SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother
was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The
other brother, however, was very good. He was always
kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an
exemplary life.
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were
never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker
and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted
husband and father and supported many charities.
One day the evil brother died.Then, after a few years,
the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and
was rewarded with a happy afterlife. One day he went
to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before
me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."
God replied "As you know your brother led an evil life
so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has
been sent elsewhere."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the good brother replied.
"But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."
"You can see him if you wish," God said. "I will give
you the power to gaze into ****."
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed
into ****. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a
bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the
other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't
believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and
he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman
in the other. Surely, **** can not be that bad."
God explained. "Things are not always as they seem.
The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
Edited by SwampFox (02/02/06 04:17 AM)
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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And, that's the "hole" story. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into
her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she
prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In
the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange
floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about
this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn'! t it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you
know, I haven't had the flu all winter!"
The pastor fainted.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A priest and a num were crossing the desert on a donkey. The donkey finally could not stand the heat, and died. The two travelers had very little water and food left at the time.
After a while, the priest began disrobing, and said. "Since we are going to die anyway, there is just one thing I would like to do before I pass on".
The nun was shocked by his behavior until she noticed a large erection on the man. "Father, what is that thing?".
The priest replied, "That is the giver of life".
Whereupon, the nun said, "Then, stick it in the donkey's ass, and let's get out of here".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh,"replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.
"Oh, That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Jewish Want Ads
Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses and Bar Mitzvahs. Religion not important.
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Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.
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I am a sensitive Jewish prince to whom you can open your heart to share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.
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Jewish male, 34. Very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for a girl whose father will hire me.
------------------------------------------
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:
"Is Hell exothermic [gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.
1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The lost churches in New Orleans
One of the local television stations in South Louisiana actually aired an interview with an African-American woman from New Orleans. The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate, so she asked the interviewee how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives.
The woman replied, "I don't know about all those other peoples but we gets our chicken from Popeye's."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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What did you do...........copy these over from our old home? I'm pretty sure they were posted over there.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Nope, I haven't moved any of the 3 pages of "We're Going To Hell Anyway" joke yet.
Might do that tonight...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Hellbender
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3416
Loc: Taney County
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An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck from Tennessee on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "On my bill."
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door. Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door. Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck.
The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me...I'm drawin'disability!"
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A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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In the mid-60s, a U.S. Navy cruiser stopped in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the Captain received the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:
"Dear Captain,
Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's coming-of-age party. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers to attend the dance. They should arrive at 8 pm, prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No Jews. We don't like Jews."
Sure enough, at 8 pm on Thursday, the lady of the house opened her door to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, smiling black officers.
Her jaw hit the floor and she stammered, "There must be some mistake!"
"Madam," said the first officer, "Captain Goldberg doesn't make mistakes."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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USMC Ret
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 281
Loc: NW Ark
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A priest is driving the parrish car down the road. The car is fairly old and has no air conditioning as the church is trying to save money, so the priest drives with all the windows down on hot summer days...
The priest pulls up to a stop light and a hooker approaches him and says "Hey father, blow job for ten bucks".
The light turns green and the priest drives off but cannot help but think "what's a blow job?"..."what's a blow job?".
As he drives back to the church he decides he will ask Sister Smith (the young nun) what a blow job is, surely she will know.
As the preist returns to the church he see's Sister Smith standing on the vestuble.
"Excuse me sister?", the priest says... "What's a blow job?" he asks......
Sister Smith looks at him and replies........ "10 bucks, same as in town"
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two Priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices
there's a Nicoderm patch on it.
He turns to the other Priest and says, "I believe you're
supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not
your penis."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down
to 2 butts a day."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Old Gooser
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 621
Loc: Snookies home town
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Now thats funny I don't care who you are!!
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Ok I give up, thank you to everyone who voted for the BMOFO, (GOD save the king)
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family.
"But--where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.
"Mama," he replies, "in America, nobody wears a beard."
"But at least you keep the Sabbath?"
"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath."
"But kosher food you still eat?"
"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher."
The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me--you?re still circumcised?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Georgia farmer arrives in Hell. The Devil assigns him to a part of Hell where the temperature is nearly 100 degrees and a humidity of about 85%.
The Devil drops around the next morning to see how the newcomer is (not) getting along. To his surprise, the Georgia farmer assures him:" This is nothing compared to hoeing a row in July in Georgia."
The Devil orders the temperature to be turned up to 110 degrees and humidity to 95%.
He visits the Georgia farmer next morning. He is really ticked off by the fact that the farmer is his usual smiling self. The farmer says: " Cleaning out a silo in August is worse than this".
The Devil decides to go the other way. He orders the temperature turned down to 10 degrees below zero and a wind to blow at 40MPH producing a wind chill factor of about 40 below zero.
Next morning the Devil pays his usual visit. He is astonished to see the Georgia farmer even more upbeat than usual. The guy is smiling and bubbling over and acting like he won the lottery.
The Devil says: " Doesn't the cold bother you?"
The Georgia farmer says: " It's a cold day in Hell. The Atlanta Falcons must have won the Super Bowl!".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal and goes up to the first man quietly sipping his Bushmills at the bar and asks:" Do you want to go to Heaven?" The man replies:" Certainly, Father". Father Murphy says: "Then put down that drink and go stand over there against the wall".
Father Murphy approaches the second man at the bar who is also quietly sipping his whisky. He asks: "Do you want to go to Heaven?" The man replies:" Oh, Yes, Father". Father Murphy tells him:"Then put down that drink and go stand against the wall".
Father Murphy now approaches O'Toole who has been watching this whole routine. He asks O'Toole: " Do you want to go to Heaven?". O'Toole says: " NO"
Father Murphy is surprised. He says: "Don't you want to go to Heaven one day like they do?"
O'Toole says in a relieved voice: " Oh, I thought you meant right now".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Bwaaaahahahaahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Scots undertaker sent a message to a son in law that his mother in law had died. The undertaker asked whether he wanted her embalmed, cremated or buried.
The Scots son in law replied: "Use all three. Take no chances".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Scotsman and a Baptist minister are seated side by side on a flight from Edinburgh to London.
The flight attendant asks the Scot what he would like. The Scot asks for a whisky.
She next asks the minister what he wants. The minister replies: " I would rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whiskey!".
The Scot says: " I'll have what he's having! Ah didn't know I had a choice!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass; what made you come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had one just like mine and I knew that McGlynn came&nbs p;to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"
Murphy shook his head and said,"No, Father; after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up......
Then *ALL* the other bells started to ring.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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OMG!!!! 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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John was a minister who neglected his congregational duties on opening weekend to go deer hunting. While out hunting, he stopped to take a break when suddenly he was confronted by the largest, meanest looking bear he had ever seen.
The bear stood and advanced on him, popping it's jaws and snarling. In his fear, John emptied his rifle without hitting the bear. Dropping the gun, he turned and ran as fast as he could in a vain attempt to outrun the bear. John ran up to the edge of a very steep cliff.
John was terrified and knew he was going to be attacked. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, John got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear Lord! Please give this bear some RELIGION!"
The skies darkened and a bolt of lightning flashed. Just a few feet short of John, the bear came to abrupt stop and glanced around, somewhat confused. He seemed to become very calm. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky, put his paws together, bent his head, and said "Thank you, Lord, for the food I'm about to receive."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with "WWJD" printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the clerk.
The clerk replied that the letters stood for What Would Jesus Do, and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.
The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm damn sure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The founder of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "You've been a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world. Your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and God recognized Arthur and commented, "So you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycles, eh?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."
God commented, "Well, what's the big deal about inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion; It chatters constantly at high speeds; Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; And the maintenance costs are outrageous!"
Hmmmm, you may have some good points there, "replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will send you one miracle."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
Edited by SwampFox (01/15/07 02:36 PM)
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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An Irish Priest was driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, you have been drinking!"
"Just Water" says the priest.
The trooper asks, "then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night, the cock went missing!
The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village, so he started to question his parishioners in Church the next morning.
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who had died while traveling through the area.
The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late.
