No response.
Second, he asks, "Are there any Blacks on board?" Still no response.
Third the pilot asks, "Are there any Coloreds on board?" Again, no response.
Finally, a little black boys asks his dad, "Daddy, why aren't we raising our hands?" The father replies, "Son, we're going after the Mexicans. We're N*ggers today."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Today's Ebonic word from the Louisiana Public School System:
OMELETTE
Let's use it in a sentence...
"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Ole, while not a brilliant man, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over Minnesota were coming to him for paintings.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude.
This was the first time anyone had made this request.
The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $5,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his wife.
In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady,"Ya shure, yoo betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll hev ta leave on my socks so I'll hev a place to vipe my brush."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Ole MUST have been a blonde in disguise. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Texan, a Frenchman and a Canadian are out riding horses.
The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a snort, then another, then suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the bottle in mid air. The Canadian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?! Thas was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!"
The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."
A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Frenchman pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it. The Canadian can't believe this and says, "What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of Champagne!"
The Frenchman says, "In France there's plenty of Chanpagne and bottles are cheap."
So, a while later the Canadian pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun and shoots the Frenchman.
The Texan is shocked and asks, "Why did you do that?"
The Canadian says, "Well in Canada we have plenty of Frenchman, but beer bottles are worth a dime."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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foots
the exterminator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5241
Loc: by my spiritual advisor, Wu
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I was born kicking, screaming, and covered in someone elses blood. I have no problem goin out the same way.
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Hey, you hear the latest Canadian joke?"
The bartender says, "Hey, pal, before you start, you see those two lumberjacks fighting in the corner? You see the big hockey players behind you? You see that hunter next to you at the bar, and the fisherman next to him? You see me? We're all Canadian. You still want to tell your little joke?"
Guy looks around at all these bruisers, who have now started to pay attention to him. "Okay," he says, "I'll tell it slow."
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IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8075
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
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A blonde joke turned into a "Canadian" joke! That is a first Miss B!
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Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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Actually, more like a big, dumb, hunter, fisherman, lumberjack joke.
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DjF
little buddie
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 5410
Loc: staring at an empty mailbox...
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I don't get it!!!!
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somewhere between "Hi, how can we help you?" and "Get off my lawn!"
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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I'll ask Miss Bud to type slower for you.... 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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LATEST POLLING IN TEXAS SHOWS:
? Forty-three percent of all TEXANS say that illegal immigration is a serious problem.
? The other 57 percent said, "No hablo ingl?s"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Saul Dumbrowski's Chinese Laundry."
"Saul Dumbrowski?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here? "
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Saul Dumbrowski's Chinese Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man. "Me the owner."
"You? How did you ever get a name like Saul Dumbrowski?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Saul Dumbrowski.'
Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sem Ting.'"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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An Italian-American family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home.
All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful!! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says Grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you."
"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," Grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here -- he's 85-years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'.
"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!!
"Also a Federal Judge, retired for over 30 years, is still addressed as 'Your Honor'.
"And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me 'the forking Italian?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Q- Where did the Jewish boy with Attention Deficit Disorder spend his summer?
A- Concentration Camp.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown New Orleans sat a huge black man. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big black man. Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the massive black man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the chit out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him al the way out of the bar, before leaving him >bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black man and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"
"Not sure," the black man replied. "Something about a job."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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There will only be 49 contestants in the Miss Black America Contest this year because no one wants to wear the banner that says, IDAHO
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers......
10) YOU HAVE TO SIT UPRIGHT WHILE DRIVING.
09) THE PISTOL WON'T STAY UNDER FRONT SEAT.
08) ENGINES DROWN OUT THE RAP MUSIC.
07) THE PIT CREW CAN'T WORK ON THE CAR WHILE HOLDING UP PANTS AT THE SAME TIME.
06) THEY KEEP TRYING TO CARJACK DALE, JR.
05) POLICE CARS ON TRACK INTERFERE WITH RACE.
04) NO PASSENGER SEAT FOR THE HO.
03) THERE ARE NO SPONSORS FOR CADILLAC.
02) CAN'T WEAR HELMET SIDEWAYS.
AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR:
01) WHEN THEY CRASH THEIR CAR THEY BAIL OUT AND RUN
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Ahmed came to the United States from Iraq. He was here only a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor.
The doctor said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Ahmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked!! I feel terrific!!? What was wrong with me?"
The doctor said, "You were homesick."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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My mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not; to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc.
Since I have become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc. I have elected to solve the problems as they affect me. It solves both my gas and illegal immigrant problems.
I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful and cheaper than buying gas. Then I pay them in pesos so they have to go home to spend it.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Sounds like a plan to me. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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What's a brick an a fat white chick got in common?
Eventually there both going to get laid by a Mexican.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Boudreaux staggered home very late after another Evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs Bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?"
Boudreaux said, "Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?"
"Well," Clotile said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the Broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood Trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly......
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and then he hit the window of a passing car going 80 miles per hour.
I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and sure enough the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says, "You deserted us. You are not my son!"
"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"
"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts, "at this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to New Orleans!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed!
"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"
"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business..you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos." "Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then.......pointa to you watch and say "Times up"?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: Who Is Mah Childens Daddys
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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What do you call an Arkansas couple with a gifted child?
Kidnappers.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: Mendoza's Drive By Shooting School
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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What goes "Fee-fi-fo, fee-fi-fo-fee"?
Mike Tyson giving someone his phone number.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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It's the nineteen twenties and a veteran of the Red Army is standing in line for bread in Leningrad in a blizzard. After several hours a political komissar comes out of the building to announce that there isn't enough bread for everyone and "All Jews must leave the queue".
Several more hours pass and again the political komissar comes out of the building to announce that there is even less bread than they originally thought and "Only Russians may remain in the queu" so all the Kazaks and Georgians, etc leave.
Finally, late into the night, the komissar comes out to say, "There is limited bread and only veterans of the Red Army may remain in the line."
Our patriotic hero is still in line with about twenty others when the Komissar comes out to announce that "In fact there is no bread at all."
At the news the veteran couldn't help but remark, "It seems that even after the Revolution the Jews are still getting preferential treatment."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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-What is the difference between a Jew and a canoe?......
......the canoe will tip
-What is a "Jewish moral dilemma"?......
......a free ham
What's the difference between a Jewish woman and a bowl of Jello?
The Jello wiggles when you eat it
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: The Niggar Family
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Test
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were
sitting by the side of the ocean.
It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do
Weeweechu."
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the
perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry
Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Boudreaux had absolutely the ugliest wife in the world and one morning he woke up and decided that he had to do something with her as she was just too ugly to even look at anymore.
She was so ugly when she was born that her mama breast fed her through a straw. When she got old enough to eat solid food, they would prop her up in a corner and feed her with a sling-shot, and the older she got, the uglier she got. So, he decided to take her to a plastic surgeon.
The doctor looked at her for a long time and Boudreaux asked the doctor, "You think you can do something for her?"
The doctor said, "Yes I think I can, I think I will start with her nose."
Boudreaux said,"What you gonna do doc, break it and reduce the size of it, and cut them warts off the top and side of her nose?"
The doctor said, "No, I think I'm gonna start off by putting it right there between her eyes."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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When Boudreaux was in high school someone told the football coach that Boudreaux was the fastest thing on two legs.
The coach looked Boudreaux up and wanted to time him in the 100 yard dash. He asked Boudreaux if he could run fast and Boudreaux said, "Well I think i can run pretty good."
So the coach told him to run to the other end of the field and they would record his time. Boudreaux took off and ran the 100 in 9 seconds flat. Man the coach couldn't believe how fast that kid could run.
Then the coach asked Boudreaux if he thought he could tackle. Boudreaux said. "well I never tried but I think I can. What do you want me to tackle?" The coach told him to tackle the light pole. So Boudreaux takes off running toward the pole and hit that pole with all he had and splintered the pole and broke the pole off even with the ground.
Man the coach went nuts with excitement and asked Boudreaux if he thought he could pass a football. Boudreaux said, "Well I never tried, but if I can swallow it, I think I can pass it."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Redneck Pickup Lines
1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Billy Bob walked into the local bar and noticed his friend, Bubba, sitting their looking distraught and obviously trying to drink his troubles away. When asked what the problem was, Bubba replied, "I just found out I slept with my third cousin."
