SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? 
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?"
Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. 
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again,
the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car
on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the power goes out..
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says ."Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Test
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Sometimes The Blonde...
A lawyer and a blonde gal happen to be sitting next to each other on a long flight from L. A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains how the game works. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."
Again the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer figures he's pretty smart and since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer.
"Okay, how about this? If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question . "What's the distance from the earth to the moon ?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and even the
Library of Congress. Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who can't believe he's been outsmarted by a blonde, is going nuts trying to figure it out. He's more than a little frustrated!
He wakes the blonde again and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep !!!!!!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their body parts to approaching drivers.. Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...
"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is .. an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought! about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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I needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "...And where do you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this.....) She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the DARK!"
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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I can't. 
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally...but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up --
DO NOT DO IT!!
THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
Signed...
The Blonde
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Uncle_Bill
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 124
Loc: Boone County
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Check out this Mercedes commercial:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nAs8_N_tDoE
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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Blonde Murder Victim
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
That happened to me once! 
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Two Blondes With Hammers... Carol and Donna, were doing some carpentery work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.
"Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
**********************************************************************************************
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see "Closed for the Winter."
**********************************************************************************************
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"
"No, Silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger."
**********************************************************************************************
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and three blondes were stuck on the escalator for more than four hours.
***********************************************************************************************
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like... HELLO! You need to roll up the windows first."
***********************************************************************************************
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos....it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
"Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing.! ...I'm going to buy it!!"
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked?
"Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blond replied........"Two popsicles and some coffee."
**********************************************************************************************
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter ?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.
" The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest."
"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have a better chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as
usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the
blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
"What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.
"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died too."
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively
more agitated.
"What does it look like? She finally asked.
The policewoman replied "It's square and it has your picture on it.."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
Get ready for this !!
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment building to work on his tan.
Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, he fell asleep and sunburned his John Thomas.
Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with a hot blonde, so, he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze.
The young man's date, a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment for the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast.
After they finished with the dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused.
A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain.
So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk.
He experienced immediate relief.
The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his John Thomas immersed in the glass of milk.
With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed,
"SO, THAT'S HOW YOU RELOAD THOSE THINGS"!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Back a few years ago, I went over to my neighbors house. (She was a blonde), and for some reason she was mad at the world. She had locked herself in the bathroom and was threatening suicide.
I said, "Come on, you know you don't want to do this!"
She said, "I dang well do wanna do this, nobody wants me alive anyways."
For some reason I actually believed her and pushed through the door, and saw she had a rope tied to around her ankles.
I asked "Are you really trying to hang yourself?"
"Yeah, so what?"
"Well, usually when people hang themselves they tie the rope around their necks"
"Yeah, well, I tried that, but then I couldn't breathe.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Miss Teen USA 2007 - South Carolina answers a question
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports
car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on
it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it
and handed it to
the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I'll let Mel handle this one... 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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-heh-
Tell him not until after my anger management classes!
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Ms. Bud,
I thought you had said you carried a round mirror. When did you change?
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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Now you know why I don't live in a cut & paste world, that it's always better to write your own jokes. 
I really must go now. I have to be in Oswego on Friday, and have found that the Audi drafts really well, and gets better gas mileage when a Crossfire is on the highway ahead of it.
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I'm packing my car now, then heading down to the highway, so I can watch for a Crossfire, while idling with the air conditioning on!
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