I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory," I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. I felt I had done my duty for the homeless man and that the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of my tardiness.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD, but that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in Fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word, and praising the Lord."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in reallllllly bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "You fellows don't even know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C., Senator John Kerry's campaign manager visited the cardinal of the Catholic cathedral. He told the cardinal that John Kerry would be attending the the next day's sermon, and he asked if the cardinal would kindly point out Kerry to the
congregation and say a few words that would include calling Kerry a saint.
The cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic church over certain of Kerry's views."
Kerry's manager then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congretation
you see Kerry as a saint."
The cardinal thought about it and said, "Well the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."
As Kerry's manager promised, Senator Kerry appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated himself prominently at the edge of the main aisle.
And during the sermon, as promised, the cardinal pointed out that Senator Kerry was present. Then the cardinal went on to explain to the
congregation, "While Senator Kerry's presence was probably an honor to some, he is not my favorite person. Some of his views are contrary to
those of the church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other views. I could never again trust the man after he turned on his buddies in Viet Nam.
He also has a reputation for shirking his senatorial obligations both here, in Washington, and in Massachusetts. He simply isn't to be trusted."
The cardinal completed his view of Kerry with,
"But, when compared to Senator Ted Kennedy, Senator Kerry is a saint."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them,"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there,"admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, hanging his head,
"We're not welcome at Walmart either!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Bet that Wally World had a run on paint about that time. Bwaaahahahahahahaha.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The 7-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time. So the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex.
"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" he asked.
The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A distinguished looking young lady is on a flight returning from Switzerland. She finds herself seated next to a priest and asks" Excuse me father, may I ask a favor of you?"
"Well of course Miss, what can I do for you?" he replies.
"Here's the dilemma, I purchased for myself, a superbly sophisticated
electronic hair remover. I paid a lot of money for it. I really went well over the limits set forth by Customs, and I fear they will
confiscate it from me. Could you perhaps secret it through Customs for me under your robes?"
I certainly could my dear, only I must warn you I really am not ever able to lie..."
"You have such an honest face father, surely they will never ask any questions of you," and with that she hands him the hair remover.
After landing they proceed through Customs and it becomes the father's turn in line.
"Father, do you have anything to declare?" asks the Custom's
officer.
"From the top of my head to my waist I have nothing to declare my son." Finding this answer a little strange the custom's officer proceeds
to ask, "And from the waist to the floor, what do you have to declare?"
The father replies, "I have a marvelous little instrument destined to be used on a woman, but which has never yet been used..."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Catholic man was struck by a bus on a busy street. He is near death lying on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. Minutes drag on and no one steps out of the crowd. A policeman checks the crowd and finally yells,
"A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"
Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest, I'm not even a Christian but for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."
The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man can get through to where the injured man lay. The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice: "B-4 I-19 N-38 G-54 O-72"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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From actual announcements and such....
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
"The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things, not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting, scheduled for today, has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say "Hell" to someone, who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you, who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope, along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker, and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it, if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles, for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital for a few more days and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
She arrives in heaven again, sees her guardian angel and says, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years!!"
The angel replies, "Sorry. I didn't recognize you."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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When Mother Teresa died and went to heaven, God greeted her at the Pearly Gates.
"Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God.
"I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.
So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.
The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal.
Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer.
Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it..."
God sighed. "Let's be honest Terry," he said, "For just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A confirmed atheist is out fishing one afternoon when the Loch Ness monster upsets the boat. The atheist and boat are tossed in the air and the monster opens its jaws to swallow both.
In the air, the atheist cries out: " "Lord, help me!"
The whole awful scene freezes.
A Voice booms from above " I thought you don't believe in Me!"
The atheist whimpers: " Lord, give me a break! Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Hellbender
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3416
Loc: Taney County
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Subject: Fw: Fwd: The difference between heaven and hell
One day in the future, Jesse Jackson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it, was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Jesse said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Jesse.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said . . . . . . . . . .
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
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A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old bastard" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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There were two old brothers from Texas, one was a hairlip and the other a cripple.
Well after years of struggling to scrape out a living on their ranch they struck oil and became rich overnight and moved to a nice house in town.
The brothers decided to take a trip to Europe to see the sights. When they returned their neighbor was in the back yard trimming the hedge when he saw the hairlip and called out to him. " So I see you and your Brother Bill made it back from Europe how was your trip?".
"Oh it was just wonderfull! We went to London England they had the biggest dang clock there you ever did see, tourist go up to the top and you could see for miles!"
"Well that's the Big Ben, How about Brother Bill did he go up in Big Ben?"
"Oh no, no, Brother Bill, he's...he's a cripple you know" " But then we went to Paris France. It was wonderfull! They had the biggest dang oil well there you ever did see, tourist go up to the top, you can see for miles!"
"Well, that's the Eifel tower. How about your brother Bill did he get to the top of the Eifle tower?"
"Oh no, no, Brother Bill he's...he's a cripple you know. But Then we went to Pisa Italy. They had the biggest dang chit house there you ever did see, It was leaning over so far you swear it was gona fall. Tourist go to the top you can see for miles!"
"Well that's the leaning tower of Pisa. How about your brother Bill did he enjoy the leaning tower of Pisa?."
"Oh no, no, Brother Bill, he's...he's a cripple you know. But there was one thing Brother Bill got to see. Yep whilst we were at the Vatican the Pope was going by in this here bubble car and he sees Brother Bill standing there on his crutches. Well he makes them stop the bubble car and he gets out and walks right up to Brother Bill and taps him on his left shoulder and his left crutch go's a flying out that'away. Then he taps Bill on the right shoulder and his other crutch goes a flying offen the other way. It was unbelievable"
"Well that's wonderful, its a miracle! your brother Bill's cured. He can walk now right? "
"Oh no, no, Brother Bill fell on his a$$ he's...he's a cripple you know."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams. Don't worry about that", says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. "Oh my God", says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry", says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this", says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there", says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so", says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes drilled for that!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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An atheist was walking through the woods. He said to himself: "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!"
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!!!"
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen".
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp. But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured.
She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."
This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.
Alice was horrified. She was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? Oh my, she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert. Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she started, out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either of them died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the world beyond exactly 30 days after their death.
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At the s?ance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?"A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.
"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha."
"Well, then, where are you?"
"I'm a rabbit in Arizona."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Giuseppe comes into Joe's barber shop and after he is settled in the chair tells Joe that he and his wife are making a trip to Italy where they will stay in Rome and will even see the Pope himself.
Joe is busy snipping hair and asks: " "What airline are you using?" Giuseppe replies: " Alitalia".
Joe, still snipping hair, says: " Oh, that's a terrible airline! Rude service and lousy food".
Joe, still snipping hair, asks: " What hotel are you staying at?"
Giuseppe replies: " "The downtown International Marriot".
Joe, still snipping hair, says: " Oh, that's a lousy place. Very small rooms and lousy meals."
Joe, still snipping hair, also says:" "You don't have a prayer of getting within a half mile of the Pope. He will look like an ant from where you will be".
Giuseppe goes off on his trip. Some weeks later he is back in Joe's Barber Shop. Of course he is asked by Joe about the trip.
Giuseppe says: " Alitalia treated us like royalty. They bumped us up to First Class and we were wined and dined. When we got to the Marriot, they apologized for overbooking and gave us the Presidential suite for our entire stay in Rome".
Joe, snipping hair, asks: " Yeah, but what about the Pope? I was right, wasn't I?"
Giuseppe says: " Actually, as we were touring the Vatican Museum, one of the Swiss Guards tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope occasionally likes to meet with American tourists face to face in private audience and that he wanted to meet with me and my wife. I was really impressed to meet him".
Joe, still snipping hair,(and now, very impressed) asks:" What did he say to you?"
Giuseppe replies: " He asked me " "Where did you get that lousy haircut?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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The Pope was probably a duck hunter in disguise.
Good one!!!!!
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
Alas, the Bishop was buried the next day.
MORAL OF THE STORY?? Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life.
So, be yourself and enjoy life ... stop worrying about everyone else's ass
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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I guess the moral of this is that the Bishop permanently lost his ass.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk replied, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.
He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told,"First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the South African hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the African devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does
not work, if it does work there is no electricity, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Government employee, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to sleep. "
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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How Moses Got The 10 Commandments
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested.