Well Billy Bob, trying to console his friend, said "Maybe you should stop counting."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A little black boy caught a frog. He said, "froggy, this mah lucky day, ah'm gonna pull your legs off and have them for supper."
Then he said, " Froggy, this mah lucky day, ah'm gonna poke your eyes out and have me a nice froggy eye salad."
A white police officer pulled up, and since this is from a while ago, the cop said "boy, anything you do to that frog, I will do to you.
So the little boy said to the frog "Froggy, this your lucky day, cuz ah'm gonna kiss your a$$!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line, just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated....
He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two Texas bubbas were discussing their respective predicaments.
Jim Bob turned to Wayne and said, "You know, I'm tired of goin' through life without any education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes." Wayne agrees it's a good idea, and the two leave.
Next day, Jim Bob meets with the Dean of Admissions who enrolls him in four basic courses: Math, English, History and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim asks. "What's that?"
The Dean answers, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"Yeah." replies Jim.
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I surmise that you have a yard."
"That's true! I do have a yard." says Jim.
"I'm not done." the Dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house!"
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"Yes, I have a family!"
"I'm still not done. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"Yes, I'm heterosexual. That's amazing! You were able to find out all of this because I have a weed eater!"
Excited to take the classes now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet his buddy Wayne. He tells Wayne about his classes, how he has signed up for Math, English, History and Logic.
"Logic?" Wayne asks, "What's that?"
Jim Bob says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"
"Shore don't." answers Wayne.
"Then you're a queer!" says Jim.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Need a racial slur for that special someone?
Racial slur Database
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientist dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read:
"English archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots."
One week later, Texas newspapers reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 5000 meters in West Texas, Texas A&M scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have therefore concluded that 5000 years ago Texas inhabitants were already using wireless technology."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Ya gotta love British humour(notice the 'u')! John Cleese's light-hearted look at the USA today gives us a rueful smile.
John Cleese's Letter to America
To citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President or to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states and commonwealths as from Monday next.
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will >be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is unacceptable and an inefficient form of communication.
5.There is no such thing as "U.S. English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2 nd will be a new national holiday, but celebrated only in England . It will >be called "Come-Uppance Day."
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. If you're unable to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. This is for your own good. When you get your German car, you will understand what we mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried, and dressed with vinegar.
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
15. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that should clear up any risk of further confusion.
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys; also it will be a requirement to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you will now call it "soccer". Those brave enough will be allowed to play rugby (which has similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
Cheers
John Cleese
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two Jewish men, Sid and Al were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"
Al replied, "I don't know. Let's ask our waiter." When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter said, "I don't know, Se?or, I'll go ask the cook." He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, "No, sir, no Mexican Jews."
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos," gave the expected answer. "I will check again Se?or," and went back to the kitchen.
While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returned and said, "Se?or, the head cook says, No Mexican Jews!"
"Are you certain? ", Al asked once again, "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Se?or, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter, "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Pillsbury has announce that it will be replacing the Pillsbury Dough Boy with a new advertising campain.
"In the interest of diversity and inclusiveness we will be looking for a spokesperson to star in our "Pillsbury Dough Girl" promotion," said the Pillsbury spokesman, "A down to earth, bread and butter type that reflects the real coustomer in our metro distribution areas will speak for our products."
Outsiders speculate that market losses in suburban areas may be behind the change in demographic focus. As one analisist remarked,"Those cracker white bread eating Ho's get their bread from a counter appliance."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: Niggas
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.
"Yes," replied the Chinese man, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too."
The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old."
The Chinese man was incredulous, "That's impossible, he replied. Where did your people eat for a thousand years?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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So one guy says to another guy, "Mandelbaum and Rosenstern were talking one day..."
Right away, his friend interrupts him, "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once!"
So he starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah..."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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An IRS inspector walks into a synagogue and asks to see the rabbi.
He is shown into the rabbi's office and is offered a seat.
"Rabbi, I believe a member of your synagogue, Mr. Klutz, states on his tax return that he has donated $100,000 to the synagogue. Tell me, Rabbi, is this correct?"
The Rabbi answers, "Yes, he will."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican.
Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community.
If the Jew won, the Jews could stay.
If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community.
The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate? The day of the great debate came.
Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.
Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.
Moishe pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.
Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us.
He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us.
I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins.
He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving.
Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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One day a skunk and her baby were crossing a road. The mother was struck and killed by a car. The baby skunk layed down in the ditch and cried.
A little duckling came along and saw the baby skunk crying. He asked him what was the matter.
The baby skunk explained his mother got squashed in the road and she died before she ever even told him what he was. He continued crying.
The little duckling reassured him this was simple for he had little orange feet and a puffy yellow tail and quacked therefore he was a duckling.
he said "Hmmm lets see. You aint all white and you aint all black you stink and your momma is dead?"
"You must be one of OJ's kids"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Just so I can find it...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie,
"The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this.
We just got 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and if you will come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today"
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job.
"The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use you your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."
Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter, he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right. "The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left. "
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.
But his luck didn't end there His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse!, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?"
The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week"
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop.
Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please"
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well, the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the fairway."
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. And then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, and the other two robbed the pro shop."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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foots
the exterminator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5241
Loc: by my spiritual advisor, Wu
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I was born kicking, screaming, and covered in someone elses blood. I have no problem goin out the same way.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Hello,
My name be Eboneesha,an African-American girl who just got an award For being the best speler in class.
The white dude who sit next to me is McGee. He got a 94% on the test but no extra points on account of he have the same Skin color as the opressirs of 150 years ago.
I got 67% on the speling test and 30 points for being black, 5 points for not bringing drugs into class, 5 points for not bringing guns into? class, and 5 points for not getting Pregnut during the cemester.
It hard to beat a score of 120%.
Granny ax me to thank all Liberals for suporting afermative action. You showing the way to true equality. I be gittin in medical skool nex an mabe I be yo doctor.
Yo fren, Eboneesha
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the internet onto the front of my shirt.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.
It also works well if you ever have to use a Laundromat.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
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.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Ali and Mohamed are panhandling on the Toronto subway.
Ali drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Mohamed only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Mohamed asks Ali how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10.00 bills every day.
Ali says "look at your sign. It say : I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support".
Mohamed looks at Ali's sign.
It reads " I only need another $10.00 to move back to my country".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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foots
the exterminator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5241
Loc: by my spiritual advisor, Wu
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I was born kicking, screaming, and covered in someone elses blood. I have no problem goin out the same way.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The case involved a 73-year-old black man being in the court to answer the complaint by a 19-year-old black female seeking child support.
Attorney: Your honor my client has raised this child by herself with no help from the defendant in the 5 years this child has been on this earth.
Judge: Five-years. How old are you young lady?
Girl: 19 sir
Judge: Well then are you telling me you were 14 when you had this child.
Girl: Yes sir.
Judge: Willie (Defendant) do you know that you have committed a felony crime punishable by up to 25 years in Prison. You have committed statutory rape.
Defendant: I ain't raped that girl Judge. She wanted to. Asked her, she wants to right now.
Judge: Willie it makes no difference, she was only 13 years old when you laid with this child. THAT IS STATUTORY RAPE. I am now gonna have to bind this over to the Grand Jury and inform the District Attorney.
Defendant: No, your honor!! When did you white folks come up with that law?
Judge: It has been a law for quite some time.
Defendant: Well, Judge ya'll needs to tell us nigga's bout these new laws. I been f*cking under the old rules.
True transcript from Hinds County Chancery Court. Hon. Charles A. Brewer presiding
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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I rear ended a car the other day.
The driver got out and he was a dwarf.
He was really pissed, and looked up at me and said, "I'm not happy."
I said, "So... Which one are you?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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After days in the wilderness Coleen and Maireed stumble into a bar in the Wild West and ask for two beers. Unfortunately they've got no money and the barman won't give them credit!
Just then a bloke walks in with a Red Indian's head under his arm. The barman shakes his head and says, 'I hate Indians. Last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, raped my wife and killed my children. If any man brings me the head of a Red Indian, I will give them, 100,000.'
The two Irish girls look at each other and then go off to find a Red Indian.
Later that day they see one, and Maireed throws a stone which hits the Red Indian on the head. The Indian falls off his horse but lands 70ft down a ravine. Coleen and Maireed dash down into the ravine where Coleen starts sawing the Indian's head off.
Suddenly Maireed says 'Coleen look at this...'
Coleen says 'In a minute.'
'No, look at this ...' says Maireed.
