67Firebird
Former political advocate
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 9244
Loc: Russellville, Mo
|
|
The Wisdom of a Doctor
A worried woman went to her gynecologist and said: 'Doctor, I have a serious problem and desperately need your help! My baby is not even 1 yr. old and I'm pregnant again. I don't want kids so close together.'
So the doctor said: 'Ok, and what do you want me to do?'
She said: 'I want you to end my pregnancy, and I'm counting on your help with this.'
The doctor thought for a little, and after some silence he said to the lady: 'I think I have a better solution for your problem. It's less dangerous for you too.'
She smiled, thinking that the doctor was going to accept her request.
Then he continued: 'You see, in order for you not to have to take care of 2 babies at the same time, let's kill the one in your arms. This way, you could rest some before the other one is born. If we're going to kill one of them, it doesn't matter which one it is. There would be no risk for your body if you chose the one in your arms.
The lady was horrified and said: 'No doctor! How terrible! It's a crime to kill a child!
'I agree', the doctor replied. 'But you seemed to be ok with it, so I thought maybe that was the best solution. The doctor smiled, realizing that he had made his point. He convinced the mom that there is no difference in killing a child that's already been born and one that's still in the womb.
The crime is the same!
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Going to the movies but have a bladder problem?
When to go pee at the movies
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Penguin Poo Visable Form space
Scientists have located dozens of emperor penguin breeding colonies in Antarctica, after spotting large amounts of the bird's droppings on pictures taken from space.
Satellite images have picked up giant red-brown stains on the pristine white sea ice, indicating the presence of thousands of penguins.
It meant that researchers for the British Antarctic Survey were able to locate every colony on the continent for the first time ever.
The in-depth satellite survey identified 38 breeding colonies - believed to amount to between 200,000 and 400,000 breeding pairs of emperor penguins.
Until now it has been difficult to accurately estimate the population of emperor penguins because scientists have not been able to track them during the winter breeding season.
Researchers now hope by tracking the penguin colonies they can monitor the impact of climate change, which threatens to wipe out 95 per cent of the population by 2100.
Emperor penguins spend a large part of their life at sea and during the Antarctic winter, when temperatures drop to -58F (-50 C), they return to their colonies to breed on sea-ice.
This makes it extremely difficult for scientists to follow them and means previous knowledge on the number and distribution of emperor penguin colonies was poor.
The survey, published today (Tues) in the Global Ecology and Biogeography journal, reveal ten new colonies have appeared while six previously-known ones have relocated.
Peter Fretwell, co-author of the study and geographic information officer at British Antarctic Survey, said his chance discovery would revolutionise the way scientists monitored penguins.
He said: "This is the first part of an ongoing study. Now we can locate the colonies we will be able to go out and get an accurate count of the total breeding population.
"It was a very serendipitous discovery and a chance encounter when I realised I could see the stains.
"They look like reddy-brown stains on the sea ice, which is formed every year in the Antarctic winter and usually looks absolutely pristine and white.
"No other birds breed on the sea ice and each colony can have tens of thousands of birds in it.
"Emperor penguins are quite big birds and it gets quite messy and very smelly.
"Sometimes I think remote sensing is the best way to monitor them as you really don't want to get too close."
Mr Fretwell had been mapping a British Antarctic Survey base near the Halley station on the Brunt ice shelf in October 2008 when he noticed a brown stain on the satellite images.
He said: "It was a bit of a eureka moment. I realised if I could see this colony with satellites I should be able to see more."
Using a satellite mosaic of Antarctica Mr Fretwell and his colleagues managed to survey 90 per cent of the Antarctic coast.
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
old lodge skins
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 381
Loc: Porche's Prairie, MO
|
|
"This satellite image shows white Antarctic ice stained brown by Emperor penguin guano in Atka Bay in the northern part of Antarctica"
Wouldn't most all of Antarctica that is near the shore regardless of longitude be 'the northern part" WTF?!?!?!
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
If you stand in the right spot it's all north of you.
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
old lodge skins
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 381
Loc: Porche's Prairie, MO
|
|
Quote:
SwampFox said: If you stand in the right spot it's all north of you.
Zackly, so why didn't the Brit genius that wrote the article understand that?
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the back yard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of chit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those piece of chit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Michael Warner, 58, passed away in May 2004 of acute alcohol poisoning (with a 0.47 blood-alcohol level) in Lake Jackson, Texas, from ingesting three liters of sherry wine, which entered his body by enema. His widow, Tammy, told authorities that he had been addicted to taking them since childhood and even had favorite recipes, such as enemas by coffee, by Castile soap, by Ivory soap. Said Tammy, "I'm sure that's the way he wanted to go out because he loved his enemas." Tammy was originally charged with negligent homicide for helping prepare Michael's fatal wine dose, but the prosecutor dropped the charge. [Houston Chronicle, 2-10-05]
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
The Essence Of "chit"!
chit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. chit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.