So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8075
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
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OLD JOKE...BUT STILL FUNNY!
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Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the bible, the Priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a Minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the Minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate Authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.
In other words, he goes to a Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it. "
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Bill Gates dies, and God meets him at The Pearly Gates.
God says "Quite honestly, I don't know what to do with you. You did make personal computers viable and there is one in almost every home, but you also came up with that horrible Windows "ME". I'll tell you what--I'll let you decide whether you want to go to heaven or hell."
Bill asks if he can at least see both places before he decides, and God agrees. Heaven was pretty much what he expected...very peaceful, big fluffy clouds, angels with harps and bands of cherubs singing everywhere. Bill says "This is very nice, but lets see the other place." So God takes Bill to Hell. He sees a beautiful white sand beach, with bright blue water as far as the eye can see. Beautiful women in string bikinis and handsome, muscular men playing beach volleyball.....a bar on the beach serving delicious looking tropical drinks. Bill says "God, please don't be offended, but I think I like Hell better. I think I'd be very happy here." So God leaves him.
Three months later, God comes across Bill Gates in a flaming inferno, chained to a wall, with the flames flicking at his toes. He cries out "God! Why have you forsaken me here? What happened to the crystal blue water? The white sand beach?? The beautiful people and the heavenly tropical refreshments???"
God smiles and says "That was just the screen saver."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.
He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says......
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
If you laugh, you are going straight to hell! 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A woman starts dating a married doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.
"It's worth a try," he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."
"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"
"You gave birth to a child."
"But that's impossible!"
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I'm your mother. Your father is the archbishop."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer; dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again--- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd.... "
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind.....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure," Forrest replied, "its Andy."
"An! dy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . "
St.! Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"
"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?" says the hippie.
"Yeah!" say the bus driver."She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me.
"The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.
As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish."Ha-ha," he cries. "I am the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the BUS DRIVER!!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Subject: Pastor's ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race, and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
Alas.. the Bishop was buried the next day.
MORAL OF THE STORY?? Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life .. STOP WORRYING ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE'S ASS, and you'll live longer and be a lot happier!
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop
of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while the
two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits,
and paint naked.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug both deciding that no harm can
come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash
over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.
"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready.
We can't take you in and we can't send you back...."
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete.
Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What do 'ya say?"
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. However, two days later, St. Peter got a call.
"Pete, Lu. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: "What part did you get?
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is Heaven," he answered.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been ministering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd.... " "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind.....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song ...
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . "
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said:
"Run Forrest, run."
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
|
Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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|
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction from the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Bush and tells him, "George, I had a wonderful
dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Bush asks.
Mahmud replies, "ALLAH IS GOD, GOD IS ALLAH."
Bush says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called. Last night I had a similar dream. I could
see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each
house flew an enormous banner."
"What could you see on the banners?" Mahmud says. Bush replies,
"I don't know, I can't read Hebrew."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Guy breaks into a Quaker's home, knowing that Quakers are pacifists and won't fight back. While helping himself to the gentle family's goods, he hears a noise...which turns out to be the man of the house...standing in the doorway with a sawed-off, 12 gauge double shotgun.
After a brief, frozen silence, the Quaker said quietly:
"Friend, not for all the world would I do thee harm...but thou art standing where I am about to shoot."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Will There Be Hummers In Heaven?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater.
She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too fled.
"Morons...." the third priest mutters and moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."
They took the bus.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.
Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism.
After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."
Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched.
There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted:
"You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: Creation
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic.
Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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An elderly woman walked into the local country church.
The friendly usher >>>greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am a Baptist , and this is a casserole."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean toyou?" The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them." And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Mother Superior called all her nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back."I'm so tired of chardonnay."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A priest took a vacation to a fishing lodge. On the last day of his trip, he hooked a monster fish and began fighting it. A few minutes later the guide, holding a landing net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of a biatch!"
"Please, my son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for." "No, Father, you don't understand" explained the guide, "That's the species of fish you have on; it's called a 'Son of a biatch' fish!" "Really?" asked the surprised priest, "Well then, would you please net the Son of a biatch?"
Once the fish was aboard, the guide marveled at its size. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a biatch I've ever seen!"
"It really IS a big Son of a biatch" the priest beamed, "What should I do with it?" "Why, eat it of course. I promise, you've never tasted anything as good as one of these Sons of Bitches!"
Elated, the priest headed home. While unloading his fishing tackle and prize catch at the church's back door, Sister Mary appeared and inquired about his trip.
"Take a look at this huge Son of a biatch I caught!" the priest gushed, opening his ice chest. Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father, such language from a priest!"
"It's Okay, Sister. According to my guide, that's the species of fish this one is: it's called a Son of a biatch fish."
"Oh, well then...what are you going to do with that huge Son of a biatch?"
"Eat it! My guide said they're great!"
Sister Mary then informed the priest that the Pope was scheduled to visit in a few days. "Why don't I clean that Son of a biatch for you, and we'll cook it for this special occasion", she volunteered.
On the night of the Pope's visit, everything went perfectly. The wine was fine, the fish excellent.
The Pope leaned back from his plate and said, "This is absolutely marvelous fish, where did you buy it?"
"We didn't buy it, Your Holiness; I caught that Son of a biatch!" proclaimed the proud priest.
The Pope's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing. "And I cleaned and cooked the Son of a biatch!", exclaimed the Sister.
The Pope looked silently at each of them. Glancing around the dining room, he saw they were alone. A big grin spread across his face as he leaned across the table and whispered, "Go get us some more wine. You motherfckers are my kind of people!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A yound lady went to confession. She told the priest that she's called a man a son of a biatch.
When the priest asked her why, she said, "Well, we were out in the back sat of his cat and he touched my breast."
"Like this said the priest?"
"Yes." she said. "Then he touched me down there".
"Like this?" said the Priest.
"Then he stuck his penis in me."
"Like this?" said the priest.
"Yes. Then he came in me."
"Like this?" gasped the priest in ecstacy.
"Then he told me he was sorry he had done this as he had the clap."
"Son Of A Biach!" said the priest.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," replies Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine?
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fork off the car!!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Heaven is a place where:
The lovers are Italian
The cooks are French
The mechanics are German
The police are English
The government is run by the Swiss
Hell is a place where:
The lovers are Swiss
The cooks are English
The mechanics are French
The police are German
The government is run by the Italians
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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A hippy gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: Can we have sex ?"
No," she replies, "I'm married to God."
She then stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippy and says
"I can tell you how to have sex with her !"
Yeah?", says the hippy.
Yeah", says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God".
The hippy decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face, "I have ordained it. You must have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
God agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.
As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha!," he cries. "I am the hippy!"
"Ha-ha!," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver."
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Test
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A pastor concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles.
While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.
Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles.
He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Eager to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,"I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.
The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"
Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could"
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Paul interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied , "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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How Many Church Members Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?
Charismatic: Only 1 - Hands are already in the air.
Pentecostal: 10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None - Lights will go on and off at predetermined times.
Baptists: At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.
Nazarene: 6 - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change.
Neo-evangelical: No one knows. They cannot tell the difference between light and darkness.
TV evangelists: One - But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation.
Fundamentalists: ONLY ONE - because any more would be compromise and ecumenical.
Arminians: One - but first the bulb must want to be changed.
Hyper-Calvinists: None - if God wants to change that light-bulb, He'll do it without your help!
Open Theists: unknown - as even God was not aware that the light bulb had burned out, much less that it needed changing.
Seventh Day Adventists: Just one - as long as it isn't Saturday.
Amish: What?s a light bulb?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read,
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office.
Sincerely yours,
Edna
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two old Jewish men were sitting on a bench in the park talking.
"You know,, I have a big problem and a sorrowful heart."
"What Moshe? What is your problem?", asked Abraham.
"It's my son, young Moshe. He has gone and turned Christian on me."
"Oh my." said Abraham. "Funny you should mention that. My son, he too turned Christian on me."
Just then Reuben walked by.
"Why so sad with the long faces?" he asked.
"It's our sons, they have gone and turned Christian on us." they replied in unison.
