SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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American Medical Association researchers have made a Remarkable discovery.
It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may Benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
Just thought you'd like to know.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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How about the old adage, "Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day"????
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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So this seal goes into a bar one night and asks for a drink.
The bartender gives the seal an odd stare but finally asks "What will it be, bud."
The seal replies "It doesn't matter, as long as it's not a Canadian Club on the rocks."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Boycott shampoo!
Demand the REAL poo!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got Male!!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Booooooooooooo.... 
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Just for that, check the thread with your name. 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Ya big bully!!!! 
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear etc.
On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
The guy says, "I'm green with NV". The host replies, "Brilliant come on in and have a drink."
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts.
He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
She replies, "I'm tickled pink."
The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked, one with his willy in bowl of custard and the other with his willy stuck in a pear.
The host is really shocked and says, "What the hell are you both doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?"
Paddy replies, "Welllll, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two lesbians tee it up on the first hole one morning.
The hefty one takes out a driver and lets it rip- sending her ball 300 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. She turns to her "partner" and in a gruff voice and says "Huh, what do you think of that?"
The other lesbian nods and replies, "You da man."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
Two lesbians tee it up on the first hole one morning.
The hefty one takes out a driver and lets it rip- sending her ball 300 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. She turns to her "partner" and in a gruff voice and says "Huh, what do you think of that?"
The other lesbian nods and replies, "You da man."
The other one really probably said, "You ain't seen nothing yet. Watch what I do to that other dildo ball". 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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Camouflage training
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk makes a sudden move and is spotted by the general.
"You simpleton!" the officer barks. "Don't you know that by jumping the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"
"Yes, sir," the soldier answers. "But, if I may say so, I stood still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice, and I never moved an inch when a dog peed on my trunk.
But when two squirrels ran up my pants and I heard one say, Let's eat one now and save the other till winter, that did it!"
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The damage from the US sub-prime market in Japan shows no signs of letting up.
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Financial has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cutback some of its branches.
Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will go for a song.
Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived and ultimately crashed while 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank also got the chop.
Analysts also report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and with redundancies likely staff fear they will get a raw deal.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man paid a visit to his doctor because his leg was bothering him. He asked the doctor to listen to his knee.
The doctor used his stethoscope to listen to the man?s knee. Very faintly he heard, ?Can I have ten dollars??
The man then told the doctor to listen to his shin.
Again, the doctor used his stethoscope and heard, ?Come on, give me 15 dollars.?
The doctor was growing increasingly alarmed.
The man said, ?It gets worse. Just listen to my ankle.?
The doctor listened to the man?s ankle. He heard, ?I need 20 bucks. Will you give me 20 bucks??
The doctor stood up and said, ?I see what?s wrong...
...Your leg is broke in three places.?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Mel, while out gopher hunting spots a cat hiding in the grass and accidentally shoots off the tail of this cat.
After being shot, the cat runs up to Mel with a tear in his eye holding his tail in his paw. Being the kind, mellow old gent that he really is, Mel rushes the cat, along with the tail over to Walmart!
Why Walmart???
Walmart is the largest retailer in the world!!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.
Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:
"We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish."
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Pedro & His Girlfriend
One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean.
It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
"Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me.
" Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Investment tips for 2008
Maybe I shouldn't give you some of these, but here goes:
Investment tips for 2008 for all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2008.
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!
And finally ....
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBang Bang
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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I volunteer to choose the Victoria's Secret personnel taking part in the negotiations. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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fish
senior member - literally
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 2464
Loc: Kingdom of Callaway
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Subject: A beautiful name
A woman scanned the guests at a
party and spotted an attractive man, standing
alone. She approached him.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a
family name
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself.. It
reflects the things I like most -- cars
and men.
What's your name?" she asked.
He replied, "Bob Titsenbeer"
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur that is the reason I stole the paintings.
I had no Monet . . .
. . . to buy Degas . . .
. . . to make the Van Gogh.
See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.
I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas.
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:
HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer
"Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favorite things!!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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There was this cop and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work at the station and discovered that a woman rookie officer had joined the force. Her name was Officer Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this cop was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing else he could do but to break up with Lorraine and get it on with the new rookie. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current was strong and it carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing........
"I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone.'
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?????...........................
You can't kill two birds with one stone!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Now, that was a really bad one. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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