SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Quote:
Ozark said:
Quote:
SwampFox said:
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."
Good golly, I remember that awful joke from one of the first TV shows I ever watched. Milton Berle, 1952.
And I've been trying to forget it for 54 years.
When you check the "Just For Mel" thread you takes your chances. 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Quote:
Mel said:
Dang, Ozark!!! You gots to be as old as me. Bwaaaahahahahahahahahahaa!!!!!
Yeah, I remember that rabbit joke because I thought it was funny - when I was SIX. I probably told it to all my little friends.
Milton Berle - I think there was something kinda queer about that guy. He always managed to take his britches off sometime during the show. Hmmmmm.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Bubba was extremely proud that he was going to be an uncle for the first time and even better his sister was giving birth to twins.
The only bad news in the whole situation was that his Brother-in-Law was out of town when unexpectedly his sister went into labor.
Being the man that he is Bubba volunteered to help his sister in her hour of need.
After a long and ardous 20 hour labor she gave birth to a beautiful set of twins one boy and one girl.
While she was recovering after the birth she told the nurse that if she had any questions she should ask Bubba and let her rest.
While the hospital staff was getting all their paperwork filled in they noticed that the form for the birth certificates was incomplete they children had no names.
When they asked Bubba about it he replied "Oh I know that to call them."
We'll name the girl Denise and the boy Denephew.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Sounds just like Bubba! 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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JAMES(age 4) was listening to a Bible story.
His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt ."
Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Which item in this set of four does not belong?
A. Crayfish
B. Chinese schoolboy under a boulder
C. Lobster
D. Salmon
The correct answer is D.
A salmon is a fish.
The other three items are crustaceans.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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You must have meant that last one for Fowlmouth. He goes in for those oriental types. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
"I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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SF,
Surely, you can do better than this! 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Did you hear that Rene Descartes disappeared?
Wait a minute, we already did that one..... 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Wasn't going to draw another map? Er............wait a minute, it was another mathematical formula he was working on when he vanished. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
I repeated the gestures."Eye - Kneed - The Rake" My wife replied that she understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"
She replies, "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush" !!!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Mozart Beyond the Grave
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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OMG!!!! 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psychopath.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroid's.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Why are there so many Johnson's in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with .. the other is used to carry groceries.
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck.
The bartender says, "All right, I'll let ya stay---but don't start nuthin."
Charlie Manson is sitting before the parole board. He says, "Is it hot in here or am I crazy?"
Did you hear about the Amish woman who wanted a divorce?
Her husband was driving her buggy.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter. He won't come anyway.
What's the different between a Jehovah's Witness and a Yugo?
You can slam the door on a Jehovah's Witness.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8066
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
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What do you call a dog with no back legs and steel balls?
Sparky
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Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Running Doe A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam.
After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however."
"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
" Well, you have no nipples."
"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.
"That is Amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don't mind.
She said, "OK."
"First of All" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.
Running Doe Replied, "We're called "The Indiannippleless Five Hundred "
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, "the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Do you sometimes get the sudden urge to run around naked?
Drink some Windex.
It will keep you from streaking.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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 . That was Reallllyyyy Baaaddddd.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Glad you approve.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blown apart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8066
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
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A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe."
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Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
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IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8066
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
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A bear walks into a bar an says to the bar tender, "I would like a bourbon and...... a coke." The bar tender says "What's up with the big pause?" The bear said "I've had them all my life"
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Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
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