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Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #161041 - 09/02/08 02:34 PM

The Sexy Cow! Harry and his wife were driving in the country when he saw a sign that said, "Cow For Sale ... $5000"
He pulled in and said to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars."
The farmer said, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this!"
He lifted the cow's tail, and Harry saw that the cow had a snatch just like a woman.
Harry got back in the car, turned to his wife, and began to cry, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman and it's worth $5000. And here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you ain't worth chit!"

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Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #162149 - 09/14/08 06:32 AM



--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #162150 - 09/14/08 06:47 AM



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Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #162800 - 09/18/08 03:08 PM

"I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type for my ex, so he knows what rejection feels like" – Pippa Evans

"The Olympics are for everyone, not just someone who happens to own a dancing horse" – Glenn Wool, on dressage

"I like Jesus, but he loves me, so it's awkward" – Tom Stade

"I love being touched sexually by an ecologist" – Jo Neary, in character as a dolphin

"Glasgow has its own version of Monopoly – just one big square that reads: Go To Jail" – Des Clarke

"A problem shared is attention gained" – Pippa Evans

"Never say to an autistic person, you do the maths" – Wilson Dixon

"I'm glad they invented emoticons, otherwise I wouldn't know what my dad was thinking" – Kerry Godliman

On having sex with men in their thirties: "Generally much better, but you've got to rub their legs afterwards for cramp" – Sarah Millican

"I love paying tax so much, the sight of a gritter lorry gives me an erection" – Jon Richardson

"No seriously, I am a feminist, just a lusty, ogling feminist. I'm a lesbian, in fact" – Rob Deering

"Looking at my face is like reading in the car. It's all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick" – Andrew Lawrence, on his ginger appearance

"One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out" – Tim Vine

"If it's gone abroad, it must be fraud" – Tom Wrigglesworth, on the mindset of the high-street banks

"Victoria Beckham? Does this tampon make me look fat?" – Joan Rivers, on celebrities

"What do you say to your adopted African child if you want them to eat up their dinner? 'There are people starving in Africa right now, like your parents'" – Tom Stade

"Politicians are like God. No one believes in them, they haven't done anything for ages, and they give jobs to their immediate family" – Andy Zaltzman

"Channel 4 just cuts out bits from 'heat' magazine and throws them on the floor" – Wendy Wason, on C4 scheduling

"I'm dating now, because I ran out of hooker money" – Rick Shapiro

"The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn't it just be easier to talk to a woman?" – Stephen Brown

"Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, 'There's a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him" – Carey Marx

"I love making love on a bed of nails, but can I go on top?" – Ginger and Black

"The definition of bipolar? A sexually curious bear" – Marcus Birdman

"One of my friends had twins with IVF. Two old ladies that she knew came up to her, and one got the term wrong. In a very sweet voice, she said, 'Oh, would you look at those beautiful twins! Did you get those on the HIV?'" – Craig Hill

"Old people don't like swearing, because a lot of the words weren't invented in their day, so they feel left out" – Zoe Gardner

"The anti-aging advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, 'Aah, I've used too much'" – Andrew Bird

"I don't hate the Germans, I just miss my grandparents" – Ian Stone

"'What's a couple?' I asked my mum. She said, 'Two or three'. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed" – Josie Long

"My friend said she was giving up drinking from Monday to Friday. I'm just worried she's going to dehydrate" – Kerri Godliman

"Ken Dodd is one of my favourite comics, and one of the richest in showbusiness – he has Swiss money in Irish banks" – Roy Walker

"I wonder what would happen if Franz Ferdinand were assassinated?" – Glenn Wool

"My uncle Cleetus is illiterate and ambidextrous. Which is a double tragedy. He is unable to write, with both hands" – Wilson Dixon

"I like David Beckham. Most of us have skeletons in our closet. But he takes his out in public" – Andrew Lawrence

"If Britons were left to tax themselves, there would be no schools, no hospitals, just a 500-mile-high statue of Diana, Princess of Wales" – Andy Zaltzman

"Surgery is just stabbing in a courteous environment" – A L Kennedy

"I know someone whose dream is to be an actor but they're not that good – they got mugged, and had to audition for the part of themselves on 'Crimewatch'. They got Passer-by No 2" – Isy Suttie

"My boyfriend likes role play. He likes to pretend we're married. He waits until I go to bed, then he looks at porn and has a wank" – Joanna Neary

"I was talking to my friend from New York yesterday, and I used the expression, 'You can't polish a turd'. He looked at me, disgusted, and said, 'No, you can't, but you can roll it in glitter'. He's a lovely guy but I wouldn't want to go to a craft fair with him" – Steve Williams

"My Nan had a plastic hip put in, but I thought she should have replaced it with a Slinky, 'cause if she fell down the stairs again..." – Steve Williams

"A headline last year, after the death of Saddam Hussein, read: 'Tyrant is hanged'. My auntie looked at the newspaper and sobbed, 'Who's going to present "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"' " – Steve Williams

"I used to go out with Christopher Reeve, but I just had to keep standing him up" – Steve Hall

