Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Some of these last ones have really been a reach even for this thread. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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No journy is too long or dangerous to gather the finest puns from around the world and present them here.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Al-Quaeda have hidden bombs in tins of Alphabetti Spaghetti
If they go off it could spell disaster!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Booooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!! 
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Just doing my civic duty. 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one orders a beer.
The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer.
The bartender says "You're all idiots", and pours two beers.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”
The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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crossbar
member
Reged: 12/25/05
Posts: 67
Loc: Jackson Mo.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Q: Why don't jokes work in octal?
A: Because 7 10 11.
It's a tough job but someone has to do it....
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
Edited by SwampFox (11/28/08 10:27 PM)
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."
The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!" Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.
The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo.
When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Was he the best pitcher that ever threw a baseball? Back in the 1950s, there were a lot of folks who thought so.
Mel Famey of the Milwaukee Braves was a natural -- a once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon whose fast ball blew away the best hitters. His 90 MPH curve ball would start out like it was going to hit the batter's ear, only to break at the last instant and hit the outside corner of the plate for a strike.
His change up made the best hitters in the league cry -- they would swing, drop the bat, and stare incredulously as the ball hit the catcher's mitt.
He was indeed awesome!
Why then, you might ask, is he not in the Hall of Fame? Why haven't you ever heard of him?
Alas, like many others before him, Mel's downfall was demon alcohol.
Ol' Mel really liked to tilt the glass. His drinking became almost legendary around the country, but he never let it affect his pitching until The Braves and the Yankees were in the World Series!
Excitement reigned!
The series was tied at three games apiece, and the Braves were in New York for the seventh and deciding game.
The night before the big event, Mel's thirst got the better of him. He sneaked out of the hotel after curfew, and bought himself two cases of beer.
As you might imagine, the next morning Mel didn't feel too good.
But being the pro that he was, Mel managed to do just fine -- until the bottom of the ninth inning. With the Braves ahead by one run, two out, and the bases loaded, Mel's revelry the night before finally caught up to him.
Eight straight pitches -- eight straight balls. He walked in the tying run and the winning run, thereby, losing the game and the series.
After the game, a reporter went to the jubilant Yankee's clubhouse and spoke to the last two players that faced Mel. "Tell me," he asked, "to what do you attribute this victory over the best pitcher in the major leagues"?
In unison they replied, ... "It was the beer that made Mel Famey walk us"!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!” “No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Booooooo, man I'm glad you don't pt this lame crap on my thread........
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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It's hard to embarrass a "Black Amputee Toilet Hardware Handjob Porn" kinda guy. 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Subject: Doctors' Opinion of Financial Bail Out Package
The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. The Pathologistsyelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes in Washington.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Scout 1
New order Amish - not be confused with Meninite!
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6778
Loc: Where there are no ducks
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
"It was the beer that made Mel Famey walk us"!
Boy... you gotta be an oldster to remember that one.
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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That was almost as good as the guy who did the original sex change operation on Christine Jorgenson. He went to work in Milwaukee making Schlitz.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Olde Frothingslosh - "the pale stale ale with the foam on the bottom".
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two lesbians walk into a house of ill repute. They ask for the youngest woman in the joint.
The madame says that she will not allow the youngest girl any time with them.
The lesbians make the demand again, "We want the youngest girl here!"
The madame says, "No. I refuse to serve minors to lickers."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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