'No, can't you see I'm fookin busy.....'
Maireed grabs hold of her and Coleen looks up and sees 10,000 Indians standing at the top of the ravine.
'Fook me' says Coleen. 'We're gonna be millionaires.'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two Mexicans are riding along Pacific Coast Highway on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a ride. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help so the Mexicans ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the truck since he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls
The Mexicans ask the driver if he will he take them if they can manage to
fit in the back with their bike, so he agrees. They manage to squeeze
themselves and their motorbike into the back of the truck, so the driver
shuts the doors and goes on his way. By this time he is running late so
he puts his foot down.
Sure enough the Highway Patrol pulls him over for speeding. The officer
asks the driver what he is carrying, to which he replies "Mexican eggs"
The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so he asks to take a look.
He opens the back door and quickly shuts and locks it. He gets on his
radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
"I've got a trucker carrying 20,000 Mexican eggs - 2 have hatched and the b*stards have already managed to steal a motorbike ".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Banned Cartoons- Scrub Me Mama with a Boogie Beat
Scrub Me Mama with a Boogie Beat
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Banned Cartoon -1943?s ?Coal Black and de Sebben Dwarfs
Coal Black and de Sebben Dwarfs
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Real news story...
Twelve hundred troops from Poland were deployed to Afghanistan in June as part of a NATO buildup to patrol the Pakistan border, searching for Taliban forces, but Polish commanders admitted that they would not be combat-ready for several weeks because the keys to all their Humvees had been stolen. One commander said spare keys had been ordered. [Reuters, 6-7-07]
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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How many negros does it take to pave a basketball court ????
Depends on how thin you slice 'em!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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DMac
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 2086
Loc: looking for my Swingline stapl...
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Nice pic......but take the word of someone who spent some time there
They ain't that well dressed, and they don't weigh that much 
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Police say alcohol may have been involved in this incident
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Those two guys are the elite storm troopers.
They get a better grade of alfalfa in their diet.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.
On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Sven just managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, your Father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January; you were born in July."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A young Jewish Mom walks her son to the school bus corner onhis first day of kindergarten.
"Behave, my bubaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself and think about your Mother, tataleh!"
"And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh." "Mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!"
At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son on and hugs him.
"So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?"
The boy answers, "I've learned that my name is David."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are walking down the street one day discussing Godly things and peeking into the windows of the houses and making side bets on what religeon the owners where.
They come upon a townhouse that is right up against the side walk with a huge picture window. As they peer in, they see a woman bent over the couch and her husband pounding away with great energy to her most obviouse delight.
The 3 men of God are taken aback for a momment by the display of passion presented, then the priest looks in more closely and announces, "no cross over the door, their not Catholic".
The minister looks in and says, "no bible on the table, they are not Protestant.
The rabbi looks in, sighs heavily and says, "oi veh, vall-to-vall carpeting..."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Bubba goes to a revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.
Bubba gets in line and when it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what do you want me to pray about?"
Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while. After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"
Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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A priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief: "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says: "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts: "Rock."
The Priest is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds: "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied: "My bike."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Wonder what gear the poor fellow had it in at the time of his demise? Surely, it wasn't a single speed bike.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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That's not funny Mel. I could have just been an old bike.
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Well, are you? I've been told it's not the age but the mileage that counts. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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I am 50, my dear, but the odometer doesn't need spinning yet.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The North has Bloomingdale's, The South has Dollar General.
The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names, The South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.
North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.
The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters, The South has crawfish.
The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt.
FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . . In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don 't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don 't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive
Get used t o hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
Don 't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS". With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in with the growing trend!!!
Now, here goes...
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service:
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
G: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: ".....What??"
RS: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry... scrambled, please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I... don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No, just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?!?"
G: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy.. rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjooberrymuds."
G: "You're welcome."
Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" Is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise"?
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."
So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba ! Great to see You! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his Boss quickly retorts.
Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
The new Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."
So, off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.
Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba"?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Welsh farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking out of a pond.
The Welsh farmer shouted: 'Paid a yfed a dwr, maer gwerthin wedi cachu un a for.'
[Which means: 'Don't drink the water the cows have chit in it.']
The man shouts back: 'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English.'
The Welsh farmer says: 'Use two hands, it holds more'!!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Expert Witness
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two business men in NY are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store isn't ready -- only a few shelves are set up.
One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious hill-billy from the south walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, "What're y'all sellin' here?"
One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling assholes here.
Without skipping a beat, the southerner says, "Well, I see y'all're doing really good, you only got two left!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Sudan Teddy Case Stalls 'Tickle Me Muhammad' Launch
(2007-11-30) ? As a Sudanese court handed down a 15-day jail sentence for a British women convicted of allowing school children to name a teddy bear after The Prophet of Islam, Mattel Toys announced today it would delay the launch of its much-anticipated ?Tickle Me Muhammad? toy line.
The teacher, Gillian Gibbons, 54, narrowly escaped 40 lashes, six months in prison and a fine, thanks to the mercy of the Islamic court which instead commended her to the care of the Sudanese penal system where she?ll be one of 1,200 women and children incarcerated in a mosquito-infested prison built to hold about 200.
A Mattel spokesman said the Sudan teddy bear case has caused the company to ?rethink the propriety of the planned pre-Christmas release of Tickle Me Muhammad,? which it described as ?a cuddly adorable friend, with a long plush beard and a puffy turban, who laughs uncontrollably when you touch him almost anywhere.?
?We really thought it would help soften the image of Muslims,? said the unnamed Mattel source, ?and help to bring about the peaceful world order which they have been fighting for almost non-stop over the past 1,400 years.?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai Warrior. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
"What a skillful feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do."
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* *Swish!* The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered!
"Ah-h-h, that is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three
Samurai?"
Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing a fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh!* flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room and the fly let out a high pitched sound. But the fly was still alive and buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."
"Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy. Now, circumcision .....THAT takes skill!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Chris Rock Video- Racisim
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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From Tistis
Old Negro Space Program
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A game warden from western Misssouri, on the border, called a game warden in Iowa. He tells him to meet him at a spot that they both know. When the Iowa warden arrives, he asks, "What's up?"
The MO warden says, "There is a dog caught in a trap down in that ravine, it's terrible!"
The Iowa warden says, "You called me about a dog in a trap? What did you do that for?"
The Mo warden says, "I'm not sure that this is even in my jurisdiction, it's a Iowa dog."
The Iowa warden asks, "How did you figure that out?"
The MO warden says, "Well, he's chewed three legs off and is still caught in the trap."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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I've never really felt a need to harass someone over some personal characteristic they can't control. But I have
a dry enough wit to understand the humour in almost anything, even racially based things. My cousin though
isn't so tolerant. He thought he was being a nice guy and took a black co-worker water skiing on the Savannah
River. He was pleased with his demonstration of racial tolerance until the local marine patrol boat stopped him
and the officer gave him a citation for trolling for alligators out season.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Jewish sisters-in-law meet at their weekly session at the beauty shop. Ruth says to Golda, 'Such news I got for you, Golda! My Irving is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to this wonderful Jewish girl, but he thinks the poor darling may have some strange illness called herpes.'
After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth, 'So, Ruthie, do you have any idea what is this herpes, and can your Irving catch it?'
Ruth answers, 'God forbid! But his Papa and I are just so happy to hear about his engagement. You know how we've all worried about him. It's past time he's settled with a nice girl. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?'
'Well,' Golda says, 'I have a very fine medical dictionary, you know, Ruthie. I'll just run home right now and look it up and call you.'
Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly, 'Ruth! Ruth! Thank goodness, I found it. Not to worry! It says herpes is a disease affecting the gentiles.'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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67Firebird
Former political advocate
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 9253
Loc: Russellville, Mo
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Recently I have heard mention of reparations for the slave owners. At first I thought the notion was stupid and was appalled by it, but then I heard the full argument. Now I’m not sure what I think because I'm still a bit stunned by the fact that there was some sense involved.
The argument goes: The biggest, strongest black athletes are those in the United States, not anywhere else. And it is supposedly because of selective breeding programs on the plantations. Only the biggest and strongest were allowed to breed. The strong were needed for labor and the "sissy boys" were sent to work in the house.
Therefore - the descendents of plantation owners are due a cut of the multi-million dollar sports contracts of black athletes.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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locked up
snake charmer!!
Reged: 01/24/08
Posts: 691
Loc: pit city mo
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Why do you ask?
