SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
How many bones does a rooster have in his neck?
Just enough to hold up his pecker.
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder.
Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky.
Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
|
|
I now renounce all connections with this thread. 
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
I've been dating this little midget gal.
I'm just nuts over her. 
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
A debt collector knocked on the door of a country family, that made their living weaving cloth.
"Is Jack home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
"Im sorry," the woman replied. "Jack's gone for cotton."
A few weeks later the collector tried again. "Is Jack here today?"
Once again the answer was "No, sir, I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."
When he returned for the third time and Jack was still nowhere to be seen, he complained, "I suppose Jack is gone for cotton again?"
"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Jack died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Jack's tombstone, with this inscription: ...
"Gone, But Not for Cotton."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good person. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to learn a trade while doing his time.
Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community. And he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a model inmate.
One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him.
To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help.
"But you're an expert, Andy, and I really need your help," said the warden.
"Gosh, warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Professor Jones was a brilliant English professor who got hooked on crack. He got busted and sent to prison.
While he was there, he wrote letters for the illiterate inmates and prepared legal requests and became quite popular. Unfortunately, improper grammar incensed him to a state of rage.
About two years into a nickle sentence, he got into an argument with another inmate who wanted him to write a letter for him. Professor Jones saw the original and became enraged at the poor writing. Words were exchanged, and the inmate finally pulled a shank and stabbed the Professor low in the stomach. Surgery was required to save the professor's life.
Ironically, the professor had to finish his sentence with a semi-colon.
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
A Zen Buddist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, "Make me One with Everything."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
This tribe of warriors was going to war with another tribe the following day and the Shan was rallying his troops for the upcoming battle.
That evening, he took his armsman into confidence.
"My dear friend and confidante, I must tell you something. Of late, I have been afflicted by these strange seizures. I become paralyzed and cannot move. I need you to help me if one should seize me during the battle tomorrow. I need you to give me this potion which will stop the seizure so I can continue to lead our men to victory." and he handed his armsman a flask.
The next day, sure enough, in the middle of the battle, with swords hacking and arrows flying, the Shan is struck by a seizure. His faithful armsman fights his way to his master's side and stops to administer the potion to the fallen Shan.
Suddenly, he is struck by several arrows and hacked apart by enemy footmen.
The moral of the story is...
Hang back when the fit hits the Shan...
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Nate worked as a guard at the Nuclear Power plant. His only job was to protect the self-destruct "Handle". If this "handle" were ever to be pulled it would wipe out life as we know it. One day some men were working on a scaffold, above Nate, changing light bulbs..... One of them fell and was heading right for the "handle", Nate did his job and protected the "handle" from the fallin man.. Nate died ... do you know what they wrote on his Tombstone???????????.
BETTER NATE, THAN LEVER............
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
On the remote island of Jimbalwee, there were two tribes. The Oontas and the Pingus. These two tribes had lived in relative peace for many generations.
That was, until the king of the Oontas found a treasure chest of pirate gold and jewels. Not having any use for coins, the king had all the gold melted down and fashioned into a wonderous throne. The throne was beautiful, nearly solid gold and encrusted with the jewels. He had the throne placed ceremoniously on the ground floor of his grass hut "palace" where all who entered could see him in his glory. Every day, he would come down from the upper floor of his hut (where he slept) and would sit on his throne and rule.
Then, the king of the Pingus tribe heard about the throne and gathered his warriors around him. He was determined to take the throne from the Oonta king. They then marched across the island to take the throne.
But the Oontas king heard about the plan and he and a couple of his strongest men tried to hide the throne in the upper level of the palace. They no sooner got the throne up to the upper floor when the entire floor collapsed, killing them all.
The moral of the story...
People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass - not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it.
One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found. As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning.
When he awoke, he went outside, and saw that his dog had eaten the grass all in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun.
Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Things were miserable in the land of the Trids. They were a tribe of small people who inhabited a valley.
The mountains to their west blocked the moisture from the sea so their land was parched and grew little. As a result hunger was the predominant condition.
The land between the mountains and the sea received abundant rainfall and grew crops which were plentiful. This land was inhabited by a giant who was loathe to share his bounty with his little neighbors in the valley.
One day a council was held and the Trids decided to send a delegation of dignitaries to try and reason with the giant. The climbed to the top of the mountains and summoned the giant, who came up to them in frightful bounds.
They respectfully explained the situation as they saw it and laid out a request for the giant to share his surplus with them. Upon the completion of their speil, the giant drew back his leg and kicked them all off the mountain back down into the valley. Many were killed and the rest were terribly injured.
After a number of years passed, it was decided to once again approach the giant. This time it was hard to get up a delegation, but the elected leaders were finally forced to go as a representative body.
After eloquently presenting their case to the giant, they were summarily booted back into their valley with the resulting deaths and injuries.
After a suitable time, it was once again decided that someone needed to talk to the giant. It was decided that perhaps it was a mistake to go in large numbers, so it fell to the tribe's holy man to go and intercede on behalf of the people.
He climbed the mountain and summoned the giant. He appealed to the giant's better nature, explaining God's plan for everyone to benefit from his bounty and goodness. As he finished, the giant rubbed his chin thoughtfully, then hauled off and kicked the holy man back into the valley.
As he tumbled head-over-heels through space, the holy man managed to cry out, "Why do you do this to us?"
To this, the giant replied, "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
|
|
Thought for the day...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
If you sometimes get the sudden urge to run around naked. Drink some Windex. It will keep you from streaking.