"Funny you should mention that," says Reuben. "My son, he went and turned Christian on me too. We should pray to the Lord for advice on how to change this."
So they got down and prayed. "Dear Lord, please help your children. Our sons, they have gone and turned Christian on us, What should we do?"
Immediately the skies darkened and Lightning flashed about. Thunder roared and a voice came from everywhere.
FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION THAT...."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.
So they went to the nearest Church. But, only the Janitor was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the Janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then He said, "You are now baptized!"
When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?!"
They all joined in asking, "Yeah! What do you think that means?"
"I think it means we're Pisscopailians.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."!
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
The Seven Deadly Sins Extrapolated...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American
Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't
get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work
to do.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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|
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it.
If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother >sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time," (I just LOVE reading this next line again and again:)
"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The young couple were in a car accident and killed. As they stood before the pearly gates the young man said to the girl, "we were always going to get married on earth, I wonder if St Peter can marry us in heaven."
When their turn came at the gates the young man asked St Peter if he could marry them in heaven.
St. Peter replied " I don't know, but I'll check into it".
6 months passed and the young couple were still waiting for an answer, when the young man wondered, if it takes 6 months to get married, I wonder how long it would take to get a divorce. We'll have to ask St. Peter.
Shortly St Peter came up to them and told them that yes, it was possible to get married in heaven. Well gee, the young man answered, if it takes that long to get married, how long would it take to get a divorce.
St. Peter threw his clipboard onto the cloud and exclaimed "It took me 6 months to find a priest in heaven, how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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He's looking in the wrong place.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass ..and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Bubba's yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Whats the differnce between acne and a Catholic priest?
Acne only comes on your face after your 12.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and worked east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued by a sign which read: "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the Pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The Pastor explained that the golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he could talk directly to God. The man thanked the Pastor and continued on his way.As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, San Diego, Chicago, Greensboro, Tampa and all around the United States, he found more phones with the same sign and got the same answer from each Pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the Pastor.
"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone. I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents. Why?"
The Pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now... It's a local call."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of the them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed.
She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math.
She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?"
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Two boys were excessively mischievous.
They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children,so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old in first that morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God!!?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it.!"
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Every Sunday a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. It went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.
"My dear, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he said.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."
"That's wonderful. How much does he send you?" the priest asked. "He sends me $2,000 a week," she replied proudly.
"Your son is very successful," said the priest. "What does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is a very honorable profession," the priest assured her.
"Where does he practice?"
"Well, she replied, "he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in New Orleans."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died
Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died
Lesson Learned
The next time Charles gets married,someone warn the Pope
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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During a sermon, the preacher said to his congregation, "The Bible covers everything. I challenge anyone here to name a subject I can't find in the Good Book."
A woman in a back pew raised her hand and asked, "What about PMS?"
Caught by surprise, the preacher nervously thumbs through the Bible before exclaiming, "Oh, here it is....And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
|
|
BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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We've all been there...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
|
|
Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish People for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, the Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their representatives to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews.
The Pope then met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.
"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world."
The Pope thought about this and since he had never held a golf club in his life asked "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"
"None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we will also win the match."
Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "This is Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some good news and some bad news, Holiness," said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed "I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,
"Just a minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know,
how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"
She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand... Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender.
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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|
After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies.
I felt this was no accident, so I prayed ... "Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was! God is so Good!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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An Irish priest is transferred to Minnesota.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his New Minnesota mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called The local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people Took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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|
A young boy had just gotten his Driver's permit and
asked his father if they could discuss his use Of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his
son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B
average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut
and we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided
he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've
been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've
observed that you have been studying your Bible,
but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment then said, "You know,
Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed
in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long
hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long
hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus
had long hair.
"To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all
walked everywhere they went?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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|
A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this biatch giving you a hard time?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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|
A pair of Irish ditch diggers (Navvies), were repairing some road damage directly across the street from a house of prostitution. They witnessed a Protestant Minister lurking about, then duck into the house.
"Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!"
They both shook their heads and continued working. A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking.
"Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief, "Is nothing holy to those Jewish Rabbis? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himse lf in sins of the flesh. T'is a shame, I tell ya!"
Not much later a third man, a Catholic Priest, was seen lurking about the house, looking around to see if anyone was watching, then quietly sneaked in.
"Oh no, Darby, look!" said Pat, removing his cap and crossing himself, "One of the poor girls musta died...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl,  Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, " Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy
Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls.
One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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|
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his Priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's, and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The preacher got up in church one Sunday morning and told the Congregation, "Brothers and sisters, we are going to have to do Something about people parking behind the church at night. I was out There this morning and there are enough beer cans out there to build A car."
One of the old sisters stood up and said, "Amen brother, and enough Rubbers to put tires on it."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Grandma's letter. She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.
She writes:
Dear Granddaughter:
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he Hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO! What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him Yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking Towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Catholic Horses...
One day, while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race.
Sure enough, the priest stepped out onto the track as the 5th race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for the window, and place a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race.
Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing horses, and they always came in first.
Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings, and awaited the priest?s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses. Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last.
Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, ?What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you, I've lost all my savings!!
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants! You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and The Last Rites!"
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say" the priest inquired..
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed.
Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship!"
"Thank you," the woman responded, "This may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered."*
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceeding of a Jewish couple.
When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete the womanthanks the judge and says, "Now I have to arrange for a Ghet".
The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet.
So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.
The judge says, "You mean a religious ceremony like a Bri(Circumcision)".
She replies, "Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire prick".
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope.
Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns.
"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"
"No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"
"I'm sure."
"Okay."
Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.
"What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarfs.
Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."
And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy f**ked a penguin! Grumpy f**ked a penguin! Grumpy f**ked a penguin!"....
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A BASEBALL GAME (WHOSE HEAD GEAR PARTIALLY BLOCKED THE VIEW), THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE.
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO CALGARY, THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."
THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MANITOBA, THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."
THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO NEWFOUNDLAND, THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."
ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM, VOICE SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL...THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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THE BACK PEW
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher gotup and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen".
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Jewish Math
A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Sheldon !
All he wants is anal sex and my asshole is now the size of a 50 cent
piece when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."
Mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live
in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $1000 a week allowance,
you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents
!!!!!!!!!"
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment.
As he stood there he noticed that some souls were
allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven.
Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning fire.
But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would
toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.
After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him.
So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. 'Excuse me,
Prince of Darkness,' he said. 'I'm waiting in line for Judgment, but I
couldn't help wondering. Why are you tossing those people aside
instead of flinging them into the Fires of h*!! with the others?'
'Oh those . .' Satan groaned. 'They're all from Missouri.
They're still too wet to burn.'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mac
Birding Moderator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3379
Loc: The Great State of Nebraskey
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hehehe...........I can go for days on end without something tickling my arse like that one!!! Dammitt!!! 
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Thanks. It might not have been that funny a couple of weeks ago.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and He doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,' Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's a German Pope.)
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
'So bust him,' says the Chief. 'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, ' All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, 'Who ya got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The President?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. < /P>
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5 are being good.'
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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The Torah and the Beach chair
A Jewish businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody. It was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a Rabbi and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the Rabbi said, 'Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Torah in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Torah to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Torah in your lap. Open the Torah; the wind will riffle the pages, but finally the open Torah will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer. That will tell you what to do.'
A year later the businessman went back to the Rabbi and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the Rabbi as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The Rabbi recognized the benefactor, and was curious. 'You did as I suggested?' he asked.
'Absolutely,' replied the businessman.
'You went to the beach?'
'Absolutely.'
'You sat in a beach chair with the Torah in your lap?'
'Absolutely.'
'You let the pages riffle until they stopped?'
'Absolutely.'
'And what were the first words you saw?'
'Chapter 11.'
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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PHILANTHROPY
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, 'Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?'
'No,' replied the guide. 'It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.'
'Never heard of him. What did he write?'
'A check,' replied the guide.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'
'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque.
'Pastor, what is this?' he asked.
The pastor said, 'Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear , asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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TEXAS Bar Sues Church
In a small Texas town, ( Mt. Vernon ) Drummond's bar began construction on a new building to increase their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over thepaperwork. At the hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
Edited by SwampFox (07/03/08 04:31 PM)
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President
Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.
