SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she scream ed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A soldier, running very fast, came to a fork in the road and saw a Catholic nun.
Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirt for a few minutes? I'll explain why later."
The nun agreed. A moment later two military police officers came running and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier on this road?"
The nun replied, "Yes, he went that-a-way." After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under the skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough. I don't want to go to Iraq."
The nun said, "I fully understand."
The soldier added, "And I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher up, you would have also seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Iraq either."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out.
He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it, behind her.
Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.
After business was finished, Dad went to check on little Johnny.
He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.
Dad yelled,"Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"
Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when it's YOUR mom, is it?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused,
because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is
good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you
something else, boy, your g randma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says "Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed ......"Not with a carnation"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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All kidding aside, the above joke was in the Humor in Uniform section of the Reader's Digest about 40 years ago. That time, it was a navy admiral, and the flower was a dafodil. It was funny then, and it is still funny in the various forms I have seen. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Mel, I remember it from "Humor in Uniform" also. One thing about getting to a certain age - you get to see things come around again. Jokes stick around for a long, long time.
Here's one I've always liked that I bet dates from the 1920's because it deals with a hand-cranked wall telephone.
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A little farmer lived alone outside of town, and he stuttered and couldn't talk plain. He decided to finally get a telephone installed like his neighbors had.
He stopped by the telephone office in town and placed his order, and a couple of days later two big guys from the phone company came, ran a wire to the highway, and installed a phone on his kitchen wall.
As soon as they left, he tried to make his first call.
(crank, crank, crank) "Operator."
"G-g-gimme one tree tree fo' fi', peas."
"Excuse me, sir?"
"O-o-one tree tree fo' fi', peas."
"I can't understand you, sir."
"O-O-ONE TREE TREE FO' FI'!"
The Operator got snooty and said "Sir, you're going to have to talk better than that or you can't make a call."
That made the little farmer mad, and he said "Y-y-you can jusht take thish phone and shhtick it up your asshh.", and he slammed it down.
The next morning the two big guys from the phone company knocked on the farmer's door. One of them said "Sir, we don't allow people to talk to our women like that. Now, you've got a choice - you can call the operator up and apologize right now, or we're going to remove your telephone."
The little farmer calmly walked to the telephone.
(crank, crank, crank) "Operator."
"A-a-are you the operator I told to shhtick this ph-ph-phone up her asshh?"
Still offended, the operator said "I CERTAINLY am!"
"W-w-well, get r-r-ready. Th-they're bringing it in!"
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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That is one funny joke. Those that never had to deal with crank phones, operators, or party lines just don't know what they missed. I think the folks in our town got their first dial phones in the late 1950s. Up til then, you told the operator what number you wanted; the crank phones were gone in town by then.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Yeah, I used to stay with an aunt and uncle in a small Missouri town that had party lines and operators. Those operators did things that computers can't do, though cell phones make up for it, I guess.
"Hi, Susie. Give me Joe Warren, please."
"Hi. Joe's not home, I saw him go in the barbershop. I'll ring him over there."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Hop
Reged: 12/16/06
Posts: 1801
Loc: Now that's a 10-2 Code
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A Traveling Salesman was driving down the road and all of a sudden he say a Nun on the side of the road that had run out of gas.
The salesman stopped to see if he could help.. He said "Sister I can go get some gas for you so you can be on your way." The Nun said "Thank You Dear Man".
The salesman returned and put the gas in her vehicle.. she said "Thank You! Let me pay you!"
The salesman said "Oh No Sister I could not take a dime from you I am sure you would have done the same for me".
The Nun said "Is there anything I can do for you? I would do anything!"
Well the salesman looked at her and thought to himself.. I bet she looks hot under that habit she's wearing"...
He looks oe at her and says, "I aint never made love to a nun before!"
She looks at him and said you are not going to either my Son" in a disgusted look.
He got some embarrassed and almost to tears...Over and Over he kept saying"I am so Sorry Sister!"
And as he was walking to his car the Non said."Come here a Min....First of All are you Married?" he Reepplies well no Sister!"
She then says to him."When I took my Oath I swore never to have my vagina penitrated.. But there are other things we can do to repay you". She said "Heads or Tails".. he said "Oh how about Both!"
Well when they finshed and he got all situated he looked back at her and said. "Sister I have something to admit to you... I Lied. I am Married."
She looked at him and said.. "That Okay Cause I Lied to You.. My Name is Actually Bob and I was on my way to a Gay Costume Party!"