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
There were once two bakers shops in a small village. They were in fierce competition, with half the village going to one, and the other half shopping at the other.
One day, one of the bakers bought himself a new device that he found for sale in the city - it was a bread slicing machine, which could slice four loaves at once, using four large blades.
Suddenly, he found himself getting all the business in the town. No-one went to the other baker's shop any more, and it was forced out of business.
After he had closed the shop for the final time, the second baker went to visit the first, to ask for a job.
"How did you do it?" he asked, "How did you get so much business from me? You just got so much good luck all of a sudden."
"I'm not sure," said the first baker, "but I think it's got something to do with this four-loaf-cleaver I found..."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
There was a scientist who got tired of working so hard he cloned himself. The clone was identical, but some genetic flaw made him curse all the time. The Scientist was named Tom, and the clone was Tom II.
He had all the knowledge of Tom, but was an embarrassment in public. For example, they'd go out to dinner and the clone would yell out, "Bring me some ******** chicken, $$$$$$$.
Finally, Tom's boss got tired of his clone disturbing and cursing all the help in the lab, and he told Tom he was going to have to get rid of him. "Glady," Tom said.
So he lured Tom II up on to the top of the tallest building in town, and as Tom II was looking over the side, Tom pushed him. He fell 30 stories, yelling obscenities all the way.
Immediately, a cop, who was almost hit by Tom II, rushed up to the top of the building and told Tom "OK, Buster. You're under arrest!"
Tom said, "You can't arrest me for murder. That wasn't a human, that was a clone!"
The cop said, "I'm not arresting you for murder. I'm arresting you for making an obscene clone fall."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
After a heavy day's digging at the archeological site in Norway, the researchers uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder god.
It was a wondrous piece of artwork - He had bulging muscles, and imposing stance, and of course his famous giant hammer.
But most important of all, the eyes in his fierce-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glittered with a brilliant red colour.
Of course, the two leading archeologists on the dig were both determined that they should be the one to have their name listed against the discovery, and pretty soon the argument was intensifying to the point where the rest of the team, despite being exhausted after the day's work, started to gather round to watch.
The two of them continued squabbling for some time, and they provided the others with a great source of amusement for the evening, and by the time they finally gave up and called a truce, everyone else was feeling quite refreshed by the entertainment.
As the crowd dispersed, one junior digger turned to his friend, and said:
"Well, that was a fight for Thor eyes."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
You know why elephants had to quit using sheep for tampons?
Toxic flock syndrom...
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
There once was a poor shepherd named Yorgi. The only food he had to sustain himself on was the milk he got from the sheep, and it tasted so bad that he could barely drink it. As a result, Yorgi became thin and sickly.
One day, he met his friend Vladimir. Vladimir was a poor shepherd like himself, but he was hearty and healthy. Vladimir told him that he had to live on sheep's milk too, but he let him on a secret: a witch in a nearby village taught him a magic spell that makes sheep's milk taste as sweet as the richest cream. Yorgi begged Vladimir to teach him the spell, which his friend did willingly.
Sure enough, Yorgi's sheep produced the most delicious milk he ever tasted. Yorgi loved it so much, that he drank it by the liter. He milked his sheep so much that they cried out in pain. Yorgi realized that he couldn't make his sheep suffer like that, so he reversed the spell and resigned himself to drinking normal sheep's milk.
Now, there's no ewes crying over spelled milk.
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water???
"it might take me a while to get hard, I just got laid"
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Circus Polska, a small traveling circus in Poland was moderately successful. A lot of people attended just to see Jerzyk, The Human Cannonball.
His act consisted of him being shot out of a cannon-like tube by compressed air. The blast was simulated be a carbide explosion. He flew about 30 meters into a net.
One day the crew placed the net a bit too close to the cannon and Jerzyk hit the cable at the edge, getting a bad bruise. "That's it, I quit", he told the owner.
"But Jerzyk," replied the owner, "Where will I ever find another man of your caliber?"
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Chinese guy, an Italian and an Irishman arrived for their first day working on a construction site and reported to the foreman's office.
The foreman pointed to a huge pile of sand and said, "I want you three guys to make a huge dent in that sandpile there!"
The foreman then grabbed the Italian and said, "You are in charge of sweeping!"
"OK" said the Italian.
The foreman then grabbed the Irishman and said, "You are in charge of digging!"
"Righto!" said the Irishman.
The foreman then grabbed the Chinaman and said, "You are in charge of supplies!"
"I happy for this job!" replied the Chinaman.
The foreman then leaves the site and when he returned two hours later he found that the pile of sand hasn't been touched and the Italian and the Irishman are standing next to it doing nothing!
"Why the fork havn't you touched any of that sand?" screamed the foreman.
The Italian stepped forward and said, "We both didn't have a broom or a shovel and you let the Chinaman be in charge of supplies, but he disappeared a couple of minutes after you left and we just can't find him!"
The foreman then stormed off in search of the Chinaman but after checking the entire site he couldn't find him.
Just as the foreman was about to give up looking the Chinaman suddenly popped his head out of the sand and shouted, "SUPPLIES!".
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
The Power of Beer
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!"
The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
*
he should have quit when he was a head.............
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
|
|
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
|
foots
the exterminator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5241
Loc: by my spiritual advisor, Wu
|
|
--------------------
I was born kicking, screaming, and covered in someone elses blood. I have no problem goin out the same way.
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