President Bush went up to the man and said, 'Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?'
The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.
The president said, 'Moses!' in a loud voice.
The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president.
The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, 'Am I crazy, or does that man not look like Moses to you?’
The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.
'Well,' said the president, 'every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak.
"Watch!' Again the president yelled, 'Moses!' and again the man ignores him.
The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, 'You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?'
The man leaned over and whispered back, 'Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil!'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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From The Times
July 25, 2008
He ventured forth to bring light to the world
The anointed one's pilgrimage to the Holy Land is a miracle in action - and a blessing to all his faithful followersGerard Baker
And it came to pass, in the eighth year of the reign of the evil Bush the Younger (The Ignorant), when the whole land from the Arabian desert to the shores of the Great Lakes had been laid barren, that a Child appeared in the wilderness.
The Child was blessed in looks and intellect. Scion of a simple family, offspring of a miraculous union, grandson of a typical white person and an African peasant. And yea, as he grew, the Child walked in the path of righteousness, with only the occasional detour into the odd weed and a little blow.
When he was twelve years old, they found him in the temple in the City of Chicago, arguing the finer points of community organisation with the Prophet Jeremiah and the Elders. And the Elders were astonished at what they heard and said among themselves: “Verily, who is this Child that he opens our hearts and minds to the audacity of hope?”
In the great Battles of Caucus and Primary he smote the conniving Hillary, wife of the deposed King Bill the Priapic and their barbarian hordes of Working Class Whites.
And so it was, in the fullness of time, before the harvest month of the appointed year, the Child ventured forth - for the first time - to bring the light unto all the world.
He travelled fleet of foot and light of camel, with a small retinue that consisted only of his loyal disciples from the tribe of the Media. He ventured first to the land of the Hindu Kush, where the Taleban had harboured the viper of al-Qaeda in their bosom, raining terror on all the world.
And the Child spake and the tribes of Nato immediately loosed the Caveats that had previously bound them. And in the great battle that ensued the forces of the light were triumphant. For as long as the
Child stood with his arms raised aloft, the enemy suffered great blows and the threat of terror was no more.
From there he went forth to Mesopotamia where he was received by the great ruler al-Maliki, and al-Maliki spake unto him and blessed his Sixteen Month Troop Withdrawal Plan even as the imperial warrior Petraeus tried to destroy it.
And lo, in Mesopotamia, a miracle occurred. Even though the Great Surge of Armour that the evil Bush had ordered had been a terrible mistake, a waste of vital military resources and doomed to end in disaster, the Child's very presence suddenly brought forth a great victory for the forces of the light.
And the Persians, who saw all this and were greatly fearful, longed to speak with the Child and saw that the Child was the bringer of peace. At the mention of his name they quickly laid aside their intrigues and beat their uranium swords into civil nuclear energy ploughshares.
From there the Child went up to the city of Jerusalem, and entered through the gate seated on an ass. The crowds of network anchors who had followed him from afar cheered “Hosanna” and waved great palm fronds and strewed them at his feet.
In Jerusalem and in surrounding Palestine, the Child spake to the Hebrews and the Arabs, as the Scripture had foretold. And in an instant, the lion lay down with the lamb, and the Israelites and Ishmaelites ended their long enmity and lived for ever after in peace.
As word spread throughout the land about the Child's wondrous works, peoples from all over flocked to hear him; Hittites and Abbasids; Obamacons and McCainiacs; Cameroonians and Blairites.
And they told of strange and wondrous things that greeted the news of the Child's journey. Around the world, global temperatures began to decline, and the ocean levels fell and the great warming was over.
The Great Prophet Algore of Nobel and Oscar, who many had believed was the anointed one, smiled and told his followers that the Child was the one generations had been waiting for.
And there were other wonderful signs. In the city of the Street at the Wall, spreads on interbank interest rates dropped like manna from Heaven and rates on credit default swaps fell to the ground as dead birds from the almond tree, and the people who had lived in foreclosure were able to borrow again.
Black gold gushed from the ground at prices well below $140 per barrel. In hospitals across the land the sick were cured even though they were uninsured. And all because the Child had pronounced it.
And this is the testimony of one who speaks the truth and bears witness to the truth so that you might believe. And he knows it is the truth for he saw it all on CNN and the BBC and in the pages of The New York Times.
Then the Child ventured forth from Israel and Palestine and stepped onto the shores of the Old Continent. In the land of Queen Angela of Merkel, vast multitudes gathered to hear his voice, and he preached to them at length.
But when he had finished speaking his disciples told him the crowd was hungry, for they had had nothing to eat all the hours they had waited for him.
And so the Child told his disciples to fetch some food but all they had was five loaves and a couple of frankfurters. So he took the bread and the frankfurters and blessed them and told his disciples to feed the multitudes. And when all had eaten their fill, the scraps filled twelve baskets.
Thence he travelled west to Mount Sarkozy. Even the beauteous Princess Carla of the tribe of the Bruni was struck by awe and she was great in love with the Child, but he was tempted not.
On the Seventh Day he walked across the Channel of the Angles to the ancient land of the hooligans. There he was welcomed with open arms by the once great prophet Blair and his successor, Gordon the Leper, and his successor, David the Golden One.
And suddenly, with the men appeared the archangel Gabriel and the whole host of the heavenly choir, ranks of cherubim and seraphim, all praising God and singing: “Yes, We Can.”
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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So I can find it....
************************
Jesus walks into a hotel,
he lays 3 nails on the counter and asks
"..can you put me up for the night?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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666- Biblical Number of the Beast
660- Approximate Number of the Beast
DCLXVI- Roman Numeral of the Beast
665- Number of the Beast's Older Brother
667- Number of the Beast's Younger Sister
664 or 668- Number of the Beast's Next-Door Neighbors
999- Number of the Australian Beast
333- Number of the Semi-Beast (also "Halfway to Hell")
66- Number of the Downsized Beast
6,- uh..., I forget Number of the Blond Beast
666.0000- Number of the High Precision Beast
665.9997856- Number of the Beast on a Pentium
0.666- Number of the Millibeast
X / 666- Beast Common Denominator
0.00150150...- Reciprocal of the Beast
-666- Opposite of the Beast
666i- Imaginary Number of the Beast
6.66 x 102- Scientific Notation of the Beast
25.8069758...- Square Root of the Beast
443556- Square of the Beast
1010011010- Binary Number of the Beast
1232- Octal of the Beast
29A -Hexidecimal of the Beast
2.8235- Log of the Beast
6.5913- Ln of the Beast
1.738 x 10289- Anti-Log of the Beast
00666- Zip Code of the Beast
666@hell.org- E-mail Address of the Beast
www.666.com- Website of the Beast
1-666-666-6666- Phone & FAX Number of the Beast
1-866-666-6666- Toll Free Number of the Beast (which could also be written 18-666-666-666!)
1-900-666-6666 -Live Beasts, available now! One-on-one pacts!
Only $6.66 per minute! (Must be over 6+6+6 years old!)
666-66-6666- Social Security Number of the Beast
Form 10666- Special IRS Tax Forms for the Beast
66.6%- Tax Rate of the Beast
6.66%- 6-Year CD Interest Rate at First Beast Bank of Hell ($666 minimum deposit, $666 early withdrawal fee)
$666/hr- Billing Rate of the Beast's Lawyer
$665.95- Retail Price of the Beast
$710.36- Price of the Beast plus 6.66% Sales Tax
$769.95- Price of the Beast with accessories and replacement soul
$656.66- Wal-Mart Price of the Beast (next week $646.66!)
$55.50- Monthly Payments for Beast, in 12 easy installments
Phillips 666- Gasoline Used by the Beast (regular $6.66/gal)
Route 666- Highway of the Beast (where he gets his kicks!)