"I despise cliquishness, for reasons only my four closest friends will ever properly understand" – Steve Hall

"Where I'm from, people aren't quick. A girl once asked her mum, 'Can I have a Cadbury's Creme Egg?' The mum said, 'No, you can't Danielle, I've already told you, darling – bird flu!'" – Tom Deacon

"I once buggered a man unconscious. I'm lying, he was already unconscious when I found him" – Tom Deacon

"I never know the right thing to say, especially during sex. After my first time, I said to the girl, 'That's it, I'm afraid'" – Tom Deacon

"I'm the eldest of five children. My parents aren't Catholic, just reckless" – Danielle Ward

"I was in Halifax one Friday night in July, and I thought they were having an 'idiots and whores' theme party, but no – that's just Halifax on a Friday night" – Rob Deering

"I do love Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen. He always looks so... clean. But if you went out dressed like that round our way, you'd get the MDF kicked out of you" – Domestic Goddi Rosie Wilkinson & Helen O'Brien

"I've got nothing against disabled people, I've even got one of their stickers on my car" – Damian Callinan

"My granny was recently beaten to death by my granddad. Not as in, with a stick – he just died first" – Alex Horne

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #163190 - 09/22/08 08:06 AM

So this guy was running on the beach and he saw this chick with no arms and no legs crying. He went up to her and asked her whats wrong?
She replied " I ve never been hugged before..."
No problem he said, and he picked her up and she was smiling from ear to ear as he ran on down the beach.

So as hes coming back he notices her crying again. He asked what was wrong this time and she said she had never been kissed before. He said that was no problem and planted a big one on her. As he left she was smiling from ear to ear.

He comes back and shes crying again. This time he asked " What the hell is wrong now?"
"Well I ve never been screwed before..."

He picked her up and threw her in the water.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #163271 - 09/22/08 07:44 PM

Fix a joke.....

A better punch line would be" I've never been screwed before"...to which he replied" well ,you will be when the tide comes in !"

--------------------
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Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: Bubba]
      #163630 - 09/26/08 07:29 AM



--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #163873 - 09/29/08 01:21 PM

In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son, 14 year old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor.
Bubba introduces Billy Bob to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex."
The madam says, "Bubba you've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally." So the madam takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering.
Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave, I'm going to give you a manicure."
Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob run into the madam on the main street. Billy Bob is acting a little shy so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?"
"Yes ma'am the boy stammers, "You're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #163968 - 09/30/08 08:44 AM



--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #164724 - 10/09/08 08:18 AM

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices. Suddenly, and without warning, the woman reaches over and slices off the mans pecker. Angrily the woman tosses the pecker out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a fella with his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the pecker smacks the pickup in the windshield and bounces off. Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that?"

Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says, "He sure had a big pecker!"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #165273 - 10/16/08 07:42 AM

You are driving down the road in your Corvette on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:


1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.



Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your Corvette? Think before you continue reading.



This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.



YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS....... The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.' Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'



HOWEVER....... The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #165541 - 10/20/08 11:22 AM

Website: Tampon Crafts



--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #167092 - 11/04/08 04:24 AM

Learning To Speak!

A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his (also a mute). In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing.
The friend replied (vocally!), "Oh, you can can that hand-waving chit. I can talk now!"
Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. It seems that he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords.
Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon.
After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.
"Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!"
"Very well," replies the specialist. "Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in."
The mute does as instructed and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick, mallet, and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home" with a few deft swipes of the mallet. T
he mute jumps from the table, screaming, "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!"
"VERY good," smiles the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we start with 'B'."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #167451 - 11/06/08 07:42 PM

Bad , really bad.

--------------------
God Bless our Troops!


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Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: Bubba]
      #167473 - 11/07/08 03:36 AM

It was a toss up.

Here or in your thread.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #167477 - 11/07/08 04:05 AM



--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #168402 - 11/20/08 01:22 PM

A Man & Wife were having finacial difficulties. He came up with the idea to put her 'on the street' for extra income.
She shows up the following morning and hands him $ 85.50.
He said ," What cheap bastid gave you fifty cents?"

She said , " All of em?"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #168507 - 11/22/08 07:51 PM

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.

Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged...shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK, the damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the bird shot.

The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied "is your brother a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony....He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss all over yourself."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #168974 - 11/28/08 10:36 PM

Female software engineers become sexually irresistible at the age of consent, and remain that way until about thirty minutes after clinical death.
Longer if it's a warm day.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #169836 - 12/10/08 04:49 AM



--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #170164 - 12/14/08 06:06 PM

As I was checking into a hotel recently, I said to the female front desk clerk:

"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard!"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #170329 - 12/16/08 05:37 AM



--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #170331 - 12/16/08 05:41 AM



--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: SwampFox]
      #170450 - 12/16/08 08:48 PM

OMG....

--------------------
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Re: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged [Re: Bubba]
      #170630 - 12/19/08 05:25 AM

A bloke walks into the Central Glasgow Library and says to the very prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv eny buuks on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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