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: Afro Ninja
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind
The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Sure".
The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WATER
My vieja gets mad and I don’t even know water problem is!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: MUSHROOM
Orale vato, when all my familia gets in the car, theres not mushroom.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CHICKEN
My vieja wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go by herself .
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: LIVER & CHEESE
Some vato tried to sweet talk my ruca. I told him, orale loco liver alone, cheese mine.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JULY
Ju tol me ju were goin to the store and July to me! Julyer!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WAFER
I wanted to go with my mom to the flea market pero she didn’t wafer me!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: HERPES
I had some cake to share with my wife, this is my piece this is herpes.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: TISSUE
I told you if you didn’t know how to do it, I could tissue.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CASHEW
I was running after you but I couldn’t cashew!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JUICY
Hey vato, I’m going to eat Paco’s food, tell me if juicy him!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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I think I've got a solution to the illegal immigration problem and the slavery reperations problem.
I propose that each black in america that can prove that they descended from slaves be given two illegal immigrants.
They can do with the illegals as they want, be it kitchen help, tending the garden or renting out to local industry. Or perhaps selling them to their more industrious brothers for crack.
However, after 200 years of selective breeding they are not entitled to a portion of the illegals pro-sports pay.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Our national lawn ornament.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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QUESTION:
Three families live in the same 3 story condo building. On the first floor a Mexican family lives with their 5 kids. On the second floor lives a white family with their 2 kids, on the third floor lives a black family with 4 kids. One day, around 10 o’clock in the morning, there is a giant earthquake that levels the building and only one family survives which one?
ANSWER:
The white family, because the parents were at work and the kids were at school.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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What is the differance between a Jew and a Pizza?
A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in an oven.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Loose yur racial guilt...
Guilt Away Gardens
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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I'm not sure what this means...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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That's Obama's new Secretary of Defense, hence the AK-47.
Nice seashells.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A beat-up old truck arrived at Bejing loaded with barbed wire and posts.
It was the Mexican fencing team.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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What do you call an Arab with over a hundred girlfriends?
A shepherd!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Auuh....
Video: Vigina Power
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan.
Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
Canada, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Pakistanis
God Bless Canadian generosity.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two friends, a white guy and a black guy, both work together. The white guy came in late one morning and his black friend asks where he had been.
The white guy says, "My wife gives me good sex every night and she kept me up really late last night."
The black guy says "I can?t get my wife to have sex with me, no matter what! How do you do it?"
The white guy says, "I read her poetry every night."
His black friend then asks, "What kind of poetry?"
The white guy replies, "Blondie, blondie, eyes so blue, how I want to make love to you."
Then the white guy tells his friend to go home and try it - it's a sure thing!
The next morning the black guy was about 2 hours late. When he comes in, he has a black eye and his arm is in a sling.
The white man asks, "What happened?!"
The black man says, "Man, don't ever speak to me again!"
The curious white man asks, "Well, what did you say to her?"
The black man replies, "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, bend over biatch, and take it like a dog!!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Wus da night afo' Crizzmus, and all thru da hood,
everybody be sleepin' and da sleepin' be good.
We hunged up our stockins, an hoped like all heck,
dat Obama gunna brang us our checks.
All of da family, was lay'in on da flo',
my sister wif her gurlfriend, my brother wif some ho.
Ashtrays was all full, empty beer cans and all
when I heared such a fuss, I thunk...."Sh'eet, must be da law".
I pulled the sheet off da window and what I'ze could see,
I was spectin' the sherrif, wif a warrent fo' me.
But what did I see, made me say, "Lawd look 'a dat!"
Dere was a huge watermelon, pulled by eight big-ass rats.
Now ovah da years, Santy Claws he be white,
but it looks like us brotha's, got a black un' tonight.
Faster than a poe'lice car, my homeboy he came,
and whupped up on dem rats, as he called dem by name.
On Biden, On Jessie, On Pelosi and Hillary Who,
On Fannie, On Freddie, On Ayers, and Slick Willy too.
Obama landed dat melon, right there in da street,
I knowed it fo' sho', - can you believe that Sheet?
Dat Santy didn't need no chimley, he picked da lock on my do',
an I sez to myself, "Son o' biatch...he don did dis befo!"
He had a big bag, full of presents - at first I suspeck?
Wif "Air Jordans" and fake gold, to wear roun' my neck.
But he left me no presents, just started stealin my chit.
He got my guns and my crack, and my new burglers kit.
Den, wif my chit in his bag, out da windo' he flew,
I sho' woulda shanked him, be he snagged my blade too!
He jumped back on dat melon, wif out even a hitch,
and waz gone in two seconds, da democrat daddyless.
So nex year I be hopin', a white Santy we git,
'cause a black Santy Claws, just ain't worf a chit!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some black Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the black pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of beer, a bag of weed and some photos of Alonso's bird in the shower.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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There will be no more use of the traditional expression, "NigraRigging".
This terminology is to be discontinued and replaced with "Presidential Solutions".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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67Firebird
Former political advocate
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 9253
Loc: Russellville, Mo
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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67Firebird
Former political advocate
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 9253
Loc: Russellville, Mo
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You just made me choke on my chips.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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It's my job.
It's what I do. 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video- Freestlye Rap Battle: Translated
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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By rule , this must be removed by Jan 20. 
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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I ain't skeert. 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Same rule.
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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What's the rule on this one...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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I just swallowed my chew...
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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NASCAR NEWS...Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew
This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the government's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits. However-Gordon got more than he bargained for!
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Playboy Magazine just offered Sarah Palin $1 Million to pose nude in the March issue...
Michelle Obama got the same offer from National Geographic...
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Google "Sparkling Wiggles",then clickon the little 3 year old girl......damn!
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Maybe it's a blonde thing.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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An Indonesian passenger ferry sank in a storm Sunday with around 250 passengers and 17 crew onboard after being battered by seven-foot waves, officials said.
Because of this tragedy, there will be no "technical service" for most major American technology corporations for the next several months.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: Japanese/Korean Louis Armstrong in black face
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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So what happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup??? It depends on to whom it happens, apparently.
The Italian - throws the cup and walks away in a fit of rage.
The Frenchman - takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.
The Chinese - eats the fly and throws away the coffee.
The Russian - drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.
The Israeli - sells the coffee to the Frenchman, the fly to the Chinese, buys himself a new cup of coffee and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.
The Palestinian - blames the Israeli for the fly falling in his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, The Chinese and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli why he should give away his cup of coffee to the Palestinian.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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An Englishman, a Jew and an Arab were in the train.
A fly lands on the Englsihman's shoulder.
"Get off you filthy insect!" said he as he brushed the fly away.
The fly land on the Arabs shoulder.
He catches it and eats it.
A few minutes later, another fly lands on the Jew's shoulder.
He catches it, and says to the Arab "You want to buy a fly?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: Nigerette
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Amish Extreeme Winter Sports
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two businessmen in Toronto were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Cape Bretoner walked to the window, had a peek and in a thick Cape Breton accent asked 'What might ye be sellin' here boys ?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Cape Bretoner said, 'You are doing well ...only two left !'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Pat Paulson In Blackface 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Troops in Afghanistan prove that they've retained their sense of humor with the following:
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Richard Pryor giving a news conference as the first black President in 1977. Hilarious - and there are some real parallels with today.
The First Black President
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crossbar
member
Reged: 12/25/05
Posts: 67
Loc: Jackson Mo.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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67Firebird
Former political advocate
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 9253
Loc: Russellville, Mo
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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New Air Force One tail number.
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old lodge skins
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 381
Loc: Porche's Prairie, MO
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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And they look serious!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
And they look serious!
They need to chill out. Back in Africa, folks know how to work these things out.
EL OBEID, SUDAN, 13 May 2008 (IRIN) - Several hundred kilometres from the simmering conflicts between pastoralists and farmers [over natural resources] in Sudan's Darfur region, the two communities in the village of Gereigikh in North Kordofan State have learnt to cool the tension with watermelons.
"Our farmers discovered that whenever the Kawahla tribe [traditionally pastoral] brought their livestock into the fields, the animal droppings helped improve watermelon production, so the members of the Gawamha [traditionally farmers] started inviting the Kawahla to bring their livestock to the field," recalled Ad-Dukhri Al-Sayed, a community leader in Gereigikh, about 100km northeast of the state capital, El Obeid. "The situation has improved so much. Now everyone lives in peace, we never have problems."