666 mph- Speed Limit on the Beast's Highway
6-6-6- Fertilizer of the Beast
666 lb cap- Weight Limit of the Beast
666- Minutes Weekly News Show about the Beast (airs daily from Midnight to 11:06 a.m., on Cable Channel 666, of course)
666o F- Oven Temperature for Cooking "Roast Beast"
666k- Retirement Plan of the Beast
666 mg- Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
Lotus 6-6-6- Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66- Word Processor of the Beast
Windows 666- Bill Gates' Personal Beast Operating System
#666666- Font Color of the Beast (the gray in this table, no kidding!)
i66686- CPU of the Beast
666-I- BMW of the Beast
IAM 666- License Plate Number of the Beast
Formula 666- All Purpose Cleaner of the Beast
WD-666- Spray Lubricant of the Beast
DSM-666- (rev) Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
66.6 MHz- FM Radio Station of the Beast
666 KHz- AM Radio Station of the Beast
66 for 6- A Beastly Score for an Innings (in cricket)
6 for 66- Bowling Figures of the Beast
6/6/6- Birthday of the Beast (but in which century?)
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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67Firebird
Former political advocate
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 9253
Loc: Russellville, Mo
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That's some beastly thinkin' there Swamp.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodeaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.
They were both standing by the road pounding a sign into the ground, that read: "Da End is Near! Turn You self Around Now Before It's Too Late!"
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, ''You religious nuts!''
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash......
Boudreaux turns to Thibodeaux and asks, ''Do ya tink maybe da sign should jus say BRIDGE OUT''?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Nicoderm
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'
The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"
St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."
God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."
"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?"
"No way!" God mutters, "It's way too hot for me there!"
"I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?"
Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Three nuns were attending a baseball game.Three men were sitting directly behind.
Because their habits were partially blocking the view,the men decided to badger the nuns hoping they'd getannoyed enough to move to another area.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah...there are only 100 nuns living there."
The the second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana...there are only 50 nuns living there."
The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho...there areonly 25 nuns living there."
One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, "Why don't you go to hell...there aren't any nuns there!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Proof the DaVince Code was right...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped
to shake the preacher's hand .. He said 'Preacher, I'll
tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that
sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, "The Hell you did".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A priest needs to take a lunch break, but the line to the confessional is backed way up.
So he calls his buddy, the rabbi from the Synagogue across the street, to cover for him.
The rabbi comes over and says "From what do I know of confessions?"
The priest says "Don't worry, you're a smart guy. Just sit in here with me for a while and you'll get the hang of it."
So the rabbi and the priest sit in the confessional and listen to the first applicant.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," comes a voice from behind the curtain.
"What have you done, my child?" asks the priest.
"I have been unfaithful to my wife," says the parishoner.
"How many times?" asks the priest.
"Three" is the reply.
"You must say 10 Hail Marys and put $5 in the collection plate. Now go, and sin no more."
The next parishoner enters the booth and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What have you done, my child?" asks the priest.
"I have been unfaithful to my wife," says the parishoner.
"How many times?" asks the priest.
"Three" is the reply.
"You must say 10 Hail Marys and put $5 in the collection plate. Now go, and sin no more."
The rabbi says "This is pretty easy, I think I have it. Go enjoy your lunch."
So the rabbi is sitting there as the next parishoner enters the booth.
The next parishoner enters the booth and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What have you done, my child?"
"I have been unfaithful to my husband," says the parishoner.
"How many times?" asks the priest.
"Why, only once!" is the offended response.
"Well, go do it two more times. We're running a special today, 3 for $5."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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(From "Weird Universe")
The Holy Foreskin
The Bible tells us that Jesus was circumcised eight days after his birth. But this became the source of a protracted debate among medieval scholars who couldn't figure out what became of the foreskin. Did it remain here on Earth? Was it reunited with Christ and ascended with him into Heaven? Or did it ascend into heaven separately, on its own?
The belief that the "holy prepuce" remained on Earth was probably the most popular position. In fact, no less than 21 medieval churches and abbeys claimed to be in possession of the holy foreskin.
St. Catherine of Siena reportedly wore the foreskin of Jesus as a ring on her finger.
However, the Austrian nun Agnes Blannbekin (1244-1315) took a different view. She became obsessed by the holy foreskin, dwelling on the loss of blood and pain Christ must have suffered during his circumcision. Such thoughts led her to a revelation. While celebrating the Feast of the Circumcision (traditionally held on January 1), Agnes suddenly "felt the Lord's foreskin on her tongue, thin as the membrane of an egg, and swallowed it with great sweetness 'about a hundred times'. Christ then revealed to her that his foreskin had been resurrected with him on Easter." Because of this revelation, Blannbekin's writings were banned by the church.
However, my favorite theory about the fate of the holy foreskin is the one put forward by the 17th century theologian Leo Allatius. In an essay, De Praeputio Domini Nostri Jesu Christi Diatriba, he speculated "that the holy foreskin may have ascended into heaven at the same time as Jesus himself, and might have become the rings of Saturn."
Source of info: Mattelaer, JJ, et al. (2007). "The Circumcision of Jesus Christ". The Journal of Urology. 178: 31-34.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade..
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.'
'And why's everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' He said, 'they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you.'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest,
said, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four
pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like
a charm. The front of the church always fills first
now.'
The young priest nodded, and the old priest
continued, 'And you told me adding a little more
beat to the music would bring young people back
to church, so I supported you when you brought in
that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now our services
are consistently packed to the balcony.'
'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I
am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of
youth.'
'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said
the elderly priest, 'But I'm afraid you've gone too
far with the drive-thru confessional.'
'But Father,' protested the young priest, 'my
confessions and the donations have nearly doubled
since I began that!'
'Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate
that.... But the flashing neon sign,
'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell'
cannot stay on the church roof.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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LOT'S WIFE:
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once, while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'
THE GOOD SAMARITAN:
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?' 'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms?'
HIGHER POWER:
A Sunday School teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times.. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?' One child blurted out, 'Aces!'
MOSES AND THE RED SEA:
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When He got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he rad ioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'
'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his mother asked. 'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD:
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite the 23rd Psalm in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous when it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'
UNANSWERED PRAYER?
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon.. One day, she asked him why. 'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant o f his messages, 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon..'
'How come He doesn't do it?' she asked.
BEING THANKFUL!
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?'
The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'
Tommy answered, soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and he just did!
TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. 'Yes, sir,' the boy replied.
'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked.
'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS?
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'And all girls.'
As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my c uriosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, Why do you always add the part about all girls?'
Her response, 'Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!'
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.
'I don't have to,' the boy replied.
'Of course, you do,' his mother insisted.
'We say a prayer before eating, at our house.'
'That's our house,' Johnny explained. 'But this is grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Dear God.
Please send clothes for all those poor ladys in Dad's computer.
Amen
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Muslim dies and finds himself before the pearly gates. He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he asks. "No, my son, I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up" and he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds ..
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?" 'No, I am Moses... you will find Mohammed higher up".
Mohammed higher than Moses! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus. Mohammed is higher still".
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps, as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. "No, my son, I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?"
"Yes, please, my Lord"
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out: "Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven. He knocks on the gates and St. Peter opens them.
"Yes?" asks St. Peter.
"I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani.
St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out? It's probably just your Dad."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."
The priest replies, "Get out. You're in my side."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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TURPENTINE VS HOLY WATER
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world,its called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."
The little boy replied, "You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson."
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A 45-year-old devout Catholic was killed recently in Vienna, Austria, shortly after a harrowing experience on a stuck elevator. The man had been so traumatized that, following his rescue, he went straight to the Weinhaus Church to give thanks. However, as he approached the altar, an 850-pound stone pillar fell and crushed him. [Austrian Times, 9-9-09; Daily Telegraph (London), 9-10-09]
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Beer Prayer
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage's,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.
BARMEN.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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AMEN!
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Bubba's aroused...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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No doubt!! Strangely aroused....again! 
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God Bless our Troops!
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Scout 1
New order Amish - not be confused with Meninite!
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6778
Loc: Where there are no ducks
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Emerson nicens
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as ....'’English Weather'
Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the population, it will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather.' • • • 'Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite ’
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist, 34" hips. When she walks into a room people say, "Oh My God."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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I'll just leave this here.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Ewe are baaaad.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Miss Bud comming too.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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That Moses sure had a lot of adventures
By LEON HALE Copyright 2010 Houston Chronicle
Feb. 26, 2010, 6:18PM
At the supermarket I was in canned vegetables, looking for corn, when this lady came up and said hello, and asked if I've ever read the Bible.