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Visit us at: http://flocked-N-Locked.com
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A cowboy riding across the desert sees an indian lying naked on top of a sand dune with his hard-on sticking straight in the air.
The cowboy rides up and asks the indian: What ARE you doin??
the indian says: Me tell time.
How you gonna do that? asks the cowboy.
Sun cast shadow 'cross dick, Tell Time! says the indian.
the cowboy rides off shaking his head and says: Whatever!??
After a few more miles the cowboy comes across another indian laying naked on a sand dune with his dick straight up in the air.
The cowboy asks: Ok, now what are YOU doin???
the indian says: Me tell time.
How you gonna do that? asks the cowboy.
Sun cast shadow 'cross dick, Tell Time! says the indian.
the cowboy rides off shaking his head and says: Yeah, RIGHT!
a couple of miles later the cowboy sees an indian sitting indian style on a sand dune jerking off like there's no tomorrow.
The cowboy asks: I hate to ask, but what do you think you're doin???
the indian replies: Me Wind Watch
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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VASELINE !!!!
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well it's quite simple really " says the seller " whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night his girlfriend Sandra invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house Sandra stops him and says "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."
"When we eat dinner we don't talk. In fact the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem" he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs in the corridor everywhere he looks dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and sure enough no one says a word. As dinner progresses Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still nobody says a word. So he stands up grabs her rips her clothes off throws her on the table and screws her right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body" he thinks. So he grabs the mom bends her over the dinner table and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling but still total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts "All right that's enough I'll do the damned dishes!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
Edited by SwampFox (03/15/08 02:45 PM)
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Top this for a speeding ticket!
Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar.
One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.
The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.
Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.
Back at the CHIPs Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander The reply came back in true USMC style:
Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location. Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.
The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, The officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.
Thank you for your concern.
Semper Fi
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man left his local saloon late one warm summer evening, and headed, somewhat erratically, toward home. The shortest route led through a cemetery. Being a level-headed sort, even in his condition, he thought nothing of it.
Unfortunately, there was not enough light for him to notice a freshly-dug grave. In he tumbled. Fortunately, the hole was otherwise unoccupied.
After a few attempts at leaping to safety, and about the same number of equally ineffective yells for help, the inconvenienced gentleman settled down in a corner to await the arrival of day and the sexton. Soon he was asleep.
An hour later another patron of the same establishment also attempted to navigate the cemetery. Unlike his predecessor, he found his besotted mind filled with anxiety about all kinds and manner of ghoulies, ghosties, long-leggedy beasties, and things that go bump ... and there he was, down in the same hole. Frantically, he screamed for assistance. Putting forth every effort of which his inebriated frame was capable, he did his best to elevate himself to the safety of ground level. To no avail.
Of course, the previous victim was eventually awakened by all the commotion. Guessing what was going on, he said in a sleepy voice, "You can't get out of here by jumping."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a
robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 13 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?", they asked. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project" said Tommy. The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I'm ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha and whacked her too.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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An Austrian woman is like a good wine.
Best left to mature in a cellar.
I've just bought this Austrian girls diary off ebay. Its not very interesting it just says:
Monday: Stayed in
Tuesday: Stayed in
Wednesday: Stayed in.
Austrian authorities have said that Josef Fritzl has been improving as a father as of late. In fact, police have said that he has "Been coming into his own".
The Austrians have taken their fondness for the Sound of Music too far. They even have their own Von Trapped family.
Just when we thought Madeleine McCann was pixxing the World Hide & Seek Record, some Austrian bird romps home with a 24 year claim!
An Austrian journalist asked a neighbour how long he had known Josef Fritzls ' daughter Alice. “Alice” he replied “Who the f**k is Alice? You mean for 24 years I’ve been living next door to Alice?!”
Official advice on sex education for Austrian teenagers is to keep them in the dark as long as possible.
Austrian authorities are worried by the rapid drop in stag nights after it was learnt they actually do lock up their daughters.
The Austrian interbred Fritzl family have been moved to a safe place, where it is believed they will blend in seamlessly into the local society... Hobart, Tasmania
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: How To Get Rid Of A One Night Stand...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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CNN reports that gas stations will start showing PORN movies on the screens of the pumps so that you can see someone else get screwed at the same time you do.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
CNN reports that gas stations will start showing PORN movies on the screens of the pumps so that you can see someone else get screwed at the same time you do.
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