Ya just can't make this stuff up, and no wonder those dummies are usually starving. Yep, that's what I'd grow when my kids are hungry - watermelons.
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67Firebird
Former political advocate
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 9253
Loc: Russellville, Mo
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...and some say stereotypes aren't real. 
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
Edited by SwampFox (03/01/09 03:57 AM)
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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After 28 years of loyal service to many presidents, the White House gardener was fired today.
Protesting his innocence, the man said he was planning to work on the rose beds - and all he did was ask a presidential aide "Have you seen the spade and the hoe?".
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: Kim Jonk II Gets Married
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Bartender says to the cowboy sitting at the bar, "Why do you wear what you wear?"
Cowboy says, "The wide brimmed hat keeps the sun out of my eyes, keeps the wind from blowing my hair, keeps the rain from my face. The bandana about my neck keeps the sun from burning my neck, and allows me a cloth to clean my face with, the chaps keep the brush from cutting through my jeans, the spurs get my horses attention."
The bartender says "Well whats up with the tennis shoes you're wearing?"
The cowboy replies, "Thats so people won't confuse me for a truck driver...."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Polak, a Jew and a Guinny went to a strip club. The dancer got in front of the Polak and seductively waved her azz round in front of his face. The Polak pulled out a roll of bills, peeled off a 20, licked it and stuck it to the left cheek of her azz. She went in front of the Guinny and waved her azz around seductively in front of HIS face for a few and the Guinny pulled out his roll, peeled off a 20,licked it and stuck it to the other cheek of her azz. She went in front of the Jew and waved her azz seductively in front of his face for a few. The Jew pulled out his ATM card, swiped it down the crack of her azz and took both 20's
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Jew and a Catholic on a flight to Minnesota suffer a horrible journey. Massive storms buffet the plane and there is a collective sigh of relief when the plane finally lands.
From the corner of his eye the Catholic spots the Jew making the sign of the cross. "I saw that," he teased.
"Don't misunderstand," replied the Jew. "I was checking the items most vital in my life - spectacles, money belt, checkbook, and wallet."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered
around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman.
"I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman..
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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In a recent survey carried out for leading toiletries firm BRUT, people from the City of Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!
In the survey, 86% of Chicago's inner city residents (almost all of whom are Democrats) said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
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Whackattack
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 2554
Loc: Farmington, Mo
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Disregard if this one has been posted.
One of the White House groundskeepers was recently fired.
His offense? He was overheard asking a co-worker where the "spade" and the "hoe" were.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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AMERICAN WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMEN
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMEN
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and
meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3- carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
JEWISH WOMEN
First Date: You get dynamite oral sex.
Second Date: You get more great oral sex..
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and you never get oral sex again.
CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding..
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner....
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
MEXICAN WOMEN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her
grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in .. and you live on rice
and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.
The POINT?
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
The Bartender says , "where did you get that?"
The parrot says , "Kenya , they are everywhere!"
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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The last 3...
BIGGOT!!!
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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There was a New England Minister...
His son got a job transfer to Louisiana .
Two weeks later, the son called the father:
Son: Dad, I met a girl and we're gonna get married.
Dad: Son, you know what they say about those Southern Belles.
They can't cook, they can't clean house, don't make love,
and she's gonna call you Yankee for the rest of your life.
Son: I don't care. I love her and I'm going to marry her.
Two weeks later, the son called the father again,
Son: Dad, I married her!
Dad: What about all the things I warned you about?
Son : Dad, she cooks like a dream, she keeps the house
spic-&-span and loves sex.
Dad: What about the last thing?
Son: We came to an understanding.............
She doesn't call me Yankee and I don't call her Nigroid.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
Edited by SwampFox (04/25/09 10:53 PM)
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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At Cox Hospital in Springfield, 3 women were giving birth at exactly the same time. Doctors and nurses were running around and there was a lot of confusion.
The three fathers were in the waiting room - a local guy, a feller from northern Arkansas, and a black guy.
Finally a doctor came out and told the fathers that everything was fine - three baby boys had been born, and everybody was healthy.
The doctor apologized, though. He said that in all the confusion they hadn't been able to keep track of which baby was which and that DNA testing might be necessary to figure it out. He suggested that the fathers go in and look at the babies, and maybe they'd be able to identify which one was theirs.
They went in and looked, and the fella from Springfield immediately picked out the black baby and said when the time came he'd take it home. The black guy went nuts - "What's the matter with you? You KNOW that baby's not yours!"
"I know", said the Springfield guy, "I just don't want to take a chance on getting the Arkie".
-----------------------------------
And Bubba, if you're gonna tell it - tell it right, dang it.
****
A black guy walked into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. It was a magnificent bird with all different colored feathers - bright yellow, red, blue, and green.
The bartender threw a fit over it. "Man, that's the prettiest thing I've ever seen. It's just beautiful! Where in the world did you GET something that pretty?"
"K_ansas City" said the parrot, "they got a million of 'em."
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I heard that one in high school, 'bout 1962 or so.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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George Farthing, an expatriate British man living in America, was recently diagnosed as clinically depressed, tanked up on anti-depressants and scheduled for controversial Shock Therapy when doctors realised he wasn't depressed at all - only British.
Mr Farthing, whose characteristic pessimism and gloomy perspective were interpreted as serious clinical depression, was led on a nightmare journey through the American psychiatric system. Doctors described Farthing as suffering with Pervasive Negative Anticipation - a belief that everything will turn out for the worst, whether it's trains arriving late, England's chances at winning any international sports event or even his own prospects to get ahead in life and achieve his dreams.
"The satisfaction Mr Farthing seemed to get from his pessimism seemed particularly pathological," reported the doctors.
"They put me on everything - Lithium, Prozac, St John's Wort," said Mr Farthing. "They even told me to sit in front of a big light for an hour a day or I'd become suicidal. I kept telling them this was all pointless and they said that it was exactly that sort of attitude that got me here in the first place."
Running out of ideas, his doctors finally resorted to a course of "weapons grade amphetamine", the only noticeable effect of which was six hours of speedy repetitions of the phrases "mustn't grumble" and "not too bad, really".
It was then that Mr Farthing was referred to a psychotherapist.
Dr Isaac Horney explored Mr Farthing's family history and couldn't believe his ears.
"His story of a childhood growing up in a grey little town where it rained every day, treeless streets of identical houses and passionately backing a football team who never won, seemed to be typical depressive ideation or false memory. Mr Farthing had six months of therapy but seemed to mainly want to talk about the weather - how miserable and cold it was in winter and later how difficult and hot it was in summer. I felt he wasn't responding to therapy at all and so I recommended drastic action - namely ECT or shock treatment".
"I was all strapped down on the table and they were about to put the rubber bit in my mouth when the psychiatric nurse picked up on my accent," said Mr Farthing. "I remember her saying 'Oh my God, I think we're making a terrible mistake'." Nurse Alice Sheen was a big fan of British comedy, giving her an understanding of the British psyche.
"Classic comedy characters like Tony Hancock, Albert Steptoe and Frank Spencer are all hopeless cases with no chance of ever doing well or escaping their circumstances," she explained to the baffled US medics. "That's funny in Britain and is not seen as pathological at all."
Identifying Mr Farthing as British changed his diagnosis from 'clinical depression' to 'rather quaint and charming' and he was immediately discharged from hospital, with a selection of brightly coloured leaflets and an "I love New York" T-shirt.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: Retarded Policeman
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A black guy walks into a bar with a gorilla. The bartender says to him "HEY, ASSHOLE. You can't bring wild animals in here!" The black guy apologizes and leaves.
He heads home and decides he's going to fork with the bartender. He completely shaves the gorilla leaving only a moustache, puts make-up, a wig, a tight slinky dress, and heels on it, and returns to the bar.
He walks in with the gorilla, the bartender sees this, looks over at a coworker and says, "How come every time a hot Italian chick comes in, she's always with a black guy???"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki.
Isn't it just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, an Englishman a Limey or a Frenchman a Crunt?
Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week.
The "musical chairs" was a bit slow but the "pass the parcel" was quick!!!
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Lady in labour, shouting the usual chit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!"
She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you forker!"
He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fork off it'll be too painful.'"
I'm not racist, racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up, Abdul? Won't it start?"
My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."
So I did her in the ass, pulled out, flipped her over, and came all over her face and hair.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.
A man walks into a gas station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat biatch."
