SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man is sitting at home on the verandah with his wife, drinking a beer, and he says "I love you."
She asks "Is that you or the beer talking?"
He replies "It's me............. talking to the beer."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Importaint Demographical Info For Men
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman, a Texas A&M University graduate, as President of the United States, Susan Boudreaux.
A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says, 'So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'
I don't think so. It's a 30 hour drive, your mother isn't as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'
'Don't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'
'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?'
Oh Dad, replies Susan, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York.
'Honey,' Dad complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'
The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Dad. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, I'll ensure your meals are salt free Dad, I really want you to come.'
So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Boudreaux is being sworn in as President of the United States.
In the front row sits the new president's Dad and Mom. Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States.'
The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do.'
Dad says proudly, 'Her brother played football at Texas A&M.'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking.
He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.
Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand.
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED.
I beg to differ because, there is:
When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE".
And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ....
"COMPLETELY FINISHED" !!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A sixty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?, What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old".
The husband said, "What did he say about your Sixty-eight year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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An elderly man was stopped by a policeman at 1 a.m. and asked what he was doing out that late and where he was going.
"I'm going" he said, "to attend a lecture on alcohol abuse and its effects on relationships and on the human body."
"Who's giving a lecture about that at this time of night?", asked the cop.
"That would be my wife."
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67Firebird
Former political advocate
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 9172
Loc: Russellville, Mo
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I find myself curiously aroused...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ER2OHR6CE9M
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I wonder how many time she took that ride? 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Quote:
GoGop said:
I find myself curiously aroused...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ER2OHR6CE9M
ditto
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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This guy is sitting at home alone when he
hears a knock on the front door.
There are two sheriff's deputies there; he
asks if there is a problem.
One of the deputies asks if he is married,
and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.
The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture
of his wife. The sheriff says,
"I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your
wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy says, " I know, but she has a great
personality and is an excellent cook. "
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for sex for quite a while now.
Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire.
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty-dollar bill, and gives it to him. She says, "Awww, honey you're so depressed... Here, take this and go to the woman next door, and she will let you sleep with her tonight.. But remember that this happens only once. Ok? Don't think about it or ask me to do this again."
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.
A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment, "She said this is not enough, she wants sixty dollars."
The wife's face slowly turns red with anger: "Damn that biatch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here I only charged him fifty!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. After all, housework was woman's work!
But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished; something's up.
It turned out that Charley read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.
The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."
"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.
"Oh, that was perfect too.  Charley was too tired!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.
And then He made the earth round.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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An interesting story. I think the 'possum was a nice touch!
http://miami.cbslocal.com/2011/09/20/cops-use-sex-toy-to-snare-alleged-prostitute/
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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What kind of pansy assed cop hit's ther brakes for a possum?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
What kind of pansy assed cop hit's ther brakes for a possum?
Only for imaginary 'possums.
Hey:
A Male Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, Will you marry me?
The Princess said, No!!! And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The End.
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DjF
little buddie
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 5410
Loc: staring at an empty mailbox...
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at least I can leave the toilet seat up!!!
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somewhere between "Hi, how can we help you?" and "Get off my lawn!"
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Renault & Ford joining up:
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus.' It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real biatch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Women are basically greedy : They want all things from one man .
Men are so simple: They want only one thing from all women ..
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk', worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers... and the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina'?
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. 'Do you have a vagina'?
'Yes' she says.
The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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