She wore a little rain hat and a green coat and in her cart she had two six packs of diet soda and a big bunch of leeks.
Being asked in a supermarket if I've ever read the Bible was a new experience for me, but it wasn't the first time I've had a discussion in a grocery aisle about religion. It was just the first time this year.
Now and then, in the mail or in person, one of Houston's many evangelical churchgoers questions me about my religion. This doesn't really bother me. I understand that they feel obliged to recruit new sheep for the flock. I've had 'em say they're worried about me.
Well, I appreciate that. I'm pleased that somebody is worried about me, even though I'm not certain what I've ever written here that worries them so much.
Anyhow, when the lady in the grocery store asked if I've ever read the Bible I was able to tell her I have, and in fact reading the Old Testament is how I got one of my greatest heroes.
She said, “Oh? And who might that be?” and I told her Moses.
She said, “Moses?” And I said Moses, sure. And went on and mentioned a thing or two about why Moses has always interested me. That old prophet, he led a life, you couldn't cover his adventures in a four-hour movie.
I mean look how he began, floating down the Nile River in a basket, and not old enough to paddle. It's a marvel he wasn't snapped up by a crocodile before he floated 50 yards downstream.
And who rescued him? A young chick who just happened to be the daughter of the king of Egypt, and as a result of that rescue Moses grew up as an Egyptian prince. Not a bad trick, considering that this was a time when Jewish babies were being drowned at birth in Egypt.
You didn't want to mess with Moses when he was a young man. He would whack you. He once whacked an Egyptian dude who didn't recover and Moses had to get out of town. Ran off to a land called Midian and became a shepherd.
Now imagine this: You're out on the range, looking after a bunch of sheep, and God himself starts talking to you. That's what happened to Moses. I'm not making this up. You can read about it in the Book of Exodus. God told Moses to go back to Egypt and rescue the Jews who were held there as slaves.
Now here comes the snake adventure. I've admired this ever since I first heard it in about 1930. As a sign he was really the Almighty, God turned Moses' staff into a 7-foot snake. Then he told Moses to grab the snake by the tail.
Being of sound mind, Moses was scared stiff of that big snake. And yet he did it — he grabbed that snake's tail. Was that an act of faith, or not? When he touched it, the snake turned back into Moses' staff.
So off goes Moses to Egypt and along with his brother Aaron he spends years trying to get Pharaoh, the Egyptian monarch, to free the so-called children of Israel.
This was when the famous Ten Plagues of Egypt took place. I'm a long-time fan of these plagues. They add up to one of the wildest sets of catastrophes ever visited on humankind.
Moses stood by while God sent down a parade of major league troubles on Egypt. Hail. Flies. Locusts. Livestock diseases. Blood in the river. Death to babies. Boils on everybody's hide.
My favorite plague was the frogs. Frogs were everywhere, covering fields, buildings, streets. You couldn't take a step without hitting a frog. What a mess.
When Pharoah finally relented and let the Jews leave, the adventures of Moses were just beginning. He spent 40 years getting that crowd to the promised land, and in the end he didn't get to go there himself. I always counted that a raw deal.
There in the supermarket the lady in the green coat got away from me before I could ask her a question. I wanted to know how she intended to fix those leeks.
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/lif ... 85992.html
http://www.leonhale.com/
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Lucifer himself was walking around [beeep], observing all the
suffering. He was on a mission to be sure everyone was enduring the
maximum pain when he noticed a chubby old guy with white hair sweating and
shoveling coal.
The guy was obviously in great distress, but the Devil decided
he just wasn't suffering sufficiently.
So, he walked up to the perspiring old fellow and whispered in
his ear,
"Hey, Teddy... Have I told you a Republican got your Senate
seat?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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An older couple were sitting in church one Sunday morning.
The husband passed a note to his wife saying, "I just let a really smelly silent fart. What should I do?".
The wife passed a note back to him saying, "You need a new battery in your hearing aid."
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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I just started my own business, for the Muslim people in our society, making landmines that look like prayer mats.
So far it’s doing well. Prophets are going through the roof.
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Oh Booooooo
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, 'I've been a little sick to my stomach.'
The older doctor says, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?'
As they left, the younger man said, 'You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?'
'I didn't' have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.'
'Huh,' the younger doctor said 'Pretty clever, I think I'll try that at the next house.'
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, 'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.' 'You've probably been doing too much work for the Church,' the younger doctor told her? 'Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.'
As they left, the elder doctor said, 'I know that woman well, your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?'
'I did what you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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It's always better to be the Fairy God Mother type like me than Cinderella!
-----------------------------
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat
named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the
fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you
doing here after all these years'?
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'
The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.' Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off.'
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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I spent last night in the company of Satan... All he did all night was whine about how nobody likes him & how he has no friends & how his brothers beat him up & his dad threw him out.
So I finally get Satan to stop whining long enough to ask him if he is going to bargain for my soul. He looks at me and says, "Sure. What will you give me to take it off your hands?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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There was a knock on the door this morning.
I opened it and there was a young guy standing there who said: "I'm a Jehovah's Witness."
I said "Come in and sit down."
"Now what do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Heck if I know. I've never got this far before."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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So, this old pilot dies and goes to heaven and is met at the pearly gates by St. Peter.
"Ah, so you were a pilot," says St. Peter. "Follow me."
St. Peter takes the pilot to a beautiful celestial airport with perfect, smooth runways and hangar after hangar filled with the most wonderful aircraft ever made.
"Fly anything you want. Fuel is no issue, they don't ever run out."
Then he takes him over to a classy little joint at the FBO and brings him inside. There's a buffet with the best food he's ever seen and a fully-stocked open bar with nothing but top shelf liquor. Sitting around the tables are some of the most famous pilots who ever lived. St. Peter introduces him to a few and sits down to have a drink with him.
"Man! This really is heaven?" asks the pilot. "Certainly not what I was expecting -- this is wonderful!"
St. Peter just smiles and nods and pours him another drink.
After sitting and drinking and reveling in it all for awhile, the pilot recognizes an old, familiar sensation.
Tentatively he asks, "Ummmmm, St. Peter? I sure wasn't expecting it with this here brand-new heavenly body, but I do believe I need to go find a rest room to -- uhhh -- go relieve myself. But I don't see any of the usual signs on doors -- where should I go?"
"Oh, no problem," says St. Peter. "Just follow me."
St. Peter takes him out back and shows him to the edge of a little hole in a cloud.
"Just go right there."
The pilot walks over to the hole in the cloud and looks down over the edge.
"Uh, St. Peter? There appears to be some people down there... "
"Oh that's OK", says the wise old Saint. "They're all from the FAA."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Well, Jesus, he was walkin' around one time . . . and here was a big crowd of people had a man hemmed up and they was fixing to stone him, you know, mash him to death with rocks. Jesus, he says, 'Wait a minute here, you people, don't none of you'uns read scripture? ' Says, 'It's wrote down right there in the gospels, let the one amongst ye who is without sin cast the first stone!'
"So that kind of stopped 'em , made 'em think you know, but about that time here come a little woman out of that crowd and she just bustled right up there and picked up a big donnick (hillbilly word for rock) and let it fly at that man they had caught up - like to brained him. And Jesus, he says, 'Mother, sometimes you just come awful close to pissin' me off'. "
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Why there was no rapture saturday...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that
I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?'
The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.'
Saint Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the
pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.'
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn.
He stands erect and booms out,
'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'
Saint Peter consults his list.
He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe
and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
'Just a minute!' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff
....and I get only cotton and wood.
How can this be?'
'Up here, we go by results,' says Saint Peter.
'When you preached - people slept.
When he flew, people prayed!'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it, and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?'
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. '
Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy comes to work on Monday with a black eye. His boss asks him what happened.
"Yesterday, I was sitting behind this big woman at church, and we all stood up to sing, and the skirt of her dress was stuck in her crack. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and glared at me real mean like."
So the boss asked, "Alright, so how did you get the black eye?"
The guy says, "I figured she looked at me like that because she didn't want me pulling the dress out, so I stuck it back in."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a religious scholar," he replies.
