SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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One Extra Kinky Dream!
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a concerned look on his face.
"Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it again!"
"What dream?" asked the psychiatrist.
"You know," says the man, "the one where I'm into sadism and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried. . . or am I just beating a dead horse?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:
His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh
I see you smiling . . .. there ya Gogh!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Gogh away...... 
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God Bless our Troops!
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Burrhead
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3075
Loc: Just north of Bugtussle
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
Didn't she actually work at the Whisky a Gogh Gogh?
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Somebody has to walk the point.
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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I think a couple of you need to Gogh fly a kite. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it"."But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested."Don't you know who
I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire .... and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with... transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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I am begging you......
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The problem is that no matter how stupid the joke it still gets a chuckle. 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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foots
the exterminator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5241
Loc: by my spiritual advisor, Wu
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
The problem is that no matter how stupid the joke it still gets a chuckle.
Maybe from pitbull. 
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I was born kicking, screaming, and covered in someone elses blood. I have no problem goin out the same way.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression ... "He who has a Tate's is lost!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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A group of cowboys riding with the sheriff were following a band of outlaws. They were not gaining on them at all. The sheriff asked for suggestions. One of the cowboys said, "We could add a male bovine to our group."The sheriff nodded and said,
"That's posse bull."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Ever wonder what the girls at the bakery do when they go to war??
They go in with all buns glazing...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Dear friends,
I have some very sad news out of Duluth this morning to share with everyone.
This will bring about change in North Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, and even parts of Canada. There will be far reaching ramifications that will strike at the very core of our heritage and souls.
To those in the rest of the country and world, I must report the tragic news that Ole was shot. He was up by the Canadian border on his 4-wheeler cutting some trees when some rangers looking for terrorists spotted him. According to the news reports, the rangers shouted to him over a loudspeaker, "Who are you and what are you doing?"
Ole shouted back, "OLE..... BIN LOGGIN'!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Irish have sent two warships to the Middle East.
One of them is filled with sand; and the other is filled with cement.
They are obviously planning a mortar attack!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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3 guys are stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean. They have 4 cigarettes between them and nothing else. They each manage to smoke one cigarette. How?
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They threw one overboard...and the boat became a cigarette lighter.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An injun scout was guiding Gen Custer across the great plains when he came to an abrupt halt and leaped from his horse. He placed his ear to the ground then stood and said, "buffalo come."
"How can you tell?" asked Custer.
"Ear stick-um to ground."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Engineering Conversion Factors you may not know about.
01. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
02. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
03. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
04. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
05. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
06. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
07. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year
08. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
09. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line
13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle
16. 365 days = 1 unicycle
17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
18. 10 cards = 1 decacard
19. 52 cards = 1 deckacards
20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
24. 10 rations = 1 decoration
25. 100 rations = 1 C-Ration
26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
27. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
28. 5 nautical miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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BruceCarp
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 802
Loc: central MO
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good!
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crappie fisherman & waterfowl hunter
retired Army
But wait a minute I think I have another bite!!!!
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