Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
|
|
INSENSITIVE JOKES
On Senior Citizens day they had a quiz which I lost by two points. The question, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?" Apparently, the correct answer was Africa.
One of the other questions was name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Negroes and Mexicans is not the correct answer either.
I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
My wife told me I was no longer romantic, so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night. Problem was, she sucks at snooker and eight-ball.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastage and Marge is a skinny broad with big blue hair."
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know, 4000 Muslims added me as a friend!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastage."
The CIA has discovered how to weave Muslim prayer mats out of plastic explosives. Apparently prophets are going through the roof!
The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
|
STTH
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 423
Loc: Turd Crick
|
|
The other day I was at the ATM and a 1 legged Ni-ger with no arms said "check my balance" so I pushed the forker over.
--------------------
|
Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
|
|
This just in......
Playboy reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4 Million to pose nude in their February issue...
Michelle Obama was offered 50 bucks by National Geographic.....
And in other news.....
We all remember the KFC "Hillary Meal"--- two small breasts and two big thighs.
Now, KFC has announced an addition to their chicken dinners. It's called the "Obama Cabinet Bucket".
It's all left wings and a-holes.
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone and jewelry to the charity shop. Sell my car, take my front door key and throw me out of the house."
Well . . . she didn't put it exactly that way. Actually, what she said was, "Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the
food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a massive failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Canada: We all hung up as soon as we heard the East Indian accent.
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
cook
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 1750
Loc: in my underwear
|
|
Quote:
SwampFox said:
My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone and jewelry to the charity shop. Sell my car, take my front door key and throw me out of the house."
Well . . . she didn't put it exactly that way. Actually, what she said was, "Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."
 
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
A black woman in New Orleans was admitted into the hospital for a "pregnancy termination". Two weeks later she received a check for $5,000.
She phoned the hospital to ask who it was from. The hospital said,"Crimestoppers."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
|
|
I saw a T-shirt on the Internet last night that I really like.
It has a picture of Osama bin Laden with the caption:
Tell Hitler -
America says hello!
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
From IIFID...
A little Muslim boy can’t find his mother in the supermarket.
He finds a store employee and asks for help.
The store attendant says ‘What does your mother look like?’
The kid says “How the f*ck should I know?”
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
In the wake of Osama Bin Laden's death, Muslims have gone on the rampage in Detroit killing anyone who's Caucasian.
Police fear the death toll could rise as high as 2.
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
I am bewildered!
While hiking down along the Don River this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the river. He was struggling to stay afloat due to the guns and bombs he was carrying.
Along with him was a Jamaican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.
If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.
Being a responsible Canadian citizen and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the Guelph police, and the RCMP.
It is now 8 pm,both men have drowned, and neither authority has responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps!
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
The Louisiana State Police had received numerous reports of illegal cork being held in the area around Abbeville and had sent their famous Detective Boudreaux from Thibodeaux to investigate. Boudreaux promptly began his investigation and then reported to his Commander the next morning.
"Dey is tree main groups involve in dis rooster Fightin", he began.
"Good work! Who are they?" the Commander asked.
Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Texas Aggies, de local Cajuns, and de Mafia from N'awlins".
Puzzled, the Commander asked, "Now Boudreaux, how did you find all that out in one night?"
"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat rooster fight in person. And I knowed immedjiately dat dem Aggies was involved when a Duck was entered in the fight."
The Commander nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"
Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when sumbody bet on de duck!"
"Ah, I see, I see ... " sighed the sergeant, "And how did you figure the Mafia was involved?"
"De duck won."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
|
|
BWWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
|
halfasmuch
action hero
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4349
Loc: Upper Oakville
|
|
hmm,
the Baton rouge version of that joke had a dove...instead of a duck.
--------------------
The difference between genius and stupidity
is that genius has its limits.
-Albert Einstein
|
DjF
little buddie
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 5410
Loc: staring at an empty mailbox...
|
|
Being modest, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." She replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”
--------------------
somewhere between "Hi, how can we help you?" and "Get off my lawn!"
|
IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8066
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
|
|
The FBI have discovered how to weave Muslim prayer mats out of plastic explosives ....... Apparently prophets are going through the roof!!
The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Iraq and Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches to the bottom of the garden.
I just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!"
Next thing I know 4000 f....g Muslims have added me as a Facebook Friend!!
An Iraqi co-worker told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
Impressed, I asked "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a moustache."
--------------------
Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
I was sitting at the traffic light on the highway yesterday next to a car load of Muslims when a big semi-trailer drove right over the top of their car!
"Wow!" I thought, "That could've been me..." So I went and got a CDL.
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
A young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting continuously.
"That's disgusting!" shouts the girl.
"It's the dog," proclaims the guy.
"Don't blame him," she replies, "he was cooked perfectly."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
|
|
Brilliant in its simplicity.................
A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.
B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.
C. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.
D. In about two generations, there will be no Democrats.
- I love it when a plan comes together
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
I was standing in a bar in Barcelona and this little Chinese guy comes in
and stands next to me.
I said to him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like
Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?”
He says “No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee”?
No”, I say, "It’s because you’re drinking my beer you slanty eyed little
prick."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
foots
the exterminator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5241
Loc: by my spiritual advisor, Wu
|
|
Shouldn't that have read..........you slanty eyed little plick?
--------------------
I was born kicking, screaming, and covered in someone elses blood. I have no problem goin out the same way.
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.
1st kid says "A computer".
Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."
2nd kid says "a new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.
Little Johnny pops up and says " At my house we don't need nothin."
The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, "No I'm sure.........."
"When my sister started dating a Muslim, I remember my dad saying, "Well, that's the last forking thing we need."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
|
|
From his farm near Yankton, Lars took a trip to a neighboring state and ended up buying a milk cow and trailering it home.
It turned out that milking the new cow was real strange. Every time a teat was touched the cow would fart, and when a teat was pulled the tail would raise and an enormous blast of intestinal gas would erupt.
Lars' friend Sven came by about noon, and Lars took him to the barn to show him the new cow. He got out a milking stool and a bucket, and, ya betcha - as soon as the cow's bag was touched it blew an enormous fart.
Unsurprised, Sven said "Dat dere cow's from Nort' Dakota."
"How'd you know that?", asked Lars.
"My vife's from Nort' Dakota."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces'.
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres.' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand. Do you have a suit?'
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.
The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a garudge, that's where I parks the John Deere.'
The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question. The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?'
The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce'.
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
I noticed two large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked,
"Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said... "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