Consider: You can be chit faced, be chit out of luck, or have chit for brains. With a little effort you can get your chit together, find a place for your chit or decide to chit or get off the pot. You can smoke chit, buy chit, sell chit, lose chit, find chit, forget chit, and tell others to eat chit and die.
You can chit or go blind, have a chit fit or just chit your life away. People can be chit headed, chit brained, chit blinded, and chit over. Some people know their chit while others can't tell the difference between chit and Shinola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull chit, dog chit, cat chit, bird chit, whale chit, rat chit, and horse chit. There is tough chit, hard chit, soft chit, slimy chit, rough chit, limp chit. You can chit a blue streak, chit bricks, chit pink Twinkies, chit marbles, or chit your guts out.
You can throw chit, sling chit, catch chit, or duck when the chit hits the fan. You can take a chit, give a chit, keep chit or serve chit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep chit, or be happier than a pig in chit.
Some days are colder than chit, some days are hotter than chit, and some days are just plane shitty. There is funny chit and sad chit, bad chit and good chit. Some chit doesn't stink while other things really smell like chit.
Some music sounds like chit, things can look like chit, and there are times when you feel like chit. You can be faster than chit or you can be slower than chit. Sometimes you'll find chit on a stick or chit on a shingle, sometimes you'll find chit everywhere, and then there are times when you can't find chit at all.
You can have too much chit, not enough chit, the right chit, the wrong chit or a lot of weird chit. You can carry chit in a bucket, put chit in a barrel, have a pile of chit, have a mountain of chit, have a river of chit, or find yourself up chit creek without a paddle. You can slice chit, spread chit, dunk chit or jump chit, and some people just can't cut the chit.
There is fun chit and dull chit, silly chit and serious chit. Sometimes you really need this chit and sometimes you don't want any chit at all. You can stir chit, kick chit or stick your ass out the window and chit on the world. Sometimes everything you touch turns to chit and other times you swim in a lake of chit and come out smelling like a rose. chit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. This means the universe did not begin with a BIG BANG but rather with a BIG DUMP. Keep that in mind the next time you flush the toilet. And remember, once you know your chit, you don't need to know anything else.
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
From ar15,com
Last night, while my wife was in a dead sleep laying next to me in bed, I felt something burning in my stomach. I don't know if it was the Budweiser/McDonald's before bedtime, or if it was the Ben & Jerrys Cherry Garcia/Mexican food that I ate earlier that day, but it almost had me doubled over in pain. My wife sleeps real close, and I couldn't help it: I let out the loudest, most explosive fart you can imagine. Well, because she sleeps so close, "to snuggle", it was right on her leg. She sits straight up, screams, and starts looking around the room. I didn't know what to do - I kind of panicked a little, and I told her that there was a burglar in the house. She got all scared and started crying, so I had to keep it up; I don't why I said that, it just came out. So she's crying and looking around the room, I told her to get under the bed, grabbed my Kimber, and told her to stay there until I checked the house. She started crying real quietly, and was telling me to stay inside and lock the door, but I told her that I could handle it. I went to the kitchen and made a bowl of cereal. My stomach was really hurting still, and this only made it worse. Well, after about 10 minutes, she came out of the bedroom and started yelling and hitting me, saying that she could smell my fart, and that I was a total asshole and could have caused a heart problem, blah, blah, blah. I tried to explain it to her, but you know how women get when they're mad. She packed up about a week's worth of clothes and headed over to her sisters. The bad thing is, her sister is kind of cute, and now she's going to think that I'm the bad guy here. I told her that if she cooked more often, maybe I could get on schedule or something, and she started hitting me again. 10 years in November all for nothing.
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Video: Mr. Methane
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
Burrhead
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3075
Loc: Just north of Bugtussle
|
|
Quote:
SwampFox said: Video: Mr. Methane
-------------------- Somebody has to walk the point.
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Print and use at your discretion...
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
What is like a smelly fart, that, although invisible, is obvious? One's own faults, that are precisely as obvious as the effort made to hide them.
His Holiness the 7th Dalai Lama
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Al Bundy's Fergason
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
Edited by SwampFox (12/15/10 05:22 PM)
|
Burrhead
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3075
Loc: Just north of Bugtussle
|
|
Quote:
SwampFox said:
Ted Bundy's Fergason
Ted?
Aaaaallllllllllllll
Ok, I fixed it.
-------------------- Somebody has to walk the point.
Edited by SwampFox (12/15/10 05:23 PM)
|