Chinese guy walks into a bar. The bartender is black.
Chinese guys says, "Gimmie a jigger, ****!"
The black guy is shocked, but gives him a shot.
The Chinese guy repeats the same thing.
The black guy gets pissed but still gives him another shot.
The Chinese guy says it again and the black guy is royally pissed now.
He yells, "You get back here! I'm going to do the same thing to you and you can see how it feels."
The black guy storms out and the Chinese guy gets behind the bar.
The black guy walks in and yells, "Gimmie a drink, chink!"
The Chinese guys says, "Sorry. We don't serve niggroids here!"
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Hey, what's your disability?"
I said, "Tourettes! Now fork off you crunt!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two Muslims died and came up to the pearly gates.
St. peter looked them over and told them. I don't know if i can allow you in here, I have to go check with God. In doing so God told him that of course they accepted Muslims. St. peter went back and opened the gates for them.
Moments later, two jews came before him, and St.Peter, told them that they would have to wait until he checked with God again. Once again God told him that of course they accepted jews.
Then two blacks came before him. St. peter told them like the others that he would have to check with God. Once again God told St. Peter that it was fit to accept blacks. St. peter went back out to the gates, and then returned back to God.
God he said - they're gone.
The blacks asked God?
No the Pearly gates
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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In South Los Angeles, a 4 plex was destroyed by a fire.
A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor,and all six died in the fire.
An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya,
lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.
Six LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons,
lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.
A lone, white couple lived on the top floor.
The couple survived the fire,
Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA, met with the fire chief, on camera. They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived..?
The fire chief said, "They were at work."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two black guys are at a bar talking, one says to the other, " you ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"
The second black guy says,"yeah, all the time."
The other says, "why is that?"
The second says, "I think it's the pepper spray."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Paddy was walking along the street during his once-in-a-lifetime visit to New York when he rounds a corner and there's a high rise building on fire.
Paddy, ever the kind-hearted and resourceful Irishman, runs up to the building to see if he can help--and notices people trapped five stories up. Paddy yells to the people: 'I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick, the Irish Rugby Union fullback! If you jump, I'll catch you!"
One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her. Then a man sees that Paddy catches the women and jumps. Sure enough, Paddy catches him
also. Then a negro jumps out and crashes to the sidewalk. Paddy didn't even attempt to catch him.
Paddy looks up and yells, "Don't be throwin' the fookin' burnt ones!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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--------------------
God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Hi Son, where are you? I thought that you were with your father at Home Depot"
"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"
"What happened?"
"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."
"What on earth ~ why did you do that ?????"
"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Racist KFC Commercial
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Mohammed entered his classroom.
"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammed".... answered the kid.
"We are in Alberta and there is no "Mohammed". From now on your name will be "BRUCE"." replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammed returned home.
"How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.
"My name is not 'Mohammed'. I am an Albertan now and my name is 'Bruce'."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to disown your parents? Your heritage, your religion? Shame on you." and she beat him.
Then she called his father and he beat him savagely too..
The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked:
"What happened to you little Bruce?"
"Well, Miss you wouldn't believe it. Just two hours after becoming an Albertan, I was attacked by two flippin’ Arabs....."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Helping Haiti...
We are distraught over the recent earthquake that hit
Haiti causing the estimated deaths of up to 200,000 Haitians. We are asking the US government to donate 200,000 Negroes to replace them as quickly as possible with an additional 50,000 on standby for immediate exportation. Then and only then can we guarantee that Haiti will continue to be the poorest nation in the western hemisphere.
Please urge your city to donate and donate early as the need is real and the need is now!
Thank you,
American Negro Replacement Foundation: Creating poverty around the world for 200 years.
3225 W. 54th
Washington , DC 55679
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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I took my Biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name something commonly found in cells.
Apparently, "African-Americans" is not the correct answer.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Burrhead
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3075
Loc: Just north of Bugtussle
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"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward to the altar," the reverend says. Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "What is your name and what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replies: "Preacher, my name is Leroy and I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and places his other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy. After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday..."
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Somebody has to walk the point.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Not quite sure what to do with this...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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It's really not nice of me to make fun of this, and like Larry the Cable Guy I'll say "I'm sorry for that, Lord", but -
Bwaaaahaaaahaaaaaa!
Muslim Woman Strangled by Burkha
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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H2ODOG
the one who never tires
Reged: 12/22/05
Posts: 11020
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Three 3rd Graders : an Irish kid, an Italian kid
and a Black kid, are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests
that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.
"Okay." They all agree.
The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out, and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.
Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks
him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read
out loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played a
new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.
"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and
I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm Black. Is that true?
"No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen!"
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It’s better to be hated for who you are, instead of loved for who you aren’t.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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My friend, Elizabeth Dunlap works for the Highway Department in West Virginia. She works with a lady who has a mentally challenged son. For years, she has had someone sit with her son while she goes to work. Last Friday, the sitter didn’t show up, so she debated on whether to leave him alone or stay at home. But she had a lot of work to do at the job so she decided she would leave him at home and call and check on him every hour.
The first several hours, she called and checked and he was watching TV, doing just fine. So at noon, she decided to call and check, and if he was ok, she would enjoy lunch with co-workers. She called and asked him what he was doing. His response confused her. “I cot me a twoll and I’m feedin him Skittles”. She asked him to repeat that. “I cot me a twoll and I’m feedin him Skittles”. Not understanding what he meant, she decided to go home and see for herself. As she walked upon her front porch, she looked in the window and her son was laying on his stomach on the floor, flippin Skittles underneath the closet door! Of course she had to investigate so she went in and asked him what he was doing...”I’m feeding him Skittles”. She said “who are you feeding”? He said “the twoll”. She went to the closet door, opened the door and a Midget ran out and grabbed her. “Thank You, Thank You, Thank You for rescuing me”. Her Son was proudly smiling as if he had found her a prize.
It seems the little fellow was a Census taker who had randomly come to her door. When her Son saw him, he picked the little guy up, probably had never seen a vertically challenged man, and carried him to the closet and locked the door. And decided to feed him til his Mom got home!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Introducing the Jig-a-Jig
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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67Firebird
Former political advocate
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 9253
Loc: Russellville, Mo
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Why are black people so tall?
Because their knee grows.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Mel will like that one.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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67Firebird
Former political advocate
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 9253
Loc: Russellville, Mo
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It was posted by a black lady over on AR15.com.
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Old Gooser
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 621
Loc: Snookies home town
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New word meaning TO RENIG =
(SHIFT CHANGE AT MCDONALD'S)
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Ok I give up, thank you to everyone who voted for the BMOFO, (GOD save the king)
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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VERY STRANGE.....
Did You Know
That the words race car spelled backward spells race car.....................
That 'eat' is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense, ate..
And,
Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "fork off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent, non-English speaking cork and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat forking, smelly rag head bastards with you."
How weird is that
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Building Permit
I recently applied for a building permit for a new house.
It's going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 gun
turrets at various heights and windows all over the place
and a loud outside entertainment sound system.
It'll have parking for 200 cars and will be painted snot
green with pink trim.
The City Council told me to forget it... AIN'T GONNA
HAPPEN! So I sent in the application again, but this time I
called it a Mosque.
Work starts on Monday.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: White Womans Workout
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: Prejudice
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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In 1872 the Scots invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder...however, in 1873, the English refined the idea somewhat by taking the bladder out of the sheep first!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Question of the day: Do Muslims plump when you cook them?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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halfasmuch
action hero
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4349
Loc: Upper Oakville
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swamp fox.. I have seen that sing in person... wichita "HomeofToto"
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The difference between genius and stupidity
is that genius has its limits.
-Albert Einstein
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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From a post by Ozark...
In a third grade class the teacher was having the kids stand up one at a time, tell what their dad did for a living, and spell it.
Little Mary got called on first, and she said "My daddy is a baker, that's B-A-K-E-R, and if he was here today he'd bake us all a cake".
Billy was next, and he said "My daddy is a banker, that's B-A-N-K-E-R, and if he was here he could make us all a loan".
Leroy, the black kid, was next, and he said "My daddy he a 'lectrician. Dat's L-E-K ...". The teacher interrupted and said, "No, Leroy. Try again." Leroy said "OK, dat's L-E-C-K...". The teacher said "No, Leroy - sit down and think about your spelling and I'll call on you again later."
