SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as ....'’English Weather'
Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the population, it will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather.' • • • 'Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite ’
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist, 34" hips. When she walks into a room people say, "Oh My God."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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I'll just leave this here.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Ewe are baaaad.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Miss Bud comming too.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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That Moses sure had a lot of adventures
By LEON HALE Copyright 2010 Houston Chronicle
Feb. 26, 2010, 6:18PM
At the supermarket I was in canned vegetables, looking for corn, when this lady came up and said hello, and asked if I've ever read the Bible.
She wore a little rain hat and a green coat and in her cart she had two six packs of diet soda and a big bunch of leeks.
Being asked in a supermarket if I've ever read the Bible was a new experience for me, but it wasn't the first time I've had a discussion in a grocery aisle about religion. It was just the first time this year.
Now and then, in the mail or in person, one of Houston's many evangelical churchgoers questions me about my religion. This doesn't really bother me. I understand that they feel obliged to recruit new sheep for the flock. I've had 'em say they're worried about me.
Well, I appreciate that. I'm pleased that somebody is worried about me, even though I'm not certain what I've ever written here that worries them so much.
Anyhow, when the lady in the grocery store asked if I've ever read the Bible I was able to tell her I have, and in fact reading the Old Testament is how I got one of my greatest heroes.
She said, “Oh? And who might that be?” and I told her Moses.
She said, “Moses?” And I said Moses, sure. And went on and mentioned a thing or two about why Moses has always interested me. That old prophet, he led a life, you couldn't cover his adventures in a four-hour movie.
I mean look how he began, floating down the Nile River in a basket, and not old enough to paddle. It's a marvel he wasn't snapped up by a crocodile before he floated 50 yards downstream.
And who rescued him? A young chick who just happened to be the daughter of the king of Egypt, and as a result of that rescue Moses grew up as an Egyptian prince. Not a bad trick, considering that this was a time when Jewish babies were being drowned at birth in Egypt.
You didn't want to mess with Moses when he was a young man. He would whack you. He once whacked an Egyptian dude who didn't recover and Moses had to get out of town. Ran off to a land called Midian and became a shepherd.
Now imagine this: You're out on the range, looking after a bunch of sheep, and God himself starts talking to you. That's what happened to Moses. I'm not making this up. You can read about it in the Book of Exodus. God told Moses to go back to Egypt and rescue the Jews who were held there as slaves.
Now here comes the snake adventure. I've admired this ever since I first heard it in about 1930. As a sign he was really the Almighty, God turned Moses' staff into a 7-foot snake. Then he told Moses to grab the snake by the tail.
Being of sound mind, Moses was scared stiff of that big snake. And yet he did it — he grabbed that snake's tail. Was that an act of faith, or not? When he touched it, the snake turned back into Moses' staff.
So off goes Moses to Egypt and along with his brother Aaron he spends years trying to get Pharaoh, the Egyptian monarch, to free the so-called children of Israel.
This was when the famous Ten Plagues of Egypt took place. I'm a long-time fan of these plagues. They add up to one of the wildest sets of catastrophes ever visited on humankind.
Moses stood by while God sent down a parade of major league troubles on Egypt. Hail. Flies. Locusts. Livestock diseases. Blood in the river. Death to babies. Boils on everybody's hide.
My favorite plague was the frogs. Frogs were everywhere, covering fields, buildings, streets. You couldn't take a step without hitting a frog. What a mess.
When Pharoah finally relented and let the Jews leave, the adventures of Moses were just beginning. He spent 40 years getting that crowd to the promised land, and in the end he didn't get to go there himself. I always counted that a raw deal.
There in the supermarket the lady in the green coat got away from me before I could ask her a question. I wanted to know how she intended to fix those leeks.
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/lif ... 85992.html
http://www.leonhale.com/
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Lucifer himself was walking around [beeep], observing all the
suffering. He was on a mission to be sure everyone was enduring the
maximum pain when he noticed a chubby old guy with white hair sweating and
shoveling coal.
The guy was obviously in great distress, but the Devil decided
he just wasn't suffering sufficiently.
