SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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While they listened to the dulcet strains of Wayne Newton and quaffed vintage champagne, the young couple cuddled in the hot tub as bubbles nibbled at their shoulders like a peckish Pomeranian.
Soon Tiffany and Shane grew lethargic and groggy, and as Shane drew a final, sweet drag from his cigarette, an errant breeze hijacked a glowing ember, only to release it into the slumbering Tiffany's flowing mane,and catching it ablaze.
But Shane, besotted and inherently doltish, could muster no plan of rescue until he heard Wayne Newton intone, "Dunk her, Shane."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A sheik from dubai was down on his luck due to the latest money troubles and began to sell off his valuables. The last of these was the Star of the Euphrates, one of the most valuable diamonds in existence.
He went to a pawnbroker who offered him 10,000 rials for it.
"Are you crazy?", said the sheik. "I paid over one million rials for this gem! Don't you know who I am?"
The pawnbroker replied, "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Whackattack
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 2554
Loc: Farmington, Mo
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
I was at a St. Louis Boat Show some years ago and Ray Scott of Bassmaster fame, was using the old stool sample joke. What a maroon.....
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Murphy, an Irishman, applied for a Blacksmith's job.
At the interview he was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses.
He said, "No, but I once told a donkey to fork off."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A pun, at maturity, is fully groan.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Did I ever tell you about my friend Max? He moved out of the Alleghenies because he hated having to walk up and down the hills all the time.
He was sort of an anti-climb Max.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Burrhead
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3075
Loc: Just north of Bugtussle
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Oh, Lord... 
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Somebody has to walk the point.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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One does... what one can. 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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As I get older I'm probably not as tough as I used to be, so for self-defense I rely on Mexican Judo.
'Cause ju do' know if I gotta knife,
Ju do' know if I gotta gun,
Ju do' know.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Boudreaux was out in da field talkin' wit his frien Thibodeaux. Thibodeaux said "Boudreaux , you see dat ole barn out dere? Well man, its completely infestered wit rats. I tried everything I know an can't get rid of dem." Boudreaux say, "Thibodeaux, I know xactly how to get rid of dem rats. Yougotta get you one of dem bull constriptors." Thibodeaux say, Whats a bull constriptor?". Boudreaux explains, "man. dats one of dem big ole snakes and he loves to eat rats and swallers dem whole, all at once".
Well, da nex day Thibodeaux went down to Kliberts reptile farm and bought him da biggest bull constripter dat dey got. He brought dat snake to da barn an let him loose right in da middle and sat dere and watched. Well, Thibodeaux was watchin' for a long time, I mean long, an dere wasn't nuttin' happening. Dat big ole snake jus curled up hiself in da middle of dat barn and slept all day. He didn't even move and dem rats jus run all around. So Thibodeaux got real frustrated and he called up Boudreaux on da phone, "Boudreaux, man dats some bad advice bout dat snake. Dem rats is still runnin' al around and dat snake jus lays dere sleepin' all day long."
Boudreaux says, "Man, Thibodeaux, I know just what to do. Give dat snake some Viagra." Thibodeaux say, "What! Viagra! What's dat gonna do?" Boudreaux say,"I was just listening to da radio and de man say dat Viagra is da best ting to use for a reptile dysfunction!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Oh , booooooooooooooooooooo 
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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It does beg the question,"What happens when an anaconda takes viagra?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Last night was rough.
Tossing and turning.
Trouble getting to sleep.
When I finally dozed off the dreams were wierd and confusing.
I thought I was a muffler.
I've been exhausted all day.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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I hereby renouce any association with this thread. Even I can not stomach some of the posts.  
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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Burrhead
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3075
Loc: Just north of Bugtussle
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Too late Mel. Your name is right there in the title.
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Somebody has to walk the point.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest feeling very fed up because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he was brown like other toads.. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway...this yellow toad bumps into a Fairy Godmother. He begs her: "Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."
The Fairy Godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're brown!"
The toad looks down and sees that he's brown except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the Fairy Godmother:
"Wait a minute! My willy's still yellow!"
To this the Fairy Godmother replies: "I don't do willys. You will have to see the The Wizard of Oz for that."
The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple lion wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same Fairy Godmother. He implores her: "Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other lions. None of the lady lions want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me
from a mile off."
She, being a nice Fairy Godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The lion looks down and sees the he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple. He says: "My willy is still purple!"
She says: "I don't do willys, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."
To this the lion replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The wizard of Oz?"
The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy .....just follow the yellow prick toad!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Dr. Eldon Bishop of Tampa, Florida has been engaged in an exciting area of medical research for years now. He has developed a unique protein/amino acid combination that disables the genes that cause aging. This compound is being tested on porpoises, and it has been observed to completely stop and even reverse the effects of old age in those mammals. Human testing is scheduled to follow within a few years.
This miraculous compound is cultured in the live eggs of seagulls - and a problem arose because of last month's oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. It was felt that seagull eggs that had possibly been exposed to crude oil should not be used for this research.
Last week, Dr. Bishop and a colleague traveled to California, where they captured several breeding pairs of seagulls. As they were driving with the caged birds in a van to Florida, it was found that they had failed to obtain the necessary Federal permits to capture and transport protected wildlife.
Dr. Bishop has been arrested by the FBI for transporting gulls illegally across state lines for immortal porpoises.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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