The little hoodlum Johnny was next, and he said "My daddy is a bookie. That's B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he was here today he'd be shooting us all 5-to-3 odds that that n****r ain't never gonna spell electrician."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A young Arab boy asks his father:
•What is this strange hat that we are wearing?
•It's a "chechia" - because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun.
•And what is this weird type of clothing that we are wearing?
•It's a "djbellah" - because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!
•And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?
•These are "babouches" - which keep us from burning our feet on the hot desert sand!
•Tell me, papa...
•Yes, my son?
•Why are we living in Dearborn, Michigan - and still wearing all of this crap?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arose.
Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank-you card for giving his blood along with an expensive diamond and a new Rolls Royce car as a token of his appreciation.
Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through corrective surgery once again. His doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank You card and a box of Almond Roca sweets.
The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not acknowledge his kind gesture in the same way as he had done the first time. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in this not very generous manner.
The Arab replied: "Ya Habibi !!, (Dear Friend)
You have to remember, I have Jewish blood now"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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No More Dog Questions!!!
Please be advised - I am sick of receiving questions about my dog who mauled 3 Muslims sitting on a rug next to my back wall, 6 illegals wearing Obama t-shirts, 4 Democrats wearing Pelosi t-shirts, 2 rappers, 5 phone operators who asked me to press #1 for English, 9 teenagers with their pants hanging down past their cracks, 8 customer service desk people speaking in broken English, 10 flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.
FOR THE LAST TIME...
THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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INSENSITIVE JOKES
On Senior Citizens day they had a quiz which I lost by two points. The question, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?" Apparently, the correct answer was Africa.
One of the other questions was name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Negroes and Mexicans is not the correct answer either.
I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
My wife told me I was no longer romantic, so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night. Problem was, she sucks at snooker and eight-ball.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastage and Marge is a skinny broad with big blue hair."
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know, 4000 Muslims added me as a friend!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastage."
The CIA has discovered how to weave Muslim prayer mats out of plastic explosives. Apparently prophets are going through the roof!
The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
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STTH
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 423
Loc: Turd Crick
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The other day I was at the ATM and a 1 legged Ni-ger with no arms said "check my balance" so I pushed the forker over.
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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This just in......
Playboy reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4 Million to pose nude in their February issue...
Michelle Obama was offered 50 bucks by National Geographic.....
And in other news.....
We all remember the KFC "Hillary Meal"--- two small breasts and two big thighs.
Now, KFC has announced an addition to their chicken dinners. It's called the "Obama Cabinet Bucket".
It's all left wings and a-holes.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone and jewelry to the charity shop. Sell my car, take my front door key and throw me out of the house."
Well . . . she didn't put it exactly that way. Actually, what she said was, "Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the
food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a massive failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Canada: We all hung up as soon as we heard the East Indian accent.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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cook
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 1750
Loc: in my underwear
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone and jewelry to the charity shop. Sell my car, take my front door key and throw me out of the house."
Well . . . she didn't put it exactly that way. Actually, what she said was, "Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A black woman in New Orleans was admitted into the hospital for a "pregnancy termination". Two weeks later she received a check for $5,000.
She phoned the hospital to ask who it was from. The hospital said,"Crimestoppers."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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I saw a T-shirt on the Internet last night that I really like.
It has a picture of Osama bin Laden with the caption:
Tell Hitler -
America says hello!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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From IIFID...
A little Muslim boy can’t find his mother in the supermarket.
He finds a store employee and asks for help.
The store attendant says ‘What does your mother look like?’
The kid says “How the f*ck should I know?”
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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In the wake of Osama Bin Laden's death, Muslims have gone on the rampage in Detroit killing anyone who's Caucasian.
Police fear the death toll could rise as high as 2.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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I am bewildered!
While hiking down along the Don River this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the river. He was struggling to stay afloat due to the guns and bombs he was carrying.
Along with him was a Jamaican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.
If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.
Being a responsible Canadian citizen and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the Guelph police, and the RCMP.
It is now 8 pm,both men have drowned, and neither authority has responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Louisiana State Police had received numerous reports of illegal cork being held in the area around Abbeville and had sent their famous Detective Boudreaux from Thibodeaux to investigate. Boudreaux promptly began his investigation and then reported to his Commander the next morning.
"Dey is tree main groups involve in dis rooster Fightin", he began.
"Good work! Who are they?" the Commander asked.
Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Texas Aggies, de local Cajuns, and de Mafia from N'awlins".
Puzzled, the Commander asked, "Now Boudreaux, how did you find all that out in one night?"
"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat rooster fight in person. And I knowed immedjiately dat dem Aggies was involved when a Duck was entered in the fight."
The Commander nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"
Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when sumbody bet on de duck!"
"Ah, I see, I see ... " sighed the sergeant, "And how did you figure the Mafia was involved?"
"De duck won."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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BWWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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halfasmuch
action hero
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4349
Loc: Upper Oakville
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hmm,
the Baton rouge version of that joke had a dove...instead of a duck.
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The difference between genius and stupidity
is that genius has its limits.
-Albert Einstein
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DjF
little buddie
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 5410
Loc: staring at an empty mailbox...
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Being modest, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." She replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”
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somewhere between "Hi, how can we help you?" and "Get off my lawn!"
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IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8075
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
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The FBI have discovered how to weave Muslim prayer mats out of plastic explosives ....... Apparently prophets are going through the roof!!
The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Iraq and Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches to the bottom of the garden.
I just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!"
Next thing I know 4000 f....g Muslims have added me as a Facebook Friend!!
An Iraqi co-worker told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
Impressed, I asked "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a moustache."
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Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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I was sitting at the traffic light on the highway yesterday next to a car load of Muslims when a big semi-trailer drove right over the top of their car!
"Wow!" I thought, "That could've been me..." So I went and got a CDL.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting continuously.
"That's disgusting!" shouts the girl.
"It's the dog," proclaims the guy.
"Don't blame him," she replies, "he was cooked perfectly."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Brilliant in its simplicity.................
A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.
B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.
C. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.
D. In about two generations, there will be no Democrats.
- I love it when a plan comes together
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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I was standing in a bar in Barcelona and this little Chinese guy comes in
and stands next to me.
I said to him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like
Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?”
He says “No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee”?
No”, I say, "It’s because you’re drinking my beer you slanty eyed little
prick."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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foots
the exterminator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5241
Loc: by my spiritual advisor, Wu
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Shouldn't that have read..........you slanty eyed little plick?
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I was born kicking, screaming, and covered in someone elses blood. I have no problem goin out the same way.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.
1st kid says "A computer".
Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."
2nd kid says "a new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.
Little Johnny pops up and says " At my house we don't need nothin."
The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, "No I'm sure.........."
"When my sister started dating a Muslim, I remember my dad saying, "Well, that's the last forking thing we need."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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From his farm near Yankton, Lars took a trip to a neighboring state and ended up buying a milk cow and trailering it home.
It turned out that milking the new cow was real strange. Every time a teat was touched the cow would fart, and when a teat was pulled the tail would raise and an enormous blast of intestinal gas would erupt.
Lars' friend Sven came by about noon, and Lars took him to the barn to show him the new cow. He got out a milking stool and a bucket, and, ya betcha - as soon as the cow's bag was touched it blew an enormous fart.
Unsurprised, Sven said "Dat dere cow's from Nort' Dakota."
"How'd you know that?", asked Lars.
"My vife's from Nort' Dakota."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces'.
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres.' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand. Do you have a suit?'
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.
The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a garudge, that's where I parks the John Deere.'
The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question. The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?'
The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce'.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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I noticed two large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked,
"Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said... "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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North America's Leading Drug companies have announced that live rabbits will no longer be used in experiments....... Muslims will be used instead. A top scientist has stated that the advantage of using Muslims is that they breed just as fast as rabbits, but you don't become fond of them.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Fox News is already cowering down to the President.....
In response to President Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced that they will now air "America's Most Wanted" TWICE a week.
I don't care who you are, now that's funny!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Why did princess Dianna cross the road?
Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
One time I saw a black dude walking out of my building carrying a tv.
Normally, I wouldn't have paid attention, but I noticed it looked a lot like mine.
So I ran upstairs and burst into my apartment to see if it was still there.
It was; shining my shoes.
A girl is out at the bar one night and spots a black dude on the dance floor.
She starts dancing with him and before they know it they're back at her place on the couch.
