SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's private area is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's...
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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What She Wants...
What I Want In A Man! Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
What I Want in a Man- Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
What I Want in a Man-Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man-Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man-Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6.. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10.. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man- Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing..
2. Doesn't miss the toilet..
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two women are chatting in office.
Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
Woman 2: Yes.
Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light forking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Overheard at a class reunion.
"I don't want to brag or make anybody jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Rachel, Clare and Judy haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Rachel arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine. Then Judy walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Rachel explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .
Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples , Florida .
Judy explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Bubba. They ride a Harley, have a small garden to grow their own vegetables and have a couple horses. She also tells them Bubba can stand five parrots, side by side, on his willy.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel blurts out the her husband is a cashier at Walmart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby a storage facility.
Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .
Judy says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
Edited by SwampFox (07/31/10 03:09 PM)
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Why Haven't They Sent Women to the Moon?
Because it doesn't need cleaning.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Burrhead
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3075
Loc: Just north of Bugtussle
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
Rachel, Clare and Judy haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Rachel arrives first,...
Clare arrives shortly afterward,...
Then Samantha walks in,...
Who's Samantha and what does she have to do with this story?  
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Somebody has to walk the point.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Beats me, but I fixed it for you.
No extra charge... 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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A guy came into a meeting one day with two black eyes. One of his pals asked him how he got them.
The guy replied that a woman had stood up in front of him at church, and he had noticed that her skirt was pulled up into her butt cheeks, and he had pulled it down. Whereupon, she promptly poked him in the eye.
The pal said that explained the one black eye, but what about the other.
The guy said he figured that the woman wanted her skirt to be pulled up that way so the next time she stood up, he put it back up there.......
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.
No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.
It’s wine that does all that.......
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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While creating Husbands, God promised Women that good and ideal Husbands would be found in all corners of the world.
...and then he made the earth round.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Boob Job In 30 Minutes!
Owing to the advance in medical technology, surgical technique and the fact that silicone breast implants have been determined to be perfectly safe, a California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about 30 minutes.
They are going to call the practice, "Jiffy Boob."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man relies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “The Mrs.”
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors.
After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun."
The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she'sabout to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes.
Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.
Afterward, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"
"Yes, how did you know?"
"I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."
"Oh, that makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?"
"Yeah," says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?"
"Because I didn't feel a thing."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I’ve just heard from a friend in England.
Ed says it has been snowing heavily for three days now.
His wife has done nothing but stare through the window.
If it doesn't stop soon he’ll probably have to let her in.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Woke up this morning a bit late, about 8:15 ish.
Called down to the wife for breakfast and got no answer.
Got up and went downstairs to the kitchen and there she was, face down on the floor.
Dead!
At that moment I completely lost it, my whole world fell apart, tears were welling in my eyes.............
Then a moment of pure inspiration........
....McDonalds does Breakfast until 10:30 !
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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