So, he walked up to the perspiring old fellow and whispered in
his ear,
"Hey, Teddy... Have I told you a Republican got your Senate
seat?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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An older couple were sitting in church one Sunday morning.
The husband passed a note to his wife saying, "I just let a really smelly silent fart. What should I do?".
The wife passed a note back to him saying, "You need a new battery in your hearing aid."
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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I just started my own business, for the Muslim people in our society, making landmines that look like prayer mats.
So far it’s doing well. Prophets are going through the roof.
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Oh Booooooo
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, 'I've been a little sick to my stomach.'
The older doctor says, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?'
As they left, the younger man said, 'You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?'
'I didn't' have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.'
'Huh,' the younger doctor said 'Pretty clever, I think I'll try that at the next house.'
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, 'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.' 'You've probably been doing too much work for the Church,' the younger doctor told her? 'Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.'
As they left, the elder doctor said, 'I know that woman well, your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?'
'I did what you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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It's always better to be the Fairy God Mother type like me than Cinderella!
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Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat
named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the
fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you
doing here after all these years'?
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'
The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.' Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off.'
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I spent last night in the company of Satan... All he did all night was whine about how nobody likes him & how he has no friends & how his brothers beat him up & his dad threw him out.
So I finally get Satan to stop whining long enough to ask him if he is going to bargain for my soul. He looks at me and says, "Sure. What will you give me to take it off your hands?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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There was a knock on the door this morning.
I opened it and there was a young guy standing there who said: "I'm a Jehovah's Witness."
I said "Come in and sit down."
"Now what do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Heck if I know. I've never got this far before."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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So, this old pilot dies and goes to heaven and is met at the pearly gates by St. Peter.
"Ah, so you were a pilot," says St. Peter. "Follow me."
St. Peter takes the pilot to a beautiful celestial airport with perfect, smooth runways and hangar after hangar filled with the most wonderful aircraft ever made.
"Fly anything you want. Fuel is no issue, they don't ever run out."
Then he takes him over to a classy little joint at the FBO and brings him inside. There's a buffet with the best food he's ever seen and a fully-stocked open bar with nothing but top shelf liquor. Sitting around the tables are some of the most famous pilots who ever lived. St. Peter introduces him to a few and sits down to have a drink with him.
"Man! This really is heaven?" asks the pilot. "Certainly not what I was expecting -- this is wonderful!"
St. Peter just smiles and nods and pours him another drink.
After sitting and drinking and reveling in it all for awhile, the pilot recognizes an old, familiar sensation.
Tentatively he asks, "Ummmmm, St. Peter? I sure wasn't expecting it with this here brand-new heavenly body, but I do believe I need to go find a rest room to -- uhhh -- go relieve myself. But I don't see any of the usual signs on doors -- where should I go?"
"Oh, no problem," says St. Peter. "Just follow me."
St. Peter takes him out back and shows him to the edge of a little hole in a cloud.
"Just go right there."
The pilot walks over to the hole in the cloud and looks down over the edge.
"Uh, St. Peter? There appears to be some people down there... "
"Oh that's OK", says the wise old Saint. "They're all from the FAA."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Well, Jesus, he was walkin' around one time . . . and here was a big crowd of people had a man hemmed up and they was fixing to stone him, you know, mash him to death with rocks. Jesus, he says, 'Wait a minute here, you people, don't none of you'uns read scripture? ' Says, 'It's wrote down right there in the gospels, let the one amongst ye who is without sin cast the first stone!'
"So that kind of stopped 'em , made 'em think you know, but about that time here come a little woman out of that crowd and she just bustled right up there and picked up a big donnick (hillbilly word for rock) and let it fly at that man they had caught up - like to brained him. And Jesus, he says, 'Mother, sometimes you just come awful close to pissin' me off'. "
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Why there was no rapture saturday...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that
I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?'
The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.'
Saint Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the
pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.'
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn.
He stands erect and booms out,
'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'
Saint Peter consults his list.
He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe
and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
'Just a minute!' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff
....and I get only cotton and wood.
How can this be?'
'Up here, we go by results,' says Saint Peter.
'When you preached - people slept.
When he flew, people prayed!'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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