"A religious scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Jewish businessman in Chicago decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop,I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I
converted to Christianity."
"Oy, vey,"said the father. "Vot haf I dun?"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do.
Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he
also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask
him what we should do." So they went to see the rabbi.
The rabbi said,"Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He
also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people?
Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons
and asked God what to do.
Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven.
The Voice said,"Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel. . . . .
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?
The woman in church has hope in her soul.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Sam the Texan in heaven, St. Peter gave him the deluxe tour.
Behind the first door was a beautiful tropical beach. Sam poked his head in to look, but quickly announced that Galveston had nicer beaches.
Behind the second door was the most mind-boggling amusement park ever imagined, but Sam said he was sure Dallas had more impressive parks.
After a dozen more such responses, an annoyed St. Peter pulled him to the edge of a nearby cliff overlooking Hell and shouted, "You see that enormous lake of fire and brimstone? Have you anything like that in Texas?"
"Well, no," Sam replied sheepishly, "but I do know a guy in Houston who can put it out for you."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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My preacher said that Americans really are religious - you can tell they trust in God by the way they drive.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks Called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency Open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard Loaded with several forms, and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to Pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the Irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Pope, wearing a fabulous vintage chiffon-lined Dior gold lame gown over a silk Vera Wang empire waist tulle cork dress, accessorized with a three-foot House of Whoville hat and the ruby slippers Judy Garland wore in the Wizard of Oz, on his way to tell us it's wrong to be Gay.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Happy Easter...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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duko™
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3442
Loc: east mo
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A guy gets a
call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had
also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes
and the guy says, "I can't believe they forked my wife after only five
beers!"
______________________________________________
Got this text
from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The
ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. ....
It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"
______________________________________________
I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She
said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really
should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.
_____________________________________________
Sorry for not
calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching
the fork out of this idiot at a party.
In my defense…when you hear an Arab
counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
____________________________________________________
My wife just came in and said,
"I don't know if I am coming or going.
"I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going - 'cus
when you're coming, you look like a forking Down Syndrome kid trying to
whistle!"
____________________________________________________
I saw a
fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some
money.Last night I forked a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?
_____________________________________________________
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?" .... Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.
_______________________________________________________________
Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, "fork that - knowing my luck, I'd win one!"
____________________________________________________
What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET? ET looked
better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits, had his own
forking bike, and wanted to go home.
duko
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Those are great Duko! I'm guessing that you were too drunk a 3 am to find the "Women, go figure" thread. 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two nuns in Rome were bicycling. The older nun said they should take a short cut down the cobbled alley.
They younger nun announced, "I have never come this way before."
The older nun replied, "It's the cobbles!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Three nuns were trying to get through heaven's gate when they were met by St Peter who said, "Each of you have to answer one questions correctly before getting to heaven."
St. Peter asked the first nun. "Who was the first man on earth?" She smiled and replied, "Adam."
Bells rang and the gates opened.
St. Peter asked the second nun, "Who was the first woman on earth?"
She smiled and said "Eve."
Bells rang and the gates opened.
St. Peter asked the third nun, "What was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?"
The nun raised her eyes and said, "My GOD that's a hard one."
Bells rang and the gates opened.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Muslim dies and by some error in handling, ends up in heaven.
He`s stopped at the Pearly Gates by St.Peter who says: 'Sorry, but we don`t accept Muslims into Heaven.'
'What?', replies the Muslim, 'and why not?'.
'Well, we just don`t.'
The Muslim complains and carries on until St. Peter gets fed up.
'Well', says St. Peter, 'have you ever done anything good in your life?'
'Ummm..', the Muslim replies, 'Yes, the other day a lady stopped me on the street collecting for a children`s charity so I gave her ten dollars. Last week I donated ten dollars to the Cancer Society and a couple of weeks ago a tramp asked me if I could spare any money so I gave him ten dollars also.'
'Alrighty then', says St. Peter, 'wait here and I'll have a quick word with God.'
Five minutes later St. Peter returns to the Muslim.
'Listen, I`ve spoken with God and he agrees with me, here`s your 30 dollars back ...... now fork off!'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The pope was very ill, and nobody could cure him. The cardinals called in
an old physician recommended to them. After an hour long examination,
he comes up with a solution.
"I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news: The pope has
a rare testicular disorder. The good news: He can be cured.....with
sex."
The cardinals, not happy with the cure, explain the situation to the pope.
"I'll agree to it," says the pope." But under four conditions."
The cardinals were shocked." What are the four conditions?" asks one.
"First, the girl must be blind, so she cannot see with whom she is having sex.
Second, she must be deaf, so she cannot hear with whom she is having sex.
And third, she must be dumb, so if she somehow figures out with whom
she is having sex, she can tell no one."
After a long pause, a cardinal asks, "And the fourth condition:"
"She must have big tits."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.
Dressed in their white gowns, they entered the chapel for their symbolic marriage to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."
Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews came in and sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said, "I am so honored you want to share this experience with us. May I ask why you came?"
"We're from the groom's family."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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An Irish Miracle
Ed Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes. He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy "Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a miracle . But wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round to interview you, take photos, etc."
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared.
There is great excitement in the town as Everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe.
Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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duko™
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3442
Loc: east mo
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After reading Tim's thread about living his old high school days, it reminds me of a joke I heard the other day.
Do you know what the good thing is about child molesters?
You don't have to worry about them speeding through school zones.
Bring on the hate! 
duko
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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That's just wrong...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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We hear that the hackers "Anonymous" are waging war on ISIS and Al-Qaeda...
Isn't it ironic that 72 virgins will be attacking the terrorists!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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An old nun living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the worker's coarse language and decided to spend some time with them—to correct their ways. She then decided to take her lunch and sit with them. Putting her sandwich in a brown bag, she walked to the spot where the men were eating. Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:
"And do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down. "Why?"
The worker yelled back,
"Cause his mom's here with his lunch."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The preacher was just getting a full head of steam and seemed pleased with himself this morning. He was talking about how a Protestant was stranded all alone on an island. He begins sending smoke signals, hoping that somebody will find him.
Ten years pass, and a boat is sailing by. The captain notices the smoke signals, and decides to pull into the island. When he docks, he sees three huts. The Protestant runs out and embraces the captain, and says, “Thank you for rescuing me!” The captain says, “No problem, where are the others?” The man says, “There is only me, I am all alone on this island.”
The captain, confused, asks, “If you are all alone, then why are there three huts?” The man says, “Well, the first hut is where I live, that’s my home. The second hut is my church, where I worship.” The captain asks, “And what is the third hut?” The man says, “Oh, that was the church I used to go to.”
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Jesus, Buddha and Mohammed have a management meeting in heaven to discuss how to control world population.
Jesus says, "Another big earthquake then, Gents?"
Mohammed says, "Nah, just kill all the infidels."
Buddha says, "Don't kill anyone; we must love all living beings, except pedophiles!"
Jesus says, "OK, let's just kill all the pedophiles!"
Mohammed says, "There you go again Jesus, wanting to wipe out all the Muslims!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing, in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound..."The pastor said, "Power." The congregation sang "There Is Power in the Blood." The Pastor said, "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A young missionary on his first term in Africa was reading his Bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down by his other side. Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he returned to reading his Bible. As soon as he did, the two lions pounced on him and devoured him.
Moral: Don't try to read between the lions.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Ah hell no 
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.
The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace."
The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"
So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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THE TRUE WAY THE INTERNET WAS STARTED!
HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE:
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy (Dot for short). Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?”
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”
And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew to The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.” And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.”
And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”
“YAHOO,” said Abraham. And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that’s the truth. I would not make up this stuff.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A new priest, born and raised in rural Alberta comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out
of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No chit, what happened next!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So, he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede that came in a little white box, which served as the bug's house.
He took his purchase home, found a good location for the box and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So, he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So, he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time, putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me?"
And a little voice came out of the box and said, "I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5285
Loc: uphill
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Whod’a thunk it?
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Church Funnies
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife.
"Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. "Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog placed the Bible on the floor and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.
That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"
"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded.
The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl.
The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's Pentecostal!!!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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