She can tell he's horny and ready to go, so she leans close and says "I've always wondered if what they say about black guys is true." "It sure is, baby.', he replies. She leans in even closer and whispers "Then, why don't you prove it to me".
So he stabs her and steals her purse.
What's black and sits at the tops of stairs?
Christopher Reeve in a house fire.
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Christopher Walken.
How many Jews can fit in a Volkswagen?
2 in front, 2 in the back, and 300 in the ashtray.
Why are there trees in Harlem?
Public Transportation.
How do you punish a blind man?
Put a plunger in his toilet.
What do you call a White, Christian terrorist?
Not newsworthy.
Why do all black people have nightmares?
Because the last one that had a dream got shot.
What starts with n and end with r that you don't want to call a black person?
neighbor
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Seems that Poopoo Boudreaux was getting tired of folks picking on him because of his name. He decided to go down to the Social Security Administration one day and have his name changed.
Well, the wife was a little uneasy about all this name changing and met him at the door when he returned.
She said "Mon cher, did you done changed your name?"
Poopoo replies "Dats right. Ain't nobody can ever call me Poopoo Boudreaux anymore."
The wife, still anxious about the days events says, "Well what we gonna call you now.
Her husband triumphantly exclaims "From now on, I'm gonna be Poopoo Thibodeaux
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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" The primary difference between an Islamicized city, like Detroit, and Dannon yogurt is that the yogurt has a living culture."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Did you hear about the guy who had a map of Canada tattooed on his ass?
Every time he sits down Quebec separates..
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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When I was in India recently, I saw a sign that said, 'English speaking taxi driver'.
I thought to myself, "What a brilliant idea. Why don't we have them in Canada ?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Substitute Teacher
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird.
I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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My sexy Chinese neighbor told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only after I had my trousers round my ankles that I realized she wanted to rent her spare room.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States .
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Africa ."
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says,
"Probably at work."
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Paul Dallas
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 1189
Loc: the corner of Bedlam & Squalor
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Heard about this one just yesterday, I'm only the 17 millionth viewer:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=udS-OcNtSWo
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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That's nice, P.D., I actually like her.
Allow me to respond with this one - the star of which is obviously Antoine, the "victim's brother". Now, does laughing at this guy make me racist, homophobic, "just making my own fun", or all of the above??? Bwaaahaaaahaaaa, you can't make this stuff up!
Meet Antoine
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Ole and Sven are walking down a street in Chippewa Falls, WI, (Home of Linenkeugel Beer) when they see a sign on a store that reads, Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, and trousers $2.50 a pair.
Ole says to his pal, "Looky here! We could buy a whole gob of dese, take 'em back to Dulute, Minnesota, sell 'em to our friends and make a fortune. Now when we go in dere, you be quiet, okay? Yust let me do da talkin cuz if dey hear yer accent, dey might tink vee are ignorant and try to cheat us. No way do vee vant dem to know vee're from Minnesota."
They go in and Ole says with his best Wisconsin accent, "I'll take 50 of those suits at $5.00 each, 100 of those shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ...."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Minnesota, aren't you?"
"Vell ...yeah," says a surprised Ole, "How'd ya know dat!?"
"Because this is a dry-cleaners."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Big Eagle applied for a fork lift operator job at a firm based in Prince Albert.
Joe applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and were led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Big Eagle and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give Joe the job.
Big Eagle , "What 'cho mean, why you doin that, you are racist? We both got 19 questions right? This is Prince Albert and I 'm first nations, I should get the job."
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
Big Eagle said, "Tell me how would one wrong answer be better than another?"
Manager, "Simple, On question number 7 Joe wrote down, 'I don’t know.'
You put down, ‘Neither do I’."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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A little oriental woman was in front of me in line at the bank. She was exchanging foreign money for U.S. dollars, and she was upset.
She asked the teller "Why last week I get $108. for ten thousand yen, and today I get only $105."?
The teller shrugged her shoulders and said "Fluctuations."
"Well...... fluct you white people too!", the woman replied.
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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That's it! Here's the word I've been looking for:
Kapoooya
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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NEW DISNEY FILM CANCELLED
Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black" (the non-racist version of "Snow White") has been put on hold.
All of the 7 dwarfs : Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Car Jack, Drive By, Pimp and MoFo, have refused to sing "Hi Hoe".
They also say there is no way in hell "It's off to work we go"!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Insensitive AND politically incorrect:
An elementary school in Utah was planning a musical evening for parents, with each class contributing. The "special ed" class teacher had a big problem, though, as her mentally handicapped students could neither play musical instruments nor sing.
However, the teacher found that they COULD create a rhythm by tapping on objects - in spite of their mental disabilities, they could keep time. Thinking of harmless objects with which these students would not hurt themselves, the teacher gave each pupil an apple and a tiny little, short, stick. Her special-needs class was then able to create quite pleasant sounds by tapping those together in unison.
So the Moron Tap-an-Apple Choir was born.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Quote:
Ozark said:
Insensitive AND politically incorrect:
An elementary school in Utah was planning a musical evening for parents, with each class contributing. The "special ed" class teacher had a big problem, though, as her mentally handicapped students could neither play musical instruments nor sing.
However, the teacher found that they COULD create a rhythm by tapping on objects - in spite of their mental disabilities, they could keep time. Thinking of harmless objects with which these students would not hurt themselves, the teacher gave each pupil an apple and a tiny little, short, stick. Her special-needs class was then able to create quite pleasant sounds by tapping those together in unison.
So the Moron Tap-an-Apple Choir was born.
This belongs in Mel's joke section.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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foots
the exterminator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5241
Loc: by my spiritual advisor, Wu
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
Quote:
Ozark said:
Insensitive AND politically incorrect:
An elementary school in Utah was planning a musical evening for parents, with each class contributing. The "special ed" class teacher had a big problem, though, as her mentally handicapped students could neither play musical instruments nor sing.
However, the teacher found that they COULD create a rhythm by tapping on objects - in spite of their mental disabilities, they could keep time. Thinking of harmless objects with which these students would not hurt themselves, the teacher gave each pupil an apple and a tiny little, short, stick. Her special-needs class was then able to create quite pleasant sounds by tapping those together in unison.
So the Moron Tap-an-Apple Choir was born.
This belongs in Mel's joke section.
No it don't.........that was actually funny.
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I was born kicking, screaming, and covered in someone elses blood. I have no problem goin out the same way.
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Morris is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, and is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? ... the schmuck has a paper route!"
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wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5285
Loc: uphill
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damn----didn't see that one coming
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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That wsn't racist...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5285
Loc: uphill
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but not as good as the girl named La-a
"cause the dash don't be silent"
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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About that Quindarious Hairstyle.....
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Quote:
Ozark said:
About that Quindarious Hairstyle.....
Some day that will be a classic...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
Some day that will be a classic...
I've got a router bit shaped JUST like that - it's for routing drawer track grooves into the inside of cabinet uprights.
Now, if we could chuck ol' Quindarius into something really BIG and get him up to 7500 rpm..........
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The teacher said, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a French boy put his hand up and said, "It was Napoleon." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Pierre, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Maurice, come up here and I'll give you the $2."
As the teacher was giving Maurice his money, she said, "You know Maurice, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Maurice replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Muslim wife complains to her husband that all the romance had gone out of their marriage.
"Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?" she asked.
Yeah," he replied, "But be fair, you were only eight years old at the time !
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."
A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out. In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer. Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually, a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realizing the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No mate, where's ya' dust bin?"
"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, where's ya' wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!!!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5285
Loc: uphill
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wheelie bin
velly funny
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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What's the difference between Santa Claus and a Jew? Santa goes down the chimney.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Damn...
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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This sat idle for a year and a half. It was time to post something.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Muslim walks into his local mosque with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about, Abdul?" Asks the Imam.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies Abdul. "I live by the railroad tracks and on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the rails, like in the American movies. I cut her free and took her back to my humble abode. Allah be praised - we made love all night, all around the tent. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position permitted by Mohammed, Peace Be Upon Him!"
"By the most Merciful," exclaimed the Imam, "you have been blessed. Was she as beautiful as a desert flower?"
Abdul grimaced, "By the Jinn, I do not know - I never found her head."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5285
Loc: uphill
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I wonder how many Homeland Security lists that joke now has us on???
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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It's no worse than 100 other jokes on here.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5285
Loc: uphill
|
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
It's no worse than 100 other jokes on here.
You definitely have a point there--fork'em if they can't take a joke
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Ace Hardware.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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