SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica . Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'
"We proceeded a little further her and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time.
My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you , Woman?! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you friggin crazy!?' She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'
"And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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STTH
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 423
Loc: Turd Crick
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TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you just lay there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
KEEP READING.......
=====================================================
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't
get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the
sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,
"Would
you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to
breathe.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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When the gynecologist confirmed her suspicion that she was pregnant, Anni got a little scared. "It'll be my first baby," she confessed With a blush, "and actually I don't know the first thing about how Babies are delivered."
"Don't worry about a thing," reassured the doctor. "It's really not all that different from how the baby got started in the first place."
Startled, Anni exclaimed, "You mean, five tequila shooters and then a Ride on Charlie's truck?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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67Firebird
Former political advocate
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 9172
Loc: Russellville, Mo
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail then.One day for each peach ."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, " She also stole a can of peas."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A little old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco!"
Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Ma'am, the Crisco is in aisle 3."
The old lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband. He's in here somewhere."
The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is Crisco?"
The old lady answers, "Oh, no. I only call him that when we'r e out in public."
"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"
"Lardass."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Guess the gender..
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man asked a woman if she had ever had magic sex.
The woman replied no. She excitedly asked "How do you have magic sex?"
He said "Well, we will have sex then you will disappear."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Subject: Installing a Husband
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5..0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
(and NASCAR 500.0)
Conversation 8..0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
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Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "I Thought You Loved Me.exe" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5 .
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Bad men want their women like cigarettes; slender, trim, to be selected without much tho't, set aflame and when the flame has subsided, discarded.
Fastidious men want their women to be like a cigar. They are more expensive, make a better appearance, last longer; and after all, if the brand is good, they are seldom discarded.
Good men want their women like their pipe, something he becomes attached to. Knocks gently buy lovingly, fondles in a dreamy sentimental mood. Gives the greatest of care and consideration.
A man will give you a cigarette, offer you a cigar but he never shares his pipe.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Transformative Effects of Marriage on the Y-chromosome
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.'
The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'
The married one then said: 'Well, last night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.
My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV remote and a beer, plopped his fat ass on the couch and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"
So the first fella did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the hell?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back, "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow.'"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Paul was teeing off from the back tees. On his down-swing, he suddenly realized that his wife, Alison, was about to tee off from the red tees, directly in his path.
Unable to stop his down swing he nailed the ball, hit Alison directly in the right temple, killing her instantly.
A few days later Paul received a call from the coroner concerning her autopsy .
"Paul, your wife seems to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and struck her in the temple. Is that correct?"
"Yes sir," Paul replied, "that's correct."
"Well, Paul, I also found a large bruise on Allison's right hip. Do you know anything about that?"
"Yes sir," Paul said, "That would have been my second shot."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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When I got home from work last night,
my wife insisted that I take her out to some place expensive...............
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
So I took her to a gas station !!!!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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locked up
snake charmer!!
Reged: 01/24/08
Posts: 691
Loc: pit city mo
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Why do you ask?
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts 'this is a robbery - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off
his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head
and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'. The robber notices
another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots
him in the head also.
'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before an elderly male voice is heard from a distant corner..
'I think my missus might've caught a glimpse....'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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One day, long, long ago.......
there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or complain.
But this was a long time ago.......
and it was just that one day.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right to the nuts. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he asked,“How bad is it, Doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin.”
The doctor said, “I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay in about two weeks.” Then the doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentioned none of this to his girl and the two got married. On their honeymoon night, she opened her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts and told him, “You’ll be the first; no one has ever touched these before.”
The new bridegroom dropped his pants and said, “Look at this — it’s still in the crate!”
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy chit, That must be my husband!'
So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and then started to run as fast as he could to his car.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, 'I have praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'
You could hear an audiblegasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'
Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, 'Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say,with time, his scrotum should recover completely.'
All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, 'Hi, I'm Jim, and I want to tell my wife, the word is sternum.'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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God